by David Bickel
“You ever notice that normal human beings don’t let their eyebrows grow all wild and Grinch-like, especially when they know they’re gonna be on TV every week for sixty years?”
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.55
One of Andy’s eyebrows is getting away!
OPERA SINGERS
Nobody can deny that these are talented people. Being something of a saloon singer myself, I have nothing but respect for these artists. But do they have to wear all that makeup? And honestly, when the company is going on a Taco Bell run, would it kill them to say “No, thanks” once in a while?
Plus, they usually sing in some foreign language.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.55
Greta is muIling an offer from Jenny Craig.
KIDS ON LEASHES
I’ve never won Parent of the Year,* but I do know that putting your kids on a leash is a sure way to screw them up big time. Think about it—who is generally on a leash?
Dogs
People who practice S&M
Now I love dogs and I love S&M (but hardly ever at the same time). What I don’t love is seeing kids being pulled into the Cinnabon by a woman who looks like the mother from Million Dollar Baby.
If you want to leash your kids, do us a favor: Keep it at home, where it belongs.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.68
Katie is constantly stopping to sniff other toddlers’ butts.
*I was awarded World’s Greatest Dad by my son when he was five, but I ended up smashing the mug against the wall when he wouldn’t finish his baby carrots.
THE UNCLE WIGGILY GAME
Somehow, people remember this game fondly. Not me. Here’s why:
I’ve learned the hard way that saying “Hey, kids, let’s play the Uncle Wiggily Game” can get you on the sexual predators list.
The game is full of rhymes. You know what else is full of rhymes? Witches’ spells.
Uncle Wiggily is a rabbit in a top hat. Where does a rabbit get a top hat? From the magician he killed.
Uncle Wiggily sucks.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.62
Added bonus—now also a choking hazard!
DAVEY AND GOLIATH
A Claymation show about a religious kid and his talking dog produced by the Lutheran church.
Nah, not creepy at all.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.18
“Gee, Davey, you know the Jews control the world financial market.”
GUYS WHO LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS
(WHO AREN’T THE ACTUAL SANTA CLAUS)
One of the greatest ironies is that a random guy who looks like Santa Claus is actually the last person on Earth you’d want anywhere near your kid.
Much less let them sit on his lap.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.07
Ed hopes you realize that “Coming down your chimney” is a euphemism.
OLD LADIES WITH REALLY LONG HAIR
There’s nothing worse than when you see the hottie from behind and she turns around and you find yourself face-to-face with Cloris Leachman sporting Megan Fox’s hairdo.
I guess there is something worse: Making out with her anyway.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.47
Yet another Crystal Gayle wannabe.
MEN WITH VASTLY UNREALISTIC DYED HAIR
When our forefathers invented Just For Men, their goal wasn’t to shock or upset; no, they wanted to help society by adding a subtle, slightly darker hue to assist gray-haired gentlemen in looking a little bit younger (and, naturally, help them get laid). Noble intentions, indeed.
Unfortunately, the idea of “subtle” has gotten away from some fellas. The result? Creepy-looking eighty-year-olds with jet-black hair. Usually accompanied by jet-black eyebrows and the dreaded jet-black beard.
Here’s the tough truth, Grandpa: Not one person is looking at you with your crazy Kiwi-shoe-polish hair and saying, “Say, who is that young hotshot? A college lad, perhaps?”
And, scariest thought of all, have they made the carpet match the drapes?
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.10
In the words of the immortal Bernard Pivot: “Sacrebleu, that eez a bad dye job!”
ANY HALF PERSON/ HALF ANIMAL
I was sitting around with a bunch of my friends watching a baseball game when my buddy Dennis, out of nowhere, in a soft southern drawl said:
“Any half person/half animal… I hate that shit.”
Naturally, it quieted the room since we were talking about the Mets middle relief at the time, but it struck us, despite how random the statement was, that it was true: We all hate that shit.
The Minotaur, the centaur, the Sphinx—all really, really creepy.
And I have to agree with what Dennis later said:
“I’m glad they’re all extinct.”
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.99
Excuse me half man/half horse/half bird/half fish — you forgot your arrow.
THE DRIVE TO THE SERVICE STATION WITH THE TOW-TRUCK GUY
Sure, you try to fill the time with small talk:
“So, you fix a lot of flat tires, huh? That’s awesome.”
But all the while you’re thinking this:
“Please don’t take me into the woods, chop me up, and bury me in a shallow grave.”
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.50
Pete is in a hurry to kill this guy and get home in time to catch Idol.
