And most of all I wanted to dance.
We drove for a while like that, just holding hands and not talking. Suddenly, Tristan was turning right and whipping off the highway with almost no notice. I gripped the door handle and just barely managed to swallow a surprised scream.
Just as quickly as we turned, Tristan pulled over and we were parked on the side of a field. We were facing west just as the huge, burning sun was about to meet the horizon. It cast long, golden rays of sunlight on almost everything that stretched between us and it.
Tristan turned the key in the ignition and the angry rumble from the engine died, leaving us in a severe kind of silence. He looked over at me, with my hand in his and I felt the strongest urge to crawl into his lap, lay my head on his shoulder and then cry for the next three months.
Or fall asleep and finally get a few hours in a row.
All of a sudden he let go of my hand and hopped out of his truck in one fluid motion. I watched him walk around the front hood and open my door. He took both of my hands- without saying a word and then helped me down.
My heels sunk into the soft earth but I followed Tristan to the back of his truck. He held up a finger and then raced around to the driver’s side again. He returned with a soft, plush blanket I knew he stole from his living room.
He dropped the gate to his truck bed and then spread out the blanket. “Can we have a few moments to ourselves?”
I nodded, too charmed by the moment to find my voice. He reached for me, taking my waist firmly in his hands and lifted me to sit on the blanket. The beading of my dress dug into the backs of my thighs, so I adjusted until I was comfortable and my dress wasn’t in danger of wrinkling or getting torn. Tristan hopped up next to me, so close I felt the smooth silk of his pants against my bare legs. He smelled amazing tonight, like himself and the masculine scent of a cologne he usually didn’t bother with. He was so handsome.
And he was Tristan- my Tristan.
There was something happening to us though. I felt it every time we were together now, with every touch, every look.
We were drifting apart and I wondered if he noticed it as acutely as I did. By his especially quiet and somber mood I had to believe that he did.
It was funny how the removal of Seth from my life was the catalyst to me choosing which boy I would give my heart completely. Seth wasn’t even technically an option right now- and maybe never would be again.
But he still held my heart in his soulless hands- all of it, not just a piece or a portion. Seth owned my soul in the absence of his.
I loved him with all of me. I would do anything to be with him again, to make him safe again.
And tonight I would give Tristan this moment. My last gift to the boy I had loved for most of my life so far.
I did still love him. It was amazing how I could be split so definitively between two boys that commanded so much affection. It wasn’t a race, or a contest, it was a tragedy that split my entire being in two right along with my heart.
I would always love Tristan. Always. But not with the same consuming, life-defining power that I loved Seth with. I was split in two, but not evenly. And this time I was listening to my heart, I was following my instincts that were supposed to be honed and perceptive.
My entire life I had accepted a destiny that didn’t seem real and a future I would one day “get around to”. And then it happened to me and I felt this rebellious instinct to fight against it- to fight against Seth. Had I given into the eventuality of my fate, I didn’t believe I would have fallen for Seth as hard as I did. It was in my frantic attempt to escape him and what he stood for that I realized how desperately I needed him, how wholly I loved him.
But because of those same reasons, I lost him.
Now I would give up Tristan so I could find Seth again. And this time I would keep him.
Still, tonight was Tristan’s. The last of our nights like this.
I looked up at him from under my heavily mascara-ed lashes and pressed my lips together. There were so many things I needed to say, but I didn’t want to ruin the night.
Without looking down at me he sighed and said, “I know.”
His resigned tone caught me off guard and I felt the tears immediately prick at my eyes. “What do you know?”
He didn’t answer, but slowly turned to look at me. His eyes were so brightly green and soul-searching I felt completely exposed under his gaze. He leaned forward until his head rested against mine. When I breathed in, it was entirely him- his scent, his essence, his love.
“You’ve ruined me forever, you know that, right?” he asked in a husky rumble.
I shook my head slowly so I wouldn’t break our gentle contact. “Not forever,” I promised.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he breathed and the force of his conviction shook me to my bones.
His lips brushed against mine, so gently I barely felt them at first. I felt him shiver against the contact and then his mouth was on mine firmly. His soft, full lips pressed against mine with a quiet, demanding desperation. I kissed him back, feeling years and years of wanting and longing click into place and finally find fulfillment.
He tasted as perfect as I had always imagined. His kisses were as needy and hungry as mine. His tongue swept mine with a possessive power that I would remember forever- no matter what happened from this moment on; I had this perfect kiss to remember Tristan by.
And I would. I would always remember Tristan and this flawless moment.
His hand reached up to cup my jaw, the other sliding around my back and pulling me closer so that my chest pressed against his completely. His mouth moved against mine, stoking a growing fire that had been building forever. I tasted him, savored him, consumed him as greedily as I had always wanted to.
I reached up and allowed my hands to feel him like this, like I had always wanted to. This wasn’t a friendly hand hold or an innocent hug. This was the culmination of a lifetime of feelings for each other we had always denied ourselves, always ignored in the shadow of a fate I never really wanted until recently. His chest was hot and hard under my fingers, even through his layers of nice clothing I could feel the defined muscle that made him up.
