That time, nothing seemed amiss despite the absurdity of what William told me. “That’s the truth, isn’t it?”
“My home life is very strange, but fortunately, I love it.”
“I’m almost tempted to hire her to help with training Alfred’s replacement. If the replacement can survive my wife, His Majesty will be set.”
It alarmed me that it seemed like Geoff spoke the truth.
I turned to Ian and begged, “Tell me a sane lie, please.”
“I am so jealous Melody got to you first, as I would be glad to marry you instead. I hate women, and I figure you’re a good catch.”
The unsettling feeling came back, and I scratched my head. “Thank you, I think, but I’m going to guess there’s a woman you love. I can’t tell if you’re lying about the part where you think I’m a good catch.”
“You are—for Melody. Not for me. We’d kill each other given three or four days outside of general friendship territory. Fire and water, we don’t get along too well—and your ice dislikes me.”
The unsettled feeling faded. “If my ice disliked you, I have a feeling you would’ve joined the asshole.”
“It disturbs me that he’s telling the truth,” William said.
“I’ll accept an odd friendship with the waveweaver with the iceweaving talent who gets delightfully upset when someone lies to him when his waveweaving talent is suppressed.”
Geoff patted my shoulder. “You will get used to His Highness of New York. I’m concerned he might scheme to visit you often. He needs to settle down and get married before he’s dubbed the heir.”
“Assuming Melody is okay with it, please come to Maine and hide.”
“What was that?” the princess in question demanded, bursting into the room. “What are you doing with Jack? Which one of you bastards is responsible for this… this travesty?”
I blinked and stared at her. “What travesty?”
“The one where you were not delivered to me immediately for a checkup.”
Ah. That travesty. I pointed at William before turning my finger to Geoff. I spent a moment thinking about it, and I pointed at everyone else before turning my finger on myself despite not being a player in the game.
William snickered. “Well played, Jack.”
“I like you, so I don’t want my future wife attempting to kill you.”
Alfred, at a more dignified pace, strode into the room. “I appreciate that, Jack. Please convince her you’re all right. She doesn’t believe me. Or anyone else.”
“I’m fine. Actually, I’m better than fine. Geoff just tried to electrocute me and failed. This makes me very happy.”
Melody frowned and shifted her gaze to Geoff. “Did you screw up?”
“No. He has some form of unidentified talent that grounded my talent. I have no idea what it is, though. Right now, we’re testing his illumination talent. I would like you to tell him things. Toss some lies in.”
“But I don’t want to lie to Jack.”
“I don’t want her to lie to me, either,” I confessed.
Geoff sighed, lifted his hand, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “We need to see if he’ll react if you lie to him, Your Royal Highness. Please tell some form of lie to him.”
“Can it be ridiculously obvious I’m lying to him?”
“Yes.”
Melody scowled, looking me over. “I bought His Royal Majesty of Montana for a dollar from his wife, who wants to never see him again because he’s the spawn of the devil.”
William grimaced, as did I. The statement triggered a skull-splitting headache, and the thought of Montana’s queen hating her husband was so wrong I wanted to go find the nearest bathroom and throw up.
“Two for one special on that one, although I’m concerned over how queasy you look, Jack.”
“I’m willing to bet his waveweaving talent overwhelms the illumination talent. He’s a sensor with his waveweaving, too—and he’s constantly analyzing substances. So when someone lies to him, he’s likely missing the signals because he’s already filtering out things that don’t feel quite right,” Geoff said. “Jessica? What do you think?”
“I think you’re right. Sensors have a hard time, and I could easily see how a fledgling truth seeing talent would get lost in the noise. And if he’s a sensor for more than one thing, he probably does have a latent empathy talent, which would explain why he’s been upset during the testing.” Queen Jessica of Texas engaged Melody in a stare down. “We weren’t doing anything nefarious to him, but we do need to evaluate his talents, and you being short tempered is making it so he’s short tempered during his evaluation, so calm yourself.”
Melody gulped. “I’m sorry.”
Jessica relaxed, smiled, and to my shock, she dropped a kiss on Melody’s forehead. “We weren’t doing anything nefarious with him, sweetheart. Go check him over with your talent, reassure yourself, and watch while we finish the testing. We’ll have to figure out if you’re the one developing the empathy talent or if he is, but you’re definitely projecting. Lord knows I’ve been dealing with it ever since I found my Pat. You don’t want to overwhelm him, especially since he’s wearing my suppressors.”
William muttered a curse. “That’s right. Geoff? Call in for someone to bring Jessica’s spares. I completely forgot.”
Geoff stepped to the door with Alfred close behind, speaking to someone with his hand lifted to his ear. It surprised me the RPS agents were willing to leave us unsupervised, as they stepped into the hallway and out of sight.
“They really left.”
Melody laughed, stepped to me, and cupped my cheek in her hand. Before I could stop myself, I leaned into her touch. Since I’d already made a fool of myself, I decided against moving. “I’m the weakest link here, and I don’t think anyone wants to test your willingness to do whatever is necessary to protect me right now. And while Ian likes stirring up trouble for fun, Jessica would spank him, then William would get upset he’d have to mitigate between New York and Texas, then it would become an even bigger mess, so everyone will behave because that’s no fun. We’ll keep our competitive spirits to sports. It’s safer that way—and a great deal less stressful.”
