by M. L. Ryan
I felt a lot better knowing at least the first hurdle was cleared, but I was still uncomfortable about leaving. Even though there was nothing rational about it, I felt as if going back to Arizona would take me farther away from Alex. Of course, that was complete bullshit, since now that he was in another dimension, he might as well be on another planet and it really didn’t matter where I was.
Aiden and Cortez were amiable travel companions as we made our way back to Arizona. Now that we didn’t have to avoid detection by Otto, we used mainly commercial aircraft for our trip. Having to wait for connections made the journey take more time, but whoever made the travel arrangements was nice enough to book every leg in first class.
Cortez, as usual, had little to say and spent most of the time either playing Angry Birds or glaring at the other passengers. Aiden was more interactive—and considerably less intimidating—but he seemed to understand that I wasn’t in the mood for unnecessary conversation so he kept the banter to a minimum.
We took a limo to my place from the Tucson airport, and the boys sat like bookends on either side of me in the back seat. For some reason, now that I was back on my own turf, it seemed kind of ridiculous to have bodyguards.
“Did you guys escort me because you were on your way back here anyway, or did you draw the short straw to be my babysitters?”
They both seemed perplexed by my question, but I was surprised when Cortez was the one to answer.
“Alex thought you would be more comfortable traveling with someone you had met before, but Aiden and I volunteered. Not as your babysitters; we consider it an honor.”
I looked from Aiden back to Cortez. Now I was the one who was confused.
“An honor?”
Aiden nodded. “Of course. We consider your actions to be courageous. And, if you don’t mind my asking, have you had prior defensive training? It’s amazing that you had the presence of mind to utilize chopsticks as weaponry.”
I winced when he brought up my gruesome use of the eating utensils. The “what the fuck” expression on Angelica’s face just before she collapsed wasn’t something I was going to forget anytime soon.
“When she pushed me onto the desk and I saw the chopsticks, I remembered joking with my friends about using something similar to ward off a mugger. I was terrified and I just reacted. I didn’t mean to kill her. It was pure luck I got her in the eye.”
“Luck or skill, if you hadn’t killed her, she would have killed you,” Cortez offered with a shrug. “And her death made it possible for Alex to survive. I doubt Angelica would have lost any sleep had you been the one who died.”
He was right, of course. I guess that was the benefit of being completely without moral responsibility or social conscience; you never have to feel bad about doing nasty things to people. Not being a sociopath, however, I couldn’t ignore the consequences of my actions. Maybe I didn’t really want to, because that’s what separated me from the likes of Angelica and Otto. Ah yes, overwhelming guilt, the reward for being a good person. My mother would be so proud.
The limo dropped me at my house and Aiden and Cortez continued on to wherever it was they were going. I dropped my bag near the front door and fished out my phone, which had been returned after we were rescued. I hadn’t been able to use it when we were outside of the U.S.—I guess my plan didn’t cover overseas travel or something—and I was surprised when I turned it on and I had a bunch of voicemails. In no mood to listen to them, I speed-dialed Rachel, hoping either she or Harrison were home so I could pick up Vinnie.
Rachel wasn’t there, but Harrison was and I told him I would be right over. When I arrived, a howling Vinnie was already ensconced in his carrier. I was a little wary that Vinnie might still find me not quite to his liking, but when I placed my hand against the metal door grate, he purred loudly and rubbed his head against my fingers.
“Thanks so much for taking care of him. I really appreciate it,” I said as Harrison walked with me out to the car.
“No problem. He was a perfect house guest.” Harrison placed a bag with the rest of Vinnie’s stuff in the front seat while I buckled the carrier in the back. “I think Rachel tried to call you a couple of times but she couldn’t reach you.”
“Oh yeah, my phone must have been messed up or something. I just realized I had missed calls today when I got back. There wasn’t a problem at work, was there?”
Harrison shrugged. “I don’t think so; I just thought I’d mention it. Rachel was concerned that maybe you were mad at her or something and that’s why you didn’t call her back.”
Just as I was about to ask for more details, Rachel pulled into the driveway. She practically jumped out of the car and hugged the stuffing out of me.
“Oh my god, Hailey, I’m so happy to see you!” She pulled back from the embrace and looked me over carefully. “Is everything okay? I was worried about you,” she said with a slight frown.
“Everything’s fine.” I glanced questioningly between Harrison and Rachel. “Why did you think something was wrong?”
“Well, it’s weird for you not to call me back when I leave a voice message. I texted you a couple of times too. But I just figured you were busy. Then, a couple of days ago, your mother called at work because she couldn’t get in touch with you.”
Shit. That was the problem with lying, it’s almost impossible to tie up every single loose end. Crap. No one could have foreseen my mother calling work; she never, ever called me at work. I didn’t think she even had my work number.
I gave myself a hard, mental slap in the head. Damn it. Why didn’t I just tell Rachel that my sister didn’t want my mother to know about her pregnancy problems, so we were keeping it a secret from her?
“Did you tell her I was at Sarah’s?”
