By the time I skated across the ice we were already down a point. Coach shot me a look. I ignored him and skated back to the center. This time I lost the puck again, but quickly recovered and retained it, passing it to Lenny, who passed it back to me, then to Perry for the goal. The puck ricocheted off the goal and fumbled back to the ice. He missed. I sped in and whacked it before their goalie had a chance to, but he blocked it and shot it back to his team.
The screen kept showing Nora and it annoyed me that she was there, but what agitated me even more is that she cheered for me and wore my number. While sitting with that jerk. I needed to stop looking at the damn screen.
I couldn't focus. The entire first half was a disaster. Coach reamed us out in the locker room, specifically focusing on my mistakes. I kept my head down until he made me look at him. "Is it the girl?" he said in front of the guys. "You're going to get this far and lose because of an insolent, cold-hearted girl?"
“Don’t talk about her like that,” I said, head down again.
“Face up, Reed,” Coach said. “This”—he pointed around the room at all the young faces—“what you’ve got here is better than the girl in those stands.”
“She’s always been and always will be more important to me than…” I looked around, knowing I’d quell their spirits if I said what I really wanted to say. “She’ll always be first.”
Coach threw his notebook at me and raised his voice. Everyone jumped, including me. “Then get out.”
I shook my head. "I'll play better."
"No. You'll leave. Right now.” He stood in front of me and yanked my jersey, forcing me to stand. "Get off my team, Reed.”
"I said I'll play better."
"Play better next time. For some other team.”
"Coach." I glanced at Jones, who just stared at me with unreadable eyes.
"Go." He shoved my back, then turned back to the team. "Morris, you take his place. Now get out there. All of you. And win this thing."
"Coach," I said again, but he was already rounding the corner.
Jones waited for me to say something, but I couldn't. I sat back down, ignoring the earthquake inside of me. He scooted across the bench until his leg touched mine.
"Don't let it be your life," he said. “Be passionate, but don’t let it become your life.”
"Yeah." My chest throbbed. I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Mom."
I failed at everything. At every single thing I did. And it never changed.
"I'm at the bottom of the ladder," I said to Jones. "Everything and everyone wants me to be at the bottom. Life doesn't let me climb."
He stood and put his hand in front of my face. "You've helped me up, Reed. Now let me help you up."
I stared at his outstretched arm, then gripped his hand and stood. We faced each other for a few silent seconds, then changed our clothes, grabbed our stuff, and walked out, leaving our dreams of the Stanley Cup behind us as we journeyed toward a completely unknown future ahead of us.
I wanted to wake up from the nightmare.
“Wait a second,” I said to Jones. “Quin was here. I need to see him before he disappears again.”
Jones stopped and turned back toward the locker room. “You want me to go out and look for him?”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
He walked toward the bench and came back within a few seconds. “Don’t see him there anymore.”
“Figures,” I said. “Let’s go.”
CH. 26 - Nora
London continued to lecture me about the magazine article I did. And of course the pictures. I curled up on my couch as the air conditioner hummed in the background. Every few seconds I’d take the phone away from my ear, then bring it back. “You gonna do this all day?” I said.
“I can’t believe you don’t care,” she said. “What happened to the Nora I grew up with?”
“I’m still Nora. Do you know how to exaggerate or what?”
“You’re not the Nora I know.”
“What? Because they convinced me to do that cover picture? I didn’t want to, but they kept pushing and pushing. I just felt weird, okay? Like a prude or something.”
“Well, prude or not, the entire article and all of the pictures made me lose respect for you. I’m watching my best friend go from a free-spirited beautiful person to a self-absorbed princess who only has time to pamper her own dreams.”
“That’s not fair, London. What are you talking about?”
“Do you even know what Sawyer did for you? Do you even know how much he loved you and probably still does? And you threw it all away for a life of emptiness with a guy who obviously just wants to have Nora Maddison, the trophy wife.” She paused, sucked in air, and breathed her frustration into the phone. “I’m surprised he hasn’t proposed yet.”
I thought about our date the other night. The random stop in a jewelry store, where he asked my ring size as nonchalantly as possible. I didn’t think about it until she said that.
“He didn’t propose, right?” she said.
“No.”
“Would you marry him if he asked?”
“I don’t know. Why are you overreacting? I took a few pictures for a magazine and I’m dating someone who happens to care about me and loves this industry. He understands me. He gets me like Sawyer didn’t. He wants me, London. Do you know what it’s like to date a bunch of guys all throughout your life and feel like no one ever cared enough to like you—all of you? They all just stopped calling or disappeared. Sawyer included. He may think he loves me or whatever, but he doesn’t understand me like Dan does. He didn’t care enough to call. What was I supposed to do? Wait around waiting for him to decide that he wanted me?”
“Is Dan brainwashing you? You ever think maybe he’s a little biased?”
“Who’s side are you on anyway?”
“I’d always choose the doormat’s side over the person who walks all over it.”
“Please. This is getting ridiculous.”
“I love you enough to be honest with you and all I’m saying is I don’t see you heading down a good path. Keep going if you want, but it’s not going to end up well. You’ll lose everything good for you and end up miserable. There’s a difference between a man who’s okay for you and a man who’s actually good for you, really good for you.”