I slid my hands slowly over him, feeling every inch of his delicious chest and then wrapped them around his neck. His short hair tickled the pads of my fingers, and I allowed myself to caress the back of his head, whimpering as he deepened the kiss.
The world- my life, my entire existence- had shrunk into this one moment, into the feel of Tristan’s lips against mine; his body pressed tightly to mine and the steady draw of my heart and hopes for a future that could never be from my soul into his.
I would take this moment with me and treasure it forever. It didn’t matter that I was giving him up or that this kiss meant goodbye. A part of me would always love Tristan. But we were a future that could never be. We were a love that couldn’t compete with the depth of feeling I had for Seth standing between us.
So even while it was love, it wasn’t enough to sustain the rest of my life. It was real, and honest, but it wasn’t the end-all love I was meant to feel.
It wasn’t the love that would get me through the very difficult destiny that laid out before me.
I was embarrassed at the two traitorous tears that fell from my eyes, landing hotly on my cheeks and ruining my makeup. Tristan felt them, or sensed them- I wasn’t sure- and immediately kissed them away. And when his lips returned to mine they were salty and wet from the evidence of my heartache.
With a last punishing push of exposed emotion, Tristan branded his love against my lips so that I would never forget him. There was a climax to our kiss that screamed our feelings for each other, the fullness of finally tasting each other while the world crumbled around us, and the utter heartbreak that would shatter us when we pulled apart.
It was as innocent as it was hungry and passionate. It was as perfect as it was soul-wrenching and torturous. It was as lasting as it was temporary. It was as muc
h a beginning as it was the end.
Eventually, Tristan pulled back and I gazed up into the eyes of a man that I believed was the greatest man I knew. The entire reason I fell in love with humanity was because I fell in love with him first.
His eyes were dark with a greedy hunger and his lips were swollen and lovely.
“I love you, Stella,” he growled while unshed tears shimmered in his forest green eyes.
“I love you, too,” I whispered at the same time my heart fell out of my chest and splintered into a million pieces. “I will always love you.”
I reached up and cupped his smooth jaw. He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes, depriving me of his consuming gaze. He shuddered under my hand and I immediately went up on my knees and wrapped my arms around him. His arms went around my waist and we held each other like that for as long as we had kissed.
The sun set while we stayed like that, the Stars came out and the dark of night enshrouded us. We were living in our own world, existing in a reality that only included us. But there wasn’t a moment that ticked by when we didn’t realize we would have to come back, when we weren’t severely aware that in only a few more moments we would have to give each other up.
He pulled away first, looking up at me with a resigned pain that cut me quickly to the core. “We missed our dinner reservations.”
I laughed with a release of adrenaline and emotion. “I’m not hungry anyway.” I sat back down and leaned into him.
“Let’s go to the dance,” Tristan suggested.
“Yeah? You still want to go?” My voice was a shallow shell of my crushed soul.
More confidently and sounding more like himself he said, “Yeah, I do. I want this night.”
I pulled back and smiled. I couldn’t help it. I wanted this night too. “K.”
“K.” he echoed.
He hopped off the truck and turned around to help me down. Lifting me from the waist, he set me back on the solid ground but didn’t let go. “Remember me, Stella.”
“Always,” I swore. “I will always have this.”
He pressed another gentle, claiming kiss to my lips. I breathed him in one last time and let myself get swept away by feelings for a boy that could never be. He would always be my first love.
He just couldn’t be my last.
He helped me into the cab of his truck and then grabbed the blanket and closed the truck gate. Before I knew it we were back on the main highway and headed toward school and the prom.
Prom was supposed to be this major event in my life, in my youth. But it would pale in comparison to these stolen moments with Tristan. And I had to wonder if the rest of my human moments would all shrink in the shadow of the greatness of that kiss, in the culmination of a love that would only fade after today.
There was so much joy and fulfillment in finally being open with Tristan, in finally taking our relationship to where it always wanted to go. But there was so much heartache that accompanied it.
That was it. The grand finale. And every moment after this we were both willingly and openly walking away from each other and the intense feelings that tied us together.
And while I was definitely and completely traumatized, I was also already healing. Tristan and I were never meant to be. There was something strong and powerful in giving that up, in fully embracing the life I was supposed to have.
Meant to have.
The life I now wanted.
Seth.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Dance, bitch!” Piper demanded as she laughed and followed her own command.
I grinned like an idiot and obeyed. This really was turning into one of the best nights of my life. Tristan and I had been able to relax after the intense beginning to our night. We’d fallen back into the comfortable, open friendship we always had. Piper and Tristan were even getting along tonight and while we all danced together in the middle of the packed Mead High gym, I was laughing more than I had in weeks.
It was good to be surrounded by so many friends. It was nice to relax after weeks of high stress and tension.
The song changed to a slower one and Piper grabbed my arm and tugged me toward the punch. She put up a hand to keep the boys from following us and while they obeyed her, they still wandered away from the dance floor.
