by B C Yancey
Even when she had stood before him and vowed that she would love, honor, and cherish him all the days of her life, and he pledged his vows in return; she wouldn't pretend that he loved her.
Lillian accepted that theirs was a union of circumstance, the need of two people who loved two small children in need of parents. They were lonely adults with wounded hearts needing some measure of joy in their fragile existences.
Maybe one day there would be love, heaven knew her heart craved it, and she certainly loved Paul and Kitty.
But Lillian refused to look too deeply into what she felt for Sawyer. It was terrifying when faced with what he would do when he discovered that not only was she Maggie's cousin who'd disappeared, but she was a woman who had been thoroughly soiled by an outlaw she hadn't been courageous enough to kill when she'd had the chance.
If she were to allow herself to admit she loved Sawyer, and then he rejected her and threw her aside—Lillian gasped from the pain that pierced her at the thought and tears slipped from her eyes as she realized the futility of it all.
She could say she wouldn't allow herself to love him, scream it till she was blue in the face; but it wouldn't make a difference. Sawyer had claimed her heart from the very beginning. She'd never stood a chance against him.
"What're you thinkin'?" Sawyer murmured from where he leaned against the doorframe to his room. Their room, she corrected herself.
Lillian stood, still dressed in the violet gown that had once belonged to Jane. Even after altering it as best she could and letting down the hem completely, and yet, it remained two inches short.
But it was the best she'd been able to do on such short notice. She glanced down at the dress, holding the skirt out as she wondered if Sawyer wished Jane stood in her place. Was it Jane he wanted to sleep next to tonight and every night hereafter?
"Nothing worth talking about," she sighed.
Chewing her lip, she decided she needed to get this dreaded night over with since there was nothing she could do to avoid it. The suspense of it all would drive her mad if she didn't at least pretend she had some control over what would take place tonight.
Two things were sure to be experienced tonight: disappointment and pain. Sawyer would be disappointed with her as Richard had always been, and she would experience pain.
The only difference was that with Sawyer, it would not only be pain from the marriage act itself but in knowing she was the cause of his disappointment.
Taking a calming breath, she removed her sling and turned her back to him, "Will you unbutton me, please?"
Sawyer straightened and swallowed. He hadn't expected her to be so business-like, not after the way she'd responded earlier to their kiss. Hoping it was just a case of nerves, he walked to her, ignoring the trembling of his hands as he reached out to undo the row of buttons down her back.
Grudgingly, he’d allowed Doc to look at his wounded hand, knowing it needed tending after what he'd put it through earlier that day.
While mending a fence that morning, he'd lost his footing and stupidly reached out for support, wrapping his hand around the barbed wire.
The force of his fall had caused the wire to rip clean through his leather gloves, slashing deep into his palm. He'd been absent-minded, remembering how beautiful Lillian had looked while eating breakfast.
The last thing he wanted was to lose his hand to gangrene setting in from not getting it taken care of soon enough. So, ensuring the other men were able to take over, he'd headed home where he'd promptly been distracted again, in a much more pleasurable way this time.
He couldn't help but smile as he remembered how good it had been to hold her in his arms while they'd kissed in the snow. That kiss had burned so hotly he'd thought for sure the snow would melt around them. He'd settled into it, wanted it to continue on a bit longer, up until Doc, and Abigail had come and ruined it all.
Sawyer had never been so infuriated toward another human being in his life, as he had been towards those two exasperating individuals. When they'd ordered him and Lillian to get married, he knew he had to walk away before he did bodily harm to one of them.
He needed to hit something hard, till he saw blood; so, he'd walked to the barn and imagined Doc's face as he punished the innocent wood with his already damaged hand.
It wasn't until he understood just what it was he was upset about that he'd stopped to take a breath, and realized how it must look to Lillian.
Maybe it came from hating being told what to do, but the heart of the matter was he was mad at being ordered to marry her; a woman that he wanted to marry and was willing to admit he adored, and there he was punishing a wooden wall for it.
