by Lisa Swallow
“So why stop the nights out?”
I gulp down my beer. Why? Running from the real world, losing myself in a hazy reality of imagined freedom was half the attraction of nights out last year. But I like the world I live in with Ness. Or I did. Sure, we meet for beers – Matt and the guys – but I can’t do the whole first year thing anymore. The appeal’s gone.
The other part of the attraction was the girls. “I don’t trust myself when I’m drunk.”
Which means I don’t trust her when she’s drunk. Instantly, the conversation with Ollie resurfaces, and I’m overwhelmed by the need to know what the hell is going on between them.
“Fair enough.” Matt stands. “I’ll get them in. Same again?”
I shake my head and pull on my jacket. “S’okay. I think I should go.”
“Evan! I wanted you to be my wingman.” He not-so-subtly indicates two girls at a nearby table.
“No, Matt.”
One of the girls studies me, and as I look back, I picture myself last year. Turning on the charms I know would pull girls like her in. Getting off on the attention I got from them. Wanting them. And then, half the time passing out drunk before I could get their clothes off – the one flaw in my master plan. The blonde girl smiles coyly at me and I blink; I recognize her. I train her at the gym and I’ve seen the look she’s giving me a thousand times…on scores of girls’ faces. Shit. Attention I once craved and now don’t want.
Ness. Ollie. Focus.
“I’m going, mate. Sorry.” I stand, steadying myself with a hand on the table.
Matt swears at me and picks up his empty glass to refill at the bar. “Reckon you’re missing out on a sure thing here.”
I don’t need to ask what he means.
“Later, man.”
The haze of last year is back. But it’s not a happy one.
***
NESS
I sit outside the lecture theatre staring at the paper in front of me.Failed. The numbers mock me and tears fill my eyes; I worked so hard on this and for nothing. Mentally, I calculate the effect this will have on my final grade at the end of the semester. What if I fail other assignments? Am I cut out to do this, or have I made a huge mistake?
My concentration has dropped off this week, since the night out that’s screwed around with my head. Now I’m worried in case I’ve stuffed up anything new I’ve submitted in the past few days. Taking deep breaths, I pull out my bottle of water and drink.
“What’s up, Ness?”
I look up and see Ollie, concern creasing his brow.
“Failed.” I wave the paper at him.
“Oh. Never mind.”
“Never mind? Ollie! We worked so hard on this and I thought I had everything right, but I obviously don’t understand anything. I’ve handed so many other assignments in recently I thought I understood. What if I’ve failed them all?”
Ollie blinks. “Calm down, Ness. It’s only one paper.”
I slump back against the vinyl bench seat, watching the stragglers leaving the lecture theatre, wondering how many of them failed. “And I suppose you passed?” I snap.
He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to.
“Shit!” I stand up and walk away from him.
Ollie catches my arm. “Hey, come on. Sorry. I know this is important, but you can’t feel like this over one assignment.”
Tears spring into my eyes and I push his hand away. “It’s important to me! Next, you’ll tell me Jared passed, and then I will know I’m wasting my fucking time!”
“Ness. What’s going on?” Ollie’s gentle tone pulls me back from the hysterical direction I’m heading in.
“I’ve just had a crap week. It doesn’t matter.”
“Sit down.” Ollie guides me back to the seat. “What’s going on? Is this because of what happened the other night?”
His question punches me in the gut and the tears flow. I hate crying in front of people, especially guys. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Oh, Ness. I’m sorry. I should’ve done more, not let him walk away like he did.”
“I’m just glad you were there,” I say quietly.
Ollie rubs his hands on his legs. “Have you spoken to Evan about what happened?”
I’ve thrown myself harder into studying, avoiding Evan. I’m not sure why; I think until I deal with this in my own mind, I should. I don’t want Evan to know, and I’m too emotional currently, so he’d spot something was wrong.
“No. I haven’t seen him yet. I was going to tell him when I did.”
“I think you probably should. Hiding things from each other would really fuck things up.”
