Finding Evan

by Lisa Swallow

  “This isn’t what you think.”

  “Forget the clichés, Evan.”

  I laugh at her. “Yeah. And you? Coming for a quiet evening with Ollie now that you’ve got rid of me?”

  “She’s looking for you,” Ollie replies tersely.

  Ness continues to look between Dani and me. She sweeps her gaze down Dani’s figure and narrows her eyes. Then she turns her gaze to me. “Started on the poetry yet?”

  I laugh at her.

  “Go to hell, Evan.”

  Staring at her blankly, my head spins. Shit. How many have I had?

  “I don’t know what the fuck has got into you, Evan. You’re not behaving like the same person who was in Europe with me.”

  I consider this in my drunken mind. That’s because I’m not. Or because I wasn’t before. Or something. I don’t know who the hell I am. The night is too dark to see Ness’s face clearly, but I don’t need to. Her voice is enough to make the feelings clear. I wish I knew what to say, but reality is out of my grasp currently.

  “What is going on with you?” she asks. “We’ve been back in Leeds less than two months and you’re bored of me? Tried making me out as the one doing something wrong to give yourself permission to do this. Is that it?”

  “No!”

  “Well what’s this?” She waves a hand at me and Dani.

  “I’m taking her home.” As soon as the words are out, I realize how bad they sound. Too late.

  “Oh, my God!” Ness turns to Ollie. “Let’s go.”

  “What about you? And him?” I demand at her turned back.

  She spins around. “You’re blaming your childish, jealous behavior on me? He’s a friend. Members of the opposite sex can be friends! Or is that not a possibility in Evan’s world?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Just go home. With or without her. I’m too tired to care.”

  My drunk brain isn’t doing the best job at keeping up. Definitely not enough for any kind of smart comeback. But seeing them together hurts like hell. She’s changed too. The relaxed Ness who shared her whole self with me got swallowed by her new life. “Fine. Don’t believe me.”

  “I’m not the one with the track record of hooking up when I’m drunk!”

  “I am not hooking up.” I turn to Dani. “Dani?”

  She shrugs and yawns. Ness steps forward, and I brace myself, unsure what she’s about to do. Whatever she’s thinking, she changes her mind and says something to Ollie I can’t hear. Ollie glances at me.

  “Is he taking you home?” I call. “He’s been waiting for this! Well done, mate!”

  “You asshole!” With one last glare, Ness walks away, Ollie following. Not touching. I toy with the idea of running after her, but I don’t want to do this in front of other people. Their figures blend into the shadows.

  “Fuck my life,” I growl to myself.

  Dani watches me warily. “You still okay to walk me home?”

  For a fleeting moment, the idea of revenge sex crosses my drunken mind. I’ve been accused of it anyway. But the remaining sober part knows going down that route would be the end. If Ness hasn’t made the decision already. What if she’s traded me up for the better guy with the stupid name?

  ***

  NESS

  I sit numbly on the sofa. Numb from the cold and numb with the disgust at what I witnessed. Why did I let Ollie persuade me to look for Evan? I should’ve come straight home. Did I fool myself all along that Evan would change? Putting Lucy before himself, hooking up with random girls. Perhaps the old Evan is more of an integral part of his fucked up persona than I gave him credit for. How can things spiral so quickly? Oh yeah, that’s how. Evan. One argument and he does this? How many times did he do the same when we split last year?

  But it fucking hurts. Seeing another girl with him. Yeah, I could’ve misread the situation, but it seems a bit of a coincidence when he accuses me of doing the same to him. And only a couple of hours later. Do I know him at all? The two Evan’s don’t match up. Which one is he?

  Ollie walks me home, and since Abby isn’t around, he’s hovering. I wish he’d go away too. He hands me a mug of tea, and sits in the armchair nearby. “It might not be what you think. Evan and the girl.”

  “Is this your man code? Sticking up for him.”

  “No, he mistook us. Maybe you mistook them. I’m not denying he’s behaving like a dickhead though.”

  I inhale and hold the breath, dismissing the image of Evan’s hands on another girl. As I breathe out, no tension leaves.

