I’d thought of talking to him about it, but I was afraid he’d find out what was going on, and I remembered what he’d said the one time I’d deliberately broken the rules at school. It had been when I was in Grade 1, and I’d refused to change into my indoor shoes when I entered the classroom because they had flowers on them, and the other kids teased me about it. I didn’t want to tell Grandad that because he’d bought them for me for my birthday, so I just refused to wear them. After a few days of this, the teacher called Grandad.
When I got home that day, he said, “Rules are rules.” I remember saying I thought having to change shoes was a silly rule, and Grandad saying it was a rule all the same. Then I sulked and said, “I don’t like rules,” and Grandad said, “Neither did your father. Don’t end up like him.”
I didn’t understand what he meant by that until years later, but I knew he was serious, and from then on, although I still got teased, I obeyed the rule. Now, although I hadn’t broken any of the rules in the Code of Conduct, I still didn’t want Grandad to hear about the brawl with St. Croix, because I knew he’d be disappointed with my part in it.
“Ahoy there,” a voice boomed through the trees, interrupting my thoughts. “Anyone around?”
It was Toby, at the foot of the bank.
I looked down. A few leaves had already started to fall and through a gap in the foliage the evening sun was shining like a golden spotlight illuminating the length of our Cemetery Road soccer field.
I stood so Toby could see me. “Hey, Big T.”
As I ran down the slope to join him, Brian appeared over the other bank, followed by Julie, Linh-Mai and the twins.
We stuck branches in the ground for goals and played girls against boys, then had a penalty shootout until it started to get dark.
When we met after school the next day, Brian brought Flip and Quan, who had received demerits for play-fighting during recess.
“Now we’re both suspended from soccer for the rest of the year,” shrugged Quan.
“So I brought them along,” said Brian.
“To the secret club,” said Julie.
“Are we a club?” asked Jillian.
“We’re a secret club for suspended soccer players,” I said.
“You can’t be a member then,” said Brian.
“It was my idea to play here!”
“But you’re not suspended. You don’t break rules. You haven’t even got one demerit,” Brian challenged.
As I walked home with Julie after our game, I was still thinking about what Brian had said. In a way, I felt like a traitor to my friends, because I hadn’t been suspended from soccer yet. I was torn between betraying my friends and letting down Grandad.
6
Betrayal
In the end, I didn’t have to make a choice about whom to betray. The choice was made for me.
And I betrayed Grandad.
Julie, Toby and I were heading to the cafeteria when Julie asked how my grandad was feeling. The night before he’d complained of being tired and dizzy, and I’d called Julie’s mom, who used to be a nurse.
“He keeps saying he’s all right, but I’m not sure,” I told Julie.
“Mom will keep an eye on him,” said Julie.
“I know. But still —” I said nervously.
Julie gave me a reassuring hug. “He’ll be all right.”
Miss Little, on duty at the end of the hallway, called, “No touching, children.”
Mr. Justason emerged from his office. “What was that? Who’s doing the touching, Miss Little?” There was an uncomfortable pause.
“Nobody,” Miss Little said. “It was only a quick hug.”
“By whom?” he demanded.
Miss Little looked apologetically at us. “Julie and Shay.”
“That’s inappropriate,” Justason said sternly. “Both of you get demerits.”
“You can’t give me a demerit,” Julie shot back. “I’m suspended from soccer already.”
“In that case …” said Mr. Justason, “I’ll … I’ll carry your demerits into next year. You’re benched for half the first game of next year.”
“Hey, everybody,” Toby wisecracked, “Julie has a demerit credit.”
“That’s a demerit for you, too,” the principal replied savagely.
Toby and Julie laughed.
“I suggest the two of you take a lesson from Shay on how to accept reprimands,” finished Mr. Justason icily.
His glance fell to Julie’s feet as he turned towards his office. “You’re wearing a bracelet on your ankle. That’s unnecessary personal decoration. Get rid of it.”
He marched into his office.
“No way,” breathed Julie.
When I started to follow Mr. Justason, Julie tried to stop me. She knew that I was about to do something extreme. She knew it took a lot for me to reach my limit sometimes, but when I did, I went all out. That’s what happened in the game with St. Croix, when I attacked Hawler.
“That wasn’t fair,” I blurted out at Mr. Justason. “What’s wrong with Julie hugging me? She was just trying to … show support about Grandad.”
“Touching is inappropriate in school,” lectured the principal. “What your Grandad allows at home is your business, but I will not tolerate that behaviour here.”
And that’s when I betrayed Grandad.
