by Jen Greyson
Ha! I wanted to shout. Shows what you know. I’ve been a runner my whole life! My hands shook and she took the shirt from me, grazing my fingers and squeezing them. My gaze flew to hers but she didn’t make a single move to let anyone know what she’d just done.
“What?” Cassidy interrupted. “What are you guys talking about? I think Sangria is great, bummer that Stuart is being a turd about it.” Cassidy was still oblivious to what was going on and I was glad. Right now I was wishing the rest of them weren’t as astute.
“Who suggested that you leave, you, or Stuart?” Rinnae asked.
I folded another pair of shorts and set them in the suitcase. I cleared my throat. “Me. Um, I brought it up, but Stuart agreed.” Mostly. Not that I’d given him a choice as I’d slammed out of his office and locked myself in my room.
While I’d located a suitcase and had started packing, I’d had time to think through the situation, and it was for the best. “There’s nothing left for me to do, and they’re billed for every minute I stay. It’s the best situation.” And was mostly the truth. The firm did have to pay for me to be here and I was doing work at the same time, so they were almost getting their money’s worth. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the girls all that.
Which showed just how little I was willing to invest in these friendships when I wasn’t ready to tell them why I was really leaving. Guilt curdled my stomach but I pressed on, folding another shirt until nothing remained in the closet.
“For who?” Rinnae’s words still vibrated with a frustration that didn’t make sense. It was like she was mad that I was giving up on something she was invested in instead of stepping out of the way so she could chase Mateo. None of their reactions made any sense. Didn’t they understand what my staying meant to the game, or was Kat the only one who did?
“For Ivec Productions, for the studio.” I held a hand out toward them. “Best for you.”
Cassidy wrinkled her nose. “How in the world would you not being here affect us? Other than not having you around for the fun. Things sure are exciting when you’re around.”
Rinnae glanced at Kemmerie. “Maybe we should head up. We’ll grab our drinks and you can join us after you get dressed for the dance.” She scowled at the suitcases, her fake smile turning into a sour sneer. “That will give you extra time to realize what you’re doing. If it really is the right thing.” She opened the door and left.
“You’re definitely coming to the dance right?” Cassidy asked. “Especially if you’re leaving, then we’ll get to see you before you go.” She bounded out before I could reply.
Kemmerie and Mandy moved in unison, flanking me on either side, their hands covering mine in the suitcase. Mandy’s voice was quiet, the compassion and care heavy in her words. “Don’t run Sangria. Fight for him. Fight for what you know is there.” Tears rimmed my eyes and I stared at the handle of my suitcase, afraid to lift my gaze, afraid to give the girls any encouragement to keep pressing until I caved. I didn’t know that there was anything there. For all I knew, this wasn’t real because how could it be? Mateo and I couldn’t exist anywhere outside this show. We were too different and I’d fallen for his charm. No matter what, I couldn’t allow my pride to stay and be manipulated, even if I did want to see what our strange friendship-slash-lustful-makeouts turned into.
And I was no fighter. Life had proved that.
Kemmerie’s other hand was warm on my back and moved in slow circles across my shoulder blades, comforting, soothing. Somewhere between my surprise arrival and now, I’d been gifted a treasure I hadn’t known for a long time. They were offering me companionship and support. I could have let them both enfold me in a giant hug, but I wasn’t about to make the first move. I’d never been a hugger, that was too close to an embrace and it had always been best to steer clear of both. But Mandy and Kemmerie had never required anything from me, and yet, they’d given so much kindness.
And I knew, beyond every other truth that I subscribed to, they only wanted what was best for me—and probably had a much better idea of what that was. My perspectacles were badly skewed, always had been, especially when it came to guys.
Mandy pulled me into the hug I’d been craving and I stiffened, then relaxed and let her hold me. Kemmerie hugged us from the back and I breathed in the raw honesty of the sandwich.
