His voice grates with uneasiness, “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Ivy.”
If it’s one thing that I loathe, it’s being told what I can and can’t do. My temper simmers beneath the surface. “It’s not your problem. It’s my problem. I can’t forgive myself for what I did to you, Jack.”
He pushes off the terrace wall, keeping his hands in his pockets. “Not my problem?” I don’t answer him. “Not my problem, Ivy? How could you think that?” My eyes strain against tears building behind them. Jack shakes his head at the ground with a sigh. “What’s it going to take, Ivy? What’s going to make you let this go?”
“I don’t know,” I utter without meeting his gaze again.
Jack hesitates in the silence, runs a hand through his hair, and walks past me. “Let me know when you figure it out.”
My bedroom door slams shut, making me jump. I teeter from side to side, taking my heels off before tossing them into my room. Shuffling forward, I lean my palms on the wall of the balcony, finding Jack’s suit jacket beneath my fingers. I clutch the fabric in my hand and bring it to my face, taking in the smell of him. I miss you, Jack. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to fix this.
Chapter 4
I coil into myself on my bed as I cry into Jack’s suit jacket clutched tight in my hands. I wish we could go back to the way we were before. Before The Keep changed me. I know I have to find a way to fix things between us. I need time to forgive myself, but I feel time slipping away from me as if I’m going to lose Jack all over again.
Alice glides in through my balcony. She doesn’t speak as she retracts her violet wings and joins me on my bed. Her body curls around me, then her arms pull me back into her firm embrace. I try to keep my empathic walls up, but I’m finding it difficult in my emotional state. Alice attempts to hide the pain I’m unintentionally forcing on her, but I hear it in her tone, “I’m so sorry, honey.”
Her efforts to soothe me turn my cries into convulsions. “I don’t know what to do,” I heave. “I don’t want to hurt him anymore. How do I fix this?”
“Jack loves you. He doesn’t understand why you can’t see that. His love for you is deep. It surpasses anything you could ever do. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty. Jack doesn’t blame you or Solas. He understands. And remember our talk about Solas’ destiny?”
I can only nod in response.
“Well, this is all part of your path. Your destiny is to find Fallen who are capable of redemption. You have to learn to forgive yourself if you’re to forgive others.”
My emotions mellow as I absorb the profound truth of her words. “How can I forgive myself?”
She gives me a squeeze. “Maybe you show him how much you still love him, how much he means to you, and let him love you in return—the way he always has.”
“It can’t be that simple,” I mumble.
“Love’s a powerful emotion. And the love you two have for each other is the kind of love that endures lifetimes of trials and tribulations. You survive because it survives. A love like yours is everlasting and eternal.” She brushes my hair away from my face, “He loves you, and you love him. Let him love you. Let yourself be loved. You won’t survive without it.”
I close my eyes, “I’m so lost, A.”
Alice sighs. “Did I ever tell you how Eric and I met?”
“No,” I answer, wondering what it has to do with forgiving myself.
She begins, “When I was created, I had a hard time understanding the cycle of a mortal’s life and death. I didn’t agree with guiding souls into Sheol, and frankly, it terrified me.”
“What do you mean, ‘created’?” I backtrack, lifting myself up to face her.
Alice sits up, making herself more comfortable. “There are around a hundred and fifty deaths per day. It’s a lot to keep up with for one angel. If a soul’s body dies and a Guide takes too long to reach it, the soul becomes a ghost until it’s found. Paradise creates Guides to join under your father’s ranks and help him keep that from happening.”
More questions stir in my ever turning mind, “But how? Was I…created like you?”
Alice’s eyes widen, “Oh…” She bites her bottom lip, “That might be a question for your dad. See, when a soul’s journey ends on Earth, Azrael may choose it for whatever qualities he looks for in Guides. If a soul’s chosen, they’re kept within the Veil before their destination’s revealed. Then it has to choose if it wants to become a Guide or continue their path into Paradise or Sheol. If they choose to become a Guide, Michael transforms their soul into an immortal essence. When this happens, all of your memories are wiped away. You don’t remember your life before. It’s like being born again—only you’re new immortal body’s twenty years old, whether your mortal body died younger or older.”
