by Maegan Abel
“You need to—”
“No! You need to be looking into people like the asshole she put behind bars and his family. They made all kinds of threats to her when she was testifying during the trial,” I said, not realizing how much of this I’d been holding in while waiting to talk to Detective Sanders again.
“We’re going to take your phone and go over the texts, okay?” Burkes asked and like Andrews, he waited for me to nod before he continued. “You need to sit and calm down.” They both stood and I shoved up from my chair, about to protest. “Hey. I’m not going to tell you again.”
I sat down slowly, managing to keep my mouth shut as they made their way out of the room with my phone.
“Great,” I sighed, pressing the heels of my hands against my forehead, settling in to wait.
By my watch, it had been an hour and fifty-three minutes of complete solitude in the shithole of a room before the door opened again. Detective Sanders sighed when she saw me tapping my fingers anxiously against the metal desk.
“I just found out you were here,” she said as she came in and took a seat in one of the chairs across from me. “I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to be called in until I returned.” She slid my phone across the table to me and I stared at it without taking it, crossing my arms on top of the table.
“Are they charging me?” I asked, needing to know if this was going to be my one chance to call and let Paige know what was happening. I hadn’t even considered the idea two hours ago, but sitting in this room was making me feel crazy.
“No, Zane. They can’t charge you with anything because they have no proof. You were free to leave at any time, they were just trying to rattle you into talking,” she answered, leaning back in her chair.
“What happened?” I asked, running my hands through my hair in agitation before dropping my arms back to the table. “When did I become the suspect here?”
Detective Sanders sighed. “When her parents went to the media. They’re making this infinitely more difficult for us by taking the investigation public.”
“So, what can we do about it?”
She frowned, pursing her lips as she studied me. “This is where we have a problem.” She leaned forward, resting her forearms on the table between us. I knew I wasn’t going to like where she was going. “Her parents are still considered next of kin. They’ve made a request that all details of the case go through them.”
“Fuck,” I sighed, leaning forward and dropping my forehead onto my crossed arms. “In other words, you can’t tell me anything.”
“Now that Conner is home, I can’t give you any more details that don’t pertain directly to him,” she said, trying to appease me. She wanted to help, she’d been on our side from the beginning of this mess over the summer, but I couldn’t ask her to risk her job. She was the one person around here I knew would work as hard as I would to get Lili home. And she needed her badge to be able to do that properly.
“Can you at least tell me if there’s been any news on Adam?” I asked, lifting my head.
“Still no sign of him at all, but I promise, I’m working on it. I’m doing everything in my power,” she said.
I nodded. “I know. Thanks,” I said, shoving out from the table and standing. “So, the best way to get updates on the case…?”
“Getting her parents to talk to you. The media is going to only give what they think will sell stories so be careful what you believe, okay? I’ll verify what I can if you call me, but some things…”
“Yeah. I’ve got it,” I said, heading to the door. On my way out, I spotted Burkes and Andrews. As much as I wanted to flip them both the finger for leaving me in there for so long, I let it go. The last thing I needed was getting detained over something else today and knowing those two, they’d do everything they could to keep me longer.
Chapter Six
Responsibility
“I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” I said, staring out the window in the kitchen as my heel tapped against the tile.
“Getting Conner back into a normal routine is for the best, you said it yourself. He’s not ready to go back to school, but you let him pick out the costume. Taking him Trick-or-Treating, doing something normal, could help him,” Kas said, trying to be the voice of reason.
We’d been home for almost a week and it felt insane to dress Conner up in a costume and parade him around to strangers’ homes. I’d never really thought of all the dangers in the world the way I thought of them now, but I couldn’t seem to think of anything else.
“Will it ever go away?” I asked, not really sure whether I meant it as a rhetorical question.
“Will what go away?” Kas’ voice was soft.
“He’s at the other end of the hallway—what, maybe seventy or eighty feet from me?—yet the anxiety I feel because I can’t see him, the panic edging up on me, it’s impossible.”
“I don’t know if it’ll go away, but I think it’ll ease eventually,” she answered honestly and I sighed, realizing my gaze was now on the doorway leading to Conner.
“I’ll talk to him, see if he’s feeling up for it,” I said, pushing up from the table and heading toward the hall. Turning, I glanced over my shoulder. “Where’s Tish?”
Kas didn’t meet my eyes as she sighed. “He had things to take care of today. He should be home later.”
“What kind of—” I paused when I saw Conner step into my line of sight. “Hey, buddy. Is your show over?” I started down the hall toward him as he shook his head.
“I had an accident,” he whispered as I got closer. I glanced down, noticing the way he held his hands over his pants. “I’m sorry.” His voice was a whimper and I looked up, realizing my confused expression might have come across to him as angry.
“Hey, no. I’m not mad,” I said softly, grabbing his shoulders and leading him toward the bathroom. “Let’s just get you cleaned up.”
He was quiet as I drew him a bath, leaving him alone once he was settled in, and heading to my bedroom. Kas, who must’ve overheard the conversation, had already stripped the bedding and was scrubbing at the spot with cleaner. Dropping onto the foot of the bed, I ran both hands through my hair. Conner hadn’t had an accident in almost a year, and even then, it was usually at night.
