by Lisa Swallow
“Annoying me? Yeah, what we just did…annoyed me a lot. Couldn’t you tell?”
Evan kisses me. “Okay, I won’t do it again.”
“Good. Disgusting behavior.” I grin at the joke and put my forehead against his. “Evan, why would I think you’re annoying?”
“I’m not the most secure of people, you know that.” He rests against the pillow and looks up at the ceiling. I lie on my side and run my finger down his ribs, bringing a smile to his face.
“I know. But I’m not going anywhere anymore. I’m here.” He doesn’t respond, so I roll onto his chest and place my hands on either side of the pillow. Evan’s eyes hide something still. “And I love you.”
The Evan-grin appears, and he cups my chin with his hand. “When you tell me that, the world becomes a brighter place.”
Grinning back, I lick his face and he scrunches up his nose. He tastes of Evan – post-sex Evan. A few weeks ago, he’d taste of sunscreen too, but now it’s just his soap and saltiness. “Ness…”
I giggle and drop back onto the bed, resting my head on his warm chest instead. His heart beats steadily against my cheek and I luxuriate in the fact I have a guy who loves me, tells me and shows me in a million ways.
Chapter Three
OCTOBER
EVAN
The email arrived this morning and the world shifted. After searching all summer, Lucy has found her. Our mother. Less than two months back in Leeds, building my new life, and now this.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t fucking think straight. Lucy has taken my calm world and shaken everything up, as if I’m trapped in a snow globe with the storm swirling around. This should not be fucking happening. Can’t be happening. Fucking Lucy, screwing with my life again.
When I got back from Europe and Lucy informed me she was looking for our mother, I went off at her. I don’t often lose my temper with Lucy, but I let rip; my voice was hoarse by the time I finished, and despite her tears at my reaction, this didn’t stop her actions. She kept on looking for the woman. Throughout our teen years, the subject came up, and every time I’d explain why this would always be a ‘no’ for me. The woman doesn’t deserve to know anything about us. She gave up that right the day she abandoned her kids.
The problem is, when Lucy gets an idea lodged in her head, she clings on with determination and nothing can stop her. I can’t figure out exactly why Lucy wants to find her so much; all she says is ‘I just want to’. I didn’t expect Lucy to be successful in her search.
I’m terrified about the effect the situation could have on Lucy’s mental health; especially if the woman doesn’t want anything to do with her. Lucy is stable, life is calmer, and now this. But, according to Lucy’s email, our mother wants to meet us. I don’t want to see her. My mother, Faye, stopped existing to me years ago.
I shove the laptop into my bag and head for class, hoping to take my mind off things for a few hours. Now I have no choice about going to Lancaster this weekend; I need to talk to Lucy about this. I’d originally intended to go back to persuade her to stop looking, but it’s too fucking late now.
***
NESS
I’m sitting in the corner of the computer cluster, desperately searching for more information on genetics for an assignment, when Ollie and Jared arrive. Do they ever go anywhere apart?
I ignore them; I have too much to get done for my next paper, and once Jared starts talking, he doesn’t shut up. Too late. Jared spots me and perches on the edge of the wooden desk, pushing my notebook to one side.
“Hey, Nessie monster.”
“Ha-ha, you’re killing me with your wit and originality.”
Ollie sits at a nearby desk and pulls a pen and paper from his bag. I’m positive he’s fighting down a smile.
“You studying again?” asks Jared.
“Yes. I find it helps me pass assignments.”
“Jared thinks he’s going to learn by osmosis. I just found him in the library lying with his head on a book,” says Ollie.
“I was sleeping!”
“And that makes it better?” Ollie mutters, and turns to his computer.
I return to my web search, but Jared doesn’t move. I turn to him. “What?”
“Your friend…”
“Abby?”
“Yeah. Can I have her number?”
If Abby didn’t give him her number the other night, she’s either slacking or not interested. “I’m not sure I should.”
