by KK Bauer
She smiles. I want to rip it off of her face and throw it on the floor… then stomp on it a little. “AJ,” she begins. I forced her to call me AJ, anyone calling me Aubrey just seems wrong now. “Maybe the reason you are in a bad mood is because you miss him and us talking about him brings up feelings.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I don’t think so,” she quips.
“Fine, it brings up feelings, but not the kind you are thinking of. Kellan and I went through so much shit together, that is our bond. Tragedy and pain is our bond. So when we talk about him that is what I think of- the awful tragic things that happened to us. Hence the pissy mood.”
“There is nothing wrong with building a relationship out of that.”
“Yes there is! Because once the sorrow and everything dies down, so does the relationship. There won’t be anything left.” I’m talking with my arms, making enormous circles with them and exaggerating my motions.
“That is not true and you know it,” Liz snaps. She is starting to get irritated with my stubbornness. Finally some kind of emotion other than indifference. “You two had a connection before you were abducted, that counts for something. And what about those months after? It wasn’t all about the nightmares, or the pain. Your relationship grew into something amazing, and with or without all the shit that happened to you, you guys are meant to be together.” Her nostrils are flaring and she is gripping the armrests so hard I can hear the pleather grounding out its agony.
My mind refuses to listen to what she just said. So what if she is a doctor who went to school for this stuff? She doesn’t know shit. She’s said before that her specialty is not relationships, but PTSD. They are not the same thing and don’t coincide. I show my rebellion by glaring at her. Finally she growls and stands.
“This session is over. Get out.”
“What? But it’s only been twenty minutes!”
“I don’t care. I’m tired of arguing with you. You are so adamant to ruin what you have with him that you are throwing your whole life away.” Her lips are pursed together so tight the edges are white. Her hand that is pointing to the door is shaking.
“That makes no sense, Liz. I have my whole life ahead of me,” I retort.
“No, you naïve girl. Kellan is your life. Without him you will be that lonely, self loathing doormat you were before you met him. You need him to grow and be the woman you are supposed to be. Now get out.” She points to the door again and dismisses me with a turn of her head.
I stand there flabbergasted with my mouth unattractively open. I blink a few times before storming out of the office.
“Wait, Miss James. You need to schedule your next appointment!” The receptionist calls out to me as I flee the building. I flip her off and slam the door behind me, leaving behind what I know is the truth. I need Kellan.
24
Kellan
After seeing Aubrey, I decided to go back to Liz. I hadn’t gone since Aubrey left that day. There was so much to say, but no way to say it. We started with the easy stuff- school, baseball, and how I’m sleeping. When I tell her I’ve been sleeping like shit she nods like she is expecting that answer.
“And what about Aubrey?”
“What about her?” I know I came to talk about her, but when she brings her up it pisses me off. It should be on my time, not hers.
Liz shrugs and lets me interpret her cryptic question. I grimace and chew on my lower lip to think. “I don’t know. She’s apparently back with her ex-boyfriend. There’s nothing to say.”
Liz furrows her eyebrows together and tilts her head to the side. “What ex-boyfriend?”
I am surprised, I assume Aubrey would have told her about him. “Corey. He’s on the team with me. I saw her at a game two weeks ago and he came up to me and said they were getting back together. Then later that week Corey and I got bunked together during an away series and he called her and talked to her.” I didn’t have many words with Corey during that time, only that if he hurts her I will cut him to pieces. I also brought up the library and Cara and he blanched. He said she was trying to get with him but he wanted Aubrey instead. It doesn’t really add up but I let it slide. I’m just hoping he isn’t cheating on her, I want to believe that he didn’t before, but now it’s not looking so good for Corey.
“He actually talked to her?”
“Well, no, actually. He left her voicemails,” I trail off, confused that Liz is intrigued with this. “I’m sure Aubrey has already told you about him.”
“Yes she has, but…” She stops short. “Damn patient privacy laws,” she mutters.
