by Lisa Swallow
I picture the guy from the other day, the one who threatened me, and I’m scared Lucy’s going to drive straight into a similar situation. We could be causing Faye trouble by doing this. Or Lucy could get hurt.
Climbing into the car, I pull on my seatbelt too. “Let’s go somewhere. Chat about this.”
“Talk me out of going, you mean?” She fixes me with a hard Lucy look.
“I’ll tell you about the guy she’s with. And then you can call Faye and organize a time, instead of storming down there.”
Lucy taps her fingers on the steering wheel, considering my words. At least she’s listening. “Okay. Now? I’ll drive us somewhere to talk. Alone.”
I glance at the house. To Ness. What the hell just happened there with Ness and Lucy? I inhale. This has to be the last time. I think I’m running out of chances.
***
NESS
I sit on the sofa, flipping my phone in my hands. I’m close to calling someone and venting about Evan. Here I am, thinking he’s making an effort to cut ties to Lucy and the situation with his mum, but he’s pulling himself in deeper. Hurting himself more. Lucy insults me, and what does he do? Goes after her. When am I going to get the hint; I’m less important than his sister? I’d cry if I wasn’t so fucking furious.
Abby’s with Jared. I don’t want an Ollie lecture, and apart from them, there’s no one else I want to speak to. I rub my eyes. Study.
I’m stuck into the dreaded Anatomy books when someone knocks on the door. I answer to find an uncomfortable looking Evan on the doorstep.
“Where is she?” I ask stiffly.
“Gone home.”
“I thought you’d gone with her. To see your mum…Faye.”
“Can I come in?” Evan watches me warily. He knows he’s fucked up. I step back and he comes inside.
What I want to say has circled my head for the last two hours, and Evan’s about to find out that coming straight back here wasn’t a great idea. If he thinks Lucy was pissed off, he’s got something even worse coming from me. I close my eyes and ground myself, fighting down the anger. I can’t.
“What the hell did you go after her for?” I snap, before he has a chance to speak.
“Everything’s confusing, Ness.” Evan perches on the edge of the sofa, rubbing a hand across his face.
“I can simplify things if you like.” I sit opposite him.
“What?” His sharp tone shows he knows what’s coming.
“There’s a lot of demands on our time we have together. Demands on you. Lucy’s bipolar is under control, but she still relies on you. You’re enabling this behavior.”
“That’s unfair. The stuff with Faye…”
I’m not in the mood for listening. “You said yourself, Lucy made the choice. You shouldn’t have interfered; you should’ve just backed off and left her to it.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?” I fight down the rising tone in my voice.
“I just can’t. Not because I want to get to know Faye, but because I’m worried about Lucy. What happens if this makes her ill?”
Something in my mind snaps and I launch into him. “You know what I think? I think Lucy’s holding you back exactly as before, because you’ve taught her to rely on you. You’re both twenty-years-old. She needs to grow up and look after herself.”
Evan watches me with his mouth open. I’ve held onto this stuff for months. No more.
“Ness…”
“Okay, she’s bipolar, but this isn’t bipolar. This is manipulation. This is psychological bullshit and she needs help. You’re making her like this.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Evan, how many weekends have we spent together since we came back from Europe?” I raise an eyebrow.
“But the stuff with Faye…”
“Which you said you didn’t want to be involved in. And you are. Because Lucy made you. I can understand how huge this is for you. For you. Not only Lucy. Again, you spend too much time worrying about the effect this has on her, and refusing to deal with the effect on you, Evan. Because it has affected you and you won’t admit it or deal with it!”
I finally silence him, and Evan’s stunned expression is better than his favoredclosed-down one, I suppose. “Not dealing with the emotions that this has dragged up has made you insecure; look at the stuff with Ollie. You need to think whatyou want in life. And to do those things. The most important person in all of this, the one you should focus on, is you.”
Evan rests back and looks at the ceiling. “I want things to be easy.”
“Things are never easy. But you can make them easier by doing what makes you happy.”
