27 Revelations

by Harlow Hayes

  It was like the wind had been knocked out of me. I thought I was going to spew vomit on her right then and there.

  “A witness? When?” I asked.

  “Just here, recently, about a day or so ago.” She patted me on the back. “Mara, are you all right?”

  “What?” I asked, trying to gather my thoughts. “Why now? Why not months ago?”

  “I don’t know, Mara, why people do the things they do or don’t. Some people don’t say anything because they’re afraid, maybe unsure of what they saw, but we are—”

  I hutched over as a pain hit my stomach, and she reached for my arm.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine, just feeling a little sick.”

  She helped me to stand straight and looked me in the eyes.

  “Mara, I’m going to do my best to try and catch this guy.” She gave me a slight smile.

  “Sorry, but I need to go.” I turned from her and walked away.

  “You just keep your head up and your nose out of trouble. And by trouble, I mean the bottle.”

  I turned around and waved.

  “Will do,” I said, walking down the hall. I could still feel her standing there like a mother, sending her child into the big, dark, mean world.

  I turned around to face her. “Detective Clark?”

  “Yes?” she said.

  “Thanks for letting me know.”

  A witness? I didn’t know whether to be happy or more afraid.

  * * *

  I thought that I was going to die. Right there on the steps walking into the house. After we left the station, I vomited on the back seat of Jack’s Beamer. I walked up the steps to the house and saw that Melanie had the same green look on her face that I did. She was finally beginning to sober up and I knew that she would share the same fate as me. I was prepared to spread out on my bed and take whatever punishment my body had in store for me, because I had it coming.

  Kate hadn’t said a word the whole way home, and I wasn’t going to say anything to her. My feelings had been made clear, so whatever to hers. She went to unlock the door while Melanie and I leaned up against the porch posts trying not to topple over, but it was already unlocked. When we walked in, Rosalina’s sister was moving about frantically in the living room.

  “Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here,” Kate said.

  “I know. I’m sorry, I’ll be out of your hair soon,” Joselin said.

  “What’s going on? Where’s Rosalina?” Melanie asked.

  Joselin stopped moving and put her hands on her hips.

  “It’s my mom. She’s sick and in the hospital.”

  I could feel myself getting dizzy again. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sympathetic, but I had the worst hangover of my life. It was so bad I felt like I needed to be in a detox center.

  “I’m just here picking up some stuff for Rosie. Have you seen a green duffle bag? She said it would be under the bed but it’s not.”

  “Sick? What kind of sick?” Kate asked while Melanie and I tried not to barf.

  “She has cancer, she’s dying. She could be dying right now, I don’t know.” She threw her hands up in frustration. “I just can’t, I can’t find that stupid bag. Rosie, she’s been there all day. She won’t leave.”

  “Joselin, I’m so sor—” I started to say, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I ran into the kitchen and barfed in the sink.

  Kate went to Joselin to try to comfort her while Melanie stood behind me, holding my hair back. It was a mess; we were a mess.

  “We are so sorry. We didn’t know,” I heard Kate say under the sound of me heaving.

  “Is she allowed to have visitors?” Melanie asked as she turned on the water to wash my vomit down the sink. “It’s okay,” she said, patting my back. “Let it out.”

  “Yeah, she is,” she said. I could hear mucus lodged in her throat.

  “You just relax for a moment. Melanie, can you get her some water?” Kate asked. “You think you can manage that?”

  “Yeah, I got it,” she said, helping me away from the sink.

  “Don’t worry about the bag, I’ll find it,” said Kate. “And what does she need? I might have a better idea as to where her things are.”

  Joselin listed some things off and Kate stood up and headed toward Rosalina’s room, but before she got there, she stopped and turned to look at Joselin.

  “If it’s okay, we’re coming with you. Your family doesn’t have to deal with this alone.”

  I felt so sick, and I didn’t appreciate her volunteering my time. You don’t go offering my time. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to go anyway, especially after what Rosalina and her family had done for me, but after I sobered up a little, showered, and got the funk of dirty club off me. I could see it now. Rosalina’s face full of disappointment at my haggard, hung-over appearance.

  No, I knew that wasn’t the Rosalina I was going to get. She had bigger things to think about and I felt ridiculous even thinking about myself right now. Then it started to sink in.

  Rosalina’s mother was dying.

  Chapter 27

  November 3

  SONDER

  I had to look it up to make sure that I was defining it right.

  Sonder-n. The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. Full of individual ambitions, friends, routines, worries and personal craziness.

  The sonder can overwhelm you if you let it. My life, my worry, and my problems were the only ones in the world, but did I take the time to try to understand anyone else’s? Sure, I was in clinic, but I wasn’t focused on the people and what they would get out of it, and I wasn’t focused on what I needed to get out of it. I look at my journey and wonder how many others have had to take this path. How many others have cried with me, been afraid with me and healed as I tried to heal? I was not alone in this collective. I should have learned it from group when I heard those stories, each one a rake to my heart, but it is here in this hospital where I write this. It is here that I have learned, watching each person as they come and go.

