‘Is that what you’re worried about? That I’d want to go over there and join up like you did?’ Juliet’s voice was accusing.
‘I’m sorry to say, that’s exactly what I’d be fearful of. That’s the truth of it, Juliet. As a doctor – or even as an unqualified medical student – you’d be ideal fodder for the British war effort.’
‘Why are you more worried about me than about James? Supposing he wants to go to war?’
‘James is sensible. He’ll settle down here in Dunderrig and take over from me when the time’s right. You, on the other hand, are just flighty and impetuous enough to do something daft.’
‘Solange worked as a nurse in the war. You didn’t think that was daft.’
‘That was different. It was her own country that needed her. That mess in Europe is nothing to do with us. We’ve had more than enough bloodshed and violence in this country. What I witnessed the last time, there aren’t words to describe the horror of it all. I went because it seemed like something interesting. I thought that I could make a difference. In the end, no one could do anything to alleviate the savagery. We just patched them up as best we could. The few we sent home were broken men. Most were sent back to the front and within days a shell or a sniper finished them off. They were the lucky ones in lots of ways. The way they were treated when they got back – by the empire they destroyed their lives to save – was almost worse than the war. I will not have England use my children to fight their war. They are a lying, duplicitous nation who exploit others and then dispose of them once they have sucked them white.’
Juliet had never seen her father so moved in her life. His usual mild manner was gone as bitterness and raw anger dripped from every word.
‘But…but that’s not fair!’ she stuttered. ‘You’re angry with England and because of that I can’t study to be a doctor. That’s just ridiculous and if you thought about it for even one second, you’d see how hypocritical you are being!’
‘Juliet!’ Richard was roaring now, his fingers white as they gripped the kitchen table. ‘You are not going to study medicine and that’s all I have to say on the matter.’
Sobbing, Juliet ran from the room. She stormed up to her bedroom and slammed the door. Screaming in frustration into her pillow, she wept bitter tears at the unfairness of it all.
She ignored the gentle knocking on the door twenty minutes later. If it was her father, she couldn’t bear to look at him, let alone listen to another of his stupid reasons why he was killing her dream. Eventually, she looked up as the door opened to reveal Solange. The French woman came in and sat on the edge of the bed.
‘Ma chère, I know you are angry and upset mais s’il te plaît, explique-moi, why you do want to study medicine so badly? You must admit you were not a studious girl in the convent, and you never wanted to help your Papa in the surgery, so you must understand why we are all a little confused.’
Never, apart from the doomed visit to Dublin, had Juliet lied to Solange. Blowing her nose on the handkerchief Solange offered her, she tried to compose herself and replied in French.
‘I just want a life, Solange. I know you all love Dunderrig, and so do I, but I want more. I want to see the world, meet interesting people, have adventures. I don’t want to stay here and have babies and be nobody. I want to be somebody and by going to university and studying, I just might have a chance of doing that. Medicine seemed the best choice because all the other courses are for women’s jobs – teaching, nursing, librarian – and from where I see it, that’s only delaying the inevitable. Marriage, children, the whole, boring pointless lot of it. Daddy as good as said just forget it, find a husband and settle down here. It feels like a death sentence, honestly it does.’
Solange rubbed Juliet’s back, smiling that the girl’s French never faltered despite her distress.
‘My darling,’ she began. ‘Your papa loves you so much. He is so afraid of something happening to you. We are damaged, he and I, by what we saw when we were just your age. He just wants to protect you.’
‘But Solange, don’t you see? I can’t live my life through the lens of yours or Daddy’s life. Can’t either of you understand that? I need to live my own life, have my own experiences.’
‘Of course I understand that, darling, of course I do. You are special and brave and fiery and you are hungry for the world, and that is how it should be. Please have patience, we can work something out. I know we can. Now, another thing, what is the matter between you and James? Never have I seen this atmosphere between you. And please don’t say it is nothing. There is something.’ Solange looked deeply into Juliet’s eyes.
