by C. A. Saari
He kicked my legs one more time, I winced.
“Get dinner made.” He stomped from the room and I sagged in relief. Well, that wasn’t so bad. No fist of fury today. I stood on shaky legs and let myself have a few moments to settle my equally shaky hands before going about getting spaghetti ready. When ready I dished it for him and handed it over the back of the couch to him with a fresh cold one. He snatched it from me without another word and I retreated back to my bedroom. I had hastily eaten while I’d cooked, there was no way I was going to stay in his line of sight long enough for him to decide he hadn’t punished me properly for not having his dinner ready last night.
It was just past seven but I changed into my PJ’s and crawled into bed. My room was silent and nearly dark, the sun had set well below the woods behind my house. The woods behind my house. An unpleasant tingle crept up my spine and I felt goose bumps on my arms and I tried desperately not to think about the shadows I’d seen. I jumped up from my bed and closed my blinds while adverting my eyes from the woods I knew so well, I’d been using them for nearly four years now. When had they gotten so terrifying? I laid back down in bed and wished for something to fill the silence. I had no radio, no TV, I’d had an I-pod up until just last month, but Bob –yeah, I was just going to skip calling him dad from now on- had found that and had managed to get a few bucks for it. It was too quiet. I could hear twigs snapping just feet away from my window and I was sure, no, absolutely convinced that if I peeked through my blinds two red eyes would be staring back at me.
Oh hell.
I switched on my bedside lamp and reached for my backpack. I wish I had my cell phone, I wanted to text Kendra, but bringing it into the house was too risky. So instead I pulled my Calculus book from my bag and began to read. It was really the only subject I had to study, everything else came easy. Kind of like it was just common sense. Most thought I didn’t pay attention in class, since I spent the entire day staring out various different windows, but I heard everything the teachers said, absorbed every single tiny detail.
Maybe that’s why every instructor let me get away without participating in class. Because I aced tests. They knew that even though I didn’t appear to be listening to them, I was probably one of the few in class who actually was.
I was nervous again about tomorrow. I wouldn’t bail on Kendra again. And not just because I didn’t want to walk through the woods –yes, even though my blinds were closed I still refused to look at the window- but because I’d already let her down once and it was not a pleasant feeling. I think I’d disappointed myself as much as I had her. And Jake…Jake. I was excited to see him tomorrow.
Part of me had a fear that he would come to his senses tonight while sitting in his cozy home with his cozy family and his cozy golden retriever –not that I knew whether he had a dog or not, but I assumed- and tomorrow he would avoid me like I had a plague. Just like everyone else did -when they weren’t throwing out snide comments and putting elbows and shoulders into me in the halls.
He’d mentioned a pull and had asked if I felt it. Yes, I had felt it. Last year; his first day of school I had seen him across the hall at his locker and my whole world had imploded. My chest had constricted and I had felt an intense need to walk across the hall and into his arms. That had been ridiculous. He’d never accept me into his arms. He’d shove me away and say something cruel. So I had pushed the feeling aside and walked away instead of toward him, and then spent the next year avoiding him as though he had the plague. I made sure we were never caught in the same area –whether alone or not- ever. We’d only had one class together and it’d been an alphabetically assigned seating class. I’d ended up on the other side of the room from him, towards the front so I never even had to look at him. Thank God. Though every once in a while I’d feel heat course through my shoulders and down my arms…I wonder now, after feeling it again when he looked at me yesterday, if it hadn’t been him staring at me.
I would secretly pretend it was, but I wasn’t getting attached to him. I wasn’t going to let myself be irreparably crushed when all of this went horribly south.
And I was convinced it would. He wanted to build trust enough to be my friend? Well he had a long row to hoe.
They were dragging me down. Deep despair and evil made up their black horned bodies and their glowing red soulless eyes were filled with the fires of hell. There were too many to fight and they dragged at me, pulled at me, bit at me. Laughing, reveling in my hopelessness.
