Girls Like Me

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Girls Like Me Page 11

by Lola StVil

Step on bits of

  Me

  How Could I Think

  People okay with me w/Blake?

  Come back, little piglet

  Playtime is over

  Dealing

  Gorged Gooey Greasy Grub

  Gonna Get Gargantuan Gut

  G O O D

  There Was a War

  I fought it and lost

  Enemy sought win

  At any cost

  Inhaled burger bombs

  Rapid-fire desserts

  Promise to love me

  Till it no longer hurts

  Enemy used propaganda

  Everything’s a lie

  Hurt returns

  With the last slice of pie

  Salad. Brown rice. Fruit plate.

  I could say I win

  But I lack will

  Yet again

  Enemy grins

  Its smile greasy

  It chuckles

  “This is too easy”

  It won’t make the news

  Channel two, five, or four

  But here on this very spot

  There once was a war

  It seems

  In the end

  Even tears will run out

  On you

  A Question

  Invades mind like termites

  Running inside skull

  Eating away all remaining sanity

  Does. He. Know. About. Website?

  ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  notall2gether: You there?

  Godotwait4me: Yeah, just got home.

  notall2gether: Did you know?

  Godotwait4me: Know what?

  notall2gether: About the website

  Godotwait4me: . . .

  notall2gether: Don’t send me any damn dots. ANSWER ME

  Godotwait4me: Yeah, I heard about it

  notall2gether: Why didn’t you tell me?

  Godotwait4me: I don’t tell you about every awful thing I hear. If there’s a three-car pileup with strangers, I won’t text you. Why ruin your day over something you can’t change?

  notall2gether: These aren’t strangers. They’re kids who hate me

  Godotwait4me: #$@* them. They don’t really know you

  notall2gether: It doesn’t matter. They want me dead. You knew and didn’t say anything

  Godotwait4me: I was protecting you. I didn’t want you to get hurt.

  notall2gether: Then you fail bc this hurts more than I can tell you.

  Godotwait4me: I’m sorry.

  notall2gether: Before we met only a few kids got on me. Now, I’m being terrorized by the whole school.

  Godotwait4me: Hey, they get on me too but I don’t care

  notall2gether: Who gets on you?

  Godotwait4me: It doesn’t matter. I just mean that I don’t let it get to me.

  notall2gether: Who is getting on you about being with me?

  Godotwait4me: Hudson. He didn’t invite me to his party. But so what?

  notall2gether: He’s your best friend

  Godotwait4me: Guess he wasn’t.

  notall2gether: Great, that’s just great. Now you’re losing your BFF? I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.

  [notall2gether has logged off]

  Godotwait4me: Shay? Shay?

  Will Not Allow

  Weeping

  Too much of that already

  Fall asleep dreaming

  Playing Monopoly

  “Dad, if you let me have ice cream for dinner, I

  won’t charge you when you land on my property”

  Next Day Am Late to Class

  Rush to locker

  Find note from him

  Heart Leaps Into

  Throat, hands won’t be still

  HE says:

  Know that “them” is

  “They” and “they”

  Don’t matter

  We can turn villagers to believers

  Raging voices to melodic song

  Flaming pitchforks to soft light

  Won’t open our doors, minds, hearts

  Won’t invite, entertain, tolerate

  Wicked ways

  We won’t. Let “them” in.

  Don’t Let Them

  We won’t. Let “them” in.

  Don’t Let Them

  Tell My Heart

  Don’t run to him

  This is best

  Godot Calls

  Emails, texts

  Won’t reply

  A Few Days Later

  I have ignored Godot

  Forty-two times

  It’s the Hardest Thing

  I’ve done

  Kelly Canyon Can’t

  Stop

  Smiling . . .

  News of Our Breakup Spreads

  Website posts party banner

  King Drops Pig!

  Yay! Yay! Yay!

  A Week Later

  Godot

  Texts: Ok. I’m Done

  And So He Is

  He makes no more attempts

  Boots Is Irate

  Since learning about site

  She tried

  To escape hospital

  To confront

  Kelly Canyon

  Orderlies

  And guards had to

  Hold her back

  She Spits Words

  Only formed by

  Tattooed truckers

  In bad film

  If Dash

  Were here

  He’d find a way to

  Sparkle this situation

  Longing for Dash Gives Way

  To anger

  Target:

  Dash’s dad

  Fury propels

  Me to Dash’s

  Home

  Boots texts me:

  Sent you backup

  Got to Dash’s house. Found backup warring with himself.

  “Hi, Sam”

  “H-h-hey”

  He looked like child on a dare

  Stay the night in the haunted house

  Dash’s Dad Opens Door

  I shoot Word Bullets

  “How Dare You?”

