by Maegan Abel
I swallowed hard and looked down at the picture, sighing. “I’m pregnant.” The revelation bounced around the room and slammed back into me with the force of a truck. I let out a small sob, realizing it was the first time I’d said those two words aloud.
And they changed everything.
I woke with a gasp, shooting to a sitting position and hissing from the pain of the sudden movement. I wasn’t sure what yanked me from sleep, or if it was something in my dreams, but my heart was racing and as ridiculous as it was, I fought the urge to hide.
I noted briefly that I was alone in the bed before pressing my fingers into my eyes to rub them. I needed to calm down. It was fine. I was fine. I knew where I was and why I was here.
It didn’t work.
Just as I started to slide out of the bed, the door opened and Tony stepped in. His hair was still disheveled and he didn’t look like he’d gotten much sleep. I glanced at the clock; it was already almost two in the afternoon. I’d slept for over twelve hours. Wow. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept that long.
“Damn. If I’d known your bed was such a black hole I might’ve stayed all those times you asked me to,” I joked, stretching carefully. When Tony didn’t laugh, I looked up at him again. He wasn’t meeting my eyes.
“What?” I asked, trying to gauge his weird mood.
“Okay, don’t get mad—”
“Nothing good comes after that statement,” I said flatly. “What did you do?”
“While you were in the shower last night, I called Tish to let him know you were okay.”
I groaned, dropping my head. It was the right thing to do and I’d almost asked Tony if I could borrow his phone to do it myself last night, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to. Not after what I’d said. While the jab was meant for Zane, Tish had been sideswiped in the process. Olivia was his sister too and my bringing her up had to hurt him.
“Thank you for letting him know,” I mumbled, knowing I needed to let Tony off the hook.
He made a noise of acknowledgment but it wasn’t exactly comforting. I looked up at him again, finding his face pained.
“What? There’s more?” I asked cautiously, not sure I wanted to know. If Tish had told him to tell me to fuck off and never come home…well, I’d deserve as much, but it didn’t mean I was prepared to hear it.
“He came by to talk to you.”
My stomach dropped, causing my head to spin. “What?”
“He’s here. He wants to talk to you.”
My heart constricted painfully in my chest. I had to face him, I knew that, but I didn’t know if I was ready.
The bed shifted as Tony sat beside me, his crutches clanking as he pushed them to one side.
“Is he pissed?” I asked, finally lifting my head.
“No. He seems worried about you.”
I nodded. “Tell him I’ll be out in a few minutes?” I asked, standing slowly as Tony pointed to the top drawer of his dresser by the door.
“There are some cutoff sweats in there. They’ll be too big but you should be able to tie them. Let me know if you need anything else.” He carefully maneuvered his way out of the room again, leaving me to get dressed.
I pulled on a pair of the shorts, which were closer to pants on me, and slipped into the bathroom to wash my face. Lacking a toothbrush, I grabbed the mouthwash and swished some around while tugging my hair into a loose knot on the back of my head.
As I started down the hall, the sound of Tish’s voice stopped me. I listened for a moment, relaxing as I realized he and Tony were talking about work. Relief was a silly thing to feel considering Tony would probably hear the conversation Tish and I were about to have anyway.
Stepping into the living room, I didn’t dare lift my eyes from the floor. When Tish cleared his throat, I tilted my chin upward in acknowledgment.
“Lee?” he asked, and just the sound of the name stabbed through me. I knew what he wanted but I had to force myself to look up. I couldn’t meet his eyes for long. My body was straining, trembling from the tension as I waited for…what? What did I honestly think was coming?
“Can we talk for a minute?” he asked, and I nodded, moving further into the room and taking a seat on the other end of the couch.
Tony wrestled back to his feet. “I’m gonna go take a shower. Give you guys some privacy,” he said, squeezing my shoulder as he passed.
A part of me wanted to ask him to stay, but the rest of me worried he would push me away if he knew what I’d done. What she’d done. I’d tried to justify it in my head, but it didn’t matter. In the end, it was all me.
The silence was killing me. I listened as the water started in the bathroom, wondering how difficult it was to shower with a cast on one leg. Tony hadn’t complained once. I felt my eyes burning as the guilt of Tony’s injuries compounded on top of everything else and I finally let go.
“Say it.” I didn’t bother to hide my tears from Tish.
“Say what?” he asked, sounding more resigned than anything. “That your little scene was a bit over the top?” Tish eyed me but I still couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “That was completely unnecessary.”
“Unnecessary?” I asked, confused. It was callous, vicious, and over the top. That much I could admit to. I didn’t want to justify what I’d done but I didn’t want to lose sight of what I’d found either. “I see. So, I should’ve just waited for the explanation? Stood there while I listened to my sister and best friend, the man I trusted with my life, tell me how everyone forgot about my existence and just moved on without me?” My voice was almost unrecognizable through the sobs. “I’m sorry for what I said, okay? I hate myself. More than you know. But…” I lost steam on my argument, hating this whole conversation already.
“Christ, Lee, no one forgot about you for a fucking second. Do you honestly think that? We all missed you. Every. Single. Day. Zane never stopped trying to get information from me about where you were.”
