by Neil LaBute
Adam Okay.
Jenny It just –
Adam – happened.
Jenny Right. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time … Three years …
Adam … Me too. (Beat.) And now we take it out in the woods and bury it … Don’t we?
Jenny Yeah. I mean, yes, definitely. I guess …
Adam Don’t you think? We have to … Jesus, what’re we even talking about?!
Jenny No, we do. Course. Don’t you want to?
Adam Bury it?
Jenny Yes … Or …
Adam No, we can’t talk about … Don’t even say the … Do you have a shovel in your car?
Jenny I don’t, no … But I have my car.
Adam … My bike’s right over there.
Jenny Is it locked up?
Adam Uh-huh.
Jenny Then it should be fine …
Adam I suppose so. It’s a small town, after all.
Jenny That’s what people say …
Adam Good people. People we know and care about …
Jenny Right. (Beat.) Come on, we should go bury this. In the woods …
They kiss again, then stand up slowly and walk off. She puts an arm through his.
A DOCTOR’S LOUNGE
Adam and Evelyn sit on opposing couches, flipping through magazines. After a moment, he glances up and checks his watch.
Adam What time did they say?
Evelyn Like, ten-thirty …
Adam And it’s ten-fifty now …
Evelyn No big deal, you always wait at the doctor’s office.
Adam I know, I just have to be at work by twelve.
Evelyn Today?
Adam Yeah, I told you that …
Evelyn No, you didn’t.
Adam I did … I always work Wednesdays.
Evelyn Really?
Adam Yeah, every Wednesday.
Evelyn Damn. I hope they …
Adam It’s okay. I guess I could be a little late if I have to …
Evelyn Sure?
Adam Uh-huh. It’s alright … I mean, they hate it but I can make something up.
Evelyn We can go.
Adam No, I wanna do this. I do … (Beat.) Who wouldn’t want to get their nose chopped off?
Evelyn Come on! It’s not …
Adam I’m kidding. No, I think you’re right about it …
Evelyn It’s just shaving it …
Adam Yeah, that’s much better. ‘Shaving’ your nose off … That settles the nerves.
Evelyn You’re only talking to them, anyway, that’s all.
Adam I know, it’s just weird to think …
Evelyn People do it all the time.
Adam Right, no, you’re right, I just never imagined myself one of those people …
Evelyn I’m one of those people. Would you ever’ve guessed that?
Adam What? You are not …
Evelyn Bullshit. Take a look …
Adam Where …?
He moves over to her, studies her nose.
I don’t see anything.
Evelyn Exactly.
Adam You had your nose done? Honestly?
Evelyn At sixteen. My parents’ birthday present …
Adam Thoughtful …
Evelyn No, I asked for it. I had this terrible hook. ‘The Jewish slope’ we called it in Lake Forest … The only ski run for miles around!
Adam (smiling) I can’t believe it … I can’t tell …
Evelyn That’s the idea, isn’t it?
Adam Yeah, but … You could be lying to me.
Evelyn And what would be the point of that?
Adam To get me in here. To watch chunks of my flesh get torn away … You could be a sadist, for all I know …
Evelyn Hey, quit sweet-talking me …
Adam Well, they did an amazing job. (Beat.) Wait a minute, your name’s ‘Thompson’, that’s not Jewish …
Evelyn On my mother’s side, you dope. That’s what makes me Jewish … Her maiden name is ‘Tessman’.
Adam Oh.
Evelyn We don’t have to stay here, Adam …
Adam No, it’s alright, it just makes me a little jumpy …
Evelyn It’s cosmetic, not corrective … It’s no big deal. I promise …
Adam If it’s cosmetic, why can’t I just put some powder on it or something, or shade it in on the side like they do for Richard Gere in photos …
Evelyn You mean, before?
Adam … He had it done?!
Evelyn Take a look at American Gigolo and then at any picture of him today. I’m serious. Lots of guys do it … Joel Grey.
Adam Okay, that’s it, let’s go …
Evelyn (laughing) Kidding! What about Sting?
