by Donna Alward
“Yes, Daddy.” She patted her leg. “Come on, Ranger!”
Lacey was sure that the pup had no idea that he was supposed to answer to that name, but he sure found chasing after Amber entertaining.
When the door slammed, Lacey was relieved for the reprieve from commotion. Quinn poured his coffee and smiled at her. “So,” he said softly, “am I on the naughty list this morning? I know he was up in the night.”
She thought for a moment but shook her head. “No. I know I’m going to love him, Quinn. Hey, if I’d had kids, I’d be up in the night, right?”
She asked it brightly but Quinn frowned. “Lacey, I’ve been thinking. Is there really no way? I mean—” his cheeks turned ruddy. “You uh, still have your ovaries, right? Have you considered a surrogate?”
She wished he wouldn’t push for alternatives that no longer mattered. Did he honestly think she hadn’t thought about these things?
“Do you know how much that costs?” She ran her hand through her hair, her fingers catching in the tangles. “There are the regular fees, legal fees, payments to the mom each month...we’re talking thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m still paying off the bills from before. We didn’t have that kind of money and I certainly don’t now.”
“I had no idea.”
“I do. Believe me, I looked at all the angles.”
“Adoption?”
She turned away, opened the dishwasher and began unloading it just to have something to do. “By the time we got to that part, Carter had had enough. I’m not sure he would have gone for it anyway. Not his flesh and blood, you see. And it can take years to get a baby.”
“I see.”
“You do?”
“Uh-huh.”
She straightened and met his gaze. “And what exactly do you see?”
“I see you’ve given up. Truth is, I can bring home a puppy, I can tell you that you deserve happiness and I can say or do a hundred different things, but none of it is going to change your mind if you aren’t open to changing it.”
Her chest started to cramp. “Quinn, you know you want children.”
“I have a daughter. Would I like more? Of course. But if it didn’t happen? Shit, Lacey. A month ago I was sure that I’d never fall in love again, and now I have and what’s standing in my way isn’t grief or guilt or my feelings but your stubbornness!”
Had he really said he’d fallen in love? With her?
“It’s been too fast. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Let me know what the proper amount of time is to fall for someone. You know I wasn’t looking. You know I went out of my way to be aggravating.”
“You’re still aggravating.”
He stepped forward, grabbed her upper arms, and kissed her.
When she got over the initial surprise, she knew she should push him away. This wasn’t helping at all. Instead she felt herself soften, lean into the kiss, open her lips beneath his. It felt so right, so perfect. The last thing she trusted was anything that seemed perfect, though, so she indulged in one last kiss before stepping back and out of his arms.
“What are you trying to prove?” she accused softly.
“That this is real. How we feel is real. And that I want to try.”
Her heart hurt, both from longing and from the inevitable pain she knew was coming. “I can’t, Quinn. I’ve been down this road before. I know you mean what you say right now. Eventually, though...”
“You won’t even give us a chance.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been through this before and I care about you, Quinn. I’m not sure I could go through it a second time, and I would fully expect to.”
He just gaped at her. The word coward raced through her mind but she shoved it away. She wasn’t a coward. She’d simply learned her lesson, learned not to idealize situations and saw them for what they were.
“That’s a real no, then.”
She smiled weakly, but there was little warmth in it. “Were you really trying to soften me up with the puppy?”
He took a step back. “I was hoping you would see that you didn’t have to give up. I guess I didn’t realize you already had. I should have known. I’d given up for a long time, too.”
And would he again? She hated that she might cause him pain. That for the first time since his wife’s death, he’d cared about someone, about her, and she was turning him away.
Better now than later, that little voice inside her whispered.
But she said nothing.
Quinn’s face flattened as he shuttered away any more emotion. “Crews are working on the house this week. You’ll only have to put up with us for a little while longer and then we’ll be out of your hair.”
She swallowed, hurt at his withdrawal, knowing she had no right to be. “There’s no rush to leave, Quinn. You know you’re welcome here. You have as much...no, more right to this house than I do.” Her lip quivered and she bit down to stop it. “I can always stay with Duke and Carrie for a few weeks if me being here bothers you. If it’s too awkward.”
“I doubt you want to take Ranger there. It was a stupid idea, wasn’t it? I can see if Sue will take him back.”
A dull ache penetrated her stomach. “No, don’t. I want to keep him. If that’s okay with you.”
“Fine. I’d better get Amber in to get ready for school.”
Conversation over.
He was halfway down the hall when she called after him. “Quinn?”
He didn’t answer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, knowing he probably couldn’t hear her, full of regret.
* * *
IT TOOK TEN days for Quinn’s house to be ready to move back in. Lacey stayed out of his way as much as possible, and he stayed out of hers. They stayed civil so that Amber wouldn’t notice anything was wrong, but she kept herself busy with some of her accounting jobs, looking after Ranger and visiting with Carrie a lot in the evenings.
She took phone calls intended for Quinn about the delivery of new furniture to replace that which had been damaged in the fire. New sofa, love seat, new beds for both him and Amber. It was almost March when he broke it to Amber that they would be moving back home the following day.
