Blow

by McLaughlin, Heidi

  Carson’s words bring tears to my eyes. I pull him into a hug.

  Before long Bray starts clearing his throat loudly. “Fucker, I need a hug too,” he whines.

  I flip him off, and in response he tackles me to the ground.

  “Can’t hug you when you’re choking me,” I grunt. He stands and offers me his hand to help me up. Then the three of us sort of stand there looking at each other, an awkward-as-fuck silence surrounding us.

  “Seriously, though, Bodhi, this shit you went through, it could’ve been any one of us. Maybe we ought to try a clean path for a while?” Brayden suggests. “With Maggie around, I should be setting a better example anyway.”

  I slouch back down into the chair. “You guys gotta do what’s right for you.” I picture Kimberly sitting in my oversize chair reading a book, maybe twirling her long hair around her finger, as I read sheet music and jot down some ideas. “Having Kimberly around is a real motivator. She makes me want to be better. You guys too, of course. But it’s different when she looks at me. She sees me, not the guy on the stage.”

  “I get it,” Bray says. “It’s like that with Natalie. She likes me for me.”

  “Man, why don’t you just date her?” Carson asks before I can. For months Bray and Natalie have been dancing around each other—it’s obvious to me and Carson, though I guess not to the two of them.

  Brayden kicks back on the couch, mindful to keep his boots off the sofa. “Nat’s just a friend, always has been. I thought about it back in college, but shit was odd. We had nothing to talk about because we know everything about each other. I want what’s best for her, and that’s not Maggie’s dad. The fucker is always in and out of their lives—it’s like a revolving door of ‘I love him, I hate him’ at my place.”

  “You guys ready?” Rebel appears out of thin air interrupting us. She’s not scowling so I’m assuming the recording studio is up to her standards and will suffice until I’m ready to leave my parents’ house. For the time being, though, being here is the right thing for me. Everything I need is here, and if it’s not, my parents’ staff can easily get it for me. There are no temptations, no chance of me running into Aspen here, and the environment is safe.

  It’s probably not ideal for the guys, but they seem to be okay with it. It’s a place to work, record, and relax by jumping in the pool when the day is over.

  “We’ll be right there,” I say to Rebel. She looks at each one of us for a second before disappearing down the hall.

  I turn to the guys. “This group means a lot to me, so anytime I’m being a douche or you suspect something is wrong, say something.”

  “You got it,” they both say.

  Eighteen

  Kimberly

  I didn’t think I’d miss seeing Bodhi as much as I do. The feelings I have go beyond longing: my chest hurts, my mind is elsewhere and unfocused, my skin feels like a thousand needles are jabbing me at any given time, and I’m constantly hearing his voice even though I know he’s not here.

  He sent me a text telling me that we’d chat later because he had to work. That was hours ago and I’m already that person who has rebooted her phone to make sure my messages are actually working because he hasn’t texted. I keep telling myself that he’ll text. He said he would, and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. But the lingering voice in the back of my head reminds me that he’s an addict and thirty days was probably not enough for him.

  Those thoughts are ones I should not have, not if I’m trying to have a relationship with this man. I should trust that he’s working and that when he’s done we’ll talk. I should be confident that he’s not going to lie or blow me off. But my confidence is wavering and I hate this feeling.

  Not having a new patient to work with one-on-one isn’t helping. I spent most of my day mingling with other patients, doing arts and crafts, and checking my phone when I could. When my shift ended, I actually left work to retreat to my apartment, alone and longing for Bodhi.

  As soon as I’m tucked inside my small sanctuary, I decide to call Daphne even though I want to call Bodhi. I don’t want to be that girlfriend.

  “He hasn’t called,” I blurt out the second she says hello.

  “Well, hello to you too, my best friend. How was your day at work? Mine was fantastic.”

  Sighing, I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. This is stupid, feeling like this. I’m a goddamn adult and shouldn’t care if he calls or not.

  “Sorry, D.”

