by Ben Sherwood
She had always been taught that they were in a better place, that they were embraced by the light, that they were with the angels. But what if that really wasn’t what happened? What if the loss was just as wrenching for the dead as for the living? What if the pain never went away?
She went down to the pond and sat on a rock. Sam joined her, and they were quiet for the longest time. Then Tess asked, “Will it always feel this way?”
“No,” Sam said. “It starts off pretty bad, but it changes. You’ll see.”
“What was your worst moment?”
Sam skipped a stone on the water. “It was right after the accident,” he said. “Charlie and I were together. It was scary. Charlie had just made a promise to stay with me forever and then suddenly he began to disappear. I was stranded all alone in this weird place that turned out to be the cemetery.” His voice choked up. “We figured out later on what had happened. See, we were right next to each other in between, then the paramedic shocked him back to life and he was gone.” He threw another rock. Plop. “I thought I’d never see him again. I really believed it was the end.”
“Then what happened?”
“It turned out all right. We still hang out every day and play catch.”
“But it’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not,” he said, “but we made a promise.”
“And what would happen if you—”
“Broke the promise? No way. Not gonna happen.” He stomped his foot on the rock.
“Sorry,” she said. “I bet you two are quite a team.” She watched him for a moment and felt even more sadness. How many boys like him were out there in the ether, holding on to their big brothers and sisters who were still alive? How many husbands were floating between life and death, clinging to their wives in this world? And how many millions and millions of people were there in the world like Charlie, who couldn’t let go of their loved ones when they were gone?
They sat silently by the pond and listened to the bullfrogs. In the distance, a boat engine rumbled. The night was as real as it had ever been. She heard noise on the lawn and turned to see the guests leaving. Then the lights went off in the kitchen and living room. Through the window, she watched her mother’s silhouette climb the stairs. She saw her come to her bedroom window, scratch Bobo behind the ears, look out for a few moments, then close the curtains.
Tess pulled her knees close to her and wrapped herself in a ball. She felt like a fleck in the universe now. She was lost and she desperately wanted to be comforted by the only person who could help her through this lonely night.
TWENTY-FOUR
THE CHARTS WERE STREWN ALL AROUND. SO WERE THE printouts from the Weather Service and NOAA. With ruler and calculator, Charlie was reckoning where to search at dawn. He didn’t care that the Coast Guard’s supercomputer had crunched all the data on tides, currents, and water temperature and concluded that Tess’s chances of survival were slim to none. In fact, he conceded that the situation appeared hopeless, especially since Tess’s spirit had already alighted in the cemetery. But with his brain in complete denial and his heart aching, he was grasping for some other explanation of the incredible events of the last twenty-four hours.
He knew plenty of examples of miracles on the ocean, sailors subsisting for days, weeks, or even months on life rafts or lashed to wreckage. Heck, the Hornblower had gone down last summer on Stellwagen Bank, and fifty-five hours later they had rescued her skipper and his family from the brink, where they were bobbing in their life vests, strapped together with a green deck hose. Sure, the water was warmer, but Tess had a Gumby suit that was rated for freezing temperatures. In theory, she would have been wearing it when her boat sank, so she could still be alive.
The logs in the fireplace had burned down to embers. The time on the VCR said it was almost midnight. How did it get so late? At first he didn’t notice the tree branches rustling against the window, but then they grew louder. That was strange. The cemetery had been silent all night. He stood up, straightened his T-shirt, re-tied his gray sweatpants, and adjusted one of his red wool socks. Then he went to the door, opened it, and looked outside.
Charlie’s heart leaped. Tess was standing in the shadows. “God, am I glad to see you,” he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her inside. She looked at him with the saddest eyes.
“I think something’s happening to me,” she said. “I couldn’t even knock on the door. There wasn’t any sound when I tried, so I had to make the wind jostle the tree branches instead.”
Charlie tensed. She was losing her physical connection to this world. It was the first clue that she was fading, but he still couldn’t believe it. Every single feature was as perfect as God had made it, and he couldn’t detect a single sign that she was a spirit. Most ghosts had a gleam in their eyes and luminosity in their skin. Sam shimmered when the light caught him a certain way, and sometimes, when he moved quickly, the lineaments of his body blurred. But Tess was all there, every angle and curve. She stood in the middle of the darkened living room, looking at the mess of maps and weather data. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She shuddered, turned, and looked into his eyes. She was definitely afraid. He tried to put his arms around her, but she stopped him.
“I wish we could, but Sam says it’s against the rules.”
“Sam? That little bugger.”
“He says it’s too much to handle.”
“I’m willing to take that risk.” His hands circled her and he pulled her close. Her body pressed hard against him, and he could tell she was soft where it mattered. She was all there in his arms. There was no mistaking it. She was real.
When they let go, she moved toward the big leather couch, plopped down in the middle, and buried herself in the pillows. “I can’t frigging believe this is happening,” she said. “I just can’t . . .”
“Tell me about tonight,” Charlie said, sliding in beside her.