No doubt she thought his violent outburst was because he didn't want her, when that couldn't be further from the truth. It had been an epiphany of sorts, he supposed, seeing his actions as she must have seen them.
He couldn't have her thinking he didn't want her. He'd struggled with wanting her from that morning her fever broke, and she'd looked at him.
That was all it had taken for her to get under his skin, coupled with seeing the way she was with Paul and Kitty, and then she'd trusted him enough to tell him what she'd been hiding about herself.
After the passionate exchange they'd shared, and the rapture of having her in his arms, it was as though he'd finally found something he'd lost. He was a goner as sure as the sun rose in the East.
If it was love, it was different from what he'd felt for Jane. What he felt for Lily was something powerful that made the very thought of being without her feel like his guts were being torn out, tied in a bow, and stuffed back inside.
Maybe it was love; he'd have to wait and see, let the feeling grow a bit before he knew for sure.
"You looked real pretty today," he murmured.
Lillian had looked breathtaking. His palms had grown sweaty as she'd stood across from him, reciting her vows.
He had no idea what she saw in him and had been astonished when she'd agreed to marry him today. But he wouldn't complain. She was right where he wanted her.
"There sure are a lot of buttons on this dress," he grumbled, cursing as his fingers struggled with the infernal things.
"Oh?" she smiled.
"I have half a mind to get my knife out," he grumbled. "Whoever heard of having-" he silently counted, then said, "twenty-four buttons? For pity's sakes! Who needs that many buttons to keep their clothes on?"
Lillian bit her lip, trying not to laugh as he continued to rant, "That's it! I'm using my knife!" He pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her middle as he whispered against her ear, "Would you be mad at me if I ruined your pretty dress, darlin'?"
Heart hammered madly against her ribs as she fought to breathe and struggled to form a coherent thought; in the end, she was only able to stutter, "Y-yes."
Sawyer pressed his lips to her neck, nipping and kissing a path along her sensitive skin up to her jaw, smiling when he heard her gasp. Wanting to look at her, he turned her around to face him. "Good thing I got them undone then."
He pushed the dress from her shoulders and off her arms until it hung free at her waist. Unable to stop himself, he caressed every inch of her skin with his mouth and hands as it became exposed.
She smelled like springtime; the soft essence of fresh flowers warmed by the sun. Her skin felt like delicate silk against his fingers and lips as he kissed and caressed his way across the creamy expanse of bare flesh. Had he ever experienced wonder and bliss before she appeared in his life? If so, he couldn't remember them.
Lillian had to remind herself to breathe. How was it possible a simple touch on bare skin could create such wonderful sensations? She sighed in pleasure at his lingering touch.
Richard, when he'd come to her at night, had never made her body shiver in such a way as Sawyer was doing now.
He'd merely lifted her nightgown, settled on top of her, and grunted a bit before rolling off and going back to his separate room. She'd only had to lie there
, knowing it would soon be over, the pain would stop, and she could go back to sleep.
Stubbornly, she refused to think about her experiences with Walker. Knowing deep inside, what he had done had been a mockery, defiling the act itself along with her body.
"It's different, isn't it?" she breathed, closing her eyes as shivers from his touch danced across her flesh. Was it supposed to be like this, or was something wrong with her?
Knowing what was supposed to happen next and yet not knowing what would happen with Sawyer, scared her more than she had thought it would. 'He'll know!' Her mind screamed frantically, 'He'll know as soon as he touches me!'
"What's different?" Sawyer murmured, his fingers threading through the hair at her nape as he pressed his lips to the pulse at the base of her throat, smiling when it fluttered against his mouth.
Licking her lips, she whispered, "Knowing what's going to happen next."
He raised his eyes to hers, puzzled by the fear noticeable in her voice. Cradling her face as he studied her eyes, Sawyer willed her to trust him enough to be honest with him, "Am I scaring you?" he whispered. His heart thudded hard; he'd die if he were to be the cause of the fear he saw.