Adam Yeah, I knew he did. Looked totally different in Quadrophenia. I used to rent that video all the time, my ‘mod’ phase …
Evelyn That must’ve been cute … (Beat.) Does he look better now? Sting, I mean?
Adam I suppose so … Maybe it’s just all that yoga, though.
Evelyn I think you’ll look great. You have a good face, a nice shape to your nose, actually, but it’s just got that bit of …
Adam What?
Evelyn … Bulb … At the end. Not a bulb, exactly, but …
Adam No, I got it, sort of the ‘Rudolph’ effect. At least I can guide your sleigh tonight …
Evelyn You can guide my sleigh any night.
They look at one another, kiss.
Adam P.D.A.
Evelyn Indeed …
Adam Shall I check the men’s room?
Evelyn I dare you …
Adam Shut up!
Evelyn I’m serious …
Adam You’re crazy …
Evelyn Quite possibly. I still dare you …
Adam What if they call us?
Evelyn Then they’ll just have to wait, won’t they?
Adam I suppose they would …
Evelyn Can you afford to be late, that’s the question. Will you take the risk …?
Adam Is this, like, my last meal or something? A conjugal visit before I’m drawn and quartered …
Evelyn Stop being so morbid … It’s just flesh.
Adam Yeah, I see what you mean … ‘It’s just flesh,’ that’s not morbid at all.
Evelyn It isn’t. It’s one of the most perfect substances on earth. Natural, beautiful. Think about it …
Adam I’d rather not.
Evelyn Oh come on … You’ve bitten more skin off from around your fingernails than a doctor would ever trim off your nose. It’s true …
Adam Yeah, but that’s just …
Evelyn … What? It’s the same thing. Now, that grows back and this wouldn’t, but that’s about the only difference. (Beat.) How did you get that scar on your back?
Adam Which, the …?
Evelyn Yes. The raised one …
Adam A kid, umm, threw a stick at me … First grade.
Evelyn Stitches?
Adam Yeah. Thirty-three …
Evelyn And is that terrible? Are you disfigured because of it …?
Adam Well, I don’t like to wear tanktops …
Evelyn … And you should be respected for that.
Adam (giggling) I’m serious … It bugs me …
Evelyn Okay, but why? Because it looks ugly or because you think other people will think it looks bad? Which?
Adam I dunno …
Evelyn What’s the matter with scars? Not a thing … (Pulls up sleeve.) Look at these, see there?
Adam What’re those?
Evelyn They’re scars … Lots of little scars. You didn’t notice them before?
Adam Yeah, I guess I did, but I didn’t think anything …
Evelyn Sure, you did. Of course you would, they’re on my wrist. You know what they are …
Adam … Did you try to …?
Evelyn No, not really. I mean, I cut on myself a little, tried to get attention when I was a teenager, but I didn’t want to slit my veins open. Or I would have …<
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Adam Oh.
Evelyn I’m a very straightforward person.
Adam Yeah, I’m getting that …
Evelyn It’s the only way to be. Why lie?
Adam You’re right.
Evelyn Exactly. (Beat.) So, is my arm unattractive to you, then, because of those, or not? Tell me …
Adam No …
Evelyn Are you lying?
Adam No, not at all, I love your arm.
Evelyn ‘Love’ is a big word …
Adam I know that. That’s why I used it. I don’t throw it around, believe me …
Evelyn Either do I.
Adam I love your arm. It’s beautiful …
He takes hold of her wrist gently, kisses it.
Evelyn They’re like rings on a tree. They signify experience … Make us unique.
Adam I can see that.
Evelyn And that’s all this is, the idea of you having some surgery. It’s an experience …
Adam I know, it just makes me …
Evelyn … What, nervous? Of course you should be nervous, why not? It’s something you’ve never done … But that’s the adventure.
Adam ‘It’s a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done …’
Evelyn Something like that. Is that from a book?
Adam Yeah, Dickens …
Evelyn Huh. Well, I don’t know about better, but at least different.
Another quick kiss.