Mandy whispered, “Boys are stupid Sangria. We can’t leave them to make the right decisions on the important stuff because they’ll screw it up. It’s always best to give a single choice, the one we want.” She pulled away, and held me at arms length. “If you leave, you’ll do the opposite. You’ll give him five other choices. Is that what you want?”
She might as well have punched me right in the face. I tried not to flinch at her words, but failed. She didn’t respond to the emotions that I’m sure were crisscrossing my face like neon inroads. But she didn’t need to either, she’d seen what she’d been looking for, confirmation that I didn’t want him choosing one of the five other women.
I found my voice. “What I don’t want is to get engaged. I’m not to that point like you guys are.” I shook my head. “I’m not playing the game, remember?”
She laughed. “Oh, you’re playing the game, all right. Whether you’re on camera or not. The game is always on. Always. Saying you don’t want to play the game is a cop-out. We each play a game of our own making.”
Kemmerie stepped away and Mandy lifted her hand to my chin, holding it gently. “If you can’t be honest with us, at least be honest with yourself.” She looked at Kemmerie. “Ready?”
Kemmerie launched herself at me, gripping me in a huge hug. “I hope you stay.”
CHAPTER
I SAT ON my bed and stared at my empty closet for a long time. Long enough for the music to flow like floodwaters down to my room and beneath the door. Before long, the notes filled the room until I was drowning in them.
I hadn’t figured out how I was going to get off the boat now that I’d quit, just that I was done.
Part of me wanted to race upstairs and see Mateo one last time, but I was afraid he’d be able to tell what I’d done. If there was one person on this boat who would be able to change my mind, he was the guy to do it. Right now, alone in this room, I felt like I had a pretty good handle on reality. With him, and especially if he had those hands anywhere near my skin, reality turned to fantasy.
I needed to go. He needed to marry one of the girls Stuart had picked for him. Pain seared my heart at the mere thought of him being with one of the other girls. He hadn’t kissed a single one and now he’d be courting them. My eyes burned and I fell to the side and curled into a ball. I hated every bit of this. I hated being part of the game and I hated leaving him. I despised the idea of him being with anyone else.
But it had to be this way.
I sniffed and sat up.
Standing, I closed the top of the suitcase, slipped off my shoes and went into my office. There wasn’t much there I needed to pack. I’d sent docs back and shredded what was left. None of this was mine, but it had been a welcome reprieve.
I checked the live feed cameras. “This is a bad idea.” And the understatement of the year.
The monitors had gone to sleep since I hadn’t been in here for a while... Too busy living the events instead of watching them. In the aftermath, I still hadn’t decided which view was better. I’d enjoyed every moment of being with Mateo but life sure was safer as a bystander.
I sat down in the big office chair and hit the power buttons on the screens so they popped to life. I leaned forward and hugged myself. This was definitely the stupidest idea I’d ever had.
The entire top deck looked like a 50s Sock Hop had puked on it, with vinyl records hanging and a soda jerk and some serious silliness. I didn’t understand Stuart and the design team, but I guess I didn’t have to. If ratings were tanking, they were scrambling for new and different. I scanned the room, finding Rinnae and Cassidy at the bar and Mateo in the shadows on the other side of the room.
I wondered if Stuart had told him already.
Emerging arm in arm, Kemmerie and Mandy walked briskly to the bar, not glancing in Mateo’s direction. They were horrible at this show, seriously, horrible. Viewers were probably changing the channel right now.
They hugged and I wondered where Kat was. I checked the other monitors and put them on scan to see if I could find her. While the channels flipped from empty room to empty room, I scooted closer to the main one.
Locked in a tight circle, there was a serious discussion going on between the girls. I wished the music wasn’t so loud so I could hear it and I’d never been a good lip reader, but I was pretty sure they were talking about me. Rinnae glanced over at Mateo.
I got hung up looking at him.