  “It’s okay. Open up, though, because I’m here.” The phone disconnects and a car door slams. I rush to the door and open it, taking her bags.

  “What are you doing here? This is two times in a row, and you hate coming here.”

  “The asshole above me caught his damn stove on fire and the fire department showed up, which I might add was a sight to see, except they drenched the floor and now my ceiling has to be replaced, so I’m your roommate for a few weeks.”

  The thought of having Daphne here both excites and disappoints me. I love my best friend, but I want to spend time with Bodhi if at all possible, and if Daphne’s here, I’ll feel obligated to stay with her. I try to smile, but I have no doubt it’s a frown.

  “No worries, sunshine. If you have to go get laid, I can fend for myself.”

  “Daphne!”

  She shrugs as she sits down. “It was here or my mom’s, and you know I’m not going there. You don’t have to entertain me, Kimmy. I’m a big girl, plus I snagged the digits of one of the firefighters.”

  “I thought you were seeing the guy from the coffee shop.” Sitting down next to her, I pull my legs in underneath me.

  “Eh, there’s something about a dude who takes longer to get ready than I do that just doesn’t sit well with me.”

  I stifle a laugh, trying not to embarrass her. I have a feeling Bodhi takes longer in the bathroom than I tend to, but he’s worth dating.

  “Well, I’m happy you’re here.”

  “I know you are. Now spill.”

  I look at her questioningly, and she glares at me. It’s a stare-down, and I know I’m likely going to lose. She looks from my face down to the phone in my hand and back again.

  “You’ve been waiting for him to call all day, haven’t you?”

  “I have not,” I lie—unconvincingly, I might add.

  Daphne throws her hands up in the air and makes some godawful noise.

  “I can’t help it,” I protest. “He’s famous and I’m . . . I’m just me. The laws of reality dictate that we shouldn’t be together, and I can’t help but wonder if he was only with me because I was here and helped him pass the time.”

  “Oh, Kimmy, why do you sell yourself short? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Don’t even answer that because I’m going to answer it for you. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and when we’re together every guy is always looking at you.”

  “Yet you’re the one who comes away with phone numbers.”

  “That’s because I always promise to bring you along!”

  I roll my eyes and look down at my phone again. I’m starting to hate the thing.

  “If he’s even a smidge like the way you make him sound, he’ll call. The dude is probably sleeping.”

  “He’s working. At least I think he is, because that’s what he said. But how long is a work session in the music world?”

  “Days.”

  Great. It may be days before I hear from him again? I don’t know if I can be in a relationship like that.

  I lie in bed, asking myself how I could be so foolish as to trust Bodhi. I should’ve known this wasn’t going to work out. He’s famous and enjoying life, while I’m here working on a ranch that treats people with addictions. I’m too plain for his lifestyle.

  My eyes close and I wish for sleep. I wish for happy dreams and a tomorrow filled with sun and happiness. And when I hear my phone ring, it takes me a second to realize it’s physically ringing and not part of my subconscious.

&n
bsp; “Hello?” I answer so quickly I don’t even glance at the caller ID.

  “Hey, babe, did I wake you?”

  Sitting up quickly, I smack my head against my headboard and let out a cry.

  “Kimberly, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I grit out between my teeth as I rub the back of my head. “I’m fine.”

  “Sorry it’s so late.”

  “It’s okay.” I pause, wondering if it really is okay or if I’m just saying so because I want to hear his voice. Is this what life is going to be like, me waiting up until the early hours of the morning for a phone call?

  “Actually . . .”

  “Tell me,” he prompts.

  Sighing, I open my mouth to let the word vomit destroy my life. “I’m pissed that you’ve waited until now to call me. I thought—”

  “You thought what?” he interrupts. “That I was out partying?” I can hear hurt in his voice. “Listen, Kim. I’m trying here, I am. I’ve never met a woman I cared enough about to call and talk to. But you’re that woman. I have no reason to lie to you, none whatsoever. I said I’d call when I got done and I did.”