“Oh, I already know that,” I say, unable to hide the frustration in my voice. I expect an Ollie judgmental comment to come back. He doesn’t go there.
“Why don’t you go home and call him? I think you could do with some Evan time. Come on.” Ollie holds out a hand, and pulls me to my feet.
The lecture theatre is empty, the hallway around us void of people. Our shoes squeak as we head downstairs towards the exit. Ollie’s change of heart about Evan is odd. I do need Evan time, but I don’t know what to say to him.
***
EVAN
The November evening darkens; it’s only five pm and the bright campus lights already illuminate the shadowed buildings. Still, the world is brighter after the Union. The happy, fuzzy feeling from alcoholic numbness follows me. Briefly, I appraise the wisdom of hanging outside the med school for Ness to appear in my less than sober state. But I need to see her.
I take up my old position on the wall outside, glad of the alcohol warming my system. She should be done soon. Pulling out my phone, I consider whether to text Ness and tell her I’m here. I smile to myself, I’ll surprise her. I scroll through Facebook instead.
People walk by and I realize the numbers are increasing as the building empties. Tucking my phone away, I sit on my hands to warm them. The night cools and I get frustrated as the crowd reduces to a few stragglers – but no Ness.
I’m considering giving up and leaving when I see her with Ollie. I sit up straight and peer through the darkness. Standing near the doorway, they won’t be able to see me with the light shining behind them.
Ness’s head is down and Ollie talks to her. She’s not happy; I recognize the slumped shoulders and refusal to look at him. I think that’s a good thing. Ollie puts a hand on her shoulder and my heart drops into my stomach, waiting for her response. Ness doesn’t look up and I can’t figure out what’s happening. Ollie takes to rubbing her arm and Ness puts a hand on his.
Then Ollie wraps his arms around Ness. This time she doesn’t pull away.
My stomach turns; I’m positive I’m going to throw up some of the beer lining my stomach. I’m right. I fucking knew something was going on. Chest tight, I inhale, calming the hurt flowing into my breaking heart. Why?
Sober Evan would’ve slunk home. Drunk Evan – nope. I head towards them.
***
NESS
I pull myself from Ollie’s friendly embrace. I know he’s trying to help, but I only want to forget things and go home to call Evan.
“I’m fine, honestly,” I tell him.
Ollie looks doubtfully at me. “Okay, I’m just worried. You’re bottling stuff up. And now, this assignment thing. You need to take a break, Ness. There’s more to life than studying.”
“Says you!”
“I study hard, but I’m not letting it take over my life.”
I wrinkle my nose, knowing he’s right.
“Just don’t adopt Jared’s study habits and you’ll be fine,” smiles Ollie. “And talk to Evan about the other night.”
“Like I said, I’m glad you were there.”
“I shouldn’t have left you alone. Not once I realized how drunk you were.” His eyebrows pull together.
“I don’t want to talk about this now.”
A figure approaches from the nearby shadows and I’m floored when I realize it’s Ev
an. And he’s not looking happy. He glares at me, stony-faced.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“I wanted to see you. But you’re busy.” Evan’s voice is hard, distant. He turns his unimpressed expression to Ollie.
Ollie regards him silently in return.
“No, I’m just going home. I was going to call you when I got…”
The noise Evan makes in his throat interrupts me. As if he doesn’t believe me. And he’s not touching me. Did he see…?Oh great. Abby said he looked pissed off when he came over last night; I should’ve called him earlier.
“Busyagain tonight?”
I know this Evan; I haven’t seen him for a while, but he’s familiar. “Are you drunk, Evan?”
“I’ve had a few, but I’m okay. So? Busy with Ollie?”
Ollie breaks his silence. “Whoa. Okay. I think I’d better go.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Evan steps towards him and my irritation turns to concern. Surely Evan’s not going to go all alpha-male on me and punch Ollie?
“You okay if I go?” he asks me, refusing to meet Evan’s eyes.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I can deal with this.”