‘I can’t tell you,’ replied the girl, lowering her gaze. ‘I wish I could, but please trust me, I really can’t. Don’t worry, we aren’t in any kind of trouble or anything it’s just… We’ll work it out, I suppose.’
Solange sighed. It was so unusual that the twins were anything but totally united, and even stranger that Juliet wouldn’t tell her what was the cause of the problem. James had been equally reticent when she’d tackled him about it. Richard and Mrs Canty seemed not to know anything.
Solange would never encourage Juliet to defy her father although she could understand her frustration. Her father loved her, but he was allowing his fear that she would end up in Europe as he did, cloud everything. In his eyes, women were gentle creatures that needed protection: in childhood, by their fathers, and as adults by their husbands. It was that kind of thinking that had moved him to bring Solange to Dunderrig in the first place. She would always be grateful to him for giving her a home when her future looked so bleak and empty, but she knew Juliet was not going to be happy with just that. Now she was at a loss; she loved the twins as much as – if not more – any natural mother would have done and she genuinely liked and admired Richard, but she just didn’t know how best to proceed with this issue.
Solange believed Juliet was right to fight to live her life in her own way. As she had suspected, the girl was not filled with a burning desire to be a doctor – just to find a way out into the wider world. Perhaps Juliet had imagined that if Richard was likely to let her study anything, it would be medicine, given his genuine dedication to his patients. If so, she had judged wrongly. Richard knew the reality of practicing medicine, both as a country general practitioner and in the theatre of war. Given how things were heating up in Europe, Richard would never in a million years give his consent to anything that could potentially bring either of his children anywhere close to a battlefield. Solange agreed with Richard’s perception that James would never volunteer; it wouldn’t be in him. James loved Dunderrig and the tranquillity of nature. Juliet, however, was another story. Perhaps Richard was right.
THE MONTHS PASSED AND Juliet found herself spending more and more time with Danny. He was nice, funny, and kind, and it was good to have someone to talk to now that James wasn’t around. He was into farming, his uncle was leaving him plenty of land, and she knew that one day he hoped that she would be part of that plan. In the way of Dunderrig, her name was finally up with his and as far as the village was concerned, it was only a matter of time until the ring was produced.
Solange knew that Danny wasn’t right for Juliet. He was a nice boy, but he had no spark, no passion. She tried to bring up the subject several times, but it seemed as all the fight was gone out of Juliet – she was listless and didn’t want to discuss her future. The resentment Juliet felt towards her father still burned. Yet, Solange couldn’t disagree with Richard. Everything he’d said about his daughter studying medicine was right. She wasn’t academic, she didn’t want to take over the practice, and she was only doing it as a means of escaping from home. Solange had suggested several other options – different courses of study – but Juliet had declined everything, claiming she was happy enough.
The Christmas of 1938 was snowy. James had written to say he was taking the train up from Cork to Dublin to spend it with friends. Richard and Solange were disappointed but at
least he had promised to be home for the New Year. As Richard and Solange were discussing it with Mrs Canty, and deciding on two turkeys – one for Christmas and the other for the New Year, Juliet came in the back door with Danny in tow.
‘Ah ye smelled the cake, did ye?’ Mrs Canty chuckled as they stamped the snow from their boots. She had remained sceptical of the mental strength of the Daltons in general, but she had warmed to Danny, admitting he was a ‘pleasant enough’ lad and that he was ‘cracked’ about Juliet and would do anything for her.
‘All the way from the gate. Is it ready to eat?’ Juliet sniffed the air appreciatively, hovering over Mrs Canty’s fresh baking, which was cooling on wire racks.
‘Well?’ Danny said urgently to Juliet. ‘Are you going to tell them or will I?’
‘Well, since you’re obviously going to explode if you don’t get it out, you’d better tell them yourself,’ Juliet said dryly.
Solange looked up in surprise, a touch of anxiety in her heart.
‘Tell us what?’ Richard asked, smiling.