She was going to hyperventilate and pass out at his feet if she didn't find a way to calm down. She had to tell him, if not everything, enough that he'd be able to know what she was trying to say.
Lillian shook her head and confessed, "I don't know..." The words stuck in her throat. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, "I don't know what to do. I was married, and I know what goes on between...but I don't know what's going to--I don't-"
Sawyer kissed her, stopping her panicked rambling.
A tearful moan escaped her as she clutched the material of his shirt and leaned further into him.
He held her face in his hands and murmured against her lips, "Do you like it when I kiss you, darlin'?"
Lillian absently smoothed her hands up his broad chest to encircle his neck and nodded, "Yes."
Sawyer brushed his mouth against hers, "Good, b’cause, I like kissin' you." He plied her lips with soft, gentle kisses and smiled when Lillian led him into a more demanding kiss. Her lips tasted of the sweetest nectar and his need to drink his fill of her took over.
He had intended to distract her from her anxious thoughts. To put her at ease and show her there was nothing to fear from him. However, it quickly ignited into a wicked promise of what was to come if only she would allow herself to take what he offered.
The joy of being in his arms again, to own his masterful kiss, was so strong Lillian proved unable to resist its hypnotic pull to respond. She matched the intensity he so easily brought to life within her; when he kissed her, nothing else mattered. He had the power to blot out all the fears of her past.
Lillian wrapped her arms around his neck as his mouth branded hers, claiming it for his own. She couldn't think straight when she was in his arms when he was bestowing such heated bliss. She needed more.
Her parched soul welcomed the passion he showered upon her, offering him her wounded and tainted heart and all the love she held for him in return — a paltry gift to be sure when placed before the bounty he offered so freely.
Sawyer's mind spun from the heady passion she elicited in him. He could drown in her and still never quench his thirst. His mouth devoured hers, demanding a response even as he offered her succor.
He clutched her close, one hand securely around her waist, the other cradling the back of her head. The fiery kiss they'd shared earlier that day paled in comparison to the inferno that burned between them now.
His fingers sunk into her thick hair as he ground his mouth against hers all the while fearing if he didn't get a grip on his self-control, he was going to scare her and they'd be back to where they'd started.
Gentling his assault, he gasped for breath and rested his forehead against hers, "There's nothin' to worry about, darlin'."
Her heart raced madly in her chest as she struggled to catch her breath. She swallowed and closed her eyes, "But what if you—w-what if I'm—broken?"
Sawyer shook his head and placed a kiss on her cheek, "Honey, if you're broken and still able to make me feel this way, I'm in more trouble than I thought."
Lillian frowned in confusion, "You mean, I'm not disappointing you?"
Sawyer bestowed a heart-stopping, dimpled grin and pressed her hand over his frantically beating heart. "You feel that?" When she nodded, he continued softly, "Does that feel like disappointment to you?"
Lillian blushed to her hairline and quietly admitted, "I was so worried-" Her words hung unfinished as she brushed a finger across his lips and traced their outline. How was this possible? How had she managed to find this wonderful man?
She licked her lips, and his gut clenched with need.
Tenderly, he kissed her cheeks, jaw, nose, and eyes.
Lillian struggled to remember how to breathe. She would expire on the spot if he didn't press his lips to hers again soon.
As though he'd heard her desperate prayer, Sawyer tilted her chin up, and with painstaking slowness, touched his mouth to hers.
She sighed and pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"Don't worry darlin'. Just kiss me, and we'll see where it takes us," he breathed against her mouth before his lips claimed hers once more.
Chapter Fourteen
"Shhh, they're still sleepin'," Paul whispered, soundlessly closing the bedroom door before tiptoeing downstairs in his underwear.
"What're we gonna do, Paulie? We gonna make 'em breakfast and take it to 'em in bed?" Kitty hopped down the stairs, making her nightgown billow out around her.