  “He’s complicated.”

  “Aren’t we all?” Ollie takes a drink.

  I appraise him, remembering what he said about a girlfriend. Is he talking about himself or her?

  “I think I want to go to bed. Sleep on this.” I’m on the verge of tears. Again. This is not me. And I don’t want to turn into ‘weeping girl’ in front of Ollie. Again.

  “You guys need to talk this through. If you think he’s worth it.”

  “Worth it?” I frown at Ollie.

  “He seems quite immature. Insecure. People like him are hard work.”

  I set my mug on the table. “Don’t start! He’s a good guy.”

  Ollie raises an eyebrow at my terse words, and I realize what he’s doing. “Then you haven’t given up. Reacting like that. I’m sure he’s a great guy. I don’t know him.”

  Evan. Nobody knows the real Evan. I think the real Evan hasn’t found himself yet. I hoped I was helping him, but he needs to help himself.

  “He’s had a tough time. Things I can’t talk to you about. But he’s a good person,” I say.

  “So you don’t believe you just saw him hooking up with another girl?” He sips from his mug.

  Is Ollie being devil’s advocate here? “No.” Now I’m calm; I can’t believe that’s what I saw.

  Ollie shakes his head slowly. “Then I hope he can be mature enough to sort this out. Rather than lose you.”

  His words. I can’t tell if he’s talking about me, or alluding to his past. “Did you lose someone?”

  I said the wrong thing. Ollie’s hand stiffens around his mug. “I did, yes. But then I found someone else.”

  “That’s good?”

  He turns his face to me, and there’s a look I’ve seen in Evan’s eyes before. “I think I’ve lost her too. Not in the same way.”

  “Your girlfriend?”

  “Hmm.” Ollie stands. “I should go too. Long night.”

  “Okay.” I set my mug down and walk towards the door. Maybe they’re not so different after all, Evan and Ollie.

  As I open the door, Ollie looks down at me. “Ness, you have to tell Evan about the guy who attacked you.”

  “He didn’t attack me!”

  “Yes. He did,” says Ollie softly. “I know you think closing down and forgetting about it is how you can cope, but look at the confusion it’s caused between you and Evan. You have to explain. Then he can understand why you’re avoiding talking about the night we went out. And what he imagines is going on with us, really isn’t. Before it’s too late.”

  I close the door behind him and consider his words. Shutting Evan out isn’t intentional. I’ve been busy; that’s all. But as I consider this more deeply, I realize I have avoided him. Maybe mine and Evan’s coping strategies aren’t so different after all.

  Chapter Twelve

  EVAN

  What a fucking idiot. I stare in the mirror at the hung-over, tired Evan. My old friend and enemy. Groaning, I turn the shower on and step in, images of last night on constant replay in my mind. Ness. Ollie. Dani. Me. Fuck. When Ness told me to go home and sober up, that really would’ve been the smarter move. Not sinking more pints and ending up in the situation I did.

  My head hurts. Not because of the amount of beer I drank, but the amount of shit that’s landed in my life. Summer and security has gone, replaced by winter and doubts. And Faye, who makes everything a thousand times worse. When will I fucking learn?


  Should I go and see Ness? Apologize? But I don’t think I could handle seeing them together – if Ollie’s with her. I call instead, and get her voicemail. Several times. Unease creeps into my sick stomach. Ness is ignoring me. Can I blame her? Last night I presented her with a huge reminder of the Evan she hates.

  On the fourth time, I leave Ness a message. Ask her to call me. I set a deadline. If I don’t hear from Ness by this evening, I’m going back to Lancaster to lick my wounds and wait. Wait for what, I’m not a hundred percent sure.

  ***

  NESS

  Evan’s name flashes on my phone screen again, but I’m too angry to talk to him. I’m shocked by how soon everything has spiraled downwards. I don’t know what the hell is going on with him. Times like these, I wish I’d allowed myself to connect more with Lucy. Then I’d be able to innocently call her and gauge what’s happening. But I’m wary around her. Partly annoyed over her hold on Evan, and a little because we’ve only got Evan in common.