“Yay!” Amber cried out, her spoon clattering to the table, splattering pudding on the tablecloth.
For all her “will you be my mom” talk, Amber seemed to personify the sentiment that there really was no place like home. She seemed excited that she would be back among her familiar things—whatever had been salvaged from the smoke damage.
After dinner, Quinn disappeared with Amber to pack. Lacey cleaned up the kitchen and felt a sorrow open up inside her at the thought of being alone in the house.
Then again, she wouldn’t really be alone. Quinn would be back to venturing in and out, as the ranch office was still in the house. But Amber would be gone, too. And the sensation of going to bed at night and not feeling so all alone.
She looked over at Ranger, who was curled up in a ball on the leather sofa. She hadn’t had the heart to make him stay off the furniture, especially since there was no fabric upholstery. She went over and sat beside him, pleased when he unfurled his warm body and stretched, and then rested his chin on her lap. She stroked the soft fur and found her throat clogging with tears. Maybe this was why Quinn had brought Ranger home. Because he knew they were leaving and he wanted her to have some company.
He really hadn’t had any faith in her. It stung that he’d been right about it, too.
The next morning Lacey got up early to make a final breakfast for Amber. Her favorite was chocolate chip pancakes, so Lacey mixed up the batter and started frying them off while bacon snapped and sizzled in another pan. Amber came skidding into the kitchen with an excited grin. “You made pancakes?”
“I sure did. Do
you want to find the syrup?”
Together they set the table, while Lacey tried to ignore the sound of Quinn going in and out, taking their bags to his truck. She’d hated the fact that he was moving in and now she hated to see him go. Yes, even though they’d reached an impasse lately, the house would seem unbearably empty without him and Amber here.
His spot at the table would be vacant.
She wouldn’t smell his soap and aftershave in the bathroom anymore.
Instead of off-tune whistling, there’d be nothing but silence.
She grabbed the spatula and flipped the pancakes on the griddle as Quinn came in to grab a quick breakfast before hitting the road.
“I’m going to miss Ranger,” Amber said a few minutes later, her mouth stuffed full of pancake.
“And I’m going to miss your help.” Not exactly, but she would never tell Amber that. Sometimes kid and dog made more mess than they solved, but she wouldn’t have traded it for anything. “You can come back to see him anytime, though. Have playdates!”
Amber giggled. “That’s funny. Puppy playdates.”
“We’d better get going,” Quinn said firmly, putting his knife and fork on his plate and taking a last swig of coffee. “Thanks for breakfast this morning, Lacey.”
Ouch. So impersonal. In such a rush to leave... “You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do.”
He refused to meet her eyes. Amber collected her plate and, like the angel she was, started to take it to the dishwasher.
“Just leave it, I’ll clean up. Your daddy’s in a rush.” A rush to get away from her. Either he was still really angry about what had happened, or she’d truly hurt him. She didn’t like either option very much.
Amber took a minute to stop and hug Ranger, who was sitting beside Lacey’s chair, hoping for a scrap of something to fall to the floor. “’Bye, Ranger. See you soon. Be a good doggie.”
“What about me?” Lacey asked. “Do I get a hug?”
“O’course!” exclaimed Amber, barreling forward and wrapping her arms around Lacey’s neck as Lacey leaned down. “I love you, Lacey.” As if that weren’t enough, Amber placed a sweet, smacking kiss on Lacey’s cheek.
Quinn was right. Get out and get out fast, preferably before she embarrassed herself. For a moment, her gaze lifted and met Quinn’s. There was no escaping the pain in his eyes. He wasn’t leaving unscathed, either. But it was for the best. Wasn’t it?
“Come on, Amber. Gotta get you to school and then unload the boxes.”
“Coming, Daddy!”
She raced off to put on her boots and jacket, and Lacey followed, despondency leaching into her body, making it feel heavy and sluggish. She loved him. She truly did. She loved his strength and kindness and ethics and honesty. She loved watching him play with Amber, or help her with her letters, or any of the other things that required patience and love since he’d taken on this single-parenting gig. And it was for that reason alone that she let him go. Someone out there would make him happy, give him more children to spoil. Give Amber the opportunity to have brothers and sisters.
Amber ran to the truck and Quinn got her fastened in, then came back to the door for one last duffle bag.
It was in his hand before he looked up at her, standing by the banister.
“Well, this is it,” he said, his voice betraying no emotion. “Thank you, Lacey, for sharing your space with us. You must be glad to be getting the house to yourself again.”
Really? Did he actually just say that? It made her a little bit mad that he could reduce what had happened here the last month to her wanting her space back. “That’s it?” Her tone was brittle. “That’s all these last weeks have been? Like you’re checking out of a hotel?”
The crests of his cheeks pinked. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“Then don’t pretend that it’s something it’s not.” She huffed out a breath. “Or rather that it’s nothing when it was something.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “You refuse to let it be something. So it’s just better this way. We can go back to me working in the office when I need to and if that’s a problem I can talk to Duke about putting an office in the horse barn. There’s room.”
“You’re punishing me.”
He shook his head. “No, Lacey, I’m trying not to punish myself. Big difference.”