‘We’re getting married! Juliet has agreed to become my wife! I know I should have asked your permission first, Dr Buckley, but it was a spur of the moment thing. I’ll be getting the ring the minute the shops open after Christmas – that is if you agree, of course.’
He looked so eager and hopeful it was impossible for Solange not to feel kind towards him, despite her doubts. Richard was gazing in surprise at his beautiful daughter, seemingly rendered speechless.
‘Well, Daddy, aren’t you going to congratulate me?’ Juliet’s voice was resigned – sad, somehow. Unlike Danny, she didn’t seem like someone who’d just got engaged to the love of her life.
‘If marrying Danny is what you want, then of course I wish you both all the happiness in the world – we all do. Don’t we, Solange?’
Solange knew she’d have to tread very carefully. They’d interfered with Juliet’s wishes and this is where it had got them, watching their darling girl promise herself to a nice enough boy – just not someone worthy of her. It seemed that they had managed to convince her that this was the best that life had in store for her. Yet to refuse their blessing at this stage would only harden her determination to see it through.
‘Bien sûr, ma petite fille, bien sûr. Félicitations! When is the big day or have you not decided yet?’ Solange asked, deliberately light but praying fervently there was no date set.
‘Well, I’ll have the hay saved by the middle of August if we get the weather, and then there’s a bit of a rest before the harvest in September so maybe, the end of August?’ Danny looked at Juliet for confirmation.
‘That’s fine.’ She was smiling. ‘We’d better get down to Father O’Brien and get the banns read so, in case Mrs Kelly and the rest of them think it’s a shotgun job.’
‘Juliet Buckley, you divil! You’ll be the death of me so you will with your going on. Come here till I give you a hug – our Juliet, a married woman! Can you believe it, Solange?’ Mrs Canty was buoyant.
‘No indeed, Mrs Canty, it will be hard to get used to. Still, we have some time yet before the big day. Lots to prepare. Juliet will be the most beautiful bride Dunderrig has ever seen.’ Solange tried to infuse her words with excitement and enthusiasm. A glance from Juliet told her that while the others in the room were fooled by her feigned exuberance, the bride-to-be was not.
Later that evening, after Danny had left to do the milking, Solange tapped gently on Juliet’s bedroom door.
‘Ce n’est que moi…’ she spoke gently. Juliet looked up from the book she was reading.
‘Oh Solange, please don’t start. I know what you’re going to say but please don’t. I’m going to marry Danny, he’s nice and funny and kind and all the things a husband should be. James is gone, off doing his studies though he hates it. You do know that, don’t you? So probably Daddy was right about me at least. James was always much better at studying than me, and he can’t make head or tail of all those books, so what hope would I have had? And as for chopping up bits of dead people to find out what killed them, can you really see me doing that? I know you think I don’t love him, but not everyone gets a big passion like you had with Jeremy. Look at Daddy and Edith, what a disaster that was. Danny is solid and reliable, he’s mad about me, and I’ll have a good life with him. This way, I get to stay in Dunderrig and be close to you all. I always thought, somehow, I’d end up living out my days with James but of course that was childish nonsense and now we’ve both grown up and have to find our own companions.’
Solange put her arms around Juliet. Clearly, Juliet’s decision to marry Danny had been motivated by James’s detachment from his twin. It was going to happen sometime, the twins couldn’t live their lives in each others’ pockets as they had as children, but Solange wished she could convince Juliet she was making a mistake.
Chapter 16
James doodled a camellia on the corner of his notebook. His fellow second-year medical students were deeply engrossed in the lesson being delivered but as usual he just couldn’t concentrate. He was only back at college a week but already he was in deep despair. From the window in the corner of the lecture hall, he could see the sycamores and horse chestnut trees that surrounded the quadrangle of the old university; they were beginning to take on their autumnal colours. The limestone buildings with their leaded glass windows always delighted him for sheer aesthetic beauty. The sky was clear blue and the air was crisp. He thought of how Dunderrig would be looking now.