“He needs to be in counseling,” Kas said gently. I bit my cheek, trying not to get angry. I knew she was right, I knew Conner needed more help than I could give him alone, but it felt like just another failure by me.
“I know.”
“Look, Zan—”
“Don’t, okay? Don’t try to make me feel better about this. The truth is, I failed him. I keep failing him. And Li—” I choked on her name, clearing my throat. “This never should’ve happened to them. It never…”
The bed shifted as Kas sat down beside me and I could almost feel the added guilt before she spoke. “You think you’re the only one who feels like they should’ve done something differently? Tish has been going in circles trying to figure out whether he could’ve stopped it if he’d checked on her after she called and said she wasn’t coming to work. I’m constantly rethinking my day and wondering if I’d stopped and called her, acted on that feeling that something was wrong, would it have changed things?” She was staring down at the floor when I glanced over at her, but I couldn’t find words before she continued. “She was freaking out, you know. At work the day before. She’d just started to realize her illness might’ve been…” she met my eyes, “not just an illness. She wouldn’t talk to me about it when I figured out why she was panicking. I should’ve pushed, made her talk it out with me.”
Now I was shaking my head. “No matter what you said, even if you calmed her down, I still handled it badly. It was me who reacted poorly to the situation and tried to push her away.” I huffed a half-hearted laugh, feeling the burning in my throat as I fought back my emotions. “She wasn’t about to let me, though. She called me on it. She was pissed at me, but she knew I was scared and pushing her away, and she w
asn’t having it.”
“Sounds about right. She said once that the only way she could prove to you that you were worthy of love was to stay, even when it was hard. That’s what she was doing.”
I scrubbed my hands over my face, pushing myself to my feet. It seemed to take more effort to make my body do anything these days. Whether that was caused by lack of sleep or lack of will, I wasn’t sure. “I need her to come home,” I whispered, not really talking specifically to Kas as I headed to help Conner finish his bath.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” I asked, trying not to let the relief I felt show as Conner stared at the Ninja Turtle costume hanging on the doorknob. He took a step back, shaking his head as he leaned against me. “Okay. I’m not going to make you.”
“I’m sorry,” his voice was small as he looked down at his feet.
I carefully placed my hands on his shoulders, noting the slight tension in his body as I knelt to his level. I hissed a little and stretched my back, knowing I needed to work on my physical therapy more now that he was safely home. “There is nothing for you to apologize for, little man. I’m fine with staying here tonight. We can hand out candy together to the trick-or-treaters if you want.” He nodded, wrapping his arms around my neck as I lifted him carefully. I shook my head at Kas as we entered the living room and she frowned. “I think Aunt Kas hid the candy. You should go tickle her until she tells us where it is,” I fake-whispered to Conner, trying to bring out his playful side. I sat on the couch, allowing him to sit on my lap and fighting the urge to sigh as he shook his head.
“Well, I was just about to make some popcorn and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. Does that sound like fun?” Kas asked, smiling when he nodded slowly. She headed to the kitchen as my phone sounded, the annoying trill immediately reminding me Lili was still missing as I fumbled in my pocket for the device.
Seeing Kaitlyn’s name on the screen, I connected the call. “Hello?”
“Hey. Are you busy?” Her voice, though wildly different from Lili’s, was still close enough to pierce into me like a knife. I had to clear the lump from my throat before I could respond.
“No. Conner doesn’t feel up to Trick-or-Treating so we’re just hanging out at the house. Why? What’s up?”
“Oh, wow,” she said, sounding distracted. “It’s Halloween. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“It’s fine. Like I said, we’re not going anywhere,” I replied, knowing she could probably hear the discomfort in my voice. “Did you hear something?”
“No. I mean, yes. Well, sort of.” She sighed. “Can I come by?”
“Of course.” I glanced down at Conner with a frown. “We’ll be here.”
We watched the movie and the doorbell rang several with Trick-or-Treaters, though I couldn’t see them since Conner didn’t want to go near the door or let me up. He stayed planted on my lap, quietly staring at the screen, unless I tried to stand. Something was definitely bothering him and I knew I’d probably made things worse by not getting him help sooner. Kas was right. It needed to be my top priority now.
By what had to be the sixth time the doorbell rang, I didn’t even bother trying to stand or coax Conner into going to hand out the candy. I stayed put and let Kas handle the door.
“Zane.” The tone of Kas’ voice caught my attention and I glanced over to see her and Kaitlyn in the doorway to the living room.
“Hey,” I said, motioning to the couch. Conner sat bolt upright, staring at Kaitlyn as she came into the room. “Kaitlyn, you remember Kas. And this is my son, Conner.”
“Hi Conner,” she said, holding a hand out to him, but he didn’t move.
“LeeLee?” he whispered, almost too softly for me to hear. It seemed impossible for my heart to break any more, but there it was, the tiny pieces fracturing further at the longing and confusion in that one word. Kaitlyn looked up from Conner to me, her expression uneasy.