  The last few days, since the night of the cocktail party, my ability to cope with someone else’s emotional baggage has left. I’m focusing on holding myself together; I’m not propping up someone else’s insecurities. If I’m honest, I don’t think Evan would sleep with another girl. From what I’ve learned over the last few months, he’s not the type for petty revenge. The big issue here is he doesn’t trust me. No relationship can survive where doubt and mistrust eat at the edges.

  I don’t call him back. Not yet.

  ***

  EVAN

  “What are you doing home?”

  I look away from the TV to Lucy, who is standing in the doorway between the lounge and kitchen, brow furrowed.

  Home?

  “I’m taking a break for a couple of days,” I reply.

  Lucy’s gaze lands on the beer in my hand. “What’s going on?”

  I ignore her, focusing on whatever crap is on the TV I wasn’t watching anyway.

  Lucy crosses to sit in the chair opposite and watches me. “Evan?”

  “What?” I can’t hide the edge to my voice.

  “Did you have a fight with Ness?”

  I frown at her, hoping my expression tells her to back off. “Why?”

  “Because when things are good between you, you look like the world doesn’t matter. Currently, you look like someone died.”

  I snort and swig my beer. A few more of these and I’ll be fine. Happy. Vacant. I pick up the remote and flick channels.

  “What did you do?” asks Lucy.

  “Me?” I look to her, remote hovering in my hand. “What do you mean?”

  “Did you start screwing around again? Because that’s not fair. Ness really loves you, and I thought you loved her…”

  Slamming the remote on the table, I glare at Lucy, and she shrinks back in her seat. “Shut up.”

  Lucy’s mouth forms an O. “Didshe screw someone?”

  The simplicity of Lucy’s world amazes me. Black or white. No grey. “I’m not talking about this.”

  Lucy wrinkles her nose, studying me. “I wonder if you’ll split up.”

  The words punch me in the gut. Is that what’s happening? Is this more than a fight and things are over between me and Ness? I grip the edge of the sofa. I don’t fucking know, no one gave me an instruction manual for relationships.

  The canned laughter from some shitty comedy plays through the room as I sit in silence with my twin. I don’t want to talk about this.

  “How’s things with you?” I ask Lucy.

  “Pretty good. Passed my assignment, which is awesome.” Her face lights up. I’m not surprised; I’ve seen the art Lucy creates with the photos she takes. The girl has talent. “I think I might apply for uni next year.”

  “You should.” I smile, genuinely happy for her.

  “And I saw Mum again.”

  The chilled out feeling I had just switched to frozen. Muscles rigid, I don’t respond. The laughter from the TV continues; the atmosphere in the room turns to ice. I came here to escape shit, not be landed with more.

  “Aren’t you curious?” asks Lucy.

  “No.”

  “I want to talk to you about Mum.”

  “Forget it, Lucy.”

  To my surprise, Lucy stands and moves between me and the TV. “She wants to see you.”

  My chest tightens, and I fight down my irritation. I’ve come here to escape. Unwind.

  “I don’t care.” I stand too, unable to get into this with her. “I’m going to bed.”

  Lucy steps forward, reaching out to me. “Evan…”

  I push her arm. “I don’t want to know! Just leave it.”

  The flashing in my mind I get when Lucy trips the switch begins. But this time, the anger and frustration isn’t about her, this is caused by her.

  “You can’t hide from this forever,” she says in a low voice as I leave the room.

  I don’t want to shout at her, so I need to get out of the room. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here.” I speak the words to the door frame, the cracked paint and splintering wood.

  Yeah, I wouldn’t be here. On so many levels.

  Chapter Thirteen

  NESS

  Evan doesn’t call again and the situation intensifies in my mind. Has he given up? However pissed off I am with him over the whole Ollie thing, we have to be worth more than this? He has explaining to do, and so do I. After a few days we should’ve both calmed down.

  Throwing myself into studying and not thinking about this screw-up is okay when I’m busy, but the moment my brain gets quiet time, Evan is there. His hands on the girl; his hurt when he drunkenly approached me and Ollie. Gradually, my mind replaces the drunken idiot from the other night with the Evan who looks at me as if I’m his whole world. I don’t want us to give up again.