“Then I wasn’t created that way. I’ve been a kid and have definitely matured,” I snicker, making Alice smile. I motion for her to continue her original story, “Sorry. Back to how you met Eric.”
“Roanoke Island was my first mission. It was brutal. There was a Fallen rogue who found a way to turn the colony on itself and over a hundred people were poisoned. I was the first to arrive. It was the first time I witnessed such a horrific scene. Everywhere I turned, there were people bleeding from their faces. Most were covered in seeping boils.
“I became a hysterical mess. Eric arrived with four others and found me. He told me that I couldn’t blame myself, that it wasn’t our duty to save them and we had to guide them to their destinations before it was too late. Two Original Archs arrived and somehow made the bodies disappear. That’s why there’s such a big mystery around the Lost Colony.”
Alice repositions herself, and I see the nervous tension in her movements. She recalls, “I hated who I was because I wasn’t in the position to save those who died. It took years for me to learn how to accept who I was and embrace my own destiny. Eric was there for me. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where or who I would be today. He helped me find myself again.”
I’m astounded at her history. I never let myself think about how long they’ve lived and how much they’ve seen. And for Alice to keep hold of her bubbly personality through the violence she’s witnessed, only solidifies the strength she possesses. She’s always telling me that people underestimate her. They truly do. “I’m so sorry, Alice.” She shrugs her shoulders with a tight lipped grimace as she avoids my gaze. I attempt to lighten the mood, “You’re really old.” She quirks a brow to me, and I persist, “I mean, like super old. Like ancient! Like—”
Alice slaps a pillow across my face, “Shut up.”
In faux shock, I blink wide eyed with my mouth agape. I pounce on Alice, wrestling her across the bed in a fit of giggles. Thea calls from the floor below us, “Some of us are trying to sleep!”
We freeze, then fall back to the bed. My cheeks burn as we catch our breath. Alice prompts, “You know, the coffee shop’s having an open mic night tomorrow. Well, in fifteen hours.”
“Yeah? You want to go watch?”
“Actually, I thought maybe you could sign up.” I hesitate to answer, and she persuades, “You said you were lost. Maybe it’ll help you find yourself again. You’re a rock goddess.” She smiles.
I grin to the ceiling, “I am a badass.”
“So, you’ll do it?”
“Why not?”
Three hours before my impending anxiety of stage fright, which I’ve kept secret, I catch myself knocking on Jack’s door. I listen as his bare feet pad across the floor before he answers. His hair’s a mess, and he appears tired as he stands with his large arms tight across his exposed chest. My eyes find the deep ‘V’ of his hip muscles over his sagging sweatpants.
Jack clears his throat. “What can I do for you?” he coaxes with despondence.
“Can I come in?” I question in reserved softness.
He pivots away, making his way to stand before his fireplace, and I follow him inside, closing the door behind me. He regards the fire, waiting
for me to speak.
My hands find their way into the back pockets of my jeans. “I’m sorry, Jack.” He’s silent and unmoving. “I’ve been having a hard time since Sheol. When I came back, I felt defeated. You helped me avoid the flashbacks, and I thank you for that, but… it also made me feel like a coward for not facing my problems.”
Twisting his body to face me, I gulp at the pity in his eyes. I wait for him to say something, but his reserve conveys that he wants to hear everything I have to say first.
I take a deep breath. “I’ve lost everything over the last year. I left my adoptive family and the life I had to come here and start over. I discover I’m not even human, then was kept captive and forced to kill or be killed. When you were taken from me, I broke. I couldn’t go on. Solas held me together, picked me up, and pushed me to keep going.”
Jack takes a cautious step towards me, “What are you saying?”
I swallow the lump in my throat again. “What I’m trying to say is, I realize how much I’ve been hurting you. I don’t want to anymore.”
