by Maegan Abel
I saw red. Any and all attempts to keep my mouth shut about her were long gone when she jumped into this conversation. “You know, maybe you’re right. I wouldn’t know what the proper protocol is in a situation like this. Honestly, he may be planning to pay for it himself but I wouldn’t know since I haven’t spoken to him in days.” I snapped my fingers like I’d just thought of something. “I know. Next time you and him are in bed together, why don’t you ask him for me? Probably best to wait till post-orgasm, though. Zane is always a lot more agreeable then. Of course, you already know that though, don’t you?”
Kaitlyn’s mouth, which had been gaping at my outburst, slammed shut. Her jaw tightened and she looked away in a vain attempt to hide her tears. She was still just as emotional as she’d ever been.
“Text me the information and I’ll make the payment.” Denni sounded resigned and she nudged her head toward the door. Kaitlyn slipped out of the booth and headed that direction but Denni paused to assess me. “I don’t know what’s happening to you, but I miss Lili.” And with that, she followed Kaitlyn, leaving me alone again. My eyes fell back to the water glass in front of me. I struggled to find my grip on who I was for a moment.
“Me, too.”
The next morning, I called and started the process for the test. A part of me, the weak part I was learning to ignore because her emotions were exhausting, was sure Zane hadn’t meant what he’d said. But I didn’t care. I was going through with it. And fuck him for even saying it.
Once Denni’s payment was processed, I texted Zane. He didn’t have my new number yet but if he had more than one woman sending him information about paternity tests…well, that actually wouldn’t surprise me. I frowned at the nasty direction of my thoughts. When he didn’t respond, even to verify he’d received the information, I considered blowing the appointment off, but I changed my mind. I wanted to do this. I wanted the proof in my hand, though my heart already knew.
The process was pretty simple and it wasn’t until I was leaving the building that I ran into a problem.
As I rounded the corner from the lab, heading toward the bus stop a few blocks away, I came up short as I almost collided with an all too familiar chest.
“Fucking perfect,” I muttered, immediately sidestepping Zane in his uniform as I tried to escape.
“Hey,” he said, reaching for my elbow as I passed. I spun away, not meeting his face as I waved a hand in the general direction of the lab.
“It’s already paid for in full so just…go fucking do it and leave me alone,” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest as I hustled toward the shelter of the glass enclosure.
It was bitterly cold outside and as I pulled out my phone, I realized I had a twenty-five minute wait for my bus. I sat on the bench and stared at the device in my hands, trying to force myself to stay calm. I’d been out and alone for over an hour this morning already so I’d be fine. I could handle this.
I jumped at a sound behind me and spun to find a soda can clattering along the sidewalk in the wind. Letting out a shaky breath, I pulled the scarf I’d borrowed from Paige up to cover my ears. I wanted to put on my hood, to hide inside of it, but something about not being able to see movement while I was stuck sitting here, unable to protect myself, made me too nervous. With my heel tapping anxiously, I gave in and called the first number I thought of.
“Yeah,” Tish answered and I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him until that moment. I hadn’t seen him in a few days but he had always been there for me and I knew he always would.
“I need a favor,” I said, not feeling worried in the least asking Tish for help. It was funny how that worked. The people we knew would always be there for us were the ones we never worried about.
“Are you okay?” He was immediately alert.
“Yeah, I’m just freaking myself out waiting for the bus and I was hoping you’d give me a rid—”
“Look, Lee, I’m kinda swamped this morning so if this isn’t imp—”
“Oh. Right. My bad. No, I’m fine. We’ll talk later,” I said in rush, hanging up quickly and powering down my phone. I felt completely unbalanced suddenly, the rug pulled out from under me as I fumbled the device. It bounced off my leg before hitting the concrete.
“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I scooped it up, thankful for the case, which cracked on impact but managed to protect the phone itself.
“You okay?” A male voice asked and I spun to find a group of three guys, probably near my age or a few years older.
I swallowed, but fight or flight kicked in before I could respond and I bolted, running with everything I had for several blocks and around multiple corners before I even started to slow to a jog. I was breathing heavily when I finally glanced over my shoulder, ensuring I wasn’t followed before realizing I had no idea where I actually was. Looking around, everything was completely unfamiliar, only adding to the panic of the situation. There were people, a few across the street walking, no one really paying any attention to me but I ran anyway, turning into an alley and darting around a Dumpster before crouching down and trying to catch my breath. My entire body was shaking from the exertion or the panic, I wasn’t sure.
You’re okay. It’s okay. Breathe.
Telling myself wasn’t the same as hearing it from someone else.
I wanted to cry, or that part of me that was overwhelmed wanted to cry, but I took deep breaths and stayed where I was as the panic receded slowly.
When I emerged from the alley, I was still a little lost but I had a clear enough head to walk to the corner and read the street signs. Glancing around, I spotted another bus stop about a block up the road. Checking the map, I decided my best bet would be to just get on the bus and ride around until it got closer to Nikki’s or the campus. Anything to get off this fucking street.