“If I said that was stupid, would that cost me a demerit for being disrespectful?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And if I said the Code of Conduct sucks …”
“That would be two more demerits — for rudeness and for using inappropriate language.”
“Getting a demerit for a hug is stupid and the Code of Conduct sucks.”
“You’re suspended from soccer for the rest of the year,” said Mr. Justason, quietly and tight-lipped.
I stalked out and found Miss Little in the hallway.
“I’ll try talking to Mr. Justason again,” she whispered.
“It won’t do any good,” I muttered.
“I’ll try, anyway, and if Mr. Justason won’t listen, then perhaps I’ll try someone else.” She marched into the principal’s office.
Julie and Toby were waiting for me in the cafeteria. Brian was there, too.
“What happened?” said Julie.
“I told Mr. Justason that you and me getting a demerit for inappropriate touching was stupid, and that you getting a demerit for wearing a little ankle bracelet wasn’t fair, and that the Code of Conduct sucked, and now I’m suspended from soccer for the year.”
“Congratulations,” said Brian.
“I knew you were going to do something like that,” said Julie. She put her hand on my arm. “Are you calmed down yet?”
“Not until I’ve broken every rule in the Code of Conduct,” I said.
As we walked home after our next game at the Cemetery Road, Brian said, “But why do you have to break every rule?”
“Because if I’m going to break one rule, I’m going to break them all,” I said.
“It’s the way he is,” said Julie.
“Will it do any good?” Toby wondered.
“It won’t make Mr. Justason change his mind about the Code of Conduct, but that’s not the point. The point is — to make a statement. Are you with me?”
“We’ve broken most of the rules already,” said Brian. “What’s left?”
“There’s the rule about academic average, but that’s easy to break. All we have to do is flunk a couple of tests.”
“I can manage that,” Brian commented.
“I’ve flunked already,” Toby said proudly. “So what’s next?”
“Not much,” I admitted. “We’ve all behaved irresponsibly and disrespectfully.”
“And I got a demerit for dressing inappropria
tely, just because my stomach was showing for half a second when I stretched,” said Julie. She added thoughtfully, “Linh-Mai got one, too, because of her coloured hair and her rings. How come it’s just the girls who get demerits for dressing inappropriately?”
“We’ll change that,” I said.
That’s how Toby, Brian and I came to wear nose rings and show our stomachs at school the next day. We folded our T-shirts inside themselves to bare our stomachs, and borrowed nose rings from Linh-Mai.
“Make sure you wash them before you give them back,” she threatened.
We got ready in the classroom before school started. Julie and Linh-Mai helped us fix our nose rings — they were clip on ones — and we’d just tucked our T-shirts up inside themselves when Ms. Watkins walked in for French. She looked at us and burst out laughing. At recess we paraded up and down the hallway in front of Mr. Justason’s office until he saw us. I don’t know whether he gave us demerits. That wasn’t the point of doing it.
Toby asked, “Can I be exempted from inappropriate touching?” Julie, Toby and I were looking after the flower shop for Grandad on Saturday morning.
“Why?” I said.
Toby flushed. “I’ll be embarrassed.”
“We’ll do it with you,” I offered. “We got demerits for a little hug; let’s break the rule properly this time.”
“I know,” said Julie. “Let’s go around kissing everybody! Justason will love that.”
“Bleccch!” said Toby.
We had the “kiss-in” two days later at lunch time in the cafeteria when Mr. Justason was on duty. Julie made sure he watched as she hugged and kissed me. I gave her a quick one back.
“Now you, Brian,” Julie urged.
Brian turned to Jillian, who was sitting beside him, and asked, “Can I kiss you?”
Jillian recoiled in horror. “I’d sooner stick my face in a puddle of cold vomit.”
“Is that a no?” said Brian.
“Just kidding,” said Jillian. She grabbed him and kissed him, and he kissed her back.
Mr. Justason, watching us, just shook his head.
“Are you joining the kiss-in?” Julie asked Toby.
“Later.”
But at the end of the day, Toby still hadn’t kissed anyone.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“Don’t know how to,” Toby mumbled.
“What do you mean — you don’t know how? You just stick your lips on someone’s face. It’s easy.” Toby had been hard to steer onto the kissing topic the whole walk home from school.
“Easy for you to say. You’ve done it.”
“You must have kissed your mom at least.”
“We’re not a kissing family. We’re more of a hugging and punching family. Mom hugs me, and Conrad punches me — not hard, just lightly, usually on the shoulder. It’s what they do instead of kissing me, I