by Maegan Abel
"Enough," Kas said firmly, pressing her hand into my chest in an attempt to back me up a step. I allowed it, wanting distance between Tony and myself before I lost the final grip I had on my control.
"You're never going to be my kid’s father. I won't let that happen," I said, hearing the tremor in my voice from my anger.
"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Tony repeated calmly, lowering himself back to the chair.
"I said enough," Kas said, pointing to a chair across the small room from where Tony sat.
For the first time, I noticed a handful of people around us. I scanned them, my eyes automatically expecting reporters since that seemed to be the norm these days. Luckily, the only people in the room seemed to be other families doing their best to ignore the obnoxious fighting people in the other corner.
This whole idea, the concept of having to deal with Tony in the role of Lili's boyfriend, or whatever the fuck they considered each other, the whole thought of having him as part of my child's life, was infuriating.
I took a deep breath, resigning myself to the inevitable hell this day was no doubt going to bring.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I'll Fight
Lili
I was tired of hospitals. I'd spent more than my fair share of time at them recently and I just wanted out of here. Unfortunately, the doctor overseeing my care didn't feel the same way I did. I heard him say they were keeping me for observation, but I was exhausted. If growing a fetus wasn't tiring enough, fainting seemed to take it out of me. I dozed in between doctors and nurses, asking Nikki to stay but keeping everyone else out. It was rude, but I really didn't want to deal with anyone right now.
Waking up usually involved the doctor or nurse entering. As the fuzziness started to recede, I could hear soft voices talking.
"Do you want me to tell her you stopped by?" Nikki asked, sounding hesitant. She never sounded hesitant.
"No. I just…" A sigh. "I heard she was here and I needed to know she was okay."
My heart, which I'd thought was healing with the rest of me, fell to pieces as if the fragments were held together by nothing more than tape at just the sound of his voice. Carefully, I peeked through my lashes, trying to get just a small glimpse of Zane, but they were both looking at me. I realized my traitorous heart gave me away as the beeping on the monitor sped.
Caught, I opened my eyes fully, meeting his gaze for the first time in months. Seventy-four days, actually. That's how long it had been since I'd actually seen him. And though I'd spent so much of that time considering what I'd say when I saw him again, now that the moment was here, I couldn't seem to find a single word.
I'm going to deserve him. I'm going to win him back.
"I'm gonna go for a walk," Nikki said, slipping out the door and closing it behind her before either of us could protest.
Zane tore his eyes from mine, glancing over his shoulder uncomfortably, like he wasn't sure whether he should follow her or not. He let out a long breath and watching him fight the urge to leave was enough to make me wish I'd stayed asleep.
"I'm okay. You don't need to stay," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. Goddamn pregnancy hormones. Someday, I would deserve him again. Someday, I'd be healed enough and strong enough to fight for us the way he'd needed me to. Apparently, that day wasn't today.
I stared, trying to take in as much of him as I could before he walked away from me again. He was in his uniform, looking every bit as put together as I'd always remembered him being. He'd had a haircut recently, most likely before the date. Just the reminder of it was enough to rip my hope into pieces.
He sighed again before turning back to face me. He took two steps and paused, keeping distance between us. "Is everything…okay?" he asked, gesturing vaguely toward my stomach without looking at it.
I bristled, but took a deep breath, trying not to take offense. I knew he didn't mean it the way I automatically wanted to take it. I placed my palm protectively over my stomach, like I could shield her from the hurt. "Everyone?"
His eyes, which had been anywhere but directly on mine since he moved closer, finally locked solidly as he took in my tone. "What happened?"
I held his gaze, losing myself for a moment in my thoughts. Could he not feel it? That pull between us? Was it really just me? I wanted to tell him I was good, let him off the hook for whatever guilt or pity had brought him here and be done with it, but I knew I needed to be honest.
"My blood pressure apparently spiked and the baby got antsy. I have a weak spot in my spine that's still healing from an injury and the doctor said she must've connected with that spot when she kicked. I don't remember much. I passed out."
He drifted a step closer, seemingly unaware of the movement, but I was aware. I was more aware of that movement than any he'd made since I woke up. His gaze finally traveled down to my stomach. "She?"
I nodded, but he didn't look away from my belly. "She," I confirmed. When he took the last step, putting himself right at my bedside, I started babbling, doing my best to keep from breaking down and scaring him away. "I just found out a few days ago. They weren't supposed to tell me because I wasn't sure whether I was keeping her, but knowing she's a her…" I trailed off, realizing how much I'd just given away.
He finally looked back up at me, his brow furrowed and eyes guarded. "You're not keeping her?"
Now it was my turn to let out a ragged breath. "I haven't decided anything," I repeated, biting my lip before I continued. "My therapist seems to think I can handle it, but I'm not so sure. She says there's plenty of resources out there for…single moms." I stumbled when his expression shifted to shock and then concern. "You don't have to worry. This doesn't mean I'm asking you for anything." It came out sharper than I intended and he instantly tensed. I regretted it, but not enough to take it back.
He remained quiet for several minutes, his eyes on the windows across the room, lost in thought.
