by B C Yancey
The wind howled angrily across the meadow as Lillian looked out her bedroom window while she straightened her bed as best she could with her right hand. Nightmares hadn't plagued her the rest of the night, but she'd slept fitfully, mortified she'd almost allowed herself to kiss Sawyer.
Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs at realizing just how narrowly she'd escaped. She needed to remember it would be foolish to give in to the desire, disastrous even.
If Kitty hadn't called out when she had—Lillian closed her eyes and grimaced, chastising herself again for her weakness where Sawyer was concerned. She had to leave. No matter how badly she didn't want to.
"Mornin', Lily!" Kitty happily exclaimed from the doorway.
Smiling, Lillian turned to the little girl, "My, you look pretty this morning, Kitty." Lillian went to her and caressed the light blonde curls that framed her sweet face. She had been quick to discover Kitty was intelligent for her age.
Her small size made her appear younger than she was, which then caused a bit of a startle when she opened her mouth and carried on complete conversations.
Although most of the things Kitty said were a charming mixture of her vivid imagination and reality, they always brought a smile to Lillian's face. Seeing her brought back wonderful childhood memories of playing with Maggie before her family had moved out west and they'd lost touch.
Kitty was the spitting image of her mother, except for her crystal blue eyes. Maggie's had been a stunning hazel just like Paul's that looked almost golden when the light hit them.
"What are you up to this morning?" Lillian asked as she squatted in front of her.
Kitty stared at Lillian and asked with a voice full of cautious hope, "Paulie and me was wonderin' if you'd go explorin' with us?"
"I'd love to!" Lillian beamed, taking Kitty's hand into her own as they exited her room. Paul came down the stairs, shyly grinning when Lillian smiled in welcome.
But, all three turned in surprise when they heard Sawyer yelling just outside the kitchen door. "I can't believe you would do that!"
There came a muffled reply as the backdoor banged open and reverberated against the wall, ripped from his hand by the intense wind that carried flurries of snow over the threshold. Sawyer stormed into the house, shouting angrily, "I thought we had agreed-"
"We agreed you'd look after them!" Doc Brennan interrupted as he followed Sawyer into the house, "I acted as I saw fit and sent word to track down Maggie's relative. What does it matter anyway? The sheriff reported she disappeared almost six months ago." Doc's face was tense with anger as he glared at Sawyer. "Seems to me, unless she turns up and decides to claim them, you'll get what you wanted all along; therefore, I did no harm!"
"No harm done?" Sawyer slammed the door shut with more force than was necessary, stubbornly blaming the wind, and tried to take a calming breath as he saw Kitty, Lillian, and Paul standing in the front room several feet behind Doc.
Clenching his jaw tightly, he turned to the insufferable, interfering man before him and hissed, "I'm getting a lawyer. These are my kids, and I won't let you or anyone else say otherwise!"
Doc silently fumed and ground his teeth.
Lillian greedily feasted her eyes on Sawyer as he argued with Doc. He stood at an imposing height compared to the shorter, older man. His legs were braced wide for battle; his hands clenched into tight fists at his side.
He wore a blue cambric shirt, the first several buttons were undone, despite the cold, and faded black trousers that he'd tucked into his tall leather boots.
His dark hair was windblown and hung to his shoulders in charming disarray. Without a doubt, he was the most magnificent example of dominant masculinity she'd ever laid eyes on. The fierce light in his eyes and tense angle of his jaw attested to the ire he was struggling to contain.
"Why is papa yellin'?" Kitty whispered, tugging Lillian's hand.
"I don't know, sweetie." Lillian squeezed her fingers reassuringly.
"Fine! Get a lawyer!" Doc ranted, throwing his hands in the air in annoyance, "I only had their best interest at heart, Sawyer, no matter what you may think." Doc grunted, pushing Sawyer out of his way and opened the door as he growled, "I'll be back later to check on Miss Lillian." He jammed his hat more snugly onto his head when the wind threatened to pluck it off.