“Liz, it’s been a month since I’ve talked to her. If she hasn’t made the effort to see me then it’s over.” I don’t want to admit that to myself, but it’s the truth.
“But have you made the effort?”
“Yes.” I don’t hesitate when I tell her. Even though it’s kind of a lie.
“I beg to differ. She told me that you texted her. A text, Kellan? Really? You need to fight for her, show her that you can be the solid person in her life. She needs it.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be that anymore.”
Liz rolls her eyes. “And I don’t want George Clooney,” she says sarcastically. “Do you know why she bolted?”
I sat there thoughtfully. “No.”
“Kellan,” she starts. She leans forward and continues, “Aubrey is fragile. Her cousin was her everything for a majority of her life, until one day it all came crashing down. It changed something inside of her. Her heart shattered and hadn’t been mended until you came along.”
“I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand why she would run off. I told her I loved her, wouldn’t that help her?”
“Not necessarily. Aubrey loved MJ, and for a long time the feeling was reciprocated. Aubrey was completely blindsided when MJ sided against her. So for years, Aubrey was alone. Until she met you. You took over the role of Aubrey’s best friend and confidante and it changed her. It worked for you guys, until the feelings grew and you knew you wanted to change what you had. So in a roundabout way, you blindsided Aubrey again. You reminded her of what happened with MJ.”
I scoff and roll my eyes. “My relationship with Aubrey was nothing like her and MJ’s.”
“What about their relationship before Cara came along? They did everything together, just like you two did. How is it so different? Aubrey’s poor little heart was afraid of being shattered again. She cut off the relationship with you before she could realize she loves you back. She thought that if she did that, the pain of losing you wouldn’t hurt as bad.”
“She wasn’t going to lose me, though,” I mutter. “Did she tell you all this?”
Liz shakes her head no. “She’s been coming every week. And she is an open book, I probably know more about her than her own mother or even herself.”
“So she loves me back?” Hope surges through my entire body.
“I think she does, though she won’t admit it. I don’t think she even knows herself. So remember what I said earlier about fighting for her? She needs you to fight for her. Do what MJ never did and prove that you love her and don’t want to be without her.”
I don’t even say thank you or goodbye. I run out of the office and down the hallway. Once I reach the waiting room and speed through it the receptionist groans and says, “Not again!”
I jump into my car and put it in drive before I even have my seatbelt on. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her so I slow the fuck down so I have time to think about it on the drive. Before I can sort out my mess of a brain, my phone chimes from my back jean pocket.
“Hello?”
“Mr. McCabe? This is Commissioner Harrison from the police department. I have some great news. Carlos Esperanza and AndresRuiz are in custody and are being compliant.”
“What does that mean?” I’m supposed to know what that means?
“It means they will be in prison for a long time.”
“Oh my God, than
k you,” I breathe out. I wish Aubrey was with me right now. “Wait, have you told Aubrey yet?”
“Miss James? Not yet, sir. She is next on the list to call.”
“Can I tell her? Please?”
I can sense his hesitancy through the receiver. “I would feel more comfortable if I-“
“Please!” I demand.
“Alright, okay. Don’t make me regret this, young man. I’ll keep in touch in case anything changes, but more than likely you two won’t need to be present at the court hearing. I’ll have one of my deputies mail you the information on the court procedures in case you do want to be present. Take care, son.” He hangs up before I can respond. I am giddy with anticipation. I might explode if I get stimulated with anything else. My toes are twitching inside of my sneakers and my fingers are drumming on the steering wheel.
I pull up to Aubrey’s house and let out a huge breath. I slowly make my way to the door and knock. A few seconds go by and I knock again. I risk looking like a stalker and I peek through the windows. It looks like she isn’t home. Of course.
I head straight to the library. These last few weeks have been great for my senior project. I am almost done and I still have a little less than a month left to tweak it. I manage to make some work of it, but I’m so distracted I am finding myself doing the same thing over and over again.