So, are you gonna go check?
Adam What? … You mean, the rest room?
Evelyn Uh-huh.
Adam Umm … Okay. What if they call my name, though? Seriously …
Evelyn What if they do?
Adam (smiling) I smell trouble … Which I may not be able to do after this.
Evelyn Just go …
Adam (standing) Okay, why not? Then I can show you something …
Evelyn What?
Adam Just a little thing I had done. For you.
Evelyn Wait, what … Show me now.
He looks around, can’t wait. He pulls open his pants and lets her glance inside.
Adam Look … A big religious no-no. (Pulls at his waistband.) Nice, huh?
Evelyn ‘Eat.’ Lemme guess … You couldn’t afford the ‘me’.
Adam No, you goof! Your initials. Like it?
Evelyn (touching it) I do, I like it. And I love the gesture.
Adam ‘Love’ is a big word.
Evelyn I know that. That’s why I used it … (Beat.) Go check the ‘handicapped’ stall. I’m suddenly very hungry …
He slips off, out of the waiting room. Evelyn goes back to reading her magazine, when a voice calls out.
Voice Mr Sorenson. Adam Sorenson, please …
Evelyn looks up, glances toward where Adam has disappeared but says nothing. She smiles.
A LAWN
Phillip and Adam sitting on their jackets between classes, talking. Adam has a bandage across his nose.
Phillip I’m serious, it looks good …
Adam Just shut up … Don’t get here late and then make fun of me.
Phillip No, you look distinguished.
Adam Phil, I look like a hockey player …
Phillip Yeah, but a distinguished one.
They chuckle.
What’d you do, anyway?
Adam … I fell.
Phillip Come on …
Adam Seriously, I did …
Phillip You sound like a battered wife. ‘I fell …’
Adam That’s not funny.
Phillip Yeah, it is … It’s very funny. I mean, it’s not that funny that wives get beat up, but the fact that you look like one, that I find hilarious …
Adam Well, anyway, that’s what happened. I tripped, I fell … No big deal.
Phillip Sure it wasn’t the bathroom door? That’s the usual excuse …
Adam For who?
Phillip Abused women …
Adam You’re sick.
Phillip Somewhat, yeah. But I’m nice-looking, which makes up for a lot.
Adam Not as much as you think …
Phillip ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.’
Adam I don’t … I just hate you.
Phillip See, I knew you did, all these years … (Beat.) You really fell?
Adam Yeah. I tripped on the stairs going into my apartment and caught my face on the … You know … The …
Phillip No, what?
Adam Oh, come on! It’s not that fascinating …
Phillip It is, too. It’s completely fascinating. So, you don’t wanna tell me then, right?
Adam Tell you what?!
Phillip What happened to your …
Adam I told you. I tripped going up the … And hit the edge of the …
Phillip Yeah, it’s the ‘edge of’ that I’m a little hazy on here …
Adam Edge of the knob. My door knob.
Phillip She clocked you one, didn’t she?
Adam Who?
Phillip ‘Who?’ The artist, formerly known as Evelyn, or whatever her name is …
Adam Are you nuts?
Phillip Well, I’ve gotta hand it to her, she certainly made a ‘statement’ …
Adam You are such an idiot …
Phillip Did she hit you?
Adam Stop!
Phillip I don’t care if she did, I’m just asking …
Adam Yeah, well … You can be annoying.
Phillip It’s one of my best qualities, actually …
Adam And there aren’t many of them.
Phillip You really tripped? Truthfully …
Adam Yes.
Phillip … Huh. Okay.
Adam Why do you say that? ‘Huh.’ you don’t believe me?
Phillip No, I just … Nothing.
Adam What? Don’t do that, come on now. What?
Phillip It’s no big … (Beat.) I saw your girlfriend the other day, maybe, what, last Thursday? You weren’t in class, and I said to her, I asked her if you were okay, that’s all …
Adam Yeah, so?
Phillip And she said ‘yes’, but you were recovering from an operation or something …
Adam What?!
