"He's not," I said. "How are you? How's the movie coming along?"
"Don't play games. I've seen pictures of him coming in the same day you were admitted and leaving in different clothes a different day. Everyone's talking about it. I'm not stupid."
“Is this what everyone is going on about? Don’t tell me you believe the rumors. I don't know if he's here or not. I haven't seen him. My parents are here and London. That's it."
"You know I'd be there if I could. I'm not some loser who has nothing better to do."
"I know you would, Dan. I never said anything about that.”
"If I find out you've been seeing him I'll make sure you both regret it."
"What?" My palms heated up within seconds. "Are you threatening me? What kind of trust is that?"
"I didn't mean it like that. Calm down. I love you, that's all."
"You threatened me, Dan. Love doesn't threaten. Love let's go even when it hurts, if that's what the other person wants."
"Are you telling me you want me to let go?" He grunted like an odd animal. "That's not in my nature. When I win a prize I don't lose it."
"Dan. You're freaking out over nothing. You remember all those nice talks we used to have? Gone. Now all you can talk about is how much you don't trust me and Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer.” I inhaled and exhaled loud enough for it to sound like wind in the phone. “I let him go, okay? I let him go. I. Let. Him. Go.”
“Have you?”
“Have you let go of your ex who is still sitting on our fireplace at our home?”
“She’s one of my best friends, Nora. Like a sister to me. You can’t pull that card.”
“I can pull whatever card I want to. You convince me to move in with you, then run off to Europe to do a film while I move my stuff into a house I’ve never seen before with pictures of some girl still hanging up all over the place. This is so messed up. And here I am, trying to make the best of my mistakes and you’re treating me like I’m some kind of slut. I don’t cheat on people. I never have. I never will. That," I said sternly, "is against my nature. No matter how unhappy I could possibly be in a relationship, faithfulness overrides it all."
"Are you saying you're unhappy? That I’m a mistake?”
“I’m saying this is all confusing to me and you’re not doing a very good job at making me feel welcome in my decisions. You talk about all this love, love, love, but I don’t see it.”
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "You're right. I'm sorry."
“Okay.”
“Do you love me?”
“Sure.”
“Say it.”
“I … love you, Dan.”
“I love you, Nora. I’ll be home as soon as I can. Take down whichever pictures you want to take down.”
“No.”
“What?”
“That’s your job if you want to do it.” I thought of Sawyer. “I’m not forcing you to do anything.”
“Fine. I’ll do it when I get home. To our home. I love you.”
We hung up and I refused to look at London. I could imagine her perplexed and intrigued gaze waiting for me to explain myself, so I closed my eyes and hoped she’d respect the silence I wanted to entertain.
“Nora, you have to be kidding me.” Short-lived silence.
I exhaled as a nurse walked in. Perfect timing. She checked my vitals and all that fun stuff, made sure I was producing good urine. I looked at her when she checked the bag.
“Looks good,” she said. “Better than most cases I’ve seen.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“Do you need anything?”
“No, thanks. I’ll let you know.”
She tapped a few keys on the computer by my bed, then walked out.
London, of course, didn’t waste time. “That conversation was … interesting.”
“Can we please talk about something else?” I shifted in my bed, then pushed the button to move the bed into a better sitting position. “Please.”
“Well, gee, let me think. The weather? Or TV? Which superficial topic would you enjoy most?”
I rubbed my face. “London.”
“Why are you staying with him? It’s obvious you don’t really want to be with him, Nora. Maybe he’s a nice guy … on the surface, I guess, but is he the man you want to be married to? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?”
“Two problems. One, Sawyer doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’ve ruined it. Two, I don’t want to deal with the media’s stupidity if I leave Dan right now. He’s so loved by everyone. Not to mention the lovely fact that everyone thinks I’m unfaithful and crazy. What would I prove if I left him? Apparently there’s rumors of Sawyer being here at the hospital and me having an affair while recovering from surgery. I can only imagine the stuff that will be said if I leave Dan. He’s been a loved celebrity for the last decade. I’m the new girl everyone wants to hate. It’ll be the end of me.”
“I don’t know, Nora. This sounds awful and if I were you I wouldn’t care what those people say.”
“Easy for you to say.” I sighed. “Dan is wonderful. He does everything for me and he is really, really sweet.”
“Sweet?”
“Most of the time.”
“It’s so fake.” She stood and paced beside my bed. “You want to know something?”
She stopped beside me and put her hands on the rail beside me. “When Sawyer called you that last time … he was going to tell you he didn’t care what you did for a living, he wanted to be with you and fight for your love.” She tapped the rail. “But you said you were married.”
I looked at the moving images on the TV screen, but they looked like blurry strokes of chalk in the rain. My eyes stung and I tried my hardest to keep the dam from erupting, but a few drops escaped and before I knew it I was shaking on the bed. London leaned in, wrapped her arms around me, and said nothing. She didn’t need to. What could she say? Sorry you ruined your own life, Nora. If only you hadn’t been so naive….
She could say that, but she didn’t need to. I already knew. And she knew I knew.