Before she could reply, he nodded. “Gotta go. Amber’s waiting. Thanks for everything.”
He turned and walked away.
She stared after him until Ranger noticed the open door and made a run for it. The sound of his claws on the floor alerted her and she neatly stepped aside, blocking his path. Then she shut the door.
Chapter Fifteen
It was as if someone had taken all the color out of her life.
There were no little pink-and-purple piles of clothing to be picked up, hardly any dirty dishes and no more coffee breaks at the kitchen table. What had initially been peace and quiet and order was now dull and silent and lonely. Ranger kept her busy and she clung on to caring for him like a lifeline, taking him for long walks around the ranch, enjoying the fresh air now that spring was around the corner. He started chewing her slippers, so she made a trip to the pet store for some better chew toys to keep him occupied. In the evenings, he often hopped up on the sofa with her as she watched TV. There was just one problem. Every time she looked at him she saw Quinn, standing in the doorway with a hopeful look on his face, Ranger in his arms.
For the millionth time, she wished things were different. She wished they could just have a normal life with the normal progression of things: fall in love, get married, have children. No bumps in the road, no...
She sighed, put her hand on Ranger’s warm coat. No sacrifices or gut-wrenching decisions. Why did life have to be so complicated?
A week passed, then another. Lacey worked on the ranch books, then hung out her shingle for doing taxes as the season was in full swing. It kept her busy most days, papers spread out on the kitchen table. When she had a lull, she drove over to the Brandt spread to catch up with the monthly accounting.
Once more she was struck by the prosperous state of the ranch. It was so put together, so tidy and cared for. If she could do anything for Crooked Valley, she hoped it was find ways to save Duke some money so he could afford to make the little upgrades and give the place some polish. She’d discovered that the bucking stock side of the operation wasn’t carrying its weight, and she wanted to speak to Duke about some options for either making it profitable or shedding themselves of the liability. Maybe talking to Kailey would help, too. The girl knew her business.
“Hey, girlfriend.” Right on cue, Kailey stuck her head inside the office. “Saw your car out front and brought you some coffee.”
Lacey let out a breath and smiled. “Thanks. I could use another cup.”
“Not sleeping well? You look tired.” She put the mug on the desk.
Lacey raised an eyebrow. “Gee, thanks for the compliment. Actually, the dog keeps me up a lot of nights. Though he’s getting better.”
“He’s a cutie. I saw him when I was over to see Quinn a few days ago about one of the mares.”
“You didn’t come in?”
“Your car was gone,” Kailey explained. “You know, you’d think Quinn would be happy, being back in his own place again. But a sorrier sight I’ve never seen. He’s practically moping around.”
Kailey’s voice was a little too innocent, her gaze a little too knowing. Lacey took a sip of her coffee. “Don’t start,” she warned.
“Come on.” Kailey sat across the desk from Lacey and rested her elbows on the scarred wood. “What happened with you two? Valentine’s Day you couldn’t keep your eyes off each other, and I bet that extended to your hands, too.”
Lacey’s cheeks heated.
“See? I’m right. We all figured things were headed in a new direction and honestly, I was really happy about it. He’s not the kind of guy who should be alone forever. He’s too wonderful.”
Yes, it was well established that Quinn was practically a saint. “Then you marry him,” Lacey snapped.
Kailey sat back. “Whoa. First of all, Quinn and I are friends. Always have been. Kissing him would be like kissing my brother. Yuck.” She frowned at Lacey. “Second, what the hell is with the marriage thing? Did he ask you? Oh, my God. He did, didn’t he?”
“No, he didn’t,” Lacey replied. “Thank God.”
Kailey scowled. “Girl, what’s wrong with you? Quinn’s an amazing guy. And you know it, so what gives?”
Lacey deliberated for a moment. Truth was, other than Carrie, Kailey was her only other real friend here in Gibson. “It’s just better this way,” she hedged.
“Better? Better how? And Amber...she loves you. All she talked about was helping you cook and Lacey this and Lacey that...”
Pain sliced through Lacey’s heart. It wasn’t just Quinn she missed, it was Amber, too.
“I can’t have children, Kailey.” She closed her eyes and just let out the words.
She heard Kailey blow out a breath. When Lacey opened her eyes, Kailey was looking at her with sympathy softening her gaze.
“I’m sorry, Lace. I shouldn’t have pushed. I had no idea.”
“It’s not something I talk about,” she admitted. “I told Carrie and Duke a while ago. I told Quinn after Valentine’s Day.”
Kailey wasn’t stupid. She put things together quickly. “When things got to a point where he needed to know.”
“Yes.” She gave a small nod.
“Oh, honey.”
“Don’t.” Lacey held up a hand, determined not to get weepy. She proceeded to fill Kailey in on the painful details of her condition. “It is what it is. So now you see why Quinn and I can’t be together.”
Kailey’s brows pulled together. “No, I don’t. Not really.”
“Quinn wants more kids. I could see it, and I called him on it. It’s no sense pretending it doesn’t matter. We’d just be fooling ourselves and then one day we wouldn’t be able to ignore it any longer.”