“Aww, c’mon.”
“Why didn’t you ask her last week?”
“I did. I had it. I lost my phone.”
I look to Ollie for confirmation and he nods. “He lost all of his girlfriends’ numbers.”
Jared shoots him a look. “Shut up. I don’t have lots of girls.”
“That’s right; they don’t last that long.”
There’s something a bit Evan-like about Jared. The old Evan – the persona he hid behind. In Jared’s case, I don’t think it’s a persona.
“I can ask her to call you,” I suggest.
Jared slumps his shoulders and pouts. “Ness…I really want to see her again.”
“Then I’ll tell her the very minute I see her next.” I know for a fact she’s interested in him, but I’m not playing cupid. Besides, she needs warning if the ‘lots of girlfriends’ thing is true. Not that this has ever stopped her before in her quest for ‘the one’.
“Fine!” Jared jumps off the desk and heads for the door.
“Jared!” Ollie calls after him, and Jared waves a hand dismissively. “Jeez, that guy is going to get a shock at the end of the year.”
I chew on my pen. “Even with big brother keeping an eye on him?”
Ollie wheels his chair back and cocks his head. “You mean me?”
“I don’t mean negatively; it’s probably needed.”
“He’s immature. Needs a bit of guidance.”
I laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“You sound like an old man. How old are you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Going on forty!”
Someone a few desks back sniggers. Ollie slides his chair towards me, looking at the other people in the room and lowers his voice. “You don’t know me very well.”
His tone confuses me. “No, because you hardly speak to people.”
“I don’t have much to say. I find some people more interesting than others, though, so I talk to them.”
Any other guy, I’d think he was hitting on me, but there’s nothing in Ollie’s expression or body language that suggests this. I shift uncomfortably anyway.
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a lot of immature people at uni who don’t think for themselves. You’re different.”
“Maybe because I took a year out? Lived in the real world for a bit?”
“Maybe.” He pauses. “I think you’ll make a good doctor.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
He smiles. “Just stating a fact. Anyway, study…”
Ollie slides his chair back towards his computer and doesn’t speak again. I shake the odd conversation from my mind and return to the research.
A couple of hours later, we head across campus towards the library. Ollie has a vague idea Jared might be there; I think he’s being hopeful.
“I’m meeting Evan for lunch. You could join us if you like?”
“Have you known Evan long?” asks Ollie.
“A year.”
“Has he always been possessive?”
I stop and look at him. “What?”
“Evan. He seems very…intense.”
Wow. Okay. “He’s had some stuff happen recently. He’s working through it.”
Ollie shakes his head and smiles. “You can’t fix them if they’re broken.”
Not replying, I start walking again, deciding I preferred when Ollie didn’t speak to me. Does he spend his days psychoanalyzing people? Why talk to me about Evan? This is weird.
; We reach the library in silence and Ollie pauses outside the sliding entrance doors. “Don’t let him drag you down with him. If he has ‘stuff’.”
“Ollie, what is this?”
He pushes his hair from his face. “Too much? Sorry, I shouldn’t interfere. But I like you.”
Shit. I open my mouth, but he catches my wide-eyed expression.
“No, Vanessa. Not in that way. Like I said, you’re a good person. Stay happy.”
Then he does something even odder than everything else he’s done this afternoon. He hugs me. I stiffen in surprise and put my hands on his arms to extricate myself. Jared hugs me a lot, and Sunita gives me the odd embrace too. I never pinned Ollie as the tactile type, so I’m not sure whether to feel honored or nervous.
“Catch you later.” He disappears into the library, his tall figure dwarfing the girl who comes out. Ollie steps to one side to let her pass, and I smile as she looks back at him.
I wonder if a girlfriend dragged Ollie down with her ‘stuff’.
Continuing across campus, I shiver and decide it’s time to dig out my winter coat. Another indication summer is behind us. Evan isn’t far; I spot him on a bench between the library and the Union texting.