  Words make contact

  With his chest

  “She Just Wants to Know Why You Sent Dash Away”

  The backup tries to repair damage

  “You Are His Dad. Your Job Is to Love Him,” I Shoot Again

  He stands still

  Fearing more will come

  He is right

  “It Doesn’t Matter”

  If he’s gay

  If he’s a fat left-handed

  Alien

  He Clears His Throat in a Dad-Like Manner

  “My son is lost. I am helping him find his way back.”

  The scared kid takes deep breath approaches monster

  “Mr. Montgomery, the first time you liked a girl, you knew because

  Hands sweat. Mouth dries. Heart pounds.”

  “So what?” the monster roars

  “So, when a boy likes a boy

  Hands sweat. Mouth dries. Heart pounds.

  It’s the same thing,” Sam pleads

  The Monster Doesn’t Agree

  “It’s not natural,” it says.

  My Backup Needed Backup

  “My dad is gone

  I GET NO MORE

  Stern talks. Pep talks. Boy talks.

  I will never be

  Hugged again. Held again. Loved again.

  It hurts . . .

  When I wake

  It hurts . . .

  When I sleep

  Dad’s absence

  Acid through heart

  Time eats away

  Memories

  Beg. Plead. Cry.

  Nothing brings him back

  I’m awake

  It hurts a
gain . . .

  Dash is feeling the same thing

  You are a dad

  You have one job

  Love your kid.

  Mr. Montgomery

  Do your damn job!”

  I stomp away

  Leave him with his shock

  And conscience

  Did I just . . . ?

  I yelled at Dash’s dad

  A grown man

  The size of a tree

  A Week Later, Halloween Dance Arrives

  I enter

  The gym’s been transformed

  From place where: I get teased

  To place where: I get teased

  While music plays

  The orange-and-black decorations

  Smoky room, creepy songs

  Make “fear” factor

  Just being among crowd

  Makes fear a factor

  (No need for the sound effects)

  I’m Surrounded By

  Parade of demons dressed as

  Nurses. Princesses. Kittens.

  While They’re Different Costumes

  They wear same mask

  They make same adjustment to attire

  Now each requires a seedy street corner

  To complete the look

  In Other Words

  They are all

  Slutty

  The Nurse. The Princess. The Kitten.

  All of Their Costumes Are

  Too short

  Too tight

  Too much

  The Guys Are All Dressed as Dogs

  Even with

  Varied costumes

  There’s

  Batman. Sherlock. Cops.

  Yet

  Trust me

  They are all

  Dogs

  They chase girls

  And bark

  I Go to the Dance Alone

  For the same reason

  Pretty blond girls in films

  Investigate strange noise in basement—

  I’m an idiot.

  Seriously, Why

  Go to this dance alone?

  Knowing I’m AT this dance alone

  And how the hell do I

  Dance

  Alone?

  Shay Summers, you promised

  You would come to dance

  To represent

  Others who could not be here

  Boots and Dash

  Dance for

  Them.

  Okay, Fine

  Will enter

  Dance

  Alone

  And

  Dance

  Alone

  What If

  Godot sees me?

  I will melt, like

  Crayons in microwave

  Butter in searing pan

  Wicked Witch and water

  No! I Will Not

  Hide from ex

  Will be brave

  Visible

  Stand my ground

  It Just So Happens My Ground

  Is near the wall, by the punch bowl

  Everyone in

  The in-crowd

  Stops to note

  That

  I am here

  Alone

  They

  Whisper. Sneer. Judge.

  I don’t care

  Will stand

  Here looking

  Unfazed. Uninterested. Unconcerned.

  About what THEY think

  Ha! Like “they” ever think

  They just form

  Mobs

  Attack

  Well, tonight: I won’t be chased off

  Tonight, I will stand

  Still

  For everyone who

  Ran away

  This is my

  Last stand

  Just me, the wall, and the grape-lime punch bowl

  There Was a Chance That I Could

  Have gone unseen

  A chance I could have gotten away with

  Very little scarring

  But, across the dance floor is

  Kelly and her Pointy Finger of Judgment

  She makes sure everyone

  Knows I’m here

  Alone

  I Don’t Believe in Violence

  But I don’t believe

  All life is precious

  I think Kelly

  Should be under bed of earth.

  She looks over

  To see if I have tears to

  Donate to her cause:

  “Drive Shay Mad” fund

  “Not Today, You Demon Spawn!”

  I shout in my head

  In real life, I

  Smile

  Yes, a smile

  Is all the

  She-beast is getting.