  The strange thing about being in hospitals is seeing and understanding that life comes full circle here. As one person is dying, another is being born. Lives are being challenged and tested through illness and injury, and some lives are being changed just by witnessing it all. Ten months ago I was in this hospital, unaware of my state, then I woke up and I never would have imagined I would be here not wanting to die. It was a secret that I kept close to me, but it was the most honest and the most human, but so is the feeling I feel now. And I feel I want to keep living.

  Chapter 28

  Hospitals were the best place to be when you’re dehydrated and hung over. I sat in a waiting room chair staring at the needle protruding from my arm and the IV it was connected to. The sweats had stopped and the dizziness was passing. I had thrown up so much I insisted on being seen, and as a result I was given the banana bag that I was desperate for. Melanie sat next to me while Kate sat on the other side of her, pretending she didn’t know us, completely disgusted with our behavior. We hadn’t seen Rosalina yet, but her sister came in and out to check on us.

  “I wonder why she never said anything?” Melanie asked, breaking the silence.

  “This is terrible,” Kate said, leaning forward in her chair, resting her forearms on her knees. I felt like I needed to say something.

  “Some people are just fine on their own,” I said, hoping it would shut them up at least for the moment, but of course Melanie had to say something.

  “But why be on your own when you don’t have to be?”

  “Pride maybe, most likely insecurities, fear,” Kate said, standing up to stretch. “When things like this happen, it’s like standing in the middle of the street naked. Everyone can see every part of you, even what you don’t want them to see.”

  I guess she was the therapist now. I leaned back in my chair, tilted my head toward the ceiling, and closed my eyes. Silence
, that was what I wanted.

  Then Melanie’s voice was in my ear.

  “Is that why you kept quiet?” The words leaked from her mouth like a slow drip from a faucet.

  “I can’t, not right now,” I said, turning my back toward her, looking the other way.

  There were so many people there that night that were waiting. Waiting for their good or bad news and the thought made me sick. I wondered if that was how my mother felt, my brothers felt, Frankie felt, as they waited to hear the news about me. Whether or not I was going to ever wake up again. I couldn’t even think about my father because, of course, everything that happened to me was my fault anyway.

  “I’m going to the restroom,” Kate said before she left the room.

  Melanie leaned over closer to me so that other waiters wouldn’t hear our conversation.

  “You aren’t alone,” she said.

  I looked over at her and gave her a nod, acknowledging that I heard her, but I wasn’t actually listening.

  “I know it gets lonely.” She paused. “I’m lonely all the time. God, I remember always wanting a brother or sister. You know, someone to look out for you.”

  Her face had a sad look on it as she stared off into the distance. Like her life was flashing before her eyes. What was going on in that head of hers?

  “My mom is a nutjob, so my grandparents raised me, but even with them I was alone.” She then turned her attention to her feet. “I look around at all these people in relationships and stuff and I want it, I want it so bad. That’s why I was a mess that day at the shop. When I look around, there’s no one in my corner but me.” She stopped to clear her throat. “I’ve tried all I can think of to not be lonely but… I know at times I’m more closed off than I should be or I’m too open, which creates a whole other problem. But I just want you to be happy again, like you were before.”

  I smiled at her. I would never be like before, but she planted some small seeds and I appreciated her being vulnerable, or at least attempting to be, for my sake.

  “Well, damn, I didn’t know you cared so much.” I couldn’t keep it in any longer and I had to laugh.

  “Stop laughing. I do care. I have wisdom, I have knowledge to share,” she said playfully, nudging my arm. “But seriously, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ll be in the corner with you if you need me.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  We were bonding. We were really having a special moment, then Rosalina walked through the waiting room door with Kate behind her. Her eyes were red and her hair looked like it hadn’t seen a brush in days.

  “Rosalina, are you all right?” Melanie asked, standing up to give her the seat.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. You know, you guys don’t have to be here,” she said, sitting down next to me.

  “We want to be here,” Kate said.

  “How’s your mom?” Melanie asked.

  “She’s as good as can be expected. I just don’t know… I don’t know how much…” She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

  “Rosalina…” I said.

  I didn’t know what to do. I put my hand on her back to console her, but I knew that it wouldn’t do much.

  “My mommy is dying. She can’t die. My mommy can’t die,” she managed to get the words out through the tears.

  I looked up at Kate and Melanie and studied their solemn faces. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I had used them all in my own distress.

  We weren’t the best of friends but we weren’t the worst, and the truth was, they were all I had now. Something had happened to us over the past few weeks that tethered us together and I couldn’t figure it out, but I didn’t mind it, not anymore. We sat there for a while in silence, listening to the sounds of a hospital that I was all too familiar with. The chatter behind the nurse’s terminal, the phones ringing, the announcements on the intercom. Everything was calm until Joselin sprinted down the hallway.

  “Rosalina, come!” Joselin said, waving for Rosalina to follow.