“Us. Us makes me happy. Life here. When I’m with you, I feel the bad stuff stops existing. That I can do anything.” He’s earnest, eyes fixed on mine.
“And Lucy stops you.”
The whole time I talk, I wait for him to defend his sister, but I suspect I’m telling him things he’s been told by the counselor he saw.
Realization hits. Maybe I’m enabling him too?
“This is the last time, Evan. I can’t keep on like this. If you want us to work, you have to back off Lucy more. Treat her like a normal sister, not like your child. When she’s unwell and needs you, I can understand, but not this. And the jealousy. Evan, I can’t deal with mistrust and jealousy. You can’t push your insecurities onto me. Us.”
“I’m not jealous! We went through this,” he protests.
I pull a face. “I saw how you looked at me and Ollie the other night. You haven’t let the jealousy go. You need to.”
Evan inhales sharply. “Fine! But you spend more fucking time with him than me!”
I snap my head back. It’s true. He hasn’t changed. “Because I’m studying with him! And I spend almost as much with Jared and Sunita. Don’t use this as an excuse!”
“I’m not!”
Raking my hands through my hair, I stand. His denial and refusal to listen to what I’m telling him hurts. The anger builds pressure in my head, and I don’t want to go down this path so far that it pushes us apart again. A part of me is desperate for him to take hold of me, tell me I’m right, and that we can fix this. I need him to tell me he loves me, and more than that, I need Evan to show me. And I don’t think he can right now.
Evan stands too. “You make it sound like I’m the only one causing problems in our relationship.” He’s hesitant and my anger flares.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You shut me out, and not just over school. Back when I misread the Ollie situation, after I let you down over the party. You froze me out! We talked about this before, but you’re still doing it.”
I blink. “I’m not doing this! I’m too angry to talk to you right now. I think you should just go away until things calm down.”
Leaving an incredulous looking Evan on the sofa, I stomp upstairs. Sitting heavily on the bed, I inhale, heart racing and adrenaline coursing. This has to be said. Be done.
Evan appears in the doorway and rests against the frame.
“Just go! I said I can’t do this now! I’m really fucking angry with you.” I stand and move towards him, pushing him in the chest.
Evan grabs my arm and pulls it away. “I want to talk about this now. I’m not walking away and leaving things like this. You told me to open up with you. If I go, I’m running from things, aren’t I?”
Evan’s eyes are dark, and I can’t read his thoughts. His comment pisses me off even more, because he’s right. “Fine!” I pull my arm from his grip, breathing heavily.
“I love you, Ness. I will do anything to make us work. I’m torn in two here. But don’t lay all the blame at my feet. You’re not the easiest person to love sometimes; you don’t understand how much it hurt when you couldn’t tell me about the MedSoc night.”
“That’s not fair! I’m trying to change. But it’s hard for me when I see you still being held back by Lucy. Putting her before yourself. You need to live your life,
not hers.”
Evan takes my hands. “I want to live ours.”
I pull my hands away, recognizing something else behind his look.
“I haven’t seen you this angry since the night in Paxos,” he says in a low voice.
Heat fires into my face. “That day was different! This is serious!”
“No, this is the same. I want to end the argument in the same way.” He reaches out to my face and I jerk away.
“We’re not in fucking Greece now!” I shout, refusing to be drawn back there.
“I wish we were in Europe. In the sun and freedom. Just me and you. None of this shit.” He pauses. “I wish I had you pinned against the wall in that quiet alleyway near our favorite restaurant, fighting out this frustration with each other in a different way. That’s how we solved things back then.”
And I know what he’s doing. He knows what he’s doing. Memories of the raw passion from the night sends my heart-rate haywire. “Don’t fucking try that! This is real life!”
For a moment, we regard each other in challenge. My heart hammers, and I ignore the arousal the anger is being directed into. No. This won’t happen again.
“Fine.” He crosses his arms and leans against the wall.
The following silence merges my anger with desire; if I didn’t love this guy so much, I wouldn’t be fighting with him. I wouldn’t speak to him; I’d kick him out.