  “You just got done with work?”

  “Yes,” he says, sighing. “We’re rusty and shit wasn’t flowing and Rebel was getting pissed at us.”

  “Rebel?”

  “Our manager and producer. She’s the one who put the group together. We do what she says.”

  “So you’ve been working this whole time?”

  “I promise you, Kimberly.”

  “God, I’m such an idiot.”

  Bodhi chuckles, but it doesn’t lighten my mood. “Babe, I think you’re the sexiest chick I’ve ever met. I’m not going to fuck this up. Besides, the way you wrapped your legs around my waist so my dick could fuck you was so hot. I can’t wait for you to get up here so I can make love to you in my bed.”

  I have to clear my throat and adjust the way I’m sitting. Between his smooth voice and sexual innuendos, I’m beginning to get aroused.

  “What are you wearing, Kimberly?”

  “Clothes.” Even as I say it I chastise myself for not giving him a sexy response. It’s clear that Bodhi has more experience than I do, but I should know better. I know how to be sexy.

  “Take them off.”

  I take a deep breath and do just that, setting my phone down briefly. When I pick it up again I say, “What about you? What are you wearing, Bodhi?”

  Before he answers, my phone beeps, telling me that he wants to do a video call. I hesitantly press the accept button and his face fills my screen.

  “Hi,” I say, taking in his beautiful blue eyes and dark hair. His chest is bare, and I can only imagine what the rest of him looks like.

  “You’re beautiful,” he tells me. I know he can see my bare breasts, but somehow I don’t feel shy.

  “So are you.”

  “You know, this is the first time I’ve seen you naked. We’ve fucked, but I couldn’t see shit in that closet.”

  “Is this awkward?”

  “Fuck no,” he says, adjusting so I can see more of him. “I’m just pissed that I’m not there to suck on your tits.” With his words my nipples harden. I think about covering myself up, but think he likely can’t see them through the phone.

  Bodhi suddenly moves his phone, showing me his hard-on. His hand grips his shaft and he slowly moves his hand up and down. I lick my lips in anticipation, wanting to taste him.

  “All day I’ve thought about you and that sweet pussy of yours and how it tightly it grips my dick, holding me captive until I give it everything I’ve got.”

  “Bodhi.” His name falls from my lips as my hand travels down my navel and in between the lips of my pussy. My clit is starting to swell and waiting for some attention.

  “When I see you again, Kim, I’m going to spread you out on my bed, lick your pussy until you come all over my face, and then enter you slowly until you envelop my cock. Once my hips start moving, it’s going to be slow until you start begging me to fuck your twat harder and harder.”

  My finger slips into my wet opening as I watch him stroke his dick. He jerks and his phone wobbles, but he rights it in time for me to see him come all over his stomach. I’m instantly jealous of his abs, which are getting to feel what I want from him.

  “Show me your pussy,” he commands. My hand shakes as I try to hold the phone and get myself off. “Fuck that twat faster,” he says, and I do, pushing not two but three fingers into me until my walls contract over them. It’s not the same as when his cock is inside me, pulsing with me, though. That is what I need.

  “Fucking hello, Kim, that was the hottest thing I’ve witnessed in a long time. I think I’m going to like this version of phone sex.”

  “I want the real thing,” I pant. “I want to hold and touch you, let my tongue roam over your body until I’m taking you in my mouth. I want to feel you inside me, Bodhi.”

  He groans and runs his hand over his face.

  “I have an awards show coming up. Would you like to be my date?”

  “I’d love to,” I say without hesitation.

  “If you’re too busy to shop for an outfit I can send my mom’s personal shopper down. She can take your measurements and bring you back a whole store to try on. And you shouldn’t have to lay out the money for a dress for something I have to go to.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know, but I want to. I want to take care of you, Kim. And not just in bed,” he says, winking. “When can I see you?”