  After a couple of days of phone silence, I call him. It’s mid-morning, so hopefully no chance he’s been drinking.

  “Hey, Ness.” His voice is sheepish and tired; I’m relieved his tone isn’t cold.

  “I think we need to talk.”

  “Straight to the point as ever.”

  “Are you busy later? Can we meet after I finish class?”

  His pause flips my stomach. I could’ve misread his friendliness.

  “I’m in Lancaster.”

  “Lancaster? It’s the middle of the week.”

  “I had to get away for a few days.”

  “When are you coming back?”

  “I’ll come back tonight if you want to talk?” he suggests.

  The sick feeling subsides. Why is he back there? Another facet of the old Evan sneaking in: running.

  “Is Lucy okay?”

  “This isn’t about Lucy. It’s about me. Us. After the other night.”

  “Let’s not get into this now. Call me when you get back to Leeds.”

  “Sure.”

  The silence that follows our terse conversation is one where we wait for each other to say something. Acknowledge each other as more than acquaintances speaking on the phone. I end the call with a ‘see you later’. Anything more would be revealing too much.

  ***

  NESS

  Jared and Abby are snuggled on the sofa when I get home that evening. I drop my bag on the floor and pull a sour face at Jared. I told Abby what I saw the other night, and she’s still seeing him. What is wrong with the girl? I haven’t seen him since the MedSoc night and he knows I saw too. He’s charming and funny, and I’m surprised by how many girls fall for his flattery. I hoped Abby had opened her eyes to him. Obviously not.

  “I didn’t expect to see you,” I tell Jared.

  His smile doesn’t leave. “Abby asked me over.”

  I arch an eyebrow at Abby. “Yeah?”

  In return, she purses her lips, warning me to be quiet. Yeah, all well and good until I’m the one picking up the pieces.

  “Well, I hope you know what you’re doing.” I stalk into the kitchen.

  Evan called an ho
ur ago, and he’s coming over. I’d hoped we’d be alone, but looks like Abby got the lounge room first. Why does this have to be an evening Abby stays home? She joins me in the kitchen and I give her my ‘what are you doing with him?’ look. The one I get in return suggests she doesn’t want to talk about the situation.

  “Evan’s coming over,” I say, and pull a couple of beers from the fridge.

  “So you’re talking?”

  “We have stuff to talk about.”

  “Good, you can stop sulking.”

  “I amnot sulking.”

  “Right.” She leans into the fridge and grabs a couple of beers too.

  “Can you go out, Abby? So I can talk to him?”

  She sets the beers on the kitchen bench. “If you promise me you’re going to sort this out. You’re such a pain in the backside when you guys fight.”

  I resist the urge to comment on what a pain in the backside she is every few weeks when her latest relationship fails. “We will.” I hope.

  Glancing behind her, Abby picks up the bottles and puts them back in the fridge. “I wish I had an Evan,” she says softly.

  “What?”

  “Not your Evan, silly! Just a guy like him.”

  Abby knows everything about him. Us. The events of the last year. Abby deserves an Evan; she just has a knack for picking Jareds. “I would’ve thought you’d find someone like him too much hard work?”

  “His good outweighs his bad. You just need your heads banging together. Hard.”

  “Which is why I haven’t given up.”

  Abby knocks me on the head. “Sort this out. You two are cracked, not broken.” She pauses. “Don’t push him away, Ness. He loves you. I know you like to be your own person, but I think you need to give a bit more of yourself to him.”

  I dismiss her comment, but a niggling part of me thinks she’s right. Am I still holding myself back?

  Someone knocks and my heart speeds up in response. Why am I anxious about this? Voices drift into the kitchen as Jared lets Evan into the house. Butterflies flit around my stomach and Abby pokes me.

  “Sort things out; we’ll go.” She leaves the kitchen. “Hey, Evan!”

  “Yeah. Hi.”

  I smile at his confusion over Abby’s warm welcome.