“No, it was obvious that she had no clue about your sister’s pregnancy, so I told her you went on a camping trip and probably didn’t have cell phone coverage where you were. I think she bought it, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed odd that you would just up and leave to go take care of your sister.”
She had her hands on her hips now and I could tell she was waiting for me to fess up. When I didn’t say anything right away, she said, “Does this have anything to do with Alex?”
I hated lying to her, and I obviously couldn’t tell her everything. But she deserved as much of the truth as I was able to give.
“Yes, I took some time off to spend with Alex.”
“So why didn’t you just say that to begin with?”
“I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t really sure what was going on between me and Alex, and I really just met him…”
Rachel rolled her eyes and huffed out a sigh.
“What, did you worry I’d think you were a slut? For god’s sake, Alex seems like a great guy. And you haven’t been with anyone for three years. Even if all you wanted was to go somewhere with him and bang his brains out, do you think I would think less of you?”
She looked so indignant. I wished I could tell her everything, and not just to assuage my guilt. In the last month or so, I was inhabited by a being from another dimension, was almost killed by psychos trying to discover the secret to immortality, and ended up killing one of them. There was no one I could share this with. The only part that I could share—that I had met an extraordinary guy who made me want to feel again—was tempered by the real possibility that I had no idea if I would ever see him again.
Tears started to well up, and I stammered, “No, I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.” I was still sorry, even as I continued with my omissions.
She hugged me again. “Hey, I understand.” When she pulled away, she wagged her brows and said, “Soooo… was it fantastic?”
I looked into her face, so expectant for even a tidbit of the salacious details. Too bad, I didn’t have any. What could I say? She already thought I was hopeless in the post-divorce romance department. If I admitted we never actually did the deed after I had just told her I went away with
him, I might never hear the end of it.
What the hell—in for a penny, in for a pound, as they say. I wiped the tears from my eyes and said as convincingly as I could, “It was fantastic.”
“So is he back in Portland? When are you going to see him again?”
“I don’t know. It’s… it’s complicated.”
“That’s not good,” Harrison offered, shaking his head.
“I just need some time to sort things out.” They both looked kind of concerned, so I forced myself to smile. “Don’t worry; I’ll be fine, I promise. I just need to get home and get some sleep right now. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, Rach.”
I was exhausted from the long trip. I climbed into my car and managed to drive home without either falling asleep at the wheel or crying like a baby. Vinnie was thrilled to be home; when I set the carrier down in the living room and opened the door, he shot out and ran around the place a couple of times before coming back to weave his body around my ankles, purring loudly. I gathered him in my arms and sat down on the sofa, where he proceeded to curl up in my lap.
It was nice being home. But as I sat there, it felt odd to be alone. I hadn’t realized how used to Sebastian’s essence I had become. Even when he wasn’t talking in my head, there was always a kind of energy associated with his presence. So much had happened in the last couple of days I hadn’t noticed his absence, or maybe this was the first time since he was reconverged that I was actually by myself.
I missed Sebastian’s presence, but I really missed Alex. I was used to being alone. In fact, since my divorce I thought I was comfortable being by myself most of the time. Whatever the reason for my sudden revelation, I didn’t just feel alone. I was lonely. And that made me very sad.
I went back to work the next day, but my heart wasn’t really in it. It was nice to see Chelsea, Daniel, and the critters but I plodded robotically through my duties. It wasn’t just melancholy from wondering what was happening with Alex. I guess, after everything that had happened, it didn’t feel right going back to my old life. It was tough dealing with the fact that I killed someone—even though, rationally, I knew it was her or me, that’s not something you can gloss over. Also, now that I knew there was—literally—a whole other world out there, supervising a chinchilla-milking facility just didn’t seem like a productive way to earn a living.
So two weeks after I got back, I gave my notice. I know I should have stuck it out until I actually found another job. I really had no idea what I wanted to do instead and what’s the point of having a crap load of savings if you can’t use it to indulge yourself once in a while. My car was paid for, my rent was cheap, and I figured I had a good year or so to figure it all out before I would be forced to find gainful employment.
Rachel, Chelsea, and Daniel organized a going away party at O’Reilly’s after my last day. It was bittersweet, but it wasn’t like I would never see them again. They were still my friends and even though I would be seeing less of them, they would always be a part of my life, whatever that turned out to be.
Once I didn’t have the daily routine of going into work, I spent a lot of time thinking. I still had no word about, or from, Alex. I knew he couldn’t pick up a phone or e-mail, but as time went on my previously ingrained mindset, that I was not meant for happily-ever-after, started to overtake my more recently developed sense of hopefulness. I tried to remain positive, but I had no idea how Alex really felt about me before, much less how any of the monumental changes that had recently occurred might influence him now.
I did come to one important conclusion. One night about a week after my last day at work, I sat outside looking up at the full moon, recalling Alex’s handsome face, bathed in the glow of the moonlight. I have always considered myself completely heterosexual, and at first, I couldn’t even imagine being sexually attracted to Alex in a woman’s body. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I loved Alex. Alex was who he was, regardless of what physical body he inhabited. I would love him if he had been maimed or if he wasn’t handsome anymore.