"Shhh! You wake them up, and I'll tan yer hide," he threatened, pushing his sleeves up his skinny arms. The fact that he couldn't stop grinning at his sister, thoroughly ruined his scolding. "You could make a dead man smile, Kitty," he grumbled happily, taking her hand in his as they went into the kitchen.
"What're we gonna make Paulie? I love hotcakes, and my belly likes bacon. Are we gonna make bacon?" she chirped with a grin.
"Stop yer chatterin'; you're gonna wake 'em up if you keep talking as loud as you are!"
Paul hadn't slept well last night. He hadn't been able to stop his worrying over whether or not Mr. Sawyer would be keeping him and Kitty around. Now that he had a wife who could give him babies, he didn't think they'd want them anymore.
He tried to put on a brave face so Mr. Sawyer wouldn't catch on, but deep inside his young heart, he believed it was only a matter of time before their new pa sent him and Kitty away.
All it would take now was a baby that was theirs in every way. He figured the surest way to prevent Sawyer from getting rid of them, was to work hard and not cause any problems. They needed to show that he could earn his keep if necessary, prove he and Kitty wouldn't be in the way when a baby came, and that they'd even be able to help take care of it.
Miserable desperation clutched his heart; he loved both Mr. Weston and Lily as surely as if he'd been born to them. And one way he hoped to show it, was by making them something good to eat. Chewing on his lip, his hands trembled as he began the task of making breakfast.
Pushing a chair closer to the wood cookstove, Kitty stood and watched as Paulie expertly stoked the flame, then turned to gather supplies for making the batter for hotcakes.
"I sure am glad Papa married Miss Lily, do ya think she'll let me call her Mama?" she asked quietly, casting worried eyes at him. "She might not want me to since my last Mama died."
Waiting until he was sure the tears that blinded him wouldn't fall down his face, Paul stirred all the lumps from the batter then looked at Kitty with a smile, "I think so, want me to ask her for you?"
Her blond curls bounced as she nodded and smiled, watching as Paul continued to make breakfast.
"Mornin, Papa!" Kitty exclaimed as she pushed the door open.
Paul carried in a tray with a mound of slightly burnt hotcakes and charred bacon. He'd milked Patsy him
self and watched Kitty with a concerned eye when she brought a glass brimming with the creamy white liquid. Hopefully, she wouldn't spill it and waste his efforts at trying to make a good breakfast.
Sawyer raised his head from his pillow, pushing his thick black hair out of his eyes and smiled at Paul and Kitty. He nudged Lillian awake where she nestled against his bare chest, kissing her exposed shoulder above the covers.
Drowsily, she opened her eyes, smiling when Sawyer placed kisses along her forehead and cheeks murmuring, "Wake up sleepy head, it's time for breakfast."
Seeing the children in the room, she was suddenly glad she'd put her nightgown on.
Kitty poked her back, "Lily..."
Lillian returned Sawyer's grin and kissed him quickly before turning over to look at Kitty, "What is it, sweetie?"
Kitty scrunched up her face, searching for the right words, and then in a panic, she looked to Paul who stood at the dresser where he was laying out the items from the tray. "Paulie!" She ran and grabbed his hand, "You do it, my belly's squirmin' so bad my lips can't think."
Lillian and Sawyer looked expectantly from Kitty to Paul.
Paul cleared his throat; his stomach was swarming with butterflies. He hesitated then said, "Kitty was wonderin' if you would-"
Kitty interrupted him, "Will you be my new mama, Lily—even though my last one died?" Her blue eyes brimmed with tears as she stared at Lillian. Her lips wobbled, and she clutched her hands under her chin to steady it.
"Come here, sweetie," Lillian murmured motioning her over, holding her arms out to Kitty.
Kitty slowly walked over; fear written plainly in her eyes.
Lillian patted the bed and whispered, "Come up here; I want to tell you something."
Obediently, Kitty climbed on the bed and knelt next to Lillian's hip.
Taking her delicate face into her hands, Lillian bent close, "Do you know how happy you've just made me?"