After a few hours of half-ass work, I head back to Aubrey’s. Her living room light is on and her car is in the driveway. I feel like a moron for not noticing it was gone the first time. I knock and wait. The door swings open and the smell of spaghetti sauce pours out of the house. She is in a black sundress and barefoot. Her bangs are pulled back from her face with bobby pins and she is sans makeup except for mascara. She is breathtaking.
“Kellan,” she gasps. Her chest rises and falls quickly and her delicate hand reaches up to calm her heart.
“Aubrey. I have something to tell you,” I blurt out.
“Um, okay, come in. I’m making dinner. You hungry?” She steps to the side and lets me in. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless right here but refrain from it because it would scare the shit out of her. She walks into the kitchen and I follow. She stirs the boiling pot of pasta and turns with the wooden spoon still in her hand. The scalding water drips down onto her wrist and she hisses in pain.
She sets the spoon down and picks up another, stirring the meat sauce. She licks the sauce covered spoon and nods.
“So what did you need?” You.
“You might want to step away from the stove for this one. Here, take a seat.” I pull out a chair from the kitchen set she has tucked away in the corner. She sits cautiously and waits for me to continue.
“Okay. I got a call from the police today,” I say calmly.
“You what?!” She stands and her hand flies to cover her mouth. I can see fear in her eyes, she thinks this is bad news. I grab her shoulders and shove her back down.
“They are in custody, Aub.”
She stares at me and doesn’t move. I repeat myself, thinking she didn’t hear me the first time. She visibly swallows and finally breaks our gaze, her eyes searching the floor like it holds answers. I was expecting her to jump into my arms and be ecstatic so this tranquil and thoughtful Aubrey is somewhat startling me.
“Did you hear me?”
She nods, barely. After seconds, minutes, I don’t know, her chin starts to tremble. She bites down on her bottom lip to stop it but the tears begin flowing freely. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and sniffs back a sob.
I’m still fucking confused about her reaction so I stand there and wait it out.
Her body stops shaking and she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. She bolts out of the chair and walks past me without a word.
“Aubrey-“
“I have to call my mom.” She picks her phone up off of the coffee table but drops it. Her hands are so unsteady. When the voicemail picks up she mutters a quick “dammit” and tosses it onto the couch. Her hands are on her hips and she is staring at the water bottle sitting on the table. I slowly saunter to her and when I’m but inches away from her she looks up.
Her bright blue eyes capture me and swallow me whole. I am still so much in love with her I can’t take another rejection. I suddenly don’t want to be here anymore, expecting just that. But like the masochist I am, I can’t be this close to her and not kiss her.
Before she can pull away I hold her cheeks and barely touch my lips with hers. I can feel it everywhere in my body so I do it again, and again, afraid this will be the last time. I cling her to me and desperately refuse to let go. By now she is reciprocating and I begin to scoop her up but hesitate. I can hear something sputtering and hissing from the kitchen.
Aubrey pulls back and says, “Shit, the pasta.” She wiggles from my embrace and runs out of the room. I am cemented to this spot. If I move then maybe she will change her mind. If I move then maybe it didn’t even happen at all.
“So, everything is over?” She asks quietly behind me. I pivot to face her and she is leaning in the doorway of the kitchen. “It’s all over?”
“Mostly. They said that the men are being compliant so we won’t need to be at the hearing unless we want to.”
“I never want to see them again,” she says with her eyebrows fused together and a scowl on her face.
Neither do I. I would see them enough in my nightmares. I know my dad would argue with me and want me to go. He has a thing for weakness and not facing this fear shows just that. I can imagine the conversation.
“Son, you need to prove to them how strong you are, that you aren’t afraid of them anymore. Plus maybe you’ll get some closure from seeing them get sentenced.”
No offense dad but fuck off.
When I refocus my attention back to Aubrey, her eyes are closed and she has a faint smile on her lips. “It’s over,” she mumbles. She lets out a huge breath, one that she has probably been holding for months.