The apartment was empty when I got back in the late evening hours and I immediately dropped my purse and headed to take a shower. I’d ripped the annoying cotton ball off of my arm while I was basically riding all over town on buses until I figured out where I was and how to get back to Nikki’s. I’d never been one to travel by bus so I didn’t understand the routes at all, but having no job and very little money left me no other option.
A piece of paper on the small table in the dining room area informed me Nikki and Paige were going to a performance one of their friends was in and they wouldn’t be home until late. There was an extra ticket laying beside it and the note said I was welcome to join if I wanted.
I was exhausted, and hungry, and I felt beyond disgusting as I shuffled toward the promise of warm water and relaxation. Shedding my jacket, I dropped it on the bathroom counter and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I met my own eyes in the reflection of the mirror. I started shaking as I took in the changes. My normally dyed black hair was a dingy shade of brown except for the several inches of sandy blonde roots. My eyes looked hollow and the dark circles added to the dullness of the color. My face was thinner and I started to realize just how much weight I’d lost. The doctor who did the ultrasound in the hospital said he was concerned about my weight given the progression of my pregnancy. I was supposed to be going in to see a doctor and get on a plan to put on the weight I needed to for the baby.
I pushed thoughts of the baby aside when memories of the paternity test and the day’s events flooded in, focusing instead on my face again.
A bright pink scar ran from near one eye down toward my jawline. While it wasn’t as vicious as I’d imagined, it still marred my face and reminded me of what had happened. As my fingers grazed the healing skin, the scars on my arms caught my attention. I looked away from my face, allowing my fingers to travel along each mark until I reached the one crossing over my shoulder. Some of them were barely there, others were still as bright pink as the one on my cheek. I suddenly wondered what everyone saw the night I showed them my back in the kitchen. I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped my bra, kicking both aside as I turned. The mirror was too high and ev
en on my toes, I could only see the tops of my shoulder blades.
Knowing I was alone in the apartment, and honestly uncaring, I headed out into the living room, scanning around as I tried to figure out where Nikki might keep a step stool or small ladder. Surely, she had one. Everybody did. I started with the coat closet near the front door. Not finding what I was looking for, I headed to the kitchen. The small pantry had a step stool and as I pulled it out, the box of tools underneath tipped over, the contents making a clatter as they skidded across the tile.
I bent down, ignoring my shaking fingers as I started tossing tools back in the box. It wasn’t until I came across the box cutter that I realized what I’d actually been looking for. I continued cleaning up the mess, taking the knife with me as I headed back into the bathroom.
When I shut the door, I tossed the blade onto the counter. I stared at it for a moment before placing the stool in front of the mirror. I stepped onto it, staring at the wall opposite the mirror for several seconds before slowly turning my head.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Fallout
Zane
“We can’t do anything until the DA makes a decision on whether to pursue the charge. Right now, there’s nothing to fight.” The lawyer tapped his pen against the notebook as he glanced back and forth between Tish, Kas, and I.
Tish hadn’t wanted me to come, but I wanted to know what was happening. I didn’t want to be left out of the loop on this. More than anything, I felt guilty. Lili’s parents had pushed for a ridiculous charge in order to stir up trouble when they couldn’t land anything on me.
Harboring a runaway was a minor misdemeanor, but it shouldn’t be on Tish’s record at all. It was absolutely insane. And with them digging into what happened, I worried it would lead to more charges, which was why I wanted to stay involved.
Today, however, my mind was more wrapped up with Lili. She’d seemed so out of it outside the lab. After they took my blood, I even went looking for her to make sure she wasn’t still out there. I didn’t want to care, I didn’t want to worry about her. But I did.
“If you talked to the parents—” the lawyer started, but Tish cut him off.
“That won’t help. I tried that already.”
“What about the girl? She’s an adult now. If she went to the DA—”
“No. She doesn’t need to. She has enough going on and she doesn’t need to be involved,” Tish said, his voice as firm as it was when Kas tried to suggest this yesterday. He seemed uncomfortable, pulling out his phone and checking it for the third time.
When we left the office a few minutes later, Tish walked straight to his car, dialing, but he hung up almost immediately. Kas shook her head, saying something to him as I walked up.
“What’s going on?” I asked, feeling the unease from both of them as they looked up at me. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” Tish said, shoving the phone back in his pocket.
“Bullshit,” I snapped, gesturing to the phone he’d just put away. “Who were you calling?”
“I got a call from Lili earlier. She was asking for a ride and once I verified she was okay, I told her I was busy this morning.” He sighed and I could tell he felt guilty. “I was getting ready to walk out the door to head here and knew I’d be late. Or she’d end up finding out where I was going and I didn’t want to put that on her. I was going to tell her I’d pick her up this afternoon but she spouted out that she was fine and apologized for calling and hung up before I got the chance. I tried to call her back but she didn’t answer and now her phone is going straight to voicemail.”
I paced away from the car, trying to think through the frustration. “What time was this?”
“About nine forty-five,” Tish answered, and I shook my head as I turned around.
“It had to have been right after I ran into her,” I said without thinking. Tish looked surprised.
“Where did you see her?”