Everyone else in the room shrugged in ready acceptance of Melody’s claim. I decided I’d just not worry about it. “Am I healthy enough?”
“I’m not sure. I think I should take you to my suite and lock you there until further notice.”
I had no problems with that. “Does this trip to your suite include physical therapy?”
“Yes.”
I considered the gathered royals, and I determined as it was William’s castle, I’d deal with him first. “I don’t care what other talents I have. I have a physical therapy session to attend, which is far more important. Far more important.” To make it clear I meant business, I repeated myself a final time to impress upon him just how I felt about attending a physical therapy session with Melody.
William held up his hands in surrender. “I’m not going to get in the way of a new couple wanting to engage in physical therapy. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not that crazy.”
It amused me that the man told the truth. “How do I turn off this truth stuff?”
“I’m going to guess you’ll have to take the specialized suppressors off. Perhaps you can convince your doctor to remove them following your physical therapy sessions. Try not to exhaust him too badly, Melody.”
“I plan on exhausting him so terribly he won’t have the energy to leave my suite for at least a week.”
“I’ll see you next week then,” William said, and he headed to the door, giving my shoulder a companionable slap on the way. “If you need help, just ask for Mackenzie. She’s good at launching rescue missions. For some reason, I don’t expect you’ll appreciate any rescue attempts.”
“I am not in need of rescue.”
“I thought not. I’m going to tell my wife she can plan whatever she wants for your wedding, and that you two will be too b
usy to worry about it. Maybe that will get the crying to finally stop.”
I wished William well on that score. For some reason, I doubted there was any man capable of winning the war he sought to wage.
Pregnancy hormones obeyed no man.
Epilogue
The next time Montana’s monarchs became tangled with my life, I would remember neither were reasonable human beings. I had no idea how it was even possible for anyone to plan an elaborate wedding—an oceanic themed wedding—in the matter of a week, but somehow, the pair had done it. From seashell-decorated tables to a coral aquarium home for countless tropical fish, Montana showcased everything I loved about the ocean, even when it was at its stormiest. I assumed an illuminist was responsible for the illusory floor, which rotated through calm seas to raging white-capped storms.
The guest list involved representatives from every kingdom in the Royal States and many abroad, including the Turkish king, who looked nothing like the Ekrem I remembered but sounded an awful lot like him. Sparrow, who I decided was the true star of the show, witnessed the entire wedding and reception from the comfort of my shoulder. Mr. Asshole kept Melody company, although we both expected to say goodbye to the old animal within a few days.
According to the animal empaths, he’d had the time of his life out in the wilds with us, but his time with Melody was coming to a close, and it was time to let him go.
I suspected the wedding, and the secret honeymoon to happen soon, were ways to help Melody cope with her impending loss. I had no idea how to help her get through the next few days, but I would do what I could.
She’d gotten through the vows without crying, but every time someone asked about her old cat, she teetered on the brink. I wasn’t sure if putting Sparrow on her shoulder would help or harm, but I did it anyway.
My kitten did her job well, making my new wife smile despite everything.
Then I let her continue her conversation with a Californian prince, a man our age who looked liked he wanted someone to rescue him from being royalty.
The Turkish king chose that moment to pounce, and he came armed with a pair of white kittens, one with an orange tail, and one with a black tail. I knew what would happen when a monarch brought kittens to me, but I wasn’t sure I could resist the lure of the bright-eyed, long-furred beasts.
Their mews undid me, as did their tiny reaching paws.
Hook, line, and sinker, I went for the bait and angled for the white kitten with the orange tail, lifting it up and giving its little nose a kiss. “I have a severe problem with kittens.”
“Some problems are good to have. I am sorry for your wife’s old friend, so I asked for someone to retrieve two kittens from different bloodlines, one for her, one for you. It will not be the same, but it will help the wounds of a lost friend heal a little easier. I have also made arrangements for the rest of her pets to arrive today. They are in your suite, waiting for their lady to see them. I felt they would do her almost as much good as a new addition or two into her home. I have also brought an animal empath who is particularly skilled with easing the way for a beloved friend’s final journey. It is a small condolence, but he will slip into a gentle sleep filled with pleasant dreams.”
I doubted there was anything more Melody wanted for Mr. Asshole. “Thank you. I don’t know what to call you. Ekrem?”
“You may. It is part of my name, usually reserved for those in my inner circle. I believe you’ve earned a place there. You are looking well.”
Like Sparrow, the orange-tailed kitten found my shoulder to be an acceptable throne. “What are their names?”
“Neither have names, for I have been warned that you will not name them to suit their place in your lives should they come with names. You and your wife will enjoy the naming of them, but I have a list of Turkish names and their meanings if you would like to keep a part of their heritage with them.”
I chuckled, took the second kitten from him, and gave it the same attention I’d given the first. “Can you at least tell me if they are boy kittens or girl kittens?”