“I went to my mom’s with Sam,” she said. “I couldn’t take it. It was just too sad. I can’t believe I put her through this again.” She pulled a pillow into her lap. “My crazy friend Tink thinks he’s going to rescue me tomorrow. God bless him. Poor Mom is clinging to that hope.” She threw the cushion down.
Charlie put his arm around her. He could feel her shaking with every breath. And that was what seemed impossible to explain. She was a spirit and yet she was shuddering right there in his arms.
“What about you?” she said. “Where’ve you been tonight?”
“I went down to the dock to see what was going on.” He stroked her shoulders and her hair. “Coast Guard says Querencia was destroyed by fire. They’ve been picking up charred wreckage all over Cape Ann. They think there’s no way you survived.”
“Do you believe that?” she asked.
“No,” he said, trying to convince himself. “Not until we find your body.”
Tess was staring at the burning log. “A fire . . .” she whispered. She seemed lost somewhere for the longest time, and then suddenly her eyes sparked and she said, “Charlie, my God. I think I remember what happened. . . .”
The boat had been upside down forever. It was pitch black in the cabin, and the floodboards were floating around her. She was doused with diesel fuel, battery acid, and salad dressing. The water was rushing in, but she couldn’t tell how much or how fast. And, most frightening of all, the boat was making the most horrible noises. Querencia was in agony. Tess was praying to her father to guide her through the ordeal. She was too proud to activate the EPIRB beacon or radio for help. She would tough it out until there was absolutely no other choice.
Then, like a miracle, the boat righted herself.
Thank you, Dad, wherever you are. . . .
Tess feared that the boat had been dismasted in the rollover. She crawled through the galley, pushing pots and pans and gear out of her way. She zipped up her suit, fastened her mask, and climbed up the ladder of the companionway. At the top, she stopped for an instant to listen. She co
uld hear the fury of the storm, but she needed to check the rigging. She held her breath and opened the hatch.
The pressure changed instantly as the wind burst inside along with a gush of seawater. She quickly hooked her tether onto the jack line and pulled herself on deck. The sky and sea had merged into one great wall of white, and it felt like she was flying.
She wasn’t sure she could stand upright in the high winds, so she stayed in a crouch as she scanned Querencia for damage.
Sure enough, the mast had been sheared like a toppled tree from the deck, leaving only a jagged stump of carbon-fiber splinters. The remains of the pole, fastened by halyards, were swinging from the boat and slamming into it like a battering ram with every ransacking wave. Tess knew she had to chop them loose immediately or they would pierce the hull, and she would founder.
The boat was pitching violently. She scooted to the cabin locker and pulled the bolt-cutters from the bracket. It took all her strength to slice through the stainless-steel rod rigging and to sever the main halyard, two jibs, and spinnaker. Instantly, a massive wave swept the mast away.
Then she duckwalked to the cockpit and surveyed her instruments.
Damn!
The autopilot was off. How long ago did that happen? Must have been when she lost power. She punched the button to get it going again, but it was out. She tried the backup. It was gone too. Now there was no choice: She would have to steer her way through this. But where the heck was she? She peered at the compass, trying to get her bearings. North. South. East . . .
Before she could finish, a wave smashed into the rear deck, slamming her hard against the wheel. It knocked the wind out of her, and she bent over, gasping for breath. A thunderous boom overhead made her stand right up. She looked to the heavens and saw a brilliant flash, then a zigzagging web of lightning. It spread out like lace across the sky. Even in the maelstrom, she appreciated its beauty. But she also knew the lightning rod had been swept away with the mast and with it her only protection.
She leaned back toward the controls and tried to calculate her location. She had been running without steering for a few hours. It was hard to tell which way the wind and current had carried her, but she estimated that she was somewhere between—
Tess never finished the thought. The boat breached violently, and she toppled toward the lifelines. She skidded along the deck, slammed into a stainless-steel stanchion, then felt her safety harness cutting hard into her ribs. Now she was lying flat on the deck, staring up into the darkness.
Her side ached, and she wondered how long the boat could take this beating. She pulled herself back to her feet, inched toward the cabin, and peered inside. The water had already swallowed the bunks and was rising fast.
It was a surreal moment, but Tess recognized it was time literally to abandon ship. Every good offshore sailor knew that you waited until the last possible moment and never got into a life raft unless you were stepping up into it from a sinking ship. Indeed, many sailors had perished over the years by deserting boats that managed to stay afloat, only to be swamped by the seas in an inflatable dinghy. But Querencia was going down. So she pulled the cord on the thick bundle strapped in the back of the cockpit, the CO2 canister hissed, and the raft began to inflate.
Now she had two choices: hurry below and activate the distress signal, or stay above and contact the Coast Guard on Channel 16, the emergency frequency. The radio in the cockpit was faster and, incredibly, it was unscathed. She reached for the mike.
Before she could even say “Mayday,” without any warning of thunder, a lightning bolt slammed into the deck. Tess felt the blast of heat from an explosion, then saw fire on the starboard side of the boat where the fuel tank was stored. Even in this tempest, the flames leaped high in the air.