  I breathe a sigh of relief that he asked the question that was sitting on the tip of my tongue. I don’t want to be that girlfriend, the needy one, but I’m afraid I will be if I’m not careful.

  “Three more days,” I tell him. “I’ll drive over after work on Thursday.”

  “I’ll be waiting, but until then, let me see you play with those rocking tits you have.”

  I do, and he’s clearly enjoying it. But even as I do, I realize that the hours he keeps don’t exactly work with my schedule. He’s just getting off work when I’m going to bed, and talking to him until all hours of the night will mess me up the next day. But I think he’s worth it.

  Nineteen

  Bodhi

  I’m trying not to count the days since I left rehab, but each one is a reminder that I’m clean and sober, albeit tired. Each day is a struggle. The stress that I was experiencing before is back with a vengeance, I’m feeling like everything I do is wrong, and the exhaustion is beginning to set in. It’s easy to see why many people relapse so quickly.

  At night, when I’m done working, I spend an hour by myself in the hot tub just thinking, asking myself if this is worth it. I want to be with Kim, but it’s been almost three weeks since I’ve seen her. She was supposed to be here last weekend, and the weekend before, but she was given a new patient and her father wouldn’t let her take the time off. The phone sex just isn’t enough.

  Not that I need her only for sex. I just need her, and every time our plans get canceled, I feel like I’m teetering on the edge, wondering what happens if I step to the left or right. What awaits me? I haven’t left my parents’ house since I got out of rehab and the press is camped outside our gate, screaming my name. Reports have surfaced that I’m dead, dying, been kidnapped, and, of course, in rehab. Even though they see Rebel, Brayden, and Carson going to and from the house, the reports continue.

  Thing is, I haven’t wanted to go out because I’m afraid. I had planned my first outing to be with Kim, and she’s yet to arrive, so here I sit, locked in my house by my own accord, fearful of what awaits me beyond the walls of safety.

  The awards show is in two days and I don’t know if Kim is coming or not. Once rehearsal ended early today, I phoned her, but she didn’t answer. That seems to be one of our problems, communication. When I’m awake, she’s asleep. When I’m starting my day, hers is half over. Our nightly chats are often cut short because she’s yawning and her head is bobbing up and dow
n, fighting sleep. I fear it’s only a matter of time before one of us forgets to call and we think nothing of it. That’s not the type of relationship I want to have with her.

  Natalie, along with Brayden and Carson, are all sitting by the pool. Maggie is learning to swim, thanks to the instructor that my mom hired. Natalie walks up and down the pool edge, talking on the phone. Brayden is encouraging Maggie, and Carson is working on his tan while I sit here feeling like a loser.

  “Mr. McKnight?”

  I roll my eyes, hating that I’m being referred to as that while my friends are here, but our staff is very professional when we have company. I look up at one of our housekeepers and shield my eyes from the sun.

  “There’s a Kimberly Gordon at the gate, asking to speak with you.”

  It takes a moment for her name to register, but once it does, I’m up out of the lounge chair like my ass is on fire.

  “Let her in!”

  The housekeeper scampers off while I stand on the back patio in my swim shorts staring at the door. “What the fuck?” I say, low enough for only me to hear. I search for my phone and bring it to life, seeing that I’ve missed five calls from her. “Shit,” I say, throwing it down onto the chair and taking off toward the house.

  When I step into the air-conditioned house I feel chilled, but I’m too eager to see Kim to bother searching for a shirt. When I come around the corner into the foyer, the door is opening and she’s walking in. The scene is like something from a movie, with a halo of sunlight behind her and birds chirping.

  In an instant she’s in my arms, and my lips are on hers as I carry her down the hall to my dad’s study. He’s out of town and my mom’s working at the studio lot, so we’ll have some privacy.

  “Fuck, I’ve missed you.” The words come out between kisses. “Not to sound like a dick, but what are you doing here?”

  Kim takes a half step back so she can look up at me. “I wanted to surprise you,” she says, shaking her head. “But I sorta forgot what kind of place you live in.”