“Hey, poetry boy.” I sit next to him and ruffle his hair.
Evan looks up and his expression arrests me, mind flying back to before the summer. When things stress Evan, his eyes change. I never understood the phrase about eyes being the window to the soul before, until Evan. And something’s hurting him.
“Hey, Ness.” He blinks and the look is gone. And he doesn’t kiss me.
“Everything okay?”
Evan shifts towards me. “Mostly. I need to go to Lancaster tonight.”
I knew it. He only went back last weekend and he’s going again. I slump back against the bench. “Lucy?”
“Kind of. I’ll get back tomorrow if I can.” Evan brushes my cheek with his thumb. “How’s the studying?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“So you’re not okay with me going away tonight?”
Looking at the ground, I rub my lips together thinking what to say. “She’s not unwell again, is she?”
I know he needs to be there for her sometimes, but I can’t help how it makes me feel when he has to go away a lot.
“No. She just needs help with something she can’t ask Dad to help with.”
“Oh?”
“It’s nothing much.” He tucks his phone into his pocket. “Anyway, lunch date?”
The bright Evan returns, stands, and holds his hand out to help me up. He pulls me towards him and squeezes me against his chest so hard my breath is forced out.
***
EVAN
The afternoon fades to evening when I reach Dad’s place. The small terraced house is squashed between two others, and hasn’t changed over the years. White paint flakes off the front door, and each time I come back, I see more inside the home that needs fixing up. But my dad isn’t bothered - he’s rarely here anyway. The curtains are open, and Lucy sits in an armchair watching TV. I hover outside. Looking into the lit room from the path is like looking back into the world of my childhood. I dredge my mind for memories of my mother but they’re distant, like faded photographs with faces scratched out. Who knows what she looks like now.
Lucy appears as soon as I step through the door, and grabs me in one of her signature suffocating hugs. I pry her off me. Anyone would think I’ve been away all summer again; I only saw her last week.
“Hey, twinny,” she says. “On your own?”
I dump my bag in the hallway. “I’m not bringing Ness into this.”
“You haven’t told her about Mum?”
Lucy pushes her curls from her forehead and meets my unimpressed look. Faye doesn’t deserve the term “Mum”. Mums are caring, nurturing people. Not women who abandon their children. Lucy disappears before I can tell her what I think.
“Is Dad home?” I ask, following her into the lounge.
“No.”
Lucy’s living at home again. She returned to college after her hospital stay, but lost the room in her shared house to another student. Maybe college and moving out had been too much at once, plus the boyfriend and break up didn’t help either. After her breakdown a few months ago, I persuaded her one step at a time is good. Finding the woman who abandoned her – not so good.
“Are you hungry?” she asks.
“I ate before I left.” I can’t be bothered making small talk. “I got your email. About our mother.”
“Don’t say it like that.”
“What do you want me to call her? Mummy?” I can’t help the edge to my voice.
“And don’t be like that. I thought you’d be happy. Once you got used to the idea.”
I flop into the chair opposite her and slouch down, hands in my jacket. “We agreed not to do this; why did you?”
“Because I wanted to know where she was,” says Lucy in a small voice. “Don’t you ever wonder?”
“I don’t think about it, Lucy.”
And now, because of you, I have to.
“I didn’t think I’d find her so quickly,”
Her stupid cat appears and jumps onto my knee. I lift Charlie back off and hold the animal out to Lucy so she has to take him. The cat purrs contentedly as Lucy strokes his black fur.
“Have you spoken to her?” I ask.
“Not yet. I’m too scared. In case she doesn’t want me.”
I bite down the urge to say it’s fucking obvious our mother doesn’t want us, since we haven’t seen her for almost fifteen years. The helpless anxiety this stirs inside churns my stomach is the same feeling I carry with me the times Lucy isn’t well. The same feeling which returned this morning, with the news Lucy found Faye.