"What about your back?"
"What?" I asked, confused. Then I remembered what I'd said earlier. "It's nothing. They're doctors and I think they try to overanalyze everything that could go wrong. Now they're telling me possible bed rest until the baby is born."
"What are they saying specifically could happen?" he asked, his voice more forceful than the first time. There was also a hint of concern. That teeny, tiny edge in his words revived my hope.
"Worst case scenario, more damage to my spine and I lose the ability to walk," I answered honestly.
His breath caught and his eyes met mine. "You'd be paralyzed?" The intensity in his gaze and his words stole the oxygen from my lungs—from the room.
"That's not going to happen. But even if it did, it would be worth it. Doing the surgery now would put her at high risk," I answered, my voice barely above a whisper.
His fingers twitched on the rail of my bed as he looked back down at my stomach. He held up a hand and hesitated before lifting the other and running both through his hair. He blew out another weighted breath as the silence stretched between us. I hated it. I hated the careful distance and I hated that it was clear he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore.
"You can feel her. If you want. I mean, you don't have to, but I don't mind if you want to. I'm used to it living with Nikki and Pai—" I stopped myself at his sharp look. Obviously, he wasn't aware Paige and I were in contact. "Don't blame Paige. I'm staying with Nikki and I asked her not to tell you anything unless you asked. Obviously, you didn't."
"I was done," he answered, his voice as hollow as it had been the day in the shop when he asked for the paternity test. He took a step back, and then another. "I didn't ask because I didn't want to know."
"Zan—” I started, but he turned toward the door.
"I'm glad you're okay," he said without looking over his shoulder as he quickly extended the distance between us. I felt the hollowness of his absence already and I knew, without a doubt, if we were going to have any chance, I had to fight. And I had to fight now.
"You came here for a reason. Don't act like you didn't." He froze two steps from the door at my words, but didn't turn around. "Don't act like you haven't been feeling the same things I have. Don't act like you don't feel it right now." He still didn't turn around and in my silence, he took another step, putting his hand on the doorknob. "Goddammit, Zane! Don't make me get out of this bed and chase you down the fucking hall to prove my point because I will!" The tears were coming now and I couldn't hold them back. He looked over his shoulder at me. "You wanted me to fight for us, but I wasn't ready. I'm broken. I'm fucking broken, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm broken. This wasn't about you or my feelings for you, this was about me. From the moment I got back, it's been about me. I didn't feel…good enough anymore. It fucked with my head, they fucked with my head, and I came back to you and you were just so good. You were so good to Conner and so good to me, but I wasn't good. I didn't feel good. I felt broken. So much more than I ever had before. But broken or not, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wishing you were beside me. I can't stop hoping I'll wake up from this nightmare that's become my life." I paused to catch my breath, not taking my eyes from his for fear he wouldn't let me finish. And I needed to finish. "I won't stop hoping for us. You want me to fight? Fine. I'll fight. I'll fight every fucking day for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I love you. That never changes. Never has, never will." Through the tears coming in a constant flow, I could barely see him, but I kept looking anyway. "My heart."
He inhaled, opening his mouth to speak and the loud static of the walkie-talkie on his hip made us both jump. He turned it down, holding it to his ear to listen. "I have to go," he said, giving me one last look before heading out the door.
I dropped my head back against the pillows, covering my face with my hands as the sobs overtook me. Less than a minute after he left room, I heard my phone ding, announcing an incoming text. I ignored it, knowing it was probably Nikki wanting to see if Zane had left yet so she could come back and I wasn't ready to see her yet. I didn't really want to see anyone. For the first time in a long time, I just wanted to be alone.
A few seconds later, the door opened and Nikki stepped in, immediately making her way over to the bed when she saw me crying. So much for being alone.
"I saw him leave in a hurry and knew I should've stopped to yell at him. What the fuck did he do?" Nikki asked, slipping back into the protective friend mode after leaving me alone with him.
I shook my head, pointing carefully at my phone on the table, my mind on the text. If she'd seen him leave, it obviously wasn't from her. She handed me the phone and I pressed the button. Zane's name and NEW TEXT appeared on my screen. I wiped my eyes as I opened the text, too curious to spend time being nervous.
Mine, too, Pix. Always.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Suppose
Zane
Things had been quiet since we responded to the car accident earlier, but that could've been my fault. If Brittany had tried to start a conversation, I might not have even noticed. I knew she was pissed, though, because the Captain asked to see us after our shift. I was caught up in what was happening with Lili and we'd spent too long at the hospital. I was probably getting my first write up at the new job. If my life didn't straighten out soon, I was afraid I'd end up jobless.
Plus, I'd been completely distracted today and that was entirely not okay. I'd always been able to push things aside and focus on my work, but since I walked out of Lili's hospital room, I'd been thinking about her non-stop.
I shouldn't have left.
I should've told her I love her.
I should've said I'd be back after my shift.
I should've told her we could talk more soon.
Instead, I walked away. Again. But I was still in shock at the revelations she'd dealt out in that brief conversation.