He sipped a low tumbler of whiskey and the muscle in his jaw clenched. He was probably wondering where I was... Or not, since the other girls were there to distract him. Tonight was the first night that his outfit looked like he’d let the costume department have their way with him. He’d slicked his dark hair straight back like a greaser and wore the stereotype white T-shirt and jeans, but he pulled it off in his classic style.
My fingers lifted to the screen and I ran them down his cheek, then gasped as his gaze shifted straight to the camera and he looked right at me.
Mimicking that first invisible kiss he’d given me after the scavenger hunt, I ran the pad of my thumb across his bottom lip and paused over his scar remembering how it felt beneath my lips. While I stared, they parted and I held my breath. I knew he couldn’t know what I was doing but I wanted to believe we had some connection. That same connection that had made him kiss me from across the room while we’d been surrounded by people. I dropped my forehead to the screen. “I’ll miss you,” I whispered. “Thank you for this.”
I lifted my head and his eyes dropped closed like he’d heard me, and it pained him. This was why I couldn’t tell him in person. It was hard enough watching him on a screen and not telling him the real words I wanted to say. I’d already told him secrets I’d never shared with anyone. If his strong arms wrapped around me, I’d tell him how much he meant to me and how hard this was and that I wished it could be different.
A flash on the bottom screen caught my eye and I pushed my chair back, dropping my fingers to cover his hand. I couldn’t let go, not yet.
Kat was in her bedroom and on the phone. I frowned. She wasn’t supposed to have one, none of us were. It didn’t surprise me that she’d figured out how to smuggle one in. I clicked the volume up on her monitor.
“This had better be good,” she said into the phone, clearly miffed that the caller was picking now to interrupt. Her eyes widened as she listened, then her mouth made a large O. “He owns PanWay Imports? I’ve heard of them, but how much money could a shipping company make?”
She listened.
“Oh my. Yes, that’s more than I would have thought too. And he owns it all?”
I knew that he did, and whoever was giving her info had done their homework. I’d told Mateo this was going to be an issue. No one ever listened to me.
Kat pondered the news. “That can’t be right. They would have told us that—“
The caller interrupted her and she pressed her lips in a tight line. “No, you’re right, keeping it from us would be a fun twist and seems like something Stuart would do.” She paced the room. “Let me know if you find anything else, but this is plenty. If Stuart wants to keep the intern in the game, I’ll just have to remind him what’s in the contract. Mateo has to pick one of the original six. He can fuck that little Sangria all he wants, but he can’t choose her.”
I stabbed the power button with my finger. I hated her so much. But she was right. The contract was clear about how the show had to end. They’d been burned on that during the taping of The Underground. After Stuart had mentioned it, I’d looked it up. The female bachelorette had fallen for a bartender at one of the locations and stated that her contract had only said that she had to propose to someone on the season finale. They’d never allowed that loophole again, which was why the clause was ironclad. He had to choose one of the original six or write a check. A big check.
I knew Stuart was getting this feed too, so I could skip telling him what I’d seen. And it served them right. Mateo was going to tell them anyway, so it was probably better that Kat found out now. She’d always been the front-runner, or at least the only one who seemed interested in Mateo.
My body heated up. Well, almost the only one.
I stood and my finger hovered over the power button for the feed to the dance. I could hear the music from here and it made this entire thing feel so surreal. Nothing about this experience had been truth. I had to remember that to save my sanity.
This was a suspended reality, but I wanted one last look at him.
The camera was tight on his face. I couldn’t see anyone else in the room, and if I could lie to myself for just a little longer, I felt like it was just the two of us. “Make me stay,” I whispered.
His eyes widened and he nearly threw his drink on the table and stood, his eyes still intently focused on the camera. On me.
What the hell? I swung around and searched the room, looking for Stuart’s deceit. I found it high up in the corner and flipped it the bird. “Stuart you are a fuck.”
I turned back and glared at Mateo. He’d let Stuart manipulate us both. I’d been dumb and romantic enough to think we had some special connection, but now I saw the earpiece.