“No!” I screamed, renewing my fight by sheer will alone. I lashed out, the blade in my hand struck a large gash in the face of the nearest beast and black ooze seeped from the wound dripping on and stinging my arm.
I cried out and sat up.
My breathing was slow to settle, my chest heaved and my eyes adjusted quickly to the waning darkness.
It was morning, and I had been dreaming. I touched my bicep where the ooze had touched me in my dream and hissed in a breath through my teeth. That hurt! I held my arm out in front of me to see in the week light that barely penetrated the blinds of the only window in the room. I didn’t see burning black ooze, only black and blue finger prints wrapped around my arm. I frowned. Between that and the creepiness that had become my woods, it had produced one messed up dream.
I glanced at the cheap alarm clock on my nightstand. It was only six. I had a good hour and a half before I was to meet Kendra down the street. No way would I have her pick me up at my door. One look at her snazzy little Mustang and her pretty clothes and Bob would be begging her for a handout. And if he didn’t get it, then he’d hound me until I could get it out of her.
I rolled my head on my shoulders to work out the tension from the dream. It didn’t work, so I decided on a hot shower. I usually made my showers quick, get in and out before I woke Bob. But today I took my time. I shaved everywhere, I even plucked my eyebrows –ow!- until they looked less like squirrels and more like neatly groomed caterpillars. I hated perfumes, but I had a nearly empty bottle of a Target grade body spray that smell like lilacs. I loved it, and therefore did everything I could to make it last until I could obtain more, but today was my big debut. I could at least smell better than my suave shampoo and store brand bar soap. The one thing I did allow myself daily after every shower though was moisturizer. I had learned that habit from my mother. She’d always told me that a girl’s best friend was her skin, so take care of it. And I did. I did not skimp, which was why a six dollar bottle of body spray was difficult to afford. Most of my extra money was saved to replenish my many bottles of rather expensive moisturizing products. I could not get a job. Yet. If Bob knew I was bringing in a paycheck you could bet every last penny of it that he’d go directly to the bank with me and confiscate every last cent, but I did work for several neighbors. The nice thing about trailer parks was they were filled with elderly folks. Many too old to do most of the chores required daily. I cleaned homes, cooked from time to time. I Weeded gardens, mowed lawns and shoveled sidewalks or driveways. I even ran errands from time to time when someone was generous enough to borrow me their car. Since quite obviously I didn’t have one of my own. Nearly every dollar I made went to making sure we had electricity, hot water and food in our bellies. If Bob ever once wondered how the bills were getting paid, he never said it out loud.
I’d been in the bathroom for nearly an hour and when I stepped out I couldn’t help but to pause and listen for any sound in the house. The only sound was Bob snoring on the couch. I don’t think he even remembered he had a bed in a bedroom anymore. He’d taken up residence on our ugly 1970’s brown couch and there he pretty much stayed, except for his liquor runs.
I dressed quickly and reached for the window to crawl out, but froze.
Crap. I was suddenly scared to pull those blinds up. What would be on the other side? And crawling out of it and into the dark? Oh, hell no. I turned and went out my door instead. There was a creak under my foot near the front door –damn it! I had been so close- I stopped moving when
Bob stopped snoring. I waited for the explosion. Bob hated being woken –hence the window exit every morning. But his snoring started back up and the intense relief I felt was only topped by the terror I felt over having to open the squeaky front door. I had never taken care of that little problem because I liked to hear whenever Bob came and went. Now I wish I would have.
Maybe the window wouldn’t be so bad. I turned back towards my room and looked down the hall. My door was open to a big gaping black hole. Why was my room still so dark? Sure the sun was fighting with clouds for space in the sky, but even with the gray light the rest of the house was lit well enough to see, but my room was pitch black. It only further scared the shit out of me.
Nope. Wouldn’t be going back that way.
I guess if the door made noise I could always race out and outrun Bob. That would buy me the day, but he’d catch me when I got home.