Ollie hesitates, and then walks away. Evan stays quiet until Ollie is out of earshot.
“What’s going on?” I snap at him. We face each other, both with arms crossed over our chests.
“You tell me. Is this the thing that happened?” His voice is low, and in the shadows, it’s difficult to make out his expression.
He’s talking nonsense. “What thing?”
“When I came to see you the morning after the Medsoc thing, he said something happened. Then you wouldn’t talk to me. I get it now. You. And him.”
I stiffen. “For fuck’s sake, Evan! No.”
“I just saw you both! Hugging!”
“Big deal! He’s my friend.” I cannot believe we are doing this. Well, I’m not doing this. I begin to walk away.
Evan catches up in two strides, but doesn’t touch me. “We need to talk about this!”
I halt. “Evan, you’re drunk and reading too much into stuff. I’m going home. You should too.”
“I need to know.”
“Know what?”
“What happened the other night? He’s involved – he admitted as much. What did you do?”
Now he’s closer; I can see the hurt in Evan’s eyes, the look I saw the other week. I should’ve told him earlier, stopped pretending to myself nothing happened. I’d decided to let him know the next time we saw each other. But not like this. This isn’t an Evan I want anything to do with. And if this mistrust underlies how he feels, it doesn’t matter what I say to him.
“Go home, Evan.”
“Ness, talk to me; I need to know.”
I’m on the edge of losing my temper with him, but we already have curious onlookers.
I lower my voice. “Know what? About me and Ollie? That’s pathetic! I’m disgusted you even think this of me. If this is the amount of trust in me you have, we need to reconsider things.”
The hurt in his eyes turns to something else as he reaches out to me, placing his hand on my crossed arm. “No, I love you; I do trust you…it’s just…I don’t know! My life is a fucking mess again!”
He’s drunk, stupid, and unreasonable. I button my coat and consider my next move. Walking away from him is the only answer.
“Call me when you’re sober. And logical.”
Pulling from his grasp, I stalk off, half-expecting him to follow me. To his credit, he doesn’t.
What does he mean his life is a fucking mess again?
Chapter Eleven
EVAN
Fuck this. I storm across campus, narrowly missing people coming the other way. I’m not too stable – on my feet or in my fucking head. I head straight back to the Union. To Matt. I didn’t want this to be true, but I’ve kidded myself long enough. I’m not part of her new world, am I?
Ness wants to ‘reconsider things’.
Shit.
Matt’s face lights up when he sees me walk through the door, and he beckons me over. He’s shifted to the table with the two girls from before. I gruffly ask if he wants another beer, and as I wait at the bar, I study them in my semi-drunk state.
The blonde girl I train at the gym is definitely checking me out.
When I sit back with them, Matt introduces me to one of the girls – Ella. She nods a brief hello and sips her Cruiser through pink-painted lips. I choose a seat away from the other girl, but she’s locked me in her sights.
“Hey, Evan. Don’t you recognize me?” she asks.
“Of course. Hello, Dani.”
“Sorry I’ve missed some training sessions.” She brushes her hair over her shoulder, pulling long, pink-painted fingernails through her hair.
“Your loss,” I say, and take a drink.
Dani’s face transforms into a smile.
Shit, I didn’t mean me. “To your health, I mean,” I add hastily.
“Sure, Evan.” The smile grows.
This girl is so different to Ness. I think the only thing they have in common is the fact they’re both female. Dani’s hair, make-up, and persona are all false. Exactly the sort of girl I loved to have falling at my feet last year.
“Where’s your girlfriend?” she asks, fingers playing around her glass.
“Not here.”
Again, my attempt at cutting Dani short is misread and she bites down coyly on her lip. “Really?”
I sink back in the seat, knock back the contents of my glass, and stare at the ceiling. All I can see in my mind’s eye is Ollie’s hands on Ness. How can she deny anything is going on?
“You okay, man?” asks Matt.
“Yeah. Get me another.” I thrust the glass at him.