His strong hands cup my face as he voices the questions in his eyes, “Don’t let this be it for us.”
I grasp his wrists, not wanting his touch to leave me. “I need to find myself again, Jack. I love you. If I can find a way to be me again, I can find a way to forgive myself.”
Jack tilts my head up as he steps closer, his voice barely audible to my angelic hearing, “You still love me?”
“I do,” I whisper, closing my eyes as his nose caresses my cheek.
His lips are a hair’s breadth from my own. My heartbeat quickens, my body becomes flush with heat, and my legs threaten to give out beneath me.
His voice is low and gruff as he demands, “I know where you are. Let me show you.”
Jack’s lips collide with mine in ruthless determination. I give in, letting his passion consume me. Our tongues slide against each other, and Jack tugs me closer, catching me against his hard body. I groan, the sound ringing in my ears.
Before the motion registers, Jack lays me to the ground. His massive frame hovers over me as his mouth finds the vein in my neck fluttering with every beat of my heart. My fingers bite into his shoulders, and I gasp with the pressure of him against me.
His lips brush against my ear with his husky tone, “You are mine, and I am yours.” His lips trace my cheek to the corner of my mouth with gentle sensuality.
“Always,” I utter against his lips. I witness his eyes darken, full of want. My world’s ripped away with Jack’s touch, and I surrender myself over to him. I’d forgotten how deep he affects me. I revel the weightlessness of my thoughts as he teaches me how to love and be loved again.
My phone dings across the room beneath my discarded jeans. Jack groans, not wanting to release me from his embrace on the floor. I kiss his chest and murmur, “That’s probably Alice.” He kisses my temple and we detangle ourselves from each other.
Hunting for my clothes, I dress as I cross the room for my phone.
Alice: Heads up. Leaving n 20.
Me: B right down.
I turn to Jack as he comes out of the bathroom fully dressed in dark jeans, a tight black shirt, and his signature ball cap low on his face, “Do you feel like going out tonight?”
“What do you have planned?” he asks, straightening up the mess we made.
“We’re going to the coffee shop for open mic night,” I offer.
“Yeah,” he smiles.
“I’m driving,” I inform him with no room for argument.
We caravan into town, Jack and I leading the way in my car while Alice and Eric follow in Eric’s red Charger. The Griffins ride in the silver Challenger Solas purchased during our trip from The Keep to Evelyn’s estate last October.
The half hour drive to the coffee shop on the corner of Red Meadow University’s campus has me restless in reflection. Making love to Jack—or rather, letting Jack make love to me—wasn’t my intention when I entered his room. Yet the calming effect his presence has on me, paired with the tension of our feelings for each other, melted my heart into giving him every part of me. It makes me wonder about his abilities.
With Jack undoubtedly pondering our relationship in awkward silence, I prompt, “Jack?”
“Hmm?” he hums, closed mouthed, continuing to stare out of the passenger window.
“You’ve never talked about it before, and I never asked, but…I understand there are some angels with multiple abilities and some that don’t have any…” I take a breath from my babbling, not certain how to go about my question, and ask with timid hesitation, “Which category do you fall in?”
That charming smile that drives the butterflies in my stomach crazy for escape, graces his face as he challenges, “You mean, you haven’t figured it out?”
I smirk, “I have my theories.”
“And what would they be?”
“Well, either I’m delusional or you have a calming effect on the nervous system.”
A single snicker accompanies the twitch in the corner of his mouth. “Your assumption’s only somewhat true.”
My brows rise, “Somewhat?”
To prove his point, Jack brushes my hair behind my ear, letting his fingertips trail beneath it to the back of my neck. My pensiveness fades to serenity, a grin spreading across my lips. He allows the feeling to linger a moment before it intensifies to pure joy. I want to cry with happiness, but my emotions burst into ecstasy. With a sharp intake of breath, I squeeze my knees together as my hands strain against the steering will and I try not to wreck from my instant orgasm.