"I want to see that telegram, Harvey," Sawyer demanded. He slammed the door and took a deep breath before he pasted a smile on his face and turned to Lillian, Paul, and Kitty.
"What was that about?" Lillian asked, not fooled for a second by the smile he flashed them.
"Nothing worth talkin' bout," he muttered as he shook his head. "What are my three favorite people going to do today?" He bent and picked Kitty up, twirling her around and grinning when she squealed happily, then kissed her cheek as he tousled Paul's hair affectionately.
"We're gonna take Lily explorin'!" Kitty chirped.
He moved her to his hip and looked at Lillian in concern. "You feelin' up to it?"
Lillian nodded but kept quiet. She'd heard enough to piece together that he and Doc were talking about her. But from what they'd said they didn't realize it, and hopefully, they never would; however, it hurt that Sawyer didn't trust her enough to tell her what it was Doc had done to anger him.
Unable to take his eyes off her, Sawyer couldn't help but notice the faint smudges under her eyes and the paleness to her skin. "It's getting nasty out there, looks like a storm's brewin'. I was coming in to grab my coat when Doc showed up."
"We'll stay close by and won't be gone long," Paul pleaded, "I promise. We just want to show Lily somethin' outside."
Sawyer hesitated then nodded. He couldn't disappoint them. "All right, but be careful." He tried to catch Lily's gaze, but Lily wouldn't look at him—was she thinking about last night in the kitchen?
He'd been struggling to think of anything else all morning. They'd stood so close that remembering the whisper of her skin against his lips had teased him to distraction all night and into the morning.
His jaw clenched as he tried to convince himself again that it was a good thing they'd been interrupted.
Lillian avoided Sawyer's gaze and looked at Kitty instead. "We'll be fine." She went and grabbed a shawl from the wall hook, bending low as Paul helped wrap it around her shoulders.
Kitty played with Sawyer's whiskered cheeks and whispered, "We found some baby kitties in the barn. We was wantin' to show them to Lily and make her feel better."
"You did?" His words escaped through smooshed lips, "I think that is a good plan, honey bear."
Kitty giggled and gave him a wet kiss. "You can come see them too if ya want."
"You go on ahead with Lily; I'll see them with you later." He set her down with a quick kiss to her cheek, smiling as she ran eagerly over to Lillian, who helped her into her coat while Paul grabbed his own off the hook on the wall.
She then took Kitty's hand as Paul ushered them out the door, smiling back at Sawyer before closing it behind them.
Running a calloused hand over his face and back through his hair, he swore under his breath. Damn Doc and his meddling ways.
Chapter Nine
The storm that blew in and still raged brought an end to the last remaining warmth from summer, leaving a pristine blanket of snow on the ground announcing in no uncertain terms that winter had made its grand entrance at last.
After grabbing his coat, scarf, and gloves, Sawyer went gone out with Riley, Durston, and John, to check on the herd; knowing he'd probably lose a few cattle from the encroaching storm if it proved to be as bad as his gut told him it would be.
They reinforced several windbreaks before being able to head home through the heavily falling snow. Sawyer then made sure the ranch hands had everything they needed to wait out what appeared to be the makings of a blizzard.
After deciding to stop for the day, Sawyer waded through the growing snowdrifts and made his way to the safety of the main house.
Mrs. Richardson hadn'
t made it out to the ranch and Doc had yet to reappear as he'd threatened earlier. Sawyer couldn't help but hope the man wouldn't come at all. He didn't know how much longer he could hold back from planting his fist in the man's annoying face.
Frankly, he just wanted to spend some time alone with the three people that had come to mean more to him than he would have ever thought possible.
His sister, Charlie, had sent word earlier that week that she was returning after having been gone for nearly a month. Her brief telegram said she was bringing a surprise with her and would be back by the end of next week if all went well. He just hoped the weather cleared up enough that she could travel safely.