Suddenly, the boat pitched to starboard, Tess lost her footing, and she felt the full force of her body slam against the jack line. For an instant, she was dangling upside down over the transom. Then she felt the safety wire snap and the tension release on her harness. Now there was nothing keeping her on the boat. She began to slide into the churning ocean.
In that instant, dragged away by the waves, she looked back at her beloved boat, and those were the last images she could remember: Querencia on fire and the white sky and sea closing in all around.
TWENTY-FIVE
“WOULD YOU EVER LEAVE SAM?”
Tess’s question lingered in the glow of the fireplace. Perhaps they were simply in denial about the facts or maybe they were swept away by each other, but they had abandoned the gloomy subject of the shipwreck and were dreaming out loud about what life would be like together.
“Would you ever leave the cemetery?” Tess asked. Her face was tucked into Charlie’s neck. “I mean, would you ever come with me around the world?” She couldn’t believe she was asking the question, but it was true. She didn’t want to go solo anymore. She wanted to be with him.
“You’ve never seen me sail,” he said. “Be careful what you wish for.”
“Don’t joke. I’m being serious.” Then she found herself asking a question that seemed almost too direct: “Are you going to stay here forever with Sam?”
Charlie stroked her hair. “Remember that bullfighting book I told you about?” She nodded. “There’s a pass called al alimón, where two matadors challenge a bull while holding on to the sides of just one cape. It’s suicide unless they’re in perfect harmony. In Spain, they say that only two brothers know each other’s thoughts and movements well enough to pull it off.”
“You and Sam.”
“I couldn’t face life without him.”
He kissed her softly on the forehead, and she felt safe enough to ask once more, “So what about us? What’s going to happen to you and me?”
He pulled her closer. “trust your heart / if the seas catch fire,” he whispered, reciting the poem from her father’s funeral.
“(and live by love / though the stars walk backward),” she answered.
“That’s what I want to do with the time we have.” He kissed her gently on the cheek. Then he whispered, “Come with me.” He slipped from the couch and stood up.
Tess watched him beckon and she didn’t know what to do. One candle was still burning on the coffee table. The fire was out. The room was silent.
“Come upstairs,” he said. “I won’t bite.”
“We can’t,” Tess said as the sadness returned. “It’s impossible. I couldn’t even knock on the door. I’m not really here.”
“Can you feel this?” he said, leaning forward and kissing her on the corner of her eye.
“Of course.”
“Can you feel this?” he said, running his hand across her shoulders and down to her breasts.
“Yes.”
“You’re still in between. You haven’t crossed over yet. Anything is possible.”
“Pretty smooth,” she said. “So this is how you get into a ghost’s pants?” She poked him in the ribs. Then he took the candle from the table and crossed the living room. “This way,” he said.
Tess followed through the darkness, up a steep staircase, down a little hall into his room. It was small and cozy, with a vaulted ceiling and exposed beams. A big craftsman bed took up almost all the space. He set the candle on the nightstand.
In the low light she could see Charlie take off his T-shirt and dive onto the bed. Below his muscled chest and stomach, his sweatpants were enticingly low on his waist. A small part of her wanted to play hard to get and make him work. It was a reflex from years of experience and disappointment. But that was ridiculous. This wasn’t the time for games. It was now or never.
“Tell me the truth,” she said. “Have you ever done something like this before?”
“You mean sleep with a spirit on a second date?” He was flashing that incredible dimple.
“Don’t push your luck, pal.” She pulled the clip from her hair, and it fell around her shoulders. She began to unbutton her shirt. And suddenly she noticed. The lines of her
hands were softer. Her skin was fainter. Even the feeling of her clothes was different. Everything was less substantial. It took a moment to process, but then she realized.
She was beginning to fade away.
It filled her with pure terror. This was really, truly the end. Soon she would evanesce to nothing. It made no sense. Sam had promised the timing would be her decision. She had made up her mind: She didn’t want to go yet. She wanted to stay right here with Charlie.
“Hey, what’s taking so long?” he said.
“Calm down, boy.” She didn’t know what to do, but there he was with his arms open. And so she finished the last buttons of her shirt and kicked off her shoes. She dashed over to the bed and blew out the candle. She didn’t want him to see her this way. She didn’t want him to know it was already happening.
Then she dived onto him, feeling his warmth against her own. Their fingers touched, and they were together, his arms encircling her waist, and her hands moving around his neck. Their kiss was deep, connecting, like a familiar story with a beginning, middle, and end. They caught their breath, and then she kissed his forehead, face, and shoulders.
Now her hands were on his chest, her fingers gliding along the faint ridges of what seemed like scars. “What’re these from?” she asked.
“Burn marks when the paramedic shocked me.”
She kissed each one gently and then moved lower, gliding her mouth over his stomach and hips, untying his sweatpants, sliding them off. Then her hands wrapped around him, all heat and power, and she reveled in a new discovery: He was the most perfect man she had ever touched.
She didn’t want to let go, but he rolled her over onto her back, unzipped her jeans, and in one fluid motion lifted her up to pull them off. His strength was impressive, and his instincts were very, very good.