I soaked her shoulder with my tears, then pulled back and dried my face with the sheets. My lungs wanted to give up and my heart was pounding so fast I didn’t think my body could keep up. I shook my head, dried new tears, and stared at London.
“He gave you his kidney,” she said, holding my hand. “He told me that if he couldn’t be with you that he wanted to at least be part of you and be able to die with you. He had planned to give it to you since the first hospitalization, but since you didn’t need it at the time they waited. I called him when you came in here again and he was here within hours.”
I shook my head. “Please, stop.”
She nodded as a tear, then another, traveled down her own face and landed in the wetness my own tears left on her sweater. “I believe in love now,” she said.
I covered my mouth to hide the trembling.
She squeezed my hand, then stood and walked to the door. “He’s right down the hall, in case you’re wondering.”
She left the room and the warm tan walls darkened as the sun hid behind the clouds. My chest jerked, trying to shove more pain out of my body in heaves and tears, but I inhaled as much as I could, exhaled, and closed my eyes to keep it inside. Lips pursed tight, I willed my eyes to stay dry. I thought of happy times, but every one involved his face. So I opened my eyes, but they were wet as can be. I almost closed them again, but his clouded face stared at me from the open doorway and I couldn’t look away.
He stepped forward and became a fuzzy puddle of color. I tried to shake the tears away. All of it away. But I messed up. I messed up so bad and I didn’t deserve anything he did for me. I didn’t deserve to see him, standing there in a blurry heap of color, with glistening streaks on his own face.
I didn’t deserve love.
CH. 33 - Sawyer
Her shoulders drooped as her body crumpled into itself on the bed. I stepped forward. She held up her hand li
ke a stop sign and sobbed into the other. I took another step as my own eyes betrayed me. Seeing her in pain was so much worse than any pain I experienced.
"London said you wanted to see me," I whispered. "I asked the nurses for some privacy.” I closed the door. “What happened?"
The stop sign fell to her lap. She clasped both hands together and stared up at me, chin down and covered with tears. I took another step and held my hands up as though I were approaching someone with a gun. She looked down and rubbed her fingers, sniffing away the last of her cries. My breathing couldn't figure out if it wanted to be deep and slow or fast and sporadic. I wanted to hold her as my body filled with this unexplainable warmth at the sight of her, but I feared what she'd say if I tried. So I took another step as a sudden pang shot through my side where her new kidney used to live. I flinched and held the edge of her bed. She reached over and heated my arm with her gentle touch. I stared at her fingers, long and beautiful, traveling to her soft hands and olive-toned arms. I let my eyes follow the path to her shoulder, then her collarbone as it rose and fell above her chest. I started to follow the path downward toward the curves hidden by white sheets, but went up instead. To her quivering chin and bottom lip as it parted from the other. She caught me staring at her lips and drew them into her mouth, then released them. My body, if it was in pain, couldn't feel it anymore. I pressed my thumb into her cheek and smeared the tear between my skin and hers. Our eyes met and a sudden dose of electricity shot through my veins. Her golden eyes were shaded by the storm inside of her. She was at the bottom. I knew the feeling. She needed someone to believe in her, but all I could think about was her lips luring me in every second.
I looked down. Her hand was now on mine. Without thought, my body fell toward hers. I put one arm over her head and touched my lips to her temple. My shirt hung from my chest and draped over her face. I could feel her quick, short breaths through the fabric as she tilted her chin up.
She's with someone else, I said inside. This isn't right.
But wrong as it was, it felt right. Every fiber of my being felt right as my lips moved down her cheek and to her lips. I waited there to see if she'd stop me, but ... before I could stop myself my lips were one with hers, tasting her tears as she tasted mine.
She pulled back and shook her head. “I’m…” she whispered. "I believe in faithfulness … I believed."
I leaned my face into my arm above her head and whispered, "I'm not sorry."
She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into her. We stayed like that for a few minutes until she serenely pushed my body from hers and gazed so far into my eyes I thought she'd get stuck in there. I wished she would.
"I'm sorry, Sawyer. I don't deserve your love or”—she broke eye contact—“even Dan's. As if I wasn't already horrible enough, I just did the one thing I swore I'd never do." She covered her eyes for a second, then peered up at me. "I'm a cheater now. The world was right all along."
"No." I stood. "It's my fault. I shouldn't ha—”
"I kissed you back." She took my hand. "And I wanted to."
"We belong together," I pleaded. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. Leave him. Please, just leave and come back to me. I'll fight every day for the rest of my life."
She let go of my hand. “Sawyer … I….”
"We belong together."
She held the stop sign back up. "You're making this so hard."
"It's hard because you're telling the one person you are meant to be with, the one who makes you complete, to go away. I'm not making it hard. It just is."
"I need to tell Dan what happened. If he leaves me, that's his choice, but I can't start a war. Not right now.”
"It doesn't have to be a war."
She closed her eyes. "You need to leave before I kiss you again."
"Kinda hard to leave knowing that." I smiled for the first time in weeks.
"Sawyer." She held back a laugh. "You need to go now."
I nodded, looking down. "Okay," I said. "If that's what you want."