  I Never Thought I Would

  Feel this emotion at a dance

  But here it is: pride!

  “Okay, Maybe I Can Do This”

  I confirm to myself out loud

  Maybe I am stronger than they thought

  Maybe I am

  Stronger than

  I thought . . .

  I Start To

  Move to music

  Sip on punch

  Crunch on chips

  Look, I’m Fitting In!

  What???!!!!

  I Smile

  Not to prove anything to Kelly

  But because I am happy

  I’m at a Dance Alone and I Am Okay

  Shay Summers is

  Okay!!!

  “Shay, Hi”

  Godot says behind me

  I Want to Turn and Face Him

  My body has different plans

  Make a quick inquiry:

  Dear Arms and Legs,

  This is Shay Summers

  Where are you going?

  Dear Ms. Summers

  Our current destination is:

  Away.

  We are going away.

  I don’t remember

  Bursting past double doors of gym

  Guess I did

  As I am, now, outside dance

  Shay is outside

  While everyone is in

  So what else is new?

  Never Should Have

  Come

  Heading now where I

  Belong: Boots’s bedside

  At the hospital

  I fill her in on my

  Nightmare at the dance

  She scolds my frantic run

  For the door

  I bow my head

  And blame my legs

  We also lament

  Failure to bring

  Dash home

  Not Sure That’s All That Is Upsetting

  Boots. She is distant

  Helloooooooo?

  She snaps back to the present

  “Boots, out w/ it. What’s wrong?”

  “Shay, I’ve Been Dying for a Year”

  Should be easy now

  Her body

  Folds under weight

  Of fear

  Hold Her

  Till world ends

  Or till she is steady

  “It’s Okay to Be Afraid”

  We’re fifteen

  Uncertainty is

  Our right

  “Oh No! Runny Nose, Puffy Eyes: Very Un-Gaga, Ladies”

  Turn. Find

  Him there

  My

  Sparkle Dazzle Shiny

  DASH!!!

  Light Breaks Through

  Abyss of weeks gone by

  Nurses and doctors

  Run in wake of

  Our screams

  They scold. Use

  Words like

  Hospital and policy

  And other words

  We are too loud

  We bury him in questions

  Says his da
d

  Freed him this morning

  “And what about Jett?”

  “Heartbroken when I left, of course”

  Of course . . .

  He’s glowing

  There’ll definitely be emails

  “What made your dad change his mind?”

  “He’s scared of Shay

  And something about doing his job?”

  Dash asks what it meant

  I Smile

  And hug him again

  Today something is gonna get bedazzled

  “I need a condom”

  Boots declares to the room

  It’s weird. She used all English words.

  Yet . . . ????

  Dash has similar reaction

  “Um, come again?” he asks.

  Boots tries to sound casual

  She fails

  She looks around the room

  At everything. Everything but us

  We wait

  “I Want to Have Sex,” She Says Yet Again

  I want to feel something inside me

  Other than tumors

  I want to lie down for something

  Other than x-rays

  I want to lift my shirt for someone

  Other than my doctor

  I want to cry out from something

  Other than pain

  Both Dash and I Start Talking at Once

  We steal lines from after-school specials

  Like wait for the right guy

  Like wait till it’s special

  Like

  Wait till you’re in love

  “WAIT?”

  Boots counters using terminally ill logic

  Waiting is for people with time

  Dying girls only own now

  “Stop saying that!”

  Dash orders like teacher to bad student

  “Divas don’t die. You know what?

  We need a little Gloria.”

  NO!!!!

  We beg him

  But it is too late

  Cue Dash Montgomery’s theme song

  “At first I was afraid—”

  Boots Cuts Him Off Before the Chorus

  Don’t lie

  Thinking it will make me happy

  Don’t hide

  Truth thinking it won’t find me

  Don’t tell

  The dying girl she’ll be fine

  Thinking she’ll die slower

  I Hold Her Hand

  To my chest

  “No more talk of death”

  I plead

  She Confides in Us

  My Doctors are soldiers

  In the beginning I was World War II

  Now I am Vietnam

  Boots, It’s Okay If You Don’t See

  The love of your life coming for you

  I didn’t see Godot coming into my world

  But he did

  (Though it didn’t work out . . .)

  Dash didn’t think his dad would come around

  But he did

  Why, why can’t something AMAZING

  Happen for you too?

  You think I could find AMAZING?

  Despite herself, she smiles

  I can’t even find my way out of this bed

  Dash lights up

  Out of this bed? Honey, we can do much better than that

  This is bad . . .

  Dash announces

  We are going to CRASH Hudson’s after party!

  Like I said, this is bad.

 

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