She wasn't with Tony. She wasn't even staying with him anymore. She called herself a single parent. I'd spent over two months assuming it wasn't my place to worry about her while being angry that I couldn't seem to stop and she was struggling while adapting to life again alone. I rubbed my face, suppressing a groan as I checked my phone again. She still hadn't responded to my text.
"Hello?" Brittany's voice finally registered and I glanced over, catching her look of irritation before she turned back to the road. "I asked if she was okay."
"I think so. I didn't get a lot of time to talk to her and I didn't hear from the doctor, but she was awake and seemed to be okay," I answered honestly, pretending I didn't see the pained look on her face.
By the time our shift ended, things were more than a little tense between us. She tried to take part of the blame for our time at the hospital but I was upfront and honest, not allowing her to tarnish her record for me. I'd gotten completely wrapped up in the possibility of Lili being hurt or having hurt herself, I'd ignored everything else. Luckily, since our Captain knew the bulk of what I had been through due to the media attention surrounding the incidents, he was forgiving. Although, I did get a warning. On our way out of the station, Brittany stopped me.
"Look." She grabbed my arm, but released it immediately once I paused. "I get it, okay? You and Lili have this huge dramatic history I'm not a part of. I can't compete with that. I didn't think I'd have to or I never would've let myself start falling for you."
I frowned, seeing the hurt on her face. I'd put that there, put that false hope in her head when I'd asked her to come to Jackson's with me. Before that, I'd been clear. Fuck. "Britt, I had no idea this was going to happen, but even so, I never should've asked you to come to dinner the other night." She flinched, so I tried to soften the blow. "I like you, we're friends, our kids get along. In all honestly, in another life, maybe things would've been different."
"But it's not a different life. And Lili is who your heart wants." She blinked quickly, trying to hide the tears. "Like I said, I get it."
"Come here," I said, pulling her in for a quick hug. "Still friends?"
It was uncomfortable as I waited, knowing she was hurting but trying not to make a big deal about it. "Yeah, friends."
I walked her to her car, the guilt returning as she leaned up to kiss me on my cheek. Only this time, the guilt was for Lili. That was dangerous. By letting myself feel that way about her when I wasn't sure what she'd said today was completely true, I was asking to get hurt again. We had a lot to talk about.
When I arrived back at the hospital, it was well after visiting hours. Someone would be allowed to stay with Lili, but I had no idea who she asked. The thought of possibly finding Tony in her room made me cringe. I used my uniform to my advantage, and having already called Tom and Marna and asked them to keep Conner for the night, I was free to stay as long as she wanted me to. And if she didn't want me in the room, I'd camp in the hallway until I spoke with a doctor about her condition.
As I pushed open the door to her room, it was quiet except for the normal buzz of machines. There was a bit of light but it seemed like she was asleep. On my second look around the room, I noticed it was completely empty. No one stayed with her?
Walking in quietly, I started second-guessing my decision. Would she be angry if she woke up and I was here? Just as I turned to leave, she inhaled and her eyes opened, blinking slowly before focusing on me.
The small smile playing on her lips had me moving closer. She was happy I was here.
"Hey," I whispered, moving over to her bedside. "I didn't mean to wake you. I just got off work and wanted to make sure you were still doing okay."
She blinked again and squinted toward the clock across the room. "Damn. I didn't mean to fall asleep."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "That's a good thing. You should be sleeping. Your body needs rest in order to heal."
"Blah, blah, blah," she said through a yawn, stretching her body for a moment before her face scrunched and she hissed in pain.
"Easy," I said, coming over beside her to help her readj
ust against the pillows. "I just came by to check on you. Who's staying with you?" I glanced around the room again.
"No one. I told them all to go home. It's stupid for someone to stay up here and sleep in an uncomfortable chair. I'm good." There was conviction in her voice.
"I'm sure you are," I answered, moving to the other side of the bed and pulling the chair closer as I settled myself into it.
"You're not staying, Zane," she said firmly, and I met her gaze evenly.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to leave." I held up a hand when she started to speak. "Think about how many times I asked you to go home when I spent weeks in a bed like that and say it."
Her mouth snapped closed and her eyes glazed a bit before she looked away. I immediately regretted making her feel bad and was about to apologize, but she looked back over at me and gave me a small smile. "Fair enough."
Silence started to settle and the feeling was a little uncomfortable. I finally leaned forward, brushing back her hair so I could see her face better. "You need to rest."
"What does it look like I'm doing? It's not like I'm running a marathon." It was such a normal, joking tone from her, I laughed.
"You better not be. You could shake up the baby," I said with a smirk. Her smile faltered and her eyes fell to her stomach. "You won't be doing it alone, Lili." I sighed, the moment of levity shattering as the issues surrounding us took root once again. "I should've never let you think for a second you would be on your own."
She sighed, not responding, but I could see the conflict in her eyes.
"Talk to me. We can't get anywhere if we don't talk." I tried giving her a verbal nudge, hoping she knew I wanted to talk. About any and all of it. Her hand came up and carefully caressed her stomach. "Will you tell me what you're thinking?"