“Awesome! Staying for a few?” He waggles his eyebrows and I groan.
“If we don’t stay here all night, yeah.”
“Don’t intend to.” He winks at the girl he’s with.
Beer is cheap here. I’ll stay. Get drunk. Fend off the blonde girl. She could throw herself at me naked and I wouldn’t be interested. She’s not Ness.
***
The beer glasses stack up, and Dani’s determination mounts. I lean my elbows on the table and push my hands into my hair, avoiding her seductive looks and the tugging of her dress to reveal more of her tits. Shit. Matt now has his arm around Ella’s waist and whispers into her ear. I close my eyes and yawn, hoping he persuades her to leave with him soon.
As if reading my thoughts, Matt pulls the girl to her feet and she stumbles into him, placing a hand on his chest. Ella giggles, and Matt resumes his hold around her shoulders. Did I really go for girls like this?
I dig my hands firmly in my pockets and stand. To ensure Dani doesn’t get any wrong ideas, I turn away from her. I think she’s finally got the hint because Dani whispers something to her friend, who then looks between me and Matt. Then she locks her arm through her friends and they head towards the bathrooms.
“Can you take Dani home?” asks Matt as soon as they’re out of earshot.
“What the fuck? No!”
Matt’s full of drunken bravado and I know exactly what his intentions are.
“C’mon, Evan, mate. Ella is coming with me and Dani needs someone to take her home.”
I blink. They can’t both come home with us, because then I’d be in an even worse position – just the four of us, and Matt hooking up with Ella. I know what the expectation will be from me. “Okay, I’ll take her to the bus stop.”
“They live in walking distance.”
“Then go to Ella’s house instead!”
Matt shakes his head. “Nah, I reckon she wants a sleepover at ours.”
He winks.
“For fuck’s sake, Matt!”
The girls reappear, and my decision to come back to the Union is added to the long list of stupid things I’ve done today. Dani doesn’t look at me and I can’t tell if she’s changed her mind, or got the hint I’m not
interested, or whatever. I bloody hope so.
The two girls stumble up the steps in front of us and I absently watch their asses. Just look. Nothing else. We step outside and the temperature contrast between the Union and the campus hits me. I want to go home. Maybe call Ness. If she’ll talk to me. Some kind of intense negotiation happens between the two girls and Matt leans against the wall, arms crossed, waiting. The girls part and Dani approaches me.
“So are you okay to take me home?” She folds her arms around herself, shivering in the skimpy dress.
I sigh. “Okay, if you’re on your own and have no one else to walk with you.”
In answer to my question, Matt slopes off with Ella, supporting the girl who’s snuggling into his arm.
“I have a girlfriend,” I tell Dani as we move away. Maybe I do; maybe I don’t. But I’m too busy being Ness’s to look for another girl.
“I saw her the other day. Not the type you used to go for.” Dani shifts her small handbag onto her shoulder.
I scour my brain. Did I meet Dani last year? A frightening thought crosses my mind. Did we…? No, I’m pretty sure we didn’t. The thought summons up the first awkward car ride with Ness – when I told her I forget what I do when I’m wasted, and she thought I had sex with every girl I met.
Ness.
“Well, she’s the type I go for now.”
Dani rubs her hands together, blowing on them. “Shame. We could’ve had some fun.”
Jeez, she’s not exactly subtle. “Let’s go.”
As we walk away from the lit-front of the Union, Dani scoops her arm through mine and I stop in surprise, pulling my arm away. Too cozy. She trips; the combination of alcohol and high heels appears to be too much, and I manage to stop Dani from face planting on the ground by grabbing her under the arms. Dani pulls herself up, grasping my jacket as she does, ending with her face buried against my chest.
“Nice moves, Evan.”
As soon as I hear Ness’s voice, I know my shit evening is about to get fucking unbearable.
I peel the girl from me and turn. Ness is with Ollie. Well, she can fucking talk… She’s standing near a street light and her face is pulled into a look of disgust.
“Missing me?” she says sarcastically.