I scoffed and he lifted an eyebrow at me as I finally met his eyes. “I’m sure he was trying hard to find information on me while his dick was in my sister.”
“It didn’t happen.” He sighed again. “They got drunk after a news article came out saying the police found a body and your parents were on their way to West Texas somewhere to identify it. He was going nuts because your folks had cut him out of everything. They had the media snowed into thinking he was involved in your murder. He didn’t get a moment of peace from any of it.” He paused, but I didn’t speak, allowing his words to sink in as I tried to find a way to make myself feel like it was the truth. “He thought he’d lost you and you know what he’s like when he’s floating aimlessly that way. You grounded him and then you were gone. He didn’t know how to handle it.”
The worst part of knowing someone so well you can almost anticipate their reactions to anything is knowing when they’re going to react poorly. I could see it, as much as I didn’t want to, and I hated it.
“That doesn’t make it okay,” I whispered, forcing the words out through gritted teeth.
“No. It doesn’t. But did your little outburst in the kitchen really make you feel any better? I mean, fuck, you are the only person he’s opened up to about Olivia since she died and you had to go and throw it back in his face.”
I ran both hands into my hair, pulling my knees up as I let out another sob. “I don’t know what’s happening to me,” I admitted, ignoring the pain as I did my best to curl in on myself. I could feel myself wanting to shut down, a part of me wanting so desperately to give in and not feel all of the pain but I was terrified of who I would hurt next if I did.
“Hey. Come here,” Tish said soothingly, offering an arm. Physical contact still wasn’t entirely comfortable but in the moment, I feared that if I didn’t allow him to, I might lose myself to her. Leaning into his side, I felt his arm go around me as I took my time pulling myself together again.
“I know I need to apologize to him, and I promise I will
, but I think for right now, I need to stay here,” I said when I’d calmed down some. “I just…I need to figure things out and I honestly don’t think I’m ready to face him yet.”
He blew out a resigned breath. “That’ll piss him off. You running off to another guy to find your own comfort.” The emphasis irritated me.
“I’m not going to fuck Tony, if that’s what you’re implying. Unlike Zane, I can control myself.” Another low blow and I sighed, hating that I jumped right into another jab. It proved my point. I wasn’t ready. “Besides, he doesn’t need to get pissed off about where I am because you’re not going to tell him.”
I knew Tish was unaware of the relationship I’d had with Tony, just like everyone else, but I also knew he wouldn’t protest me staying here. He obviously trusted Tony to watch out for me since he stayed behind and allowed him to come after me when they found out where I was.
When Tony came out of the bathroom, he and Tish moved to the kitchen to talk. It felt weird, just like everything else, knowing they were discussing me just a room away. Was I really going crazy? I couldn’t exactly explain what was happening to me.
“Lee?” I glanced over my shoulder at Tish. “Tony said it’s fine for you to stay. I’ll bring by some clothes and stuff for you tomorrow, okay?”
“I don’t want him coming over here. I’m not ready to see him,” I said, keeping my eyes locked on Tish so he knew I was serious.
He sighed. “I know. I won’t tell him right now. You can have your space. Just promise me something?”
I lifted an eyebrow. “What?”
“Don’t run. Don’t leave without giving me the chance to talk to you. To at least tell you bye.” Tish’s eyes looked pained. As hard as I wanted to be, his concern over losing me again broke through. I nodded before dropping my head.
“You’re important to me, Lee.”
“I know. Thank you,” I whispered, wanting to give him a hug but hesitating. He’d held onto me while I cried just minutes ago but like with everyone else here, I felt that same overwhelmingly large gap between who we were now and who we used to be.
I glanced up as he turned toward the door. Tony was waiting and they nodded to one another before Tony locked the door behind him. We listened to the start of a car engine and didn’t speak when the sound drifted off into the distance.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Regrets
Zane
The house was almost eerily silent in contrast of the last few days. Conner had seemed distraught as I put him to bed, Lili’s sudden absence making things difficult to explain to him. Tomorrow would probably be worse.
I wish she’d never come home.
It wasn’t the first time I’d wished that in the last twenty-four hours, but it also didn’t feel entirely true. Christmas was supposed to be our chance to celebrate. Our family was home and safe. Instead, it was somber, most of us putting on a show for Conner’s benefit while lost in our own emotional turmoil.
At least, I knew I was.
“Hey,” Tish said, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. I wondered how long he’d been watching me. “I was gonna offer to grab you a drink on my way to the kitchen but you already have one.”
I glanced down at the beer bottle in my hand. It was still full. I’d been picking at the label for the last fifteen minutes, trying to talk myself into drinking it. I was starting to feel like alcohol was my go-to when I was stressed and looking back at the mess I’d made of my life, I could see a pattern.
“You can have this one if you want it,” I said, offering the bottle to Tish. He took it and dropped into the recliner.
Just as I considered heading to my bedroom so I didn’t have to make small talk, I heard the front door and glanced over as Paige walked into the living room.
“What are you doing home? I thought you weren’t coming back until…” I trailed off as I noticed the beat-up red book she was holding to her chest. I groaned as she sat down beside me. “I’m not doing this. Not tonight,” I said, starting to stand. Paige reached out for me.