Jack’s fingers graze the gooseflesh of my nape as he pulls them away with a self-satisfied expression etched in his veneer.
Left breathless, I marvel, “What was that?”
He licks his lips. “It’s called, Pathokinesis. It’s the ability to manipulate the emotions of others. Very few know about my ability, and I let them assume I don’t have one.”
Raising my left hand from the steering wheel, I vow, “Your secret’s safe with me.” He chuckles. “So, do you have to be touching someone for it to work?”
“Na’,” he shakes his head. “I just like touching you.”
I give his cocky grin a sidelong glance. “Can you make people feel anything?”
“I don’t like to, but yeah.”
“Care to elaborate?”
Jack begins listing, “Rage, contempt, remorse, disapproval, awe, fear, trust, hope, peace, joy…arousal.” He winks at me as I blush.
When we arrive at the coffee shop, the parking lot’s packed. We’re forced to park two blocks down. I shut the car off and sit with the keys in my lap, attempting to center myself before I have to get on stage.
“Ready?” Jack encourages.
I purse my lips as I focus through the windshield. “So, in light of our conversation… would you mind helping me out tonight while I’m on stage?”
“You’re playing?”
I avoid his eyes and gaze down to the keys in my hands. “Um… yeah. I wanted it to be a surprise but…” I let my statement linger in the air between us as I watch our friends converge behind my car, waiting for us.
He drawls, “But…”
I lower my voice, “I have a little secret of my own that I’d like to keep between us.” Jack gives me a nervous nod. “I have horrible stage fright.”
“What!” he booms before he gives a disbelieving chuckle. I glower at his amusement, and his countenance falls serious. He leans forward speaking low, “Really?”
I roll my eyes. “Could you just help me out, please?” I mumble.
Jack pulls my chin to face him, “Anything for you, Sunshine.” He leans forward, tilting my head up, and kisses me softly.
All eyes are on us as we exit my Evo. We’re met with looks of astonishment, censure, concern, and approval. I brush off Alice’s cocky grin that says ‘I told you so’, pivoting away to retrieve my acoustic guitar from the back seat.
We push our way through the
crowd drowning the coffee shop entrance. Everyone makes their way to the patio out back while I find the person in charge of the lineup for the night.
I catch a barista with a mic on her head, reviewing the clipboard in her hands. I tap her on the shoulder, “Excuse me?”
She spins around, surprise in her eyes. “Haven’t seen you ‘round here in a while,” she says.
Offering a small smile, I examine, “Yeah. Um…Emily, right?”
She nods once, cocking her hip out, “The one and only.”
I fidget uncomfortably with memories of Trey working alongside her. Those thoughts merge with the night Beleth forced me to take his life. Then, I remember Trey’s smiling face in the Veil before he returned to Paradise—the first demon to be welcomed into Paradise for sure, being as I unintentionally gifted him with a mortal soul.
I refocus, “Right. Well, I should be on the list tonight.”
Emily scans the list on her clipboard with the pen in her opposite hand, “Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, Ivy… Ah! Here ya’ are.” This place used to be like my second home. It doesn’t surprise me she knows my name. She pulls a yellow wristband from her apron, handing it to me, “You’re after Aubrey.”
I take the wristband, “Thanks.”
“Good luck!” she wishes as I stalk away from her to find everyone outside.
It takes way too long to get through the patio doors because of the crowd. I’m assaulted with the boom of some goth guy screeching on stage. These poor people, I think as I force my way through. If it wasn’t for my bond with Jack, I wouldn’t find them for a while. God! Fucking move! Some jock gives me the stink eye as I shove past his burly RMU clad body. Fuck you, asshole!
Finding Alice, I yank her ponytail twice for her attention. “Hey, who’s up right now?” I ask her as we stand off against the wooden fence line decorated with retro-chic antiques and gaudy photoshopped posters.
Gilded Inferno (The Helio Trilogy Book 2) Page 5