“Over on the west side. I…” Trailing off, I realized I’d talked myself into a corner. I hadn’t told Tish what had happened or that I’d asked for the paternity test after he’d been arrested. I just told him Lili wasn’t feeling up to coming over.
“What? What happened?” Now he was agitated. It wasn’t really my place to tell him about Tony and Lili.
“It doesn’t matter. We had a fight the other day and we ran into each other at a lab this morning. She seemed upset but when I tried to stop her to check on her, she snapped at me. It must’ve been right after that when she called you.”
“Was she alone? Where were you exactly?” He continued as soon as I gave him the cross streets. “She said she was waiting on a bus so I’m going to head that way and drive around.”
I wanted to go. I wanted to volunteer to drive or call the police to check on her, but I just nodded, stepping back. She was probably fine and back at Tony’s by now. I had to distance myself. Worrying about Lili every time something went wrong would be someone else’s problem now. The hollowness continuing to threaten me seeped in and I turned away from Tish.
“I’m headed to the house. Tom and Marna are bringing Conner back and I want to try to catch a few hours of sleep before they do.” It was a pathetic excuse but partly true. I was exhausted from the overnight shift, still trying to get used to the change in schedule, but I wasn’t sleeping well anyway. I knew it would eventually catch up to me but for now, I was just doing what I could to hold it together.
It had been the longest week of my life and more than anything, I was looking forward to a night off. Flopping onto my bed, I reveled in stretching my tired muscles as I reached for the small stack of mail Kas probably dropped on my pillow earlier. I flipped through a few bills, groaning when I saw the credit card logo on one envelope. I knew opening another credit card was a bad idea but between new meds for Conner and countless therapy appointments, cell phone bill, the other credit card, helping Tish and Kas with the bills even though they always said I didn’t need to, I couldn’t seem to keep up. The logo of the lab appeared on the next envelope, making me sit up.
It wasn’t like I didn’t know these results were coming but actually holding them in my hand was a completely different scenario. Kas paused in the doorway, leaning her shoulder against the frame. I watched her out of the corner of my eye before finally looking up. She must’ve been waiting for me to get home so she could ask about what it was. Every time they asked about Lili, I told them it was none of their business.
“Want to tell me why you’re staring at that envelope like it could end your life?” she asked.
Swallowing, I tucked a finger under the flap but didn’t rip into the paper just yet. “Because there’s a good chance it might,” I answered honestly. A part of me felt like I already knew the result of this test. We’d fought about her being pregnant before she was taken, but she’d also been with Tony and I didn’t know when that happened.
“Okay, I’m not buying the whole bullshit of you two needing space anymore. Something is going on,” she said, wandering into the room and sitting beside me on the bed.
“She slept with Tony.” I wasn’t sure what made me say it, or why I told Kas of all people, but it was hell not having anyone to confide in about this. “She and Tony had a thing for a while and then they ended it. I don’t know when that was, but she’s slept with him since then, and I…” I turned my head back to the paper in my hand. “I told her I wanted a paternity test.”
Kas dropped her head and I glanced over at her, not wanting her to feel guilty for asking, but she looked more confused than anything. “Are you sure? I mean, how did no one know about this? And what makes you think she’s slept with him since?”
“I overheard her and Tony talking. He was telling her he was in love with her and having her in his bed every night when she still technically belonged to me was killing him. When I asked her, she told me she’s fucked him,” I answered bluntly.
I started to tear the envelope, talking about it, hearing it out loud again, b
rought my anger back, making it easier to face the answers. Kas’ hand came out and stopped mine before I pulled out the paper.
“Before you do that, let me ask you a question.” She waited for me to face her before she continued. “What does this paper change? Zane, she was kidnapped and sold as a prostitute for months. If you aren’t the father, that doesn’t guarantee Tony is. Then what? You’re punishing her for what happened by denying that child?”
Her words made sense and I’d already thought about that myself. I’d told myself on New Year’s Eve I would never ask or treat the baby as if he or she were anything other than mine. But that was when the potential father was some nameless asshole who’d taken advantage of her. If it wasn’t me, then it could be Tony. And if it wasn’t Tony, then what? Hell, even if the baby was mine, what did that change now?
“This paper tells me whether I can let her go. If the baby isn’t mine, then she’s no longer my responsibility. She chose Tony. She went to him when I was begging her to open up to me. She ran from me straight to his bed and I can’t…” I blew out a breath, pulling out the sheet of paper and scanning the text until my eyes fell on the words I’d been looking for, the same words I’d been looking for on a set of papers almost identical to these a few years ago.
99.99% Inclusion
None of the rest mattered. The charts and graphs were there, all the explanations, but that word was the one I’d looked for on Conner’s test and hadn’t found. I dropped the paper to the floor and fell back against the bed, resting the heels of my hands against my eyes. I was the father of this child. The conformation was overwhelming and it threatened to swallow me whole.
I heard the paper rustling as Kas picked it up. She remained quiet for a while, allowing the results to settle in before she finally spoke.
“So, what does it change now?”
I dropped my arms, reaching for my phone.
