by Harlow Hayes
“Niko,” I said quietly.
“Yeah?” he said as he turned from the stove, drying his hands on a dish towel.
I stepped toward him and ran my hand through his hair. I pulled his face close to mine and kissed him. Just a lingering peck, nothing too intense, but I felt his energy surge through my lips. I felt life in his lips. I backed away quickly, like a mouse scurrying back to its hole. I felt the dizziness again but it wasn’t from the wine, it was from his lips. They were soft and warm, just like I thought they would be. He stared at me and I turned away, back to my lemons.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I won’t do that again.” I could feel him staring a hole in my back. I felt invigorated but ashamed and embarrassed at the same time. I had taken advantage of this man and thrown myself at someone who may not have wanted my advances. I was just another perp. And now my suspicions were confirmed—he didn’t want me, and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
Niko stepped towards me. “Mara.” He grabbed my arm and turned me around slowly. He just stared at me and I looked away to hide my shame but it was written all over my face, all over my body. But then the unexpected happened. He kissed me back.
Niko started slow, but eventually I was consumed by him. I felt the strength in his hands as he embraced me and his body heat increased as we kissed. I could feel Niko’s hands moving down my backside, his fingertips exploring every edge and curve of my body with vibrant curiosity, teasing me, driving my mind to dream of where he might go next. Niko pulled away, his eyes still closed, but only for a moment. He leaned in to me and pushed the lemons and the cutting board away. His hands ran down the side of my hip until he reached the end of my skirt. His fingertips brushed against my skin as he pulled it up. I felt shivers move up and down my spine. I hadn’t been with a man since Frankie, and that was before the rape. Frankie was great when we were together but it didn’t feel like this. I never was filled up to the point where I thought I would burst, and Niko had only kissed me.
He grabbed me by the hips and sat me on the counter. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. Now. I wanted him now. Niko stooped down in front of me and ran his fingers up my long legs. There was only the sound of us breathing and water boiling on the stove and I was about to boil over. His kisses fell on my calf and worked their way up to the inside of my thigh. His fingers went all the way up until he found was he was looking for. He grabbed hold of the laced underwear that I wore and pulled them down. I was hesitant but only for a second. I let him finish his mission, and my underwear swept past my ankles and fell to the floor. I didn’t want the moment to end, but then the fucking doorbell rang.
Niko stopped and looked at me with a severe look of disappointment on his face.
“I’ll get it,” he said.
I hopped off of the counter and ran to the bathroom. A mild panic came over me but it was an excited panic. My mind was going and going and I didn’t want it to slow down. I wanted him and I fantasized about what could have happened; better yet, what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted. I heard voices in the living room. Some stuff in English, some not. I stood at the sink and took a few deep breaths. I pulled my skirt back down and I felt something trickle down my thighs. I pulled my skirt up again and saw the evidence of my arousal. That had never happened before, not that fast. I was mortified that my body was responding that way. Evidence of my desperation. I grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned myself up. Desperate I was, and desperate I remained. I took a deep breath and walked into the living room.
“Mae, this is my friend Mara,” Niko said, his arms wrapped around a short, round woman with shoulder-length gray hair. “Mara, this is my mother, Celia.”
Behind her stood three others. A white man about Niko’s height, with dusty brown hair that was gray at the temples, another woman the same height and same dark brown hair color as Niko, and an older white woman with dirty blonde hair with streaks of gray.
I stepped towards Niko’s mother to shake her hand but she reached her arms out to hug me.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” I said, smiling.
“Oh, Nikolas, she’s beautiful,” his mother said, her accent thick.
“Thank you for thinking so,” I said, feeling my face blush.
Niko stood smiling, seemingly proud of the compliment.
“What about the rest of us, Nikolas?” the dark-haired woman asked.
“I’m sorry. Mara, this is my sister, Patricia, her husband, Michael, and my mother-in-law, Alice.”
They all stepped forward to embrace me.
“We’ve heard a lot about you,” Alice said.
“Really?” I asked. “I hope it’s all been good.”
“Yes. He can’t stop talking about you,” his sister said.
“Patricia,” Niko scolded.
And I couldn’t stop smiling, until I realized I was missing my underwear.
When I found a moment, I pulled Niko aside.
“Hey, do you know where my under—”
He already knew what I was asking for. He grinned and reached into his pocket and pulled out my lace panties. “I figured you’d be asking for them. I’m surprised you didn’t ask sooner.”
I snatched them out of his hand and stuffed them into the band of my skirt, trying to hide the mischievous look I had on my face, but I couldn’t. I felt as if every part of my body was smiling and I had him to thank for it.
I managed to steal a moment to slip my undies back on, but when I returned I watched their interactions the rest of the night. They were loving and talkative. The condo was filled with good smells and lively conversation about everything and anything. It made me nervous to be around. I felt as if I had lived the past several months in a cave away from civilization, fighting against nature for my God-given right to breathe, to eat, to live. Peering around every corner defending myself with the only tools I had, small and insignificant tools, poorly crafted and yielded.