I can’t fucking deal with this.
“Will you take me to see her? You can just drop me off or whatever. You don’t need to come inside.”
I put both hands across my face and rub my temples. How can Lucy believe I’d be able to do this? “You can’t just turn up. You have to call her first.”
“Can you call her?” Lucy’s voice is tiny, pleading.
Not again. I’m not propping Lucy up again. She’s not unwell; she just wants me to finish the job she started. And I don’t want to. “No, if you want to see her, you arrange the meeting.”
Lucy’s hands tremble and she picks at the ragged sofa arm. No longer looking at me, she buries her face into Charlie’s fur. When she lifts her head again, her face is damp. Shit.
“It’s not like I can ask Dad,” she says and sniffs. “I don’t want to go alone the first time. Just once. Please.”
This is so fucking hard. I never expected to come back to England and face this after such an awesome summer with Ness. This new academic year is a fresh start, a future with Ness. Not a return to a past I can’t remember. Is this revenge by Lucy for leaving her alone all summer?
“Once?”
“I need to know, Evan. I need her to tell me why. I thought she must be dead for so many years; otherwise, why else would she stay away?”
I don’t respond. I want to cover my ears and stop Lucy from saying out loud the questions which swam around my brain for years before I built up the dam to keep the emotion out. To me, our mother did die. Because she killed a part of me – the part which trusts when people tell you they love you, and allows you to trust that person with your heart. This woman tore out my heart, and what I have with Ness is stitching together the wound. Now, Lucy’s sliced open my chest and handed the knife back to this woman Lucy says is our mother. And the worst part of all, I couldn’t find the words to tell Ness this afternoon.
I saw her with Ollie and my screwed up brain couldn’t cope with seeing someone else’s hands on her. My rational side saw how awkward she was when he hugged her, but this doesn’t quieten the raw Evan underneath.
Fuck. I want Ness. I don’t want to be here. When I’m with Ness, this shit doesn’t exist. But this is
n’t going away anytime soon.
“Call her. Arrange something. I’ll take you and then I’m done.”
***
NESS
Abby crashes through the door. Well, I hope it’s Abby. I glance at the clock on my laptop. Eight pm. Surely she can’t be wasted yet. This year has seen a lot less party-Abby and a bit more of a considerate-Abby. Please don’t let that change.
“Ness!” she calls upstairs in a sing-song voice. The one that usually precedes her asking for something. At least she sounds sober.
Closing my textbook, I wander downstairs to find out what she wants, and spy the reason for the crash. Several carrier bags fill the space on the small dining table and she carts one into the kitchen. There’s a distinctive clink as she sets the bag on the kitchen bench.
“Abby…”
“So, I was thinking about inviting a few people over tomorrow night.”
“A few?”
She ignores me. “And I wondered if you wanted to invite those two guys from med school.”
My ears prick up. I recognize the smile on Abby’s face and the twinkle in her eyes, and wonder which of my friends she’s thinking about. I can guess - the one who’s interested in her too. “Jared?”
Abby’s smile turns coy and she brushes an imaginary strand of hair from her jacket. “Maybe. If you invite them, I won’t seem so…”
I could choose any number of words. “Keen?”
“Keen. That works. You can invite more than two of course” She delves into the bag and pulls out an open bag of crisps. “As long as Jared comes.”
I haven’t told Abby that he’s asked for her number; I’m not sure about him. I can’t figure out if he’s a genuinely sweet guy, or if I’m fooled by his charming persona too.
“Okay. But how many people are you inviting?” I ask.
“The other guy – does he have a girlfriend?”
“Ollie? I’ve no idea. I haven’t seen him with anyone.”
“Okay, well, I think Tamara would like him. Or maybe Nicky?” She munches thoughtfully on a crisp.
“I don’t think he’d thank you for matchmaking. He might not even want to come.”
“Yeah. He seems a bit up himself.”