Sitting in his favorite chair by the hearth in the front parlor, he watched as Paul and Kitty sat on the floor, putting together an old puzzle he'd found in the attic. Lillian sat in the other armchair, reading a book his mother had bought him many years ago and had never read himself.
A smile tugged at his lips as he watched Lillian, knowing she hadn't turned the page in the last fifteen minutes. If what she was doing was considered 'Reading' then he was 'Basket Weaving.'
He studied her, wondering as he always seemed to wonder lately, what had happened to have brought her to him in such dire straits a month ago? It still amazed him how drastically different his life had been back then.
His world had changed so abruptly and yet with such relative ease. It felt entirely natural now to be in a room with Lillian and the children like this, and brought to mind the loneliness that used to be his constant companion.
This afternoon, he'd come home from the harsh work and settled at the table to enjoy the dinner Lillian had prepared, as though it was the most natural thing in his world to do. She was an excellent cook, better than Jane had been. He smiled at the thought.
He was content. He just wanted to know who she was. The mystery surrounding Lillian ate at him. The more time they spent together, the more beautiful she became to him, but he didn't know anything about her other than her name.
After coming back from 'explorin,' Lillian had allowed Kitty to play with her hair, and it now hung in a loose, jumbled braid over her shoulder, held by a thin strip of leather halfway down its length. The clock on the mantel chimed half-past nine with a soft ding, bringing Lillian's gaze up from the book she held in her lap.
A soft blush stained her cheeks when their eyes met across the room and locked. She had read the same page four times before giving up and finally looking at him. He'd stared at her for the better part of the evening after attending to his dinner chores.
Did he have any idea of the havoc he was causing in her heart with a simple look? As she studied his face, she saw an emotion written plainly in his eyes that sent a panicked thrill through her.
If she wasn't careful, he'd see it reflected in her gaze. In desperation, she turned her attention to the children, praying her face wouldn't reveal the truth of the feelings she wanted to ignore.
Closing her book, she stood, "I believe it's time for bed, children."
"But the puzzle isn't finished," Paul grumbled, sitting on his knees.
"And I'm not even tired yet, Papa," Kitty yawned.
Sawyer smiled. "You can finish the puzzle tomorrow," He stood and motioned to them, "it's been a long day, and we all need our rest."
Kitty crept over to him. "Can we go see the kitties again in the mornin'?"
Sawyer bent and picked her up, turning to see Paul place the remaining pieces back in the wooden puzzle box before he walked over and joined them. "I imagine so, but it depends on if the storm has lifted or not. How many kitties did you see today?" Sawyer murmured as he led the way up the stairs to their room.
Lillian tried in vain to ignore the pain in her heart at witnessing his tenderness towards the children. He was a good man, with a kind heart, and he deserved to know the truth of who she was. But, what if by telling him, it ruined his happiness with the children?
She'd thought long and hard over the things she'd heard him and Doc discussing earlier that day and feared that if she revealed herself for who she was, it might cause more heartache where the children were concerned.
The best thing she could do for everyone would be to start a new life, in another town, and forget her troubled past, despite how painful it might be. She just needed to find the courage to leave.
Lillian placed the book she'd been reading back in its place, then straightened the kitchen up a bit before realizing she was stalling, waiting for Sawyer to come back downstairs.
Blowing out the lantern on the kitchen table, she carefully made her way back to her room and removed the sling from around her neck before laying it aside.
With some difficulty, she worked the buttons free at her collar, trying without success to lift her shirtwaist over her head.
However, her loose braid and the bandage on her arm worked against her, and soon her hair became so tangled around the buttons that further attempts at escape were futile. She'd either need to cut her hair free or try to sleep like this. Neither option appealed.
"Mind if I help?" Sawyer chuckled, knocking lightly on the open door.
Lillian closed her eyes in mortification, grateful the material hid her blush from his gaze. "Oh! No, no need to trouble yourself, I do know how to undress."
He ignored her and swaggered into the room to stand in front of her. "I can see that," He teased, gently gripping her elbow as he worked the sleeve around her bandaged arm. "Let me see what you've got goin' on here."