And now he’s ignoring me.
“Talk to me then!” I demand.
He fixes his eyes on a spot behind me. “No.”
“Why?”
His silence continues. Has he shut down? Or is he attempting to piss me off more? “If you’re not going to speak to me, go!”
No response. Frustration overwhelms and I push him in the chest. “Talk to me!”
Evan grabs my arms and drags me to him, and without a word, he roughly kisses me, tongue pushing into my mouth as I part my lips in a gasp of surprise.
I wrench me head away. “Evan!”
In response, Evan turns us round, backing me against the wall. His heart thumps against my chest, through the solid muscle pinning me in place.
“Don’t talk anymore,” he growls, and slides his hands underneath my sweater, gripping my skin.
The heat of the anger coursing my veins kindles into fire as his touch seers my skin. “You’re fucking devious!” I say hoarsely, pushing at him.
“And you are so fucking sexy when you’re angry with me.”
Suddenly and overwhelmingly, I want to channel our anger and frustrations into sex. I’m ready to fight him over this.
“Fine!” I yank at Evan’s shirt, pulling it over his head.
In response, Evan pins me against the wall with his hips, drags the sweater over my head, and then unsnaps my bra so the lacy material falls to the floor. The sensation of his smooth, hot skin against mine shocks arousal through my every nerve ending. I want him.
No, I’m angry with him.
“Move.” I writhe against his hips, but his low groan indicates this was the wrong thing to do.
“No.” He keeps me pinioned and palms my breasts, teasing my nipples.
Breathing heavily, I weigh up what to do. How far to let him go. “I. Said. Move.”
I grab Evan’s hips and push, but he’s immovable. Hot breath against my ear, he kisses my neck at the point my pulse races close to the skin, the sensation tightening my stomach. “Tell me to stop and I will.”
Momentarily, he pulls his head back, waiting for my response. I don’t give him one. The slow Evan-smile creeps across his face. And I know I’m gone.
Before I have a chance to do anything else, his lips mash mine and his hands are at the button to my jeans. Taking advantage of his distraction, I duck under one of his arms. I don’t get very far; he catches me around the waist and pushes me forward. I land face down on the bed. Before Evan can touch me again, I roll over, and as he comes over, I lash out. We wrestle, landing on the floor where I kick and push at him. He uses the opportunity to pull off my unbuttoned jeans, and when I let him, the smile grows.
Angry sex. Adrenaline fuelled lust. How quickly he tripped the fucking switch in my brain. The unexpected rawness to his actions feeds my own arousal and I’m turned on, body betraying me.
Pulling me back to my feet, he grips me to him, slamming his lips on mine. I yield to his mouth, pulling his hair hard, tangling my tongue with his, and the intensity of the kiss takes my breath away. Evan backs me towards the wall again, pinioning me the same as before. Except this time, I’m naked. Almost.
Evan rests his head against mine, breathing heavily. “I don’t want to fight. I hate it.”
The rough material from his jeans rubs my stomach, matched by the stubble scraping my neck as Evan nips at me. His belt jangles as his jeans drop to the floor. Yanking open the drawer, he searches for a condom. In this time, I could get away if I wanted, but I remain where I am, blood pumping in my ears. Wanting him.
Evan turns me to face the wall. “Okay?” he whispers, biting my shoulder.
“Yes.” I’ll be surprised if he hears my response, the words coming out in a hoarse whisper.
The hard plane of his chest touches my back; the heat of his body meeting mine sparks the heat into fire. Grabbing my hips, Evan slides a hand between my legs. Legs I think are about to collapse. Slowly and teasingly, he strokes me; I expect him to hesitate, ask me again, but he doesn’t. Feeling how wet I am is enough of a green light for him, and as he pushes into me, I push my palms against the wall and groan. Evan winds his hand into my hair, breath hot against my cheek as he thrusts.
He stills for a moment and places his hands over mine. “I fucking love you, Ness. I’m not going to lose you. I want you. Need you.”