I stood at the door with Niko as we said goodbye to his family. I wanted to feel like I felt in that moment my entire life. Niko turned and smiled at me.
“I think you impressed them,” he said.
“What can I say, I’m impressive,” I said. I walked towards the bedroom to get my stuff. When I re-emerged, Niko was leaning against the kitchen counter. I didn’t know how to say goodbye to him.
“Well,” I said, “I’m going to head home, I have some work to do.”
Niko walked out of the kitchen and met me near the front door.
“You don’t have to leave, you know,” he said.
I smiled at him.
He reached for my face, grabbed my chin, and lifted it up to kiss me. It felt right, but the alcohol had worn off and I needed to sort some things out in my head. I pulled away from him.
“Thanks for tonight,” I said, opening the door and stepping out.
Niko leaned against the doorframe.
“Where was my underwear?” I asked, mortified. I hoped that his mother didn’t see them just lying around somewhere.
“They were on the kitchen floor. I grabbed them before I answered the door.”
“Well, thanks for doing that,” I said.
“Anytime,” he said. “Anytime.”
He looked at me and I knew what he meant. I had just about forgotten that this man was gay. I walked towards the stairs and I could feel his eyes on me until I was out of his sight. Niko was amazing to me in so many ways, but I couldn’t help feeling a sickness in the pit of my stomach. I was going to need time to think about what had just happened between us. Was Niko just lonely or horny? Did I look manly? Is that why he was attracted to me? All of these thoughts were in my head, voices that highlighted every problem with Niko and with me. I was losing my high and reality was showing its ugly face again, and with reality the loneliness returned and my heart ached once more. I went home and wrote as soon as I got to my room.
September 23
TRUTH
Truth is one of t
he hardest things to define. Simply, truth is a statement about the way the world is, but it is heavily dependent on individual human experience and perception. I could say right now that the world is hateful and full of evil people who will do anything to hurt others, and from my experience that would be true. But the world is also full of kindness and laughter and numerous other things that make life beautiful and that would also be true. If I told the truth to myself it would be this: You hold on to the pain because it is comfortable, you reject the new because it is foreign to you, but the sad part is that you know the newness in your life is your saving grace, but you reject it all the same. Somewhere on your path, even before your rape, there was pain, and no love of self, and you hid behind the rape and buried yourself further into the darkness. What you thought once mattered doesn’t matter anymore, and the way that you see the world has changed so much you can’t go back. You can never go back because to you, going back to the old way means death. Love yourself and accept what you are, who you are, and what you have been through because regardless of what happened, it hasn’t made you less, it has made you more. Live in truth…
WORRY
I worry about many things but what I worry about most is falling back into the darkness. I am better than I was and each day I feel myself getting stronger, braver, and I am finally seeing who I am. When I am stripped of titles and hair and teeth and clothes, I can finally see who I am. I believe that this is the way that Niko sees me, and he saw it in me before I was able to see it in myself, and that is why I must tell him the truth. The thought brings worry because I fear the loss. The potential loss is what has made me so uneasy. The uncertainty I felt has nothing to do with Niko’s past but everything to do with my own. I will clean up my mess and start fresh. I will start honest.
Chapter 23
House parties suck. They’re fine when you’re twenty, but at twenty-seven they’re nothing but work. Kate wanted it, so the planning and clean up was on her, I just took in the festivities.
It started off being just a get together for some of her law school friends, to celebrate the passing of some exam. But then it turned into Mara Invite Your Psych Friends and Rosalina, Melanie Invite Your Friends From Work. I didn’t want all these people in my house, so I looked at it as an excuse to spend more time with Niko that didn’t require cooking. Kate had been running around all day, back and forth to the grocery store and in and out of liquor stores, so she had been out of my way, and if she didn’t want any trouble she needed to keep it that way.
I had finally cleaned up my room, but there were still a bunch of papers that I had to go through that were scattered across my desk. Still, it was presentable, good enough for Niko to see it, so I let it be. Night fell and Kate, Melanie, and Rosalina worked in the kitchen doing last-minute prep while I sat on the couch with Sophie. I thought that I was the nervous type but she acted like she was sitting on a land mine, so she needed something. I wasn’t sure if that was a stiff drink, a stiff dick, or some basic fun, but she needed to let loose, and I did, too.
Around eleven people trickled in, one after the other. With each knock my heart raced, then relaxed as soon as the door opened and I realized it wasn’t him. I hadn’t talked to Niko in a few days in order to figure things out, but there was a pain in my stomach for not having seen him or spoken to him since our tryst at his place. I hoped that Frankie would come, too, even though I was still mad at him.
I’d decided to be the bigger person and call him after I calmed down about him and Kate, but I only ended up with ‘I’ll call you back’ texts, and of course I never got the call. Maybe he knew I was mad at him, or maybe he was mad at me. I had never given him an answer about us trying to work things out, so I assumed that was the root of his pissiness, but what did he think I was going to do? Run to him with open arms after he had fucked just about every woman in the metropolitan area of Chicago? I didn’t think so. But I was going to be a good friend and love him regardless of his shady indiscretions.