  She stood up and sprinted down the hall. We were unsure of what was going on but we quickly followed. Kate took off first, followed by Melanie, then me with my banana bag. Rosalina was several feet ahead of us as she ran down the hallway after her sister. They slowed down outside of the room. As soon as Rosalina turned the corner and was out of my line of vision, I heard her screams. Kate stopped, Melanie stopped, I stopped. Melanie covered her mouth to keep her cries silent and Kate’s face and eyes were crimson red. I froze, then fell against the wall.

  * * *

  The ward was quiet and the nurses at their nursing station were somber as they moved around, continuing their work. After Rosalina spent some time with her family, with her mother, her body, then we would all head home together. Kate and Melanie had gone somewhere looking for food. I sat in the waiting room and watched the news. I don’t know why I watched it, considering it only showed more death, more sadness. After a while, I couldn’t watch anymore and looked at people in the waiting room. Some were dealt with horrible news as well, and my heart ached for them. My eyes were heavy, so I closed them, but opened them again when I felt someone rustling in the chair next to me. It was a little boy with short curly hair and overalls from the other side of the room. He had been pestering a girl who I assumed was his sister, and I guess I was next.

  “What’s your name?” he asked, folding his legs beneath him in the chair.

  “Mara. What’s yours?” I asked, curious as to what he wanted.

  “Scottie,” he said, pulling a Twizzler out of his pocket.

  “Hello, it’s nice to meet you.” I focused my attention back to the news, hoping the kid would get the hint and beat it.

  “Why are you here? Are you dying?” he asked, pointing to the IV attached to my arm.

  “Wow, you are an inquisitive little something, aren’t you?” I asked.

  “You can say nosey. I won’t be offended,” he replied.

  “Where are your parents, kid?” I asked, scanning the room.

  “They’re back there somewhere,” he said.

  “Who’s watching you?”

  “My sister, she’s over there,” he said, pointing to a teenage girl buried in her phone.

  “Oh, why are you here?” I asked.

  “My nana is dying,” he said.

  “Oh… I’m sorry, kid.”

  “My name is Scottie,” he said, frowning at me.

  “I’m sorry, Scottie.”

  “It’s okay. Is your grandma dying, too?”

  “No, my friend’s mother, she’s dying. I mean, she died,” I said, trying not to get choked up again.

  “My grandma has been here for days. I’ll get to see her in a little bit. I miss her, though. She makes the best cookies.”

  “Grandmothers usually do,” I said, smiling at him.

  “Does your nana make you cookies?” he asked.

  I hadn’t thought about my grandmother in a while, but in that moment I could smell her clean island scent, the ocean air, and it made me tingle inside.

  “No, she doesn’t, not anymore, but she used to when she was alive.”

  “Your nana died?” he asked.

  “Yes, she did.”

  “That sucks,” he said, slouching down in the chair, kicking the air.

  “Yeah, it does,” I said, my voice somber.

  We sat there in silence for a moment, but it didn’t last.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  I was startled by the question.

  “No, I don’t,” I said, sharp in my response. I was shocked that I answered honestly. If I was going to turn over a new leaf and be truthful, I might as well start with him.

  “You’re pretty. You should have a boyfriend.”

  “Well, thank you. You are too sweet,” I said, trying not to blush.

  Scottie was starting to grow on me.

  “Is it complicated?” he asked.

  “Excuse me?”

  The kid was bold.

  “That’s what s
he always says. ‘It’s complicated.’ They’ve broken up a hundred times,” he said, throwing his hands up, frustrated.

  “A hundred, huh?”

  “Yeah, they aren’t very smart,” he said.

  “Well, sometimes love can be complicated,” I said, trying to bestow some of my womanly wisdom upon the child.

  “No, it’s not,” he said, confident in his answer.

  “Well, you’re too young to know. When you’re older you’ll understand,” I said.

  “I know all about love,” he asserted. “My nana taught me.” He pulled out another Twizzler from his pocket and started chomping on it.

  “Oh, you do? What do you know about it?” I asked, intrigued.

  “Well, one time I got in trouble… big trouble…”

  “What did you do?” I asked.

  “I broke Nana’s glasses, but I didn’t mean to.”

  “I’m sure you didn’t,” I said, mocking him.

  “Are you being sarcastic?”

  I waved him off. “No, no, please continue.”

  He rolled his eyes at me. “But anyway, I blamed it on Rufus.”

  “Who’s Rufus?”

  “Nana’s dog. He lives with us now.”

  I rested my elbow on the arm of the chair and used my hand to prop up my chin while he finished his story.

  “Oh, okay, I see. Why did you blame it on Rufus?”

  “Because I thought that she wouldn’t love me anymore. Plus, I don’t like Rufus,” he said, pulling another piece of candy out of his pocket.

  “Well, what happened?”

  “She told me that I shouldn’t lie, and she asked me why I did it, so I told her. And she told me that it didn’t matter what I did, that she would always love me because her love was unconditional. She said that was how we were going to love each other. Then she made me cookies.”

  It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I had heard in a while, but I didn’t think he really understood what it meant.

  I sat up in my seat.

  “Well, your nana was right. But do you know what that means, Scottie? Do you understand it? Unconditional love?”