“What now?” Her eyes pop open and she looks at me expectantly.
I shrug because I have no damn idea what to do next.
“Dinner,” she says with a smile.
We are silent while we eat. I’m still giving her time to process the great news. She seems almost emotionless about it which makes me wonder how much she is freaking out about it on the inside. As I sit there and watch her eat I feel nothing but content and happy. You could strip me of everything; as long as I could be with Aubrey I don’t care about the other stuff. Baseball, my car, a degree… it’s all second to this beautiful girl in front of me.
“I’m still in love with you,” I blurt out. Wrong move, McCabe!
Her fork stops twirling the spaghetti on her plate but that is the only reaction I get.
“I just wanted you to know that, I guess.” I watch her stoic expression and take a heaping bite of food. If I shove my face with pasta I can’t say anything else stupid.
“Even after everything?”
I don’t know what she means by ‘everything’ but I nod anyway.
“I don’t believe you,” she says quickly.
“What?!” Seriously, what?!
She calmly places her fork on the table and wipes her mouth with a napkin before explaining. “There’s no way you can. I’m totally messed up, Kellan. The reason you fell in love with me was because of what happened to us. You’re a guy, you wanted to protect me. It’s in your blood. But I don’t need protecting now. Now it’s all over and you will realize soon enough that you never really loved me.”
“That’s bullshit,” I argue. “I don’t know what kind of crap Liz is telling you but everything you just said is nothing but bullshit. There were things about you that I loved long before the accident.”
She shakes her head. “I was just a shiny new toy for you back then-“
“Aubrey! Quit it, now!” I yell at her. Her eyes widen and she shrinks into the back of the chair. “Dammit you make this so complicated. I know how I feel, why can’t you be
lieve me? Why can’t you just let go and let this happen because whether you realize it or not, we are perfect together.”
She seems timid to speak but finally does. “I’m just afraid.” Her words are so soft I can barely hear them, but they still cut through my heart. “What if you realize you never really loved me, that you were just blinded by what we went through? Maybe by then I’ll be so deep I will want to die. I don’t think I can handle it again. You’re my best friend, Kellan.”
She stands and carries our plates to the sink and walks out of the kitchen. I hear her sniffling and I want to make this right. I follow her into her room. She tries to shut the door but I manage to shove my sneaker in the way and the door bounces off of my foot and slowly creaks open.
She is sitting on the edge of the bed with small tears streaming down her face. I crawl to her and kneel in front of her. I wrap my arms around her back and bury my head in her lap.
“Listen,” I start. I need to just pour my heart out and let fate take over. Once I say what I need to say, it will be up to her. “I know what I said bothers you. If you aren’t ready for that then I understand. There are plenty of other four letter words I can use in its place.”
I lift my head and look her dead in the eyes. “I want you. I need you. I like you. Take your pick.”
“I don’t want you to stop saying it if that’s how you feel. I just want you to be sure of it before you start blurting it out.”
“I’m sure. One thousand percent.”
“How do you know?” She looks skeptical but also hopeful. I look at her face. Her blue eyes are sparkling under unshed tears as they dart back and forth, looking into my own. Her pink lips are trembling slightly as I begin one of the most crucial monologues of my life.
“Did you know that you snore when you’ve had too much to drink?” She looks offended so I quickly add, “I love that about you. That has nothing to do with what happened to us. Or the way you are the clumsiest person I know? I love that about you, and it has nothing to do with what happened to us.
“The way you cry when you see ASPCA commercials on TV, how you take nothing for granted, how you know more about baseball than half of the guys on my team, your smile that is fucking contagious, I love all that about you. And none of those things have anything to do with what happened to us in Mexico. Yes, it brought us closer, but it doesn’t define us, Aubrey. We can’t let it own us or affect us more than it already has. And I promise I won’t let anything bad happen to you again.”