“Don’t stop,” I whisper.
“I don’t intend to.” Evan touches me, teasing my clit, groaning as I tighten around him. As I come apart into a shattering orgasm, Evan joins me. We’re stolen away from the anger, and back to the time in Europe when everything in our world felt right. The place where the real Ness and Evan exist, away from the suffocating events of the last few months.
***
Evan draws the curtains against the outside world and climbs into bed; we bury ourselves beneath the duvet. He holds me fiercely, as if never wanting to let me go. Evan’s gaze is full of breathtaking tenderness, a contrast to the primal lust minutes ago. My heart rate slows as he strokes my hair, breathing returning to normal.
“We’re there, aren’t we?” he whispers.
“Where?”
“Last year finally caught us. Is it too late?”
My post-sex, sleepy brain can’t comprehend his words. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve gradually unraveled everything we have, but I don’t want to give up.”
“Evan…” I stroke his cheek, recognizing the pain. “No, we’re not there. The amount I love you means I’m holding on.”
“By your fingernails, I think.” He inhales and stares at the ceiling. “I saw something different today.”
I don’t want Evan to feel more guilt created by Lucy. How can I expect years of behavior to suddenly change?
“Saw what?”
“Lucy. How she behaved towards you, accusing you of threatening my relationship with her. That was eye-opening.”
Closing my eyes, I will him to acknowledge this further. Hoping Lucy inadvertently caused a breakthrough in our relationship. “Surprised me too.”
Propping himself on his elbow, Evan looks down at me. “Ness. You are more important to me than Lucy. Than anyone. I won’t let her ruin this, and I’m telling her to back off. As of now.”
As he strokes my face and kisses me gently, I want to believe he can. There’s no room for her in our relationship. “Okay.”
“I mean this. Everything changes. If I ever lost you, I think I’d lose a part of myself. You and me are more than just you and me. We’re…we.”
He means this; I know he does. And I finally realize he ne
eds my help. Sitting back and letting him perpetuate his unhealthy relationship with his sister was misguided.
“But she does need you sometimes, Evan. Just not every time.”
“I know. I’m starting to see.”
“And we deal with the issues around your mum? Your issues, not hers.”
Evan looks away, takes my hand and rubs my knuckles. “I dealt with her years ago. If she disappears from my life again, I won’t have to think about her.”
I guess one admission that something is messing with his mind for the day is enough. Evan’s denial over the effect of his mother is for another day.
“I’ll try and change too,” I say to myself as much as him.
“All you need to do is let me get closer. I won’t hurt you.” Evan rubs my lip, and I want to believe him, but part of me can’t.
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore. Or talk about this. Let’s draw a line here. Today, we move on.”
Evan grins. “There’s some parts of fighting with you I like.”
“Evan…” I roll my eyes, the fire kindling inside again. He assaults me with tickling, turning me into a giggling mess.
Relaxed. Happy. Moving on.
Chapter Twenty-One
EVAN
Christmas with Ness is non-negotiable.
The day Lucy came to the house and screamed at us, Ness’s home truths and threat to end things opened my eyes. I didn’t contact Lucy for over a week after the day things came to a head. She left ‘Lucy messages’ telling me she has to see me, then following them up days later with rants about how she wants nothing to do with me because I don’t care about her. I’d be relieved, but I know this swing is part of who she is and won’t last. As soon as I tell Lucy I’m not coming to Lancaster for Christmas, I’m greeted with a barrage of abuse and sob stories. Suddenly, shehas to see me again. I almost break, but the realization I need to prove to Ness she’s more important than my responsibility for Lucy intrudes, and I manage to say no to her. There’s other family around, not just Dad. Our family Christmas is extended family too: aunts, uncles, cousins. Ness has never spent a Christmas without her parents and understandably isn’t comfortable having Christmas with my dysfunctional family. Lucy has to be happy with my compromise; I’ll go to Lancaster on Boxing Day for a couple of days, then back to Ness for New Year.