Mateo hadn’t been imagining what I’d been doing. Stuart had been feeding it to him the entire time.
CHAPTER
“I HATE YOU both.” I pounded the power buttons, then stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind me. I shoved my suitcase off the bed and it crashed to the floor, spilling everything. “Damn it!” I screamed, my hands fisted at my sides. I kicked the pile of clothes and sent them sailing across the room.
Mandy was right. Whether I’d chosen to play the game or not, it had still gone on around me. I was probably still on camera right now but I was past caring.
A fist banged against my door. “Sangria, can we talk about this?” Mateo rattled the doorknob but it was locked. I didn’t answer him; He didn’t deserve one.
He knocked again and a deep thud banged against the door, like he’d hit it with his head. Good. “Please?”
I righted my suitcase and threw things back in, hoping he’d give up and go away. My head lifted as I heard the beeping of the passcode to the office door. With each tone, my hatred for Stuart grew to new proportions.
There wasn’t a secret left that he hadn’t handed over to Mateo.
Which would have been fine if it had been in the pursuit of something romantic and gooey like love or comfort, but no, it had been for the pursuit of ratings. And Mateo had played right along to get what he’d wanted from the beginning when he thought he could force me onto the boat.
Well I’d show them both.
He knocked on the separating door but it was just a courtesy as he pushed it open. “Sangria?”
“Get out.” I didn’t bother to put any emotion behind the request. He’d played every one I had.
“You were really going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“Yes.”
He stepped closer until I could feel the heat of his presence. “Why?” His fingers wrapped loosely around my elbow and he tried to turn me toward him but I shook him off. “Please talk to me. Tell me what I did wrong.”
I shook my head. “You played me.” I glared at him. “You and Stuart, you’re no better than the other. You used me.”
He reached for me but I twisted away. “It’s not like that. Stuart told me you were leaving. We talked about the clauses in the contract that required me to pick one of the original contestants. “ He waved his hand away. “None of that’s important now. I knew you wouldn’t come to the dance. When he told me what had happened and that you’d quit—which I stand behind a thousand percent and I’m glad you didn’t go a
long with his bullshit move—I asked him to help me convince you to stay.” He dug the earpiece from his ear and tossed it on the bed. “This was his idea, and I can’t say I’m sorry that I did it.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet. Nothing helps you win a game more than eavesdropping on your opponent.”
“Is that what you think we are?”
I didn’t know what we were. Not now, not ever. I needed time, not him fucking spying on me. And I didn’t want to talk to him about it. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted off this damn ship so bad that I was almost tempted to race up to the prow and jump off.
I’ll miss you, thank you for this, I’d said, and worst of all, make me stay like a love-struck teen thinking they were silent musings while I was alone. How dumb. How idiotic that must have sounded compared to Kat’s eloquent declarations about how well-suited they were.
“Why did you say it, Sangria?” His voice lowered to a whisper and he reached for me again, slowly this time like I wouldn’t notice. I flinched when his finger brushed my forearm but there was nowhere for me to go. He filled up the entire space between the bed and the closet and the escape through either door. His touch slid higher up my arm and I cringed. I wasn’t scared of him, but I was terrified of the emotions and feelings that his nearness set off like a charge. I wanted to hate him so badly.
But I still wanted him to make me stay.
“Please leave.”
“Don’t do this. Don’t give up on me,” he pleaded and it almost sounded like he meant it. But I was sure there was a camera in here too, so odds were better that he was just playing to his audience.
“Get. Out.” My voice was iced. I hadn’t moved an inch since he’d started touching me though I wanted to fall into him and let him touch me everywhere. “You know how this ends.”
He dropped his hands and took a step back. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
I narrowed my eyes. “No, you made the mistake by forcing me on this boat. This is your fault, Mateo. Yours.” I pointed to the door. “Do not come back.”