With deft expertise, he undid the leather tie in her hair, then threaded his fingers through the thick strands to release their tangled grip on the buttons. "How in the world did you manage to do this?" he muttered with a wry chuckle. "Hold on a minute, this is-" A few short tugs later, her hair swung free down her back accompanied by his whoop of victory.
After pulling the material up and over her head, she stood before him with only her chemise and corset covering her chest; the shirtwaist hung limply in his hand.
She was unable to tear her eyes away from his.
Sawyer stood close enough that their chests brushed with each rapid breath they took. Mere inches separated their lips as he bent his head closer, inevitably drawn to her.
The blouse fell unnoticed to the floor; the buttons clattered softly against the hardwood as his hands cradled her face. His heart hammered against his chest so fiercely that he was amazed she couldn't feel it herself.
More than anything, he wanted to lean in and taste the lips denied him last night. A simple melding of lips was all he wanted; he told himself; only long enough to quench his thirst of her—just one simple little kiss.
He didn't know what drew him to her, but whatever it was, it had been there from the moment he'd first seen her. Something about this woman spoke to his heart and soul the way nothing had since Jane died.
She stared at him, unable to form a coherent thought while his eyes seemed to bore straight through her and see everything she was fighting so frantically to keep hidden.
If he ever found out the truth about her, he would hate her; she wouldn't have even been allowed in his home if he'd known what had brought her here so badly broken. He may have seen her visible scars, but only she knew of the ones hidden inside that would drive him away.
"Thank you for your help," she murmured, licking her lips as she silently prayed for strength. "Sleep well, Sawyer."
If he hadn't been watching her so closely, Sawyer would have missed the subtle change that came to her eyes. He knew he'd seen desire, there had been no mistaking it, but it was quickly replaced by another emotion that made him stop short of pressing his lips to hers. Clearing his throat, he abruptly stepped away and gave her a small smile. "Sleep well, Lily."
He was gone so suddenly that she blinked in confusion and stared at the empty doorway, wishing she were brave enough to call him back at the same time she cursed her weakness for him.
The next afternoon, Sawyer stood in the barn, his body exhausted and cold af
ter a long day of fixing fences and tending to his cattle. Out of the corner of his eye, Riley motioned to the two other men before they quietly slipped out, and headed to the bunkhouse. John tossed his lasso rope on a hook and exited the barn.
Only twenty minutes ago, Sawyer had ridden back with the men when suddenly Lillian had appeared behind him and said, "I was married-" Her courage failed her when he turned to face her. "He...he died in February." She licked her lips and took a hesitant step towards him. "I wanted you to know that--that you're nothing like him."
Sawyer frowned and slowly nodded. Over the last few days, she'd avoided him as much as possible, making this sudden appearance and conversation more startling and out of place. "Is that a good thing, darlin'? Or are you trying to let me down easy?" He teased, not knowing how else to handle her revelation.
Sighing in exasperation at her inability to express her thoughts, she pulled her shawl more tightly around her. "No, it's-" she turned away with a shake of her head, "I'm sorry. Please forget this happened."
She braced herself for the cold wind and stepped from the shelter of the barn, walking back toward the house. The next time she got it into her head to try to talk to him about her past, she'd be better off locking herself in her room until the notion passed.
Sawyer stared at her for a moment, wanting to hear what she'd refused to tell him before—needing to listen to it. Hoping she hadn't already changed her mind, he jogged after her. "Hey, there, hold up now." He gently gripped her shoulder and turned her to face him.
The wind picked up the powdered snow and swirled it about them as they stood in the open distance between the barn and the house. Her cheeks were a pretty shade of pink as she clutched the shawl awkwardly around her with her right hand.
"So, you were married before," he asked gently, "and he died not too long ago?"
She stared at the middle of his chest and nodded.
"And I'm guessing that's why, whenever I get close to you, you look at me a little funny?"