The noise in the apartment got louder but when I heard the knock at the door, the butterflies in my stomach started fluttering. Melanie went to open the door and there stood Jason and Erin.
The audacity, I thought. I didn’t invite their sour asses to my house. They walked into the living room and I walked into the kitchen, following Melanie.
My blood was boiling.
“Your psychology friends are so nice, Mara. Why haven’t you brought them around more?”
Rosalina leaned against the counter, sipping her drink.
“Where are your friends, Melanie?” Rosalina asked.
“There’s only a few from work. They’re over there somewhere. Mara, where’s your friend? The hot one. Frankie,” Melanie asked.
I kept a solid eye on Jason and Erin.
“Mara, did you hear me?”
“I don’t know where Frankie is. I told him, though,” I said, trying to keep focus on my enemies.
Kate had slipped off somewhere and I figured she might have more knowledge about Frankie’s whereabouts than I did. She re-emerged on the other side of the door carrying some red solo cups with a handful of people behind her and there he was. Niko. He looked around, then saw me staring at him from the kitchen.
My anger subsided as soon as I laid eyes on him. We needed to talk, and I knew that there would be no delicate way to start.
He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.
“You’ve been hard to get in touch with. How are things with you?” he asked.
I stepped away from him. “We need to talk,” I said, the palms of my hands sweaty.
“About what?” he said, grabbing my hand.
“Just follow me.”
I led him to my bedroom.
He had a seat on my bed and I shut the door behind us.
“First, I’m sorry about not responding sooner. I just needed some time to gather my thoughts, but in all honesty, I don’t think I’ve successfully done that.” The air in my bedroom was becoming hot and stale, and I started to use my hands to fan myself.
“What is it, Mara?” Niko asked, grabbing my hand again and stroking it with his thumb.
“You’re gay, right? I mean, that’s what I understood to be true. Then we… we… You know, in your kitchen, and…”
Niko grinned.
“Mara, I’m bisexual.”
“Okay… Well, I guess that explains it.” I sat down next to him on the bed. “I guess I’m trying to say that I don’t want to be something to do in your spare time because you’re lonely… because you miss Ashley.”
“Mara, I’m fine. I like you. More than you know,” he said.
Niko laced his fingers with mine and raised my hand to his lips to kiss it. It was so old fashioned and sweet. If it had come from anyone else it would have been weird and corny, but from him it was romantic. I leaned in to him and kissed him on his lips and I felt it again. I felt life. We were picking back up where we left off. Then Melanie came barging in.
“Hey, your friend is here and something is wrong with him,” she said, her face blank, even though she knew full well that she had walked in on something.
“What friend?” I asked, irritated.
Frankie stumbled into my room behind her.
Melanie’s face curled up in disgust and she left just as fast as she came in.
“Mara, my girl. Where have you been?” His hair was disheveled and I could see the sweat stains bleeding through his baby blue button up. He came in and sandwiched me in between him and Niko.
“God, Frankie, how much did you drink?” He smelled like he had taken a bath in vodka.
“What do you mean, how much did I drink? Don’t interrogate me.” He took a swig of the beer that was in his hand.
“I’m not, but you reek. How did you get here?” I asked.
“The bus, train, whatever, I needed to talk to you,” he said, staring at Niko.
“Did you drive here? Where are your keys?” I looked him up and down to see if his keys rest
ed in any of his pockets.
“I don’t know. But I need to talk to you,” he said again.
I looked over at Niko.
“Could you give us a second? I’m sorry,” I said, feeling deflated.
Niko looked concerned and I knew he didn’t want to leave.
“Sure, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything,” he said reluctantly.
“No, we don’t need anything, but we appreciate the concern. Now get,” Frankie said, waving him off.
“Frankie. You don’t need to be an asshole. Where are your keys? Give them to me.”
“Are you not listening to me? I need to talk to you,” he said, his voice shaky.
“What is it?” I asked. I was becoming impatient.
“So what about us, baby?” he asked.
“What about us? I’m not talking to you about this right now,” I said.
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Like what?”
“All cold-like? What? You trying to impress your new friend?” He rolled his eyes. “I guess out with the old, in with the new, huh?”
“Frankie, you’re drunk.” I stood up and walked out of the room. If I was lucky he would pass out.
“Yes, I am, very astute observation,” he yelled as I made my way through the crowd in the living room. He kept yelling, but as I put distance between us, the noise from the party drowned him out.
Niko stood in the kitchen with a drink, talking to Melanie.
“You all right?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine, he’s just wasted. He’ll sleep it off and he’ll be fine,” I said.
“Is he like that all the time?” Niko asked.
“Not usually. I mean, he drinks, but… I don’t know. He seems to be more like that lately. I probably need to talk to him about it.”
“Yeah, probably,” he said, looking over at my bedroom door.