"You'll always be with me." She touched her chest near her ribs. "You're more of a part of me than anyone else."
"She told you?"
She nodded. "Thank you."
"I'd give you the other one too."
"I hope you find someone who deserves you, Sawyer."
"I'm not looking for that. No one deserves anything. I'm just looking for someone who is willing to forgive me and someone I can't help but forgive."
Someone tapped the doorframe. London forced a smile. "Can I come in?"
"I'm heading out." I hugged her on my way to the hall, then turned back and waved to Nora. She looked down and leaned back into the bed. I managed to walk away as a nurse walked in, then immediately saw her parents walking up the hall. Mrs. Maddison's eyes were glassy. She stopped in front of me and opened her arms for a hug. I walked into her embrace and pat her back.
"She'll be okay," I said.
She pulled back and shook my chin. "It's not her I'm worried about."
I shrugged. Mr. Maddison reached out his hand and I shook it. He pulled me into a quick hug and said, "Thank you for taking care of my little girl, son." He pulled his wife into him. "If you ever need anything, let us know."
I nodded, thanked them, and kept walking.
"Son."
I turned back to Mr. Maddison.
"Hey, let me give you a lift to the airport."
"Oh, I'm fine. Really. I was just getting a cab. I’m not leaving the state until I know she’s okay.”
He caught up with me. "I'll walk you outside." We walked in silence until we reached the sidewalk. "How do you feel?" he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
"I've got some good pain meds. I'll be fine. Some hockey injuries hurt worse."
"No, son. I mean, how do you feel?" He looked around, as uncomfortable with the situation as me. "I know your parents died a long time ago and London told us about your brother. I know they can't be replaced, but I mean it when I call you son."
I opened my mouth to speak, but had nothing.
He squeezed my shoulder, tapped my chest, nodded, and walked back inside, leaving me alone in the thick summer air. But I didn't feel alone this time. He gave me the best gift I'd received in a long time. Something normal people took for granted. He gave me the gift of family. Of feeling, even for just a few minutes, like I had a father to lean on during one of the roughest times of my life.
I wondered if I'd ever call him Dad.
A taxi pulled up and splashed my pants with nasty gutter water. I shook it off and opened the door.
"Wait!" London grabbed my arm as she panted for air. "Can we talk?"
I looked at the car, then back to her. "Where?"
"Hey, buddy," the driver said. "Coming or what?"
I waved him off and shut the door. London stared up at me, rubbed the side of her neck, and cleared her throat. "Sawyer, I know this is crazy, but after everything I just need to be honest. These last few months I've tried to fight this, but seeing you there, the way you left her room ... I want you to be happy."
"I'll be fine," I said. "I'm not going to pretend to be happy, but I'll be fine."
"No." She rubbed her neck again, looking at her feet. "What I'm trying to say is...."
"I understand, really."
"Sawyer ... I think I love you." The corners of her mouth twitched as the words repeated in my mind. She rocked on her heels and tilted her head back, then looked at me again. Her eyes were bright and hopeful and I hated to be the one to dash those dreams.
"You don't love me," I said. "You love the way I love Nora, but you don’t actually love me.” Her eyes glazed over. I touched her cheek. "London, you're gorgeous and smart and loyal. Someone will steal you away from this world and make you feel the way I feel when I look at the woman I love, but that man isn't me."
She ran her hand through her hair and let it fall over her eyes. I moved it and put it behind her ear. "I'm your brother. I'm here for you, okay? But my he
art belongs to her.”
She smiled and nodded. "I don't know what came over me."
"People do their best to not let passion begin. It's dead before it has a chance to start."
"Hey, that's...."
"Jack White. You're being passionate. It's good. I admire that. It's just misplaced, that's all."
"You're a good man, Sawyer." A fool”—she laughed—“but a good man."
"Yeah, enough of that." I hailed another cab. "Get back in there and take care of my girl. She needs you."
Gretzky was happy to see me, wagging his tail and rubbing against my leg as I skimmed through the mail. Nothing worth opening except one large envelope near the bottom. From Quin. I tore the edge off and pulled out an 8x10 photo of the tree we climbed as kids. Little Quin waved from the top, hanging off like a pirate on a ship. I turned the picture over. A small note said: I'm done. Your turn. -Q
I flipped the envelope back over. No return address.
I set the picture on the dining room table and smiled. His bottom was my top, and my bottom was his top. I hoped by "done" he meant that he was going to let himself fall to the bottom and finally be content with losing sometimes. For me, I needed to be okay with winning. And for once I wanted something enough to win it.
I would stop at nothing to get her back.
CH. 34 - Nora
I was finally released to go back home, to Dan’s home that I was supposed to call our home, but truthfully it felt like his home. London, Mom, and Dad helped me get settled inside and I noticed Dad looking at those pictures on the mantle. It always bothered me when he made those inquisitive faces, but never asked the question behind his eyes. Just ask already, I wanted to say, but he never did. Mom would ask privately later. That’s her way.
“That Sawyer sure is a sweet boy,” Mom said, rubbing lemon juice into my bleeding heart.
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 17