“The one with the orange tail is a girl, and the one with a black tail is a boy. They are the start of a whole new line of their breed. Few in the Royal States have a cat of their breed. You call them Turkish Vans. It has been many years since our people have gifted any of our beloved. I hope this helps resolve certain matters.”
I laughed at that, as those certain matters had, much to the disgust of everyone, truly worked out for the best—even for Alfred. Life had a tendency to give and take, and Alfred would be a grandfather a few months down the road.
I doubted the former RPS agent at all minded being able to be a present part of his future grandchild’s life.
Checking on my wife revealed she was deep in a debate on California’s immigration policies, which involved criticism that the entrance exams were tougher than most university finals. While she was distracted, I claimed Sparrow, handed her over to Ekrem, and arranged our new kittens on my bride’s shoulders.
Melody blinked, turning her head. The boy with the black tail pounced her nose, mewling while doing his best to mark his territory with his tiny face.
“His Royal Majesty of Turkey is giving us two Turkish Van kittens. Apparently, we’re going to be blubbering messes and need two kittens to remind us how to be happy again. Also, Misery, Marauder, Pretty Baby, and Mooch are in our suite waiting to see you.”
With our kittens riding her shoulder, Melody scooped up Mr. Asshole and marched for the exit of the grand hall, the largest room in Montana’s castle. I scratched my cheek, wondering if the bride was supposed to bolt from the reception so early into the night. At least she hadn’t taken Sparrow, and I claimed my kitten from Ekrem. She climbed onto my shoulder where she belonged.
“Most men would be offended their new bride just took off, but you just look a little confused and possibly resigned,” the California prince said, holding out his hand. “You probably can’t remember me in the blur of introductions. I’m Ethan. If you ever need an ear about how much of a pain being a royal is, feel free to give me a call. It’s good to vent, as we have a hard job.”
I clasped Ethan’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“We all know about Mr. Asshole, but I’m really impressed Melody’s holding together so well. Wedding days tend to be emotional roller coasters. Melody might be the first royal bride in a while to make it through without bursting into tears. Once the bride starts crying, everyone starts crying. It’s horrifying.” Ethan leaned close and whispered into my ear, “The last time, I started crying, too.”
According to my budding truth seeing talent, which was having a field day at the small talk full of white lies, the man wasn’t lying. “What happened?”
“The groom happened to be one of the best men I know, and well, the bride started crying because she didn’t know how to handle so much going on at one time, which alarmed him so much he shifted. He shifts into a rather large white and silver turkey, so I started laughing, and it just went downhill from there. Next thing I knew, I was blubbering like everyone else in the audience. It was a beautiful disaster. Her Royal Highness of Illinois was excused for crying, though. Nobody smart makes fun of pregnant women for crying. Nobody. A piece of advice, if I may. Never anger the pregnant women.”
“Is everyone in the Royal States pregnant?” I whispered back.
“There are a few holding out, but the number of married men without kids is dwindling rapidly.”
“And what’s your status?”
“On the prowl, and when the woman of my dreams finds out, she may bust my balls, but she’ll be worth it.”
Any woman who could bust the balls of an egotistical prince was worth knowing, and I’d learned all princes were egotistical in some fashion or another. “Who?”
Ethan nodded in Ian’s general direction, who was talking with William and Melody’s father. “His sister, and neither one of them know it yet. I caught her watching from the sidelines of my friend
’s wedding, and I’ve been keeping a very close eye on her. It’s now time to make my move before New York gets serious about taking her back.”
“Doesn’t he have a lot of sisters?”
“I’m after the only good sister of the lot. Just trust me on that one. New York’s princesses are generally terrifying creatures.”
That didn’t help me figure out which princess Ethan meant, but I figured I’d find out soon enough. “Send us a wedding invite.”
“Assuming I can convince her I’m worthy of her, I will. Also, thank you for not laughing at me for wanting a New York princess.”
“The heart wants what the heart wants. Mine wanted a Maine princess. I guess yours wants a New Yorker. I will wish you the best of luck. You’re going to need it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to chase Melody down and make sure she’s all right.”
Ekrem eased over and said, “I will send the animal empath over for an introduction, and until your bride is ready, he will take over her friend’s care. You’ll find him a capable vet.”
I doubted I’d ever understand the old man who could be so ruthless yet kind at the same time. “Thank you, Your Majesty.”
There was nothing else I could say.
A week after we said our final goodbye to Mr. Asshole, His Royal Majesty of Canada proved he was a terrible, terrible man. After conspiring with Melody’s father and the traitor monarchs from Montana, he dumped me, my wife, and our entire herd of cats at a log cabin in a place so remote it was impossible to reach by anything other than bush plane. A light snow fell around us, which seemed to please the man.
“You two have a good time. Use the satellite radio in the cabin if you really need some help, but I think you two can figure everything out just fine on your own.” He skipped back to the plane that would take him back to civilization.
I had no idea why we’d been dumped without even a single RPS agent, but I was torn between appreciating some alone time with my new wife and furious I’d have to work on what was supposed to be our honeymoon.
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