“It’s Christmas. You don’t have to talk, but at least sit here with us,” Paige pleaded, her eyes already shining with tears. Guilt. More motherfucking guilt. More than anything, I wished I’d drank that beer. Or maybe the remaining tequila on top of the fridge.
Slowly, I lowered myself back to the couch, clenching my jaw in an attempt to keep myself calm. I didn’t do this. I didn’t share these moments with them. I didn’t know how to handle it.
Paige gave me a small smile and turned her attention to Tish, who had moved to the other side of her on the couch.
“This is the first Christmas we’ve gotten to do this in person for a while.” She let out a soft laugh and I heard Tish’s exhale.
Paige opened the photo album—the only one that existed from our childhood—and she and Tish both laughed at the picture she’d opened it to. I looked away, refusing to glance at whatever it was.
“One of my favorite things about Liv was that smile,” Tish said and I did my best to tune him out as pain lanced straight through me. “She would use that to get whatever she wanted. Hell, she had me wrapped around her finger the second they brought her home from the hospital.”
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees as I pressed my fingers into my temples, squeezing my eyes shut like that could stop me from hearing them.
“I remember one time, she took me to get ice cream and I really wanted M&M’s and sprinkles on mine, but she didn’t have enough money for both. She smiled at the guy working behind the counter and that was all it took. He gave us our ice cream for free every time we came into the store after that.” Paige took a deep breath. A sound like a laugh came with the tears, followed by a laugh from Tish.
“Sounds about right. Fuck. I missed so much. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I’d handled them better, more like she did…” Tish sounded like he was crying now, too. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take much more of this.
“You did the best thing for you. I never blamed you for that. I wished so many times that some lawmaker would change the rules and make it to where I could move out at whatever age I was at that time. I wanted to run away so many times,” Paige admitted, and it was too much. Too far. I shoved up from the couch, hell bent on getting to the tequila. I had to do something.
I made it to the kitchen and snatched the tequila, gasping a little in surprise at the pain that bolted from my back. My hands were trembling too much to even have a chance to catch the bottle before it smashed against the tile.
I was on my knees, and then on my ass, my back against the refrigerator as the first sobs broke free. Hands were on me, arms around me. They both followed me, but I couldn’t think of what to say. I wanted to tell them to go, to leave me alone and let me deal with this in my own way, but I knew it was no use.
“I’m sorry,” I said, forcing my voice out. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
They were saying something, both of them, I could hear it, but I was too lost in my own grief.
It took some time before I finally calmed down enough to break away from their hold. I leaned back against the fridge, Paige beside me and Tish across from us. The tequila and glass made a mess, but I couldn’t find the will to clean it up just yet.
I didn’t want to lose this support from them—I really didn’t—but it was undeserved. They needed to know. If they knew, they would understand that I didn’t deserve to mourn with them over Olivia’s death.
“I knew mom was having an affair,” I finally said, squeezing my eyes closed and leaning my head back against the metal door, unable to watch their reactions. “I figured it out and thought if dad knew, he’d leave. It was my shot to be rid of him. For Paige and I to be free.” Her hand slipped into mine, but I pulled away, wrapping my arms around myself. “I made sure Paige was staying the night with a friend. I set it all up. I…” I choked a little, taking a deep breath before I continued, “I didn’t know she would be the
re. She hadn’t been home since she’d left for college but I should’ve checked. It wasn’t like I didn’t talk to her. I should’ve…” I gave up explaining. “It should’ve been me.”
“Stop it!” Paige’s voice was almost a scream. “Do you really think she would’ve wanted it to be you? Do you think that would’ve been okay with her? Or me?” Even though I tried to stop her, Paige threw her arms around my neck, practically planting herself in my lap.
“I wish every fucking day that I’d come back for the three of you,” Tish’s voice was soft and I finally opened my eyes. “I blame myself all the time for staying away.”
“Tish…” It was plea, begging him to stop—begging both of them.
“I wish I would’ve been home. I think about it and wish I’d been home. If I had, Olivia would’ve been hiding with me. You know the way she always used to make sure we were safe when they started going at it.” Paige leaned her head against me and I struggled to breathe.
“I miss her every day,” I admitted, scrubbing my hands over my face.
“Me, too,” they both said at the same time. We all gave a half-hearted laugh as the tension of the moment eased just a tiny bit.
“We’re going to be okay, you know. All of us,” Paige said, trying to make me feel better. I gave her a small smile but I didn’t feel it at all.
I wasn’t sure about her declaration; it felt like some of us might not be okay at all.
Regrets were something I had in abundance this year.
As I stood at the edge of rooftop, staring at the lights in the distance, I did my best to prepare myself to let it all go. The last week had been a whole new level of torture.
Lili’s words still rattled me. I was like a poison. I’d killed Lizzie by taking away the one thing she had left grounding her. Even after talking to Tish and Paige, I still felt responsible for Olivia’s death. That probably wouldn’t ever fully go away. And Lili… I wasn’t even sure I could explain what happened that night. The person who came into the kitchen, the one that spit those vicious words, that wasn’t my Lili.