Phillip That’s what I said, ‘He didn’t tell me about anything,’ and she said it wasn’t really an operation per se, just some thing you had done. A procedure. And that was it … So I just thought …
Adam No, it’s not …
Phillip Hey, you don’t have to tell me, we’re not on intimate terms or anything …
Adam I hurt it. Really …
Phillip Whatever.
Adam No, not ‘whatever’, Phil … I did. I hit it and, you know … I banged it pretty bad at home and so I had the doctor look at it. But he didn’t … operate or anything. The bandage is from that. The door.
Phillip After you tripped on the stairs … Yeah, you told me.
Adam She must’ve just gotten confused.
Phillip Maybe. That doesn’t seem to happen to her very often, though … She’s pretty sharp.
Adam No, she is … I’m sure it’s just the way I explained it. I mean, to her …
Phillip Right.
Adam … And where did you see her?
Phillip Evelyn? I don’t know … Starbucks or somewhere. The mall, maybe.
Adam She doesn’t drink coffee.
Phillip So, it was downtown then, Record City, I think … (Beat.) What, you worried I’m gonna steal her? Believe me …
Adam No, God … Don’t be so … (Touches nose.) Anyway, it’s gonna be fine …
Phillip Well, that’s good to hear.
Adam Yep.
Phillip … So you’re okay, though?
Adam No. I mean, yeah, I’m great … Absolutely.
Phillip Then good … (Beat.) And you’d tell me if there was anything seriously wrong?
Adam … Of course! Hey, what’s up?
Phillip I mean, we’re friends, right? You’d come to me …
Adam … About what? (Beat.) Phil, what’s �
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Phillip Jenny told me.
Adam What?
Adam looks at his friend. For the first time, Phillip seems less than in control.
Phillip She kissed you.
Adam Oh.
Phillip She felt shitty, I guess. I could tell for, like, a week that something was going on and finally she told me about it. How you guys met and talked about us – why do girls always have to talk about everything? – and later she leaned over and kissed you. That’s what she told me.
Adam She did … I mean, she did do that but it was nothing.
Phillip Hey, it wasn’t nothing, she’s a good kisser. Hell of a kisser.
Adam I don’t mean ‘nothing’, but it meant nothing. It didn’t hold meaning for us … It just happened.
Phillip Okay. So, you can speak for her, then?
Adam For me … It didn’t for me. It was just a … That’s all she said?
Phillip Don’t tell me there’s more …
Adam No, God, not at all … I just …
Phillip It’s alright, I’d been acting weird lately, this whole marriage idea is just … freaky … So, it’s my fault.
Adam Right …
Phillip I mean, who gets married at twenty-two these days? Right? it’s not the Middle Ages, for chrissakes … (Beat.) I just feel bad … You know, for her.
Adam Why?
Phillip Kissing you … That’s hideous! It’s what those new-age dumbshits would call ‘a desperate cry for help’ …
They laugh, catching each other’s eye.
Adam Sorry …
Phillip ’S alright. It’s better than me having to kiss you …
Adam Good point.
Phillip No tongue, right?
Adam Jesus …
Phillip I’m just asking …
Adam No! Please …
Phillip looks at his watch.
Phillip Well, I got a three-ten. You?
Adam Nah … I’m free. Gonna go work out.
Phillip You and the … What is going on with the ‘meta-morphosis’ thing here? You’re like Frankenstein …
Adam You mean, Frankenstein’s monster. Frankenstein was the doctor …
Phillip Ahh, don’t be such an English Lit prick …
Adam I am an English Lit prick.
Phillip I know, but you don’t have to sound like one, do you? Doctor, monster, whatever! What’s up with that?
Adam Nothing. It feels good.
Phillip How much weight have you lost?
Adam Not that much, maybe ten pounds or …
Phillip I’d say more like fifteen.
Adam Yeah, maybe.
Phillip And the hair thing going, no glasses now …
Adam It’s just a few little …
Phillip Hey, it’s the ‘new you’. Plus, the nails. Jenny told me that, which is the one that I just cannot believe!