“No, buddy. This is Lili’s sister,” I started to explain, turning him on my lap so I could see his face. “Do you remember Lili telling you she had a twin sister?” Conner’s expression darkened, but he didn’t speak, just continued staring at Kaitlyn as she sat down on the other end of the couch. I mouthed an apology and she shook her head, letting me know it was unnecessary.
Just as I was about to ask Kaitlyn what news she had, Conner broke the silence. “Do you know where she is?”
It wasn’t all that different from the question I was planning to ask, but the firmness of his voice surprised me. Kaitlyn seemed just as taken aback. “I don’t. I wish I did, though,” she answered, her eyes sincere as she spoke directly to Conner.
“They’re going to hurt her. You need to find her. They’ll hurt her.” Conner’s pitch rose as he spoke, his body leaning forward in my arms.
“It’s—” I started, but he shook his head.
“No! You don’t know! You don’t know anything! They’re hurting her!” His voice raised to a scream as he struggled in my grasp. I released him, afraid he might hurt himself if I tried to restrain him. He bolted down the hall and despite the strong urge to keep him in my sight, I listened from the couch as the bedroom door slammed closed behind him.
After a nearly deafening silence, I finally sighed and ran my hands over my face before turning toward Kaitlyn. “Sorry. He’s…” I trailed off, not sure what to say. How do you look someone in the face and explain that your son is more than likely suffering from post-traumatic stress, but you haven’t gotten him help?
“He’s hurting. It’s fine. Believe it or not, I’ve wanted to scream and slam doors myself,” Kaitlyn said, smiling. The smile pierced straight through my windpipe, making breathing impossible for a moment. But it also felt comforting. Almost as if Lili was still here.
“Can you give me a few minutes? I’m going to check on him and then we can talk,” I said, standing when she nodded. It was an escape plan more than anything. As much as I needed to check on Conner, I needed away from Kaitlyn more.
It took over an hour to calm Conner enough that he finally fell asleep. He cried and begged for Lili, more upset than I had seen him since we’d been home. By the time I’d walked back into the living room, it felt like every part of my soul was shredded. I was at a complete loss as to how to comfort my son and to make matters worse, his pain was just echoing my own. I wanted to cry and beg for her, too. I needed her. I always had. Since the moment she showed up in my life, I’d needed her. It just took me a while to realize how much.
Kaitlyn’s news wasn’t good. Her parents felt like her and Denni being in Las Vegas was a betrayal and because of that, they weren’t giving either of them any information on the case. We were all being shut out.
Sometime after she’d left, Tish finally dragged in. He was in a piss poor mood and pretty much pulled Kas straight to their room after he’d grabbed a beer. That left me with entirely too much quiet. Paige was at a party with some friends from the college and while I was thankful she was moving on with her life, it was just more of a reminder that I couldn’t seem to find a foothold to catch myself.
After a hot shower, I climbed into bed, knowing it was too early, but hoping sleep would take me quickly. Of course, no such luck. Instead, I spent the next several hours staring at the ceiling of my room, reliving moments with Lili in my mind.
Just as I felt the heaviness in my limbs telling me I was close to sleep, Conner’s voice immediately had me alert again. It was barely a whisper.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah?” I asked, running a hand down his arm. He rolled toward me, opening his eyes, or maybe they had been open and I hadn’t realized it before.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and I could see the trails down his face from his tears. I leaned closer, taking in his swollen features. He’d been crying for a while, but must’ve been nearly silent.
“You don’t need to be sorry,” I said, starting to pull him to me before he stopped, pushing me back slightly.
“I tried to tak
e care of her. I did,” he began, babbling between hiccups as the sobs he’d been holding back started.
“Conner, that—”
“No! I said I was gonna take care of her! I said—”
“Hey, listen to me.” I placed my palm against his cheek, trying to draw his attention to me, hoping to stop his panicking. “None of this was your fault.”
“You don’t know,” he said, the words elongated through his tears. I started to shush him, trying to figure out how to comfort him in this. He struggled in my arms for a moment before allowing me to pull him to my chest. I did everything I could to keep my own breathing even, hoping if I stayed calm, he could draw it from me to help himself relax. It took longer than I would’ve liked for the sound of his sobs to dissipate to an occasional sniffle. Just as I was thinking he might be falling asleep, he spoke again, and his words chilled me to the bone.
“They did bad things to her.” I leaned back slightly, looking down to see his face. His eyes were completely blank, like he wasn’t seeing me in front of him, but something else altogether. “I knew she was sick and I wanted to watch her, but I falled asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I was in my bed, but I could hear her. She was yelling for me, but I was confused. I ran out in the hall but the smoke alarm started and I couldn’t hear her after that. I membered that you said to crawl if the smoke alarms went off, so I did. I could see LeeLee, but she fell on the stairs by the kitchen. Then there was a guy there and I got scared. They were both yelling and he hit her. I couldn’t get to the door, so I crawled into your room. I saw LeeLee’s phone by the TV and I stood up to run over and get it. I just…” He finally paused, blinking up at me like he was coming back from wherever he’d been. “I just wanted you to come home.”