LILY TOMLIN AS THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE BIG CHAIR
Lily Tomlin gets the needle on the Creepiosity scale moving a little just for being Lily Tomlin. Now dress her up like a little girl. Then make her talk, for some reason, like she has a cold. And finally, put her in a giant rocking chair.
The only question is, why has society not put this right up there with Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Krueger?
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.16
Yet still less creepy than that freakin’ operator character.
PEOPLE WHO ARE FLUENT IN MADE-UP LANGUAGES
I took Spanish for four years in high school and I can barely order a chalupa at Taco Bell, while there are people out there who can recite the complete works of Shakespeare in Klingonese.
It would be easy to glean from the above that I’m a moron and that those Klingon-speaking people are ambitious and dedicated, but I prefer to mock them as weirdos and losers.
Bottom line is, if you want to learn a second language, more power to you. And if it’s a silly language like Klingonese or Ubbi Dubbi or Swedish, that’s cool, too. But showing it off to the world isn’t impressing anyone; it’s just making our †gik’thor* hurt.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.12
Q’Nom never misses The View.
* “Stomach” in Klingonese.
† It may actual mean “corkscrew.”
COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
I figured this one out on a school trip when I was in fifth grade: People dressing up in historical garb—and this is the crucial part—never breaking character, is a first-class ticket to Creepyville.
Look, I think it’s great if you found a gig where it’s finally socially acceptable for you to walk around dressed like Benjamin Franklin. But do me a favor, if I ask you where the bathroom is, don’t tell me “Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.” Tell me where the men’s room is before I pee all over your stupid knickers.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.06
I hate to see thee go, but I love to see thee walketh away.
RENAISSANCE FAIRS
Creepy people in creepy costumes re-creating a creepy period in history. Basically, these are the people who think working at Colonial Williamsburg is for “weirdos.”
But the giant turkey legs are pretty awesome.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.62
Richard Dreyfuss figures “An acting job is an acting job.”
GRANDMA CANDY
I’ve never been sure where grandmas shop for candy, but it can’t be anywhere in the United States. Here’s what’s on the hit parade of every grandma candy dish I’ve ever encountered:
Some
thing wrapped in colored cellophane in the shape of a raspberry (but tasting nothing like one).
Something way too small that tastes like licorice.
The round hard candy ball that’s the exact size of a five-year-old’s windpipe.
Is this a conspiracy? Why don’t old people stock up on candy that’s good? Does the AARP also own the Way Too Small Candy That Tastes Like Licorice company?
I will get to the bottom of this. I may have to seduce your grandma to get some answers, but rest assured, the world will find out the truth.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.10
Thankfully, Ya Ya used to screw Dr. Heimlich.
THE GOOD HUMOR MAN WHO’S A BIT TOO CHUMMY
In my neighborhood, we had the same ice cream man for the first twelve years of my life. Our relationship was very professional: I hand you money, you give me a Bomb Pop, and that’s that. I don’t want to know your name, you don’t need to know my name. A simple business transaction, nothing more, nothing less—kind of the kid equivalent of soliciting a prostitute (not that I would know anything about that).
But after he disappeared, along came Charlie. Fun Charlie. Friendly Charlie. Everybody’s pal Charlie. Charlie was like, “Hey kid, you want a napkin?” and “Please put the garbage into the dragon’s mouth, buddy.” In other words, a little too touchy-feely for my taste.
I’m not here to make friends, guy. I’m here for a damn Fudgsicle.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.16
Charlie’s freezer is also great for storing the bodies of kids with big mouths.
PEOPLE WHO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAMES WHO DON’T HAVE A KID AT THAT SCHOOL
Only three kinds of people without a kid at the school would go to a high school football game:
Group A: People who went to the school and still feel a connection to their alma mater.
Group B: People who live in the neighborhood and want to support the local kids.
Group C: People who are sociopathic John Wayne Gacy-esque perverts who like nothing more than to watch young boys in tight pants grab one another.
Since we’re always gonna assume you’re in Group C, it’s probably best if you folks in Group A and Group B stay away, too.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.99
Welcome to Gacy Heaven.
PRECIOUS MOMENTS
Does anything more need to be said than this?
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.95
Charlie and Dina are clearly suffering from postpartum depression.
PEOPLE WHO MAKE
THEIR MAIDS WEAR THE
MAID UNIFORM
Here’s the deal: If your intent is to make your maid wear the uniform because you want to sexually harass her while she dusts your collection of Precious Moments figurines, then I say more power to you.
But if you’re making her wear the uniform to emphasize the difference in status between you and your “help,” then that’s plain creepy.*
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.03
She has one arm and you still make her wear the uniform?