I realized that any hesitation on my part was not because he was in a woman’s body. It was because of the woman’s body he was in. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to look at Angelica’s face without reliving what it felt like to puncture her eye and brain. How she looked when I killed her.
And I also knew that while I still clung to the hope that I would see him again, even if I didn’t, I didn’t regret loving him. If he did come back still in Angelica, and he still wanted me, we could figure it all out together.
~20~
One of the best things about not having to go to work every day is being able to take hikes in the morning whenever the feeling strikes. Now that it was almost April, the desert was awakening from winter into spring, and I was anxious to check out the wildflowers. The display varied from year to year depending on the amount of rain in the fall. Luckily, we had enough precipitation when it counted to foster a decent show. I chose the Fifty Year Trail in Catalina State Park on the north side of the Santa Catalina range, and it didn’t disappoint.
It had rained a bit the night before, and there’s nothing as wonderful as the smell of the desert after it rains. It’s difficult to describe the unique scent, but it is earthy, fresh, and heavenly. The hillsides along the trail were blanketed in color: low growing Mexican gold poppies mixed with tall, bright pink penstemon, huge white desert chicory, and spiky lavender lupine. I even found some mountain larkspur interspersed among the flowers. The bright blue petals reminded me of the color of Alex’s eyes.
The landscape was breathtaking and peaceful and I felt rejuvenated by the hike. By the time I got home, showered, and had lunch, it was after one o’clock. I was getting ready to go outside to tend my newly planted tomato garden—I needed to put up some kind of barrier to keep both the birds and the rabbits from devouring the fruit once it ripened—when the doorbell rang.
I wasn’t expecting anyone and from experience, it was probably either someone selling something I didn’t need or extolling the virtues of some religion I had no interest in. I was debating not answering, but the bell rang again and I decided anyone that persistent should probably be attended to.
“Whatever it is, I’m not interested,” I barked through the closed door.
“Okay, but I’m not selling anything,” came a familiar baritone voice.
I flung open the door and there he was—tall, blonde, and handsome, sporting a hesitant smile on his face and a single, white rose in his hand.
“Alex!” I shouted as I launched myself into him, forcing him to drop the flower with my unbridled enthusiasm.
He wrapped me in his arms and held me tightly. My head was kind of smashed into his chest, and I murmured, “I missed you,” breathlessly into his shirt.
“I missed you too,” he whispered as he began to trail kisses starting on the top of my head down the side of my face. When his lips finally reached mine, the soft kisses became more fervent and heated. Without breaking the contact, he lifted me off my feet and moved us inside before kicking the door closed with his foot.
We continued this way for a while longer until I pulled back a little to really look at him.
“You’re… you again,” was all I could say.
“I am, but it was more difficult than anticipated.”
“Tell me everything.”
I pulled him over to the sofa and we sat, fingers laced together, as I waited expectantly for the details.
“My corporeal self was resistant to healing, partly because my spiritual self was no longer directly linked to it, but also because of the extensive damage caused by the bullets. Eventually, the master healers were able to repair everything so that it could sustain life, except for my heart. They believed that it couldn’t withstand the stress of reconvergence and Sebastian was concerned that having to yank my essence from my dying body once again might not be a wise choice. They strongly suggested that I remain in Angelica because they believed that would be s
afest.”
Alex paused and glanced out the window. “But after being in Angelica’s body, I realized that one’s essence is aligned with their body and you can’t just randomly interchange parts.”
He looked back at me. “I don’t know, maybe after a while things would have adjusted, but I really just wanted… me. Besides, the whole process defies the natural order of life, so we embarked on an alternative plan. Sebastian deconverged me from Angelica’s body into his laptop, as he had originally hoped to do with himself before he ended up in your Kindle. He postulated that a controlled transfer to a healthy body would pose less risk. Then Angelica’s heart was removed and placed in my body. When they knew that the transplant was successful, Sebastian successfully reconverged me.”
“Wow. First vampires, werewolves, and ghosts and now Frankenstein,” I joked.
Alex lifted an eyebrow. “Well, that’s one way to look at it I suppose. Except I’m missing the neck bolts.”
“Good thing. I’m not really a neck-bolt kind of a gal.”
I looked him up and down carefully, trying to see if anything looked different, but he looked exactly the same as he had.
“How do you feel?”
“I feel great. I’m sorry you were left in the dark all this time. I wanted to send someone to give you updates, but Sebastian was so unsure if any of this would work, he convinced me that it might be best to wait until… things were resolved one way or the other.”
I knew they were trying to make things easier for me, but really, why would anyone think I would prefer to know nothing rather than deal with what was actually going on? The scenarios I conjured up in my mind were a lot more stressful than the truth would have been. The truth you can deal with, it’s all the speculative crap that makes you nuts. Now wasn’t the time to quibble over what would have been a better choice. Alex was alive and well and that’s all that mattered.