I listened to her rant for a few more minutes, then finally told her I needed to go. Dan was picking me up in a few minutes for a quick date before he had to leave for his next film. I still hadn’t chosen a new movie to do and kind of needed the break. My personal life was overwhelming me, I guess.
I tried not to think of London’s words as I stood in front of the mirror. I checked my reflection. A self-absorbed princess. I didn’t feel self-absorbed. I didn’t feel beautiful either, but I did still think of myself as free-spirited, fun, and happy. Sad and miserable seemed impossible. I had nothing to be sad about. Confused, sometimes, but sad?
I fixed a few loose strands of hair, then left the mirror, gave Niles a kiss, and walked down to the front of the building. Dan stood outside the doors holding a violet rose. He chose a different color each time we saw each other. I stepped out, smiled at him as camera’s flashed around us, and took the rose. We kissed for a few seconds, gave the flashes a good show, then got into the car. The driver accelerated.
“So,” I said. “Where are we going tonight?”
“It’s a secret.”
“Oh, how mysterious of you.”
He reached for my hand, then pulled me toward him and kissed me again.
“I love you,” he said, centimeters from my lips. “I love everything about you.”
“You do?” I teased, avoiding the response he wanted to hear from my lips.
“You’re perfect.”
“No one’s perfect.”
“You are.” He leaned back and stared into my eyes.
I wanted to tell him I loved him, but it was happening so fast. Everything in my life moved at the speed o
f light. My heart was dizzy and my mind couldn’t keep up. Dan put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. I thought of Sawyer. That night on the bench. The many late night talks while the city slept. Dan and I didn’t talk like that. Not yet at least.
You have to let go of Sawyer, I told myself. He let you go, now let him go. Move on. Move on. Move on.
“You okay?” Dan said, kissing my head as the driver parked.
“Just been tired lately.” I perked up and looked out the window. “Where are we?”
“It’s your favorite bridge.” He opened the door and gave me his hand.
“No … I can’t go here right now.” I inched back into the car. “I can’t.”
“Come on, beautiful.” He leaned against the doorframe. “I want to show you something.”
I slowly moved toward the edge of the seat, looked around, and scooted back inside. “I can’t.”
“Please,” he said.
“No.” Tiny needles pricked the backs of my eyes. “Dan, I can’t. Seriously.”
He sighed and got back into the car. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll just show you here.” He pulled a jewelry box out of his pocket and set it on the seat between us. “I brought you here because I know you have memories of Sawyer here. I know part of you still hopes that maybe he’ll come and profess his love to you, but he’s not coming back, Nora. He gave you up. And I’m here to tell you that I’ll never let you go. For the rest of my life I will love you, every part of you. I’ll dream of you at night when I’m sleeping and kiss you first thing when I wake up. You’re everything I ever wanted in a woman. You are perfect and I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but…” He opened the box. “I’m not stupid enough to propose yet.”
The diamond earrings sparkled in the black velvet slots. “Dan … I ….”
“I don’t want to rush things.” He took the earrings from the box and held my hand. “But I do want you to know that I’m serious. That I love you.” He placed the diamonds into my palm. “That I’ll be here for you no matter what you choose to do in this life.”
“I … Dan … I’m sorry.” I covered my eyes with my hand and tried to bite back the cry that desperately wanted to escape my lips, but it came anyway. Everything changed. Everything changed, I kept telling myself. Why did it happen so fast? Tears covered my hand. Dan wiped the wetness from my face and kissed my forehead.
“Let me love you, Nora.”
“I don’t know what love is.” My hand fell to my lap. The earrings shimmered in the streetlight. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“It doesn’t have to be painful. Love doesn’t have to hurt.” He pulled my head into his chest and rubbed my arm. “It doesn’t have to be difficult.”
This isn’t right. That’s all I kept saying inside of myself, but I couldn’t pry my head from his body. He made it so hard to decline the love he offered. He made everything so easy, yet so complicated. I wanted to run again. As far as possible. But I kissed him back when his lips touched mine and I thought of Sawyer’s words. “Just a chess piece getting moved around by others.”
I stared at the diamonds. “Dan … I don’t think this….”
“Shhh…” He kissed my cheek. “Love never gives up.”
I attempted to smile.
“That’s my girl,” he said, kissing the corner of my mouth. “Let me see that gorgeous smile of yours.”
I laughed. “Oh, stop.”
“There you go.” He kissed me, passionately, while holding my hands in his lap. “I’m gonna make you the happiest woman alive.”
It didn’t take long for the tabloids to go crazy. People were speculating the wedding date and saying I was pregnant. Photoshopped pictures of me with a larger stomach were all over the internet. Maury yelled at me, telling me I needed to focus on my career and stop being such a target for the media, and London and Mom left about a thousand voicemails on my phone. Or at least it seemed like it.
Thankfully Dan went to Europe for his film. I needed the space. I needed to take the darn earrings out of my ears, leave them on my nightstand, and call Sawyer. One last time.
I waited until midnight, for the sake of old times, put on a vinyl of Passenger, got comfortable on the couch, and swayed back and forth as I called him.