* It should be noted that I almost always allow my butler to lose the suit and dress “California casual,” except on special occasions, such as when my scrapbooking club gets together or when I want to impress my lodge brothers.
THE BLOWY GUY IN FRONT
OF THE MATTRESS STORE
OR CAR DEALERSHIP
A few years ago, someone got the bright idea to put an air-powered flailing stick man in front of businesses to attract attention. Besides the fact that this creature looks like a tortured spirit just released from the Lost Ark, let’s think more practically:
Has one person ever, in the history of these things, driven by and seen one and said, “I had no interest or need for a car, but after seeing that freakish monstrosity—hell, I’m gonna stop in and buy me the most tricked-out Kia they make!”
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.15
“Stab me. Please.”
HANKIES
Kleenex is a multibillion-dollar brand for a reason: They figured out that after you blow your hideous nose into something, normal people would much prefer to throw it out rather than save it (and get a pocketful of snot in the process). Lose the hankie, you animal.
And no, I don’t want to borrow it.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 6.81
Fred has also taken a stand against toilet paper.
CARS WITH TOO MANY
BUMPER STICKERS
If you desperately feel the need to tell the world you owe, you owe, so off to work you go, then God love you. If your gentle taunt of “I may be slow but I’m ahead of you” is absolutely necessary in your book, hey, more power to you. If I can read this, yes, perhaps I am too close.
One, two, even three or four bumper stickers is excessive but acceptable. But when the entire back of your car is plastered with them, you’ve gone from hilarious satirist to creepy weirdo.
Do us a favor and save all that comedy for your blog.*
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 8.84
I’m starting to doubt his other car is really a Lexus.
* Which nobody reads.
KIDDIE BEAUTY PAGEANTS
Ever since they were made popular by JonBenét Ramsey, these creepathons have taken over basic cable.
It’s always the same cast of characters: the sexed-up toddler; the overweight, overbearing mom; the tortured dad; the gay emcee. Singing and dancing their way into hell (or Orlando).
Are these pageants creepy? Oh, sure. Are they Season Passed on my TiVo? You betcha.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 9.04
Oftentimes Samantha makes promises to the judges she has no intention of keeping.
ADS IN THE PENNYSAVER
THANKING ST. JUDE
Without fail, in every issue of the PennySaver (and I should know, I’m a longtime collector), there are a number of classified ads thanking St. Jude for “answering my prayers and helping Timmy find his dog” or “for getting me that dental office receptionist job.”
Now, I’m no religious expert, but do these people really think that St. Jude is up in heaven playing gin with Danny Thomas, reading the PennySaver, and saying, “I’m glad Ethel appreciates who took care of those bunions for her.”
All I’m saying is, let’s keep religion where it belongs, people: in our public schools.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 7.61
Catch the latest issue in a recycling bin near you!
WINKERS
They make up only an estimated 2 percent of the population, but their creepy impact on society is a force to be reckoned with.
No, not Jews! (How dare you!)
Winkers.
It’s either used as a way to attract the opposite sex (although from experience I can tell you, I don’t think that’s worked since the 1940s), or, more commonly, as a nonverbal way of saying “Just kidding.” Some examples:
“I’m on a seafood diet—whatever food I see, I eat!” (wink)
“Hey, who invited this guy?!”(wink)
“I’m going to kill your mom and cut her up and bury the pieces under my barn.”(wink)
Here’s a little hint to all you winkers out there:
It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and trust me, you come off as a freak. (wink)
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 6.93
“Just kidding, I’m not gonna tell your wife we’ve been screwing!”
KNOCKOFF CHILDREN’S PARTY CHARACTERS
The truth is, the people who make a living going to children’s parties dressed as “Doreen the Adventurer” or “SquareShaped Yellow Sponge” look at the guy dressed as “Tigger” at Disneyland and think, “Someday, with St. Jude’s help, that could be me!”
And that’s just sad.
CREEPIOSITY INDEX: 6.12
In his salad days, Russell Crowe worked birthday parties as “Large Fowl.”
THE GUY WHO PEES IN THE
URINAL RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE
TONS OF OTHERS AVAILABLE
Public men’s rooms are bad eno
ugh as it is: You’ve got the guy who is way too comfortable pooping in a public place; you have the OCD guy who does everything with his foot like Daniel Day-Lewis; there are guys who hum too loudly, guys who fart too loudly, the guy who washes his face and dries it with the hot air blower; and once in a while you even get the guy who thinks it’s OK to brush his teeth in there.