‘Excuse me, Mr Buckley, once again I hate to interrupt your reverie with a trifle – but do you think that you could explain to the class the early indicators of duodenal cancer or are you too busy drawing. What is it today?’ The professor picked up James’s notebook. ‘Ah yes, flowers. You will find an intricate knowledge of all matters floral tremendously beneficial when studying medicine. You can simply say to your patient, oh, I’m sorry, Mrs Murphy, I don’t know what on earth is wrong with you but here is a beautiful picture of a lily. Cheerio, now!’
The class tittered nervously. Professor Sheehan’s acerbic tongue could land on anyone of them just as easily, though he did seem to have taken rather a dislike to James. Possibly, the boy’s complete lack of ability to focus on the professor’s terminology-dense monologue was the cause of his aversion.
‘It’s a camellia, actually,’ James muttered, knowing his reaction was childish.
The professor puffed up like a bullfrog. This was not how his classes worked. He talked and if he felt like it, he could ridicule a student, but under no circumstances should that student have the audacity to answer back. The look he gave James made the boy realise that he had finally sealed his already precarious fate.
JAMES WALKED FORLORNLY out of the college and down towards Cork bus station. A group of young students passed him by, laughing and joking with each other, and he wished he could be as happy and carefree as them. But it was no good. No matter how much he tried, and he felt he really did try, he just couldn’t do it. He’d just about scraped through the first year, with disappointingly low grades. He remembered his father’s words to him when he returned home with a miserable pass, ‘Not to worry, son, a lot of fellows I trained with didn’t do wonderfully in their first year. Jeremy barely scraped through, and he turned out to be a magnificent doctor – too busy socialising and entertaining the ladies, no doubt. Just get the head down next year and you’ll do fine.’
The thing was, the reason James hadn’t done well wasn’t because he was having too good a time – he wasn’t. It was just that he couldn’t stop himself during lectures from drifting off into a world of his own, imagining colours, light and shapes, instead of paying attention to the intricacies of science, which bored him rigid. The only thing he was good at was the diagrams and drawings of various body parts. In the practical classes, he struggled not to vomit as his fellow students dissected organs with relish and fascination.
He knew he should tell his father the tr
uth before someone else did. He just didn’t have what it took to be a doctor. There was no way that Professor Sheehan was going to let him finish the second year. He had made it clear that James was no doctor, and today’s performance had surely confirmed his opinion. There was no point carrying on with this façade.
He hated the idea of disappointing his father – he felt guilty enough already about lying to him about Edith and Otto. He’d tried many times to confess that he was back in touch with his mother, but he could never find the right words. All he’d ever wanted to do was to please everyone: his father, Solange, his mother…Juliet. But in the end, he ended up not pleasing anyone, not even himself.
Perhaps everyone would be so caught up with the arrangements for Juliet’s wedding that they wouldn’t take the news too badly. He still couldn’t believe Juliet was going to marry Danny Dalton. Danny was okay, a good laugh and all that, but for her to marry him…well, that seemed a bit mad. He would have liked to ask her if she was sure she was doing the right thing, ask her what she saw in Danny. But they weren’t that close anymore. She’d probably just snap at him to mind his own business. Juliet just couldn’t forgive him for having anything to do with Edith, which was so stupid – it wasn’t like he was asking her to be best friends with their mother. The last conversation they’d had about Edith was over a year ago now. Juliet had accused him of drawing her into his lies. She knew Edith was in James’s life, but she couldn’t tell anyone and didn’t approve. She was so angry and bitter; he had never seen her like that before. Going through all this without her was even more awful. Before, when either of them had a problem, or needed to talk something through, the other was always there with a plan or a distraction to redirect the wrath of Solange or their father. Since before he could remember, he and Juliet had been a team. This time, James felt totally alone.
Jean Grainger Box Set: So Much Owed, Shadow of a Century, Under Heaven's Shining Stars Page 13