Luck was on my side today for once; the door made noise, but Bob continued to as well. I smiled triumphantly as I closed it, grabbed my phone and skipped down the two little steps out front. I hiked my back pack up my shoulder and walk two blocks to where I told Kendra to meet me. She was already there.
“You didn’t blow me off!” She threw her arms around me in a hug, I stood stiffly for a moment, but like always, she waited me out until I relaxed enough to bring an arm around her and give her an awkward pat on the back. “We need to work on those hugs. You’re terrible at them.” She opened the passenger door and pulled the seat forward. “Get in.”
I took a deep breath and did as she asked. I sat in the back seat next to the bag she’d packed the new me into.
“Well, get to it girly. We don’t have all day.” Kendra said with a smile.
“I’m scared.” I mumbled.
“Thank you captain obvious.” She twisted in the driver’s seat to look at me, her look of sarcasm softened to one of kindness. “I will be with you every step, okay?”
I just stared at her, I wasn’t sure which one of my looks she was receiving. Whichever one she was getting, she ignored it and instead gestured to the bag next to me with her head. Then turned back around in her seat.
I took one of the deepest breaths ever and reached for the bag. I pulled on each item of clothing as if I were preparing for a firing squad. Kendra raised her arms over her head and tapped her watch without a single word. I knew what she meant; I was taking forever. Finally I pulled on the little flats and crawled into the passenger seat. I lifted my own arm.
“I can’t wear this shirt.” I whispered and her eyes popped, then narrowed in anger when she saw what was so very clearly finger bruises around my arm. They covered nearly the entire portion of my bicep and tapered off even further than that into angry red blotches. Like Bob had popped blood vessels or something. I wasn’t sure, I just knew it was painful, and even uglier. And so obvious. It wasn’t even like I could use the age old excuse “I fell”. Kendra had seen my bruises before and had even threatened to tell once; I had to beg and plead to get her to agree not to. I had only one more year (now we were down to six months) until I was eighteen and I could move out for good. If she could just save me the humiliation and wait it out for me I would be grateful forever. She didn’t like it, but she had agreed. Now, she opened her mouth to say something about how fed up she was, I’m sure; but I held up a hand –she never flinched when I did things like that- to stop her.
“Don’t.” I said simply and her lips snapped shut, we engaged in a staring contest for a few moments before Kendra finally conceded with a sigh and an eye roll.
“I have something.” She reached into her own book bag –she didn’t have some old backpack, she had a book bag- and pulled out a black sweater, as soft as - I could only assume- a cloud. She handed it to me. “Put it on.”
I did. It was a three quarter sleeve sweater -since it was still September and the forecast called for the seventies today- and it wasn’t a sweater like I imagined a sweater should be; long, comfy and largely covered a person’s body. No, this one was only half a sweater. It went as far as my rib cage.
“Perfect.” She beamed. More willing to overlook my bruises now that she couldn’t see them. “One more thing.” She held up two bobby pins. I frowned.
“What are those for?”
“The scarf was too much. Yes, there is such a thing as too many accessories. I’m going to touch you now, so don’t freak out.”
I didn’t freak out, but I did flinch. I couldn’t help it. I had a middle part in my hair, it helped curtain both sides of my face, but Kendra expertly slid a finger through my hair and flipped a portion one side of my head, and I now had a side part. Then she used the two simple bobby pins to pin back the new thick hair that now resided on one side of my head.
“Beautiful.” She sat back and smiled at her work. “Take a look.”
I flipped down the visor and “took a look”. She was right; it looked nice. Amazing how a simple change in a hair part could completely change a face. I looked older. Not old older, but more like a seventeen year old girl rather than a twelve year old boy. I stared at myself.
“I’m seriously starting to get jealous here.” Kendra broke the trance I had put myself in. I turned to her with a smile. It faded when I saw she wasn’t smiling. “You’re lucky I like you, or I’d spread a rumor about you.”
I laughed and she started the car.