“We’re sorry, but this number has been disconnected and is no longer in service….”
I double-checked and dialed again. Same message.
I texted London. You awake?
She responded a few minutes later. Unfortunately, yes. Huge case I’m working on. You finally decided to call me back?
Do you have Sawyer’s new number or his email?
Oh no … not this again Nora. You’re engaged!
I’m not engaged. I need to talk to him one last time. I need to make sure….
Make sure what? You made your choice a long time ago. He’d be stupid to take you back now.
Thanks Lon… great friend you are. Way to make me feel like crap.
You dug this grave, not me.
Dan loves me!!! He loves me!
You keep saying that, but do you love him?
I stared at the text, started typing, erased, typed again, the finally said, Love confuses me now. I don’t know anymore. I don’t believe in soul-mates anymore, London. Neither should you. Look at Sense and Sensibility. Ella always talks about this. You could say Willoughby was her soul-mate, but it didn’t happen and she ended up with the guy that cared for her the most. I always hated that ending. I did. But here I am and I get it now. I see the romance in letting someone in when they love you, whether you feel all oogly googly over them or not. I’m happy Sawyer and I had our time together, but it’s over now. He changed his number, he probably hates me.
He doesn’t hate you.
How do you know? Are you guys buddies now?
I’m not texting about this. Call me tomorrow, if your princess self has time.
You are so rude right now. What happened to MY friend, London? The one who didn’t believe in soul-mates either?
Call me.
I tossed my phone to the other side of the couch. Niles rustled beside me. I pulled him toward my chest and nuzzled into his neck. “What am I gonna do, boy?” I whispered to him. “I don’t want to be self-absorbed.” I replayed recent memories, the last two years, my experience in the industry and everything going uphill so fast. I was trying my hardest to stay normal. I really was. “Am I different now?” I said to Niles. “Am I worse?”
He whimpered and curled up beside me again. I stared at the as Golden Leaves by Passenger made me think of Sawyer. Not my media-designated fiancé. What’s left to do when we’ve lost all hope and what’s left to break when our hearts are broken? The lyrics spilled out of Michael David Rosenberg as though he were channeling them from my own heart. I listened as I stared at the ceiling, wondering how to make sense of a life that no longer made sense. An hour passed, the record ended, and as though it were timed perfectly … my phone rang.
CH. 27 - Sawyer
I don’t know why I dialed her number. London convinced me that it would be different this time, but I had my doubts. Merry-Go-Round Nora wasn’t my favorite ride and after everything with The Bruins and Quin, I just wanted to be left alone to my quiet life at home, but I couldn’t leave myself alone when I knew she called. I tried to stop myself for an hour or so, but I needed to hear what she wanted to say.
It was 1:09 a.m. when I called and I didn’t expect her to pick up.
“You there?” I said when the phone stopped ringing.
She sniffed. “You called.”
“I did.”
“Sawyer, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” She sobbed so bad I could barely understand her words. “I’m sorry for everything. I hate this. I’m so confused.”
I listened, longing to hold her and tell her it was okay, to forgive her and kiss her and feel her back against my hands. To make her mine. But I knew better. She flip-flopped all the time, so I kept my heart cal
m and waited.
She cried a little, then continued, “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Man, I missed her voice. Not a day passed when I didn’t think of her. “You’re in what appears to be a serious relationship with another man.”
Silence answered back, followed by a few soft cries and crackling sounds.
“Do you love him?” I said, hoping she’d say what I wanted to hear. Hoping she’d leave him and tell me she was mine.
"I don't know,” she said.
"Your dad talked to me at the hospital. He made it seem like you have issues with commitment. Later London told me you've never been without someone for long. Always short relationships, one guy to the next. I'll bet my entire savings that you’ll be with another guy within a few months. Why are you doing it, Nora?”
"Is that how you see me?"
"Yes, because that's how you are." I shook my head as though she could see me. “At least right now.”
"I called to give you one more chance, but here we go arguing again. You know what Dan told me? He said love doesn't have to be painful. He promised to make me happy."
"Then marry him already.” I stood and paced the floor. “What the hell are you waiting for?"
"Goodbye, Sawyer."
“Thanks for the mature response.”
"Why is every conversation about how much I need to improve? You have issues too."
"I'm working on them."
"I'm hanging up now."
"Okay."
"Okay," she whispered.
"Okay," I said again, waiting for her to hang up, but she never did. I listened to her breathe like old times. Twenty minutes later I whispered her name a few times, but she didn't respond. So … I unloaded. "Nora, I do love you. You may not think my love is like Dan’s and London told me all about that 'fight for me' nonsense. I am fighting though. I lost my dream of winning the Stanley because I couldn't stand seeing you with that guy and Coach saw how distracted I was. I guess he wanted to make a point and show the guys how serious the game was and I get that, but I lost it all in an instant. A year of hard work. Gone. Just like that. I'm losing you now because I love you too much to see you change for the worse. I've seen this industry turn people into demons. It scares me. I can't be involved with it and I can't watch someone I love become ruined with my support. I will always love you. And the second you show up at my door, I'm yours. Goodnight, sweet girl.”
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 14