Piper and I stumbled over to the punch on sore feet and chugged one glass and then another.
“Have I told you how gorgeous you look tonight?” she laughed breathlessly.
“Yes, but only a hundred times already,” I smiled back. “You too, babe.” And she did, in her bubblegum pink feather dress. It had a deep scoop neck that made her boobs look fantastic without being revealing, then the back clasped in a high collar at the nape of her neck and while it was completely covered, it was a sheer netting kind of covering that she was supposed to wear a shawl over- but wasn’t. The bodice was tight, but poofed into a huge skirt covered in pink feathers on top and puffed up with layered black tulle. Her fishnet stockings and black studded chunky four inch heels completed her edginess. She finished her look with big, wavy hair and extra heavy eyeliner.
She was gorgeous. And totally herself tonight. I loved her look.
“Thanks for making up with Tristan,” I called over the music.
She rolled her eyes, “It’s a temporary treaty. He asked to have this one good night with you. And if he wasn’t so pathetic I would have been able to hold out.”
I shook my head at her. “It’s not what you think, Pi.”
“It is what I think,” she argued. “He has had feelings for you since forever, Stella. But he’s been too much of a coward to do anything about them. So he’s let you sit there, pining for him for years while he’s dated every other thing that moves and has a vagina. And while he’s off whoring himself out to the entire school, he scares every other prospective boy away from you. You have no idea how frustrating it’s been for me to watch you get your heart broken over and over by him. And then Seth finally comes into the picture- a decent, good, super-hot guy that’s interested in you and not intimidated by Tristan at all. Then Tristan decides to go after you. I mean, I know Seth is technically out of the picture now, but Tristan doesn’t just get to have his way whenever he wants it. As far as I’m concerned he lost his chance with you years ago.”
I loved my fierce, fighter of a friend. But she had no idea what happened underneath the surface during all those years. She had no idea Tristan was loving me at a distance because I asked him to. And that Seth wasn’t a catalyst to Tristan coming face to face with his feelings, but the final barrier that kept him away. Tristan wasn’t being selfish, he was doing what he had to until he literally couldn’t make himself anymore.
Bu now things were how they probably always should have been.
“You don’t have to worry anymore, Piper,” I admitted on a weighty breath. “We had a talk tonight. We aren’t, um, we have feelings for each other, but we decided to stay friends.”
Her eyes narrowed, “Your idea or his?” God, I loved this girl. Even though she hated Tristan, she would totally kick his ass if he didn’t give me exactly what I wanted.
“It was mutual,” I answered sincerely. When she rolled her eyes I laughed, “Seriously, it was completely mutual. We are both…. headed in different directions. And we don’t want to lose the friendship. Tristan will always be my best friend, but he can’t be anything more.”
Her expression immediately softened and she pulled me into a hug. “Is this because of Seth?”
I nodded into her shoulder. “I love him, Pi.”
“I know, Stel,” she admitted.
“Stella,” Jude’s voice cut through our moment. Piper and I both whipped around, surprised to
see him here.
He offered us a weak smile, but then his charcoal eyes met mine and held my gaze. He was dressed in exactly his style, skinny black jeans, his motorcycle boots and a white oxford that was rolled up to his forearms. A black tie was pulled loose around his collar and his hai
r was actually styled into a messy Mohawk. Or uh, faux-hawk.
“You dressed up,” I said dumbly. I didn’t expect to see him here, let alone in something resembling formal attire.
His lips twitched and then quirked into a half smile. “Was that a thinly veiled compliment?”
My eyebrows slammed together and I immediately started sputtering, “Are you kidding?”
“I want to dance,” he interrupted me and his eyes shot to the dance floor.
Piper snorted into her punch glass. I rolled my eyes and looked around for Tristan. He would come rescue me from the pure evil demon trying to dance with me.
The theme for this year’s prom was “Timeless” and the prom committee had actually done a decent job of decorating. It was sort of an ironic theme since time pieces decorated every inch of the room in steam-punkish pocket watches and old clocks. One entire wall was sort of an exploding hour glass with the top corner of the gym wall picturing an hour glass and then the bottom shattering into broken glass looking pieces with glitter- that was supposed to look like sand- covering every inch of the rest of the wall. That’s where the prom pictures were taken when we first walked in the gym.
Tristan was standing over there with Rigley and Lincoln, laughing about something and having a good time. I didn’t want to interrupt his night by causing a scene. He could easily swoop in and rescue me, but I wasn’t exactly the kind of girl that needed rescuing.
Or I wasn’t supposed to be anyway.
“You want to dance with me?” I repeated, meeting Jude’s eyes again.
He faked a gasp, “I’d be honored.” His eyes were twinkling when he took my hands and led me out to the dance floor.
I shot a pleading look at Piper but she just smiled and waved. She thought this was cute, that Jude was pursuing me or something. If only she knew the truth.
“The dress fits,” Jude murmured directly into my ear when we were standing in the middle of the crowd, bodies pressed together, his hands on my hip, mine awkwardly on his shoulders.
Sunburst (Starbright Series) Page 26