“Okay Molly Ringwald. Let’s go blow some minds.” She pulled away from the curb and headed to school. She had a parking spot near the entrance, which was a rare spot to get with nearly every other senior and a lot of juniors vying for parking spots. But she managed to get it. Only a big black truck was able to claim the next spot closer.
“Jake’s car.” She said nodding her head to it. Of course. I thought wryly. But I didn’t say it out loud. “Ready?” She asked brightly.
“No.” I said simply.
“Great. Let’s go.” She got out of the car and waited. When I still hadn’t exited she banged on the roof of the car. “Come on fraidy cat.” Her voice was muffled through the windows. I closed my eyes for a moment and gathered every last ounce of bravery I could find. It wasn’t much, but it got me out of the car. The lock chirped, and Kendra smiled knowing she had just very effectively cut off any chance I had of diving back into the car and changing back into my old clothes -that had at some point been some boy’s old clothes. I pinched my lips together and glared at her. Her smile only widened.
“Come on.” She backed towards the sidewalk and motioned me to follow her like you’d coax a scared animal –which I essentially was I guess. Kendra would be good with scared animals, because I found myself following her.
We made our way into school, I was stunned at the cat calls along the way.
“Hey Keny, who’s your friend?” One boy called –I didn’t know his name.
“Oh come on Steve.” Kendra called back. “Don’t you recognize Remi when you see her?”
“Who’s Remi?” He asked, taking a few steps forward as we left him behind.
“She-Man.” Someone whispered. I felt my cheeks burn, and would have ducked my head, but I realized I was without my hair curtain. I noticed several jaws drop and Steve had no reply.
Kendra smiled over at me –yes, in her three inch heels she didn’t have to look up at me- triumphantly. She sailed through the big front doors as if she owned the place, and I followed behind as if on some invisible leash. We made our way through the halls, Kendra returning hellos and fielding questions about her new hot friend; every single time, she was met with stunned silence. My confidence was waning. Yes, I had expected people to come back at me with snide comments and sex change operation jokes and should have been thrilled when that didn’t happen, but this was a different kind of unnerving, and I knew that as soon as people got over their shock, the jokes would follow. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. I wanted to tell Kendra that I couldn’t do this and that I was skipping the rest of the day. But then I saw him.
Jake.
He was standing at his locker, surrounded by a group of fellow jocks and some pretty girls. His eyes locked with mine and instantly everything else around me ceased to exist. A slow smile crossed his lips and he disengaged from his friends and made his single minded way to me, even ignoring the other calls of hellos from several girls hoping to gain his attention. I braced myself. Waiting for the comments. The typical comments about how gorgeous I turned out to be, or how nice my new clothes looked. The comments, while nice, would have disappointed me.
But that wasn’t what he said.
He stopped in front of me, his fingers touched my hip as if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to do; while for me, it was the most intimate thing that had ever happened to me. He smiled down at me. “So, you finally see what I see.” He murmured.
I think that comment might have hurt more. He’d talked about a pull, and I had thought he meant the same kind of pull I’d felt. Yes, he was very out-in-the-open obviously hot, I’d have to be blind not to notice that, but there had been something else. This need I had felt to go to him at first sight. That I would be protected and cherished. Like he’d never let anything ever happen to me. Something about him had convinced me of that that very first day I’d seen him. And I had felt the intense need to give him everything about myself –I don’t use the term everything lightly either. And when he’d mentioned a pull yesterday I had really hoped he’d been referring to a similar feeling towards me. But apparently he’d just seen the hottie that I had kept well hidden.
I smiled hesitantly and turned to go to my locker. Kendra had gone ahead of us. Jake followed me and leaned against the locker to my left. Kendra was at my right, acting like this was the most natural thing in the world.
“I saw you that first day you came out of the woods, and you were impressive then. I’m glad you finally picked up on it yourself.”
I frowned. Wait. What?
“What?” I said. “What do you mean when I stepped out of the woods? How could you see me at that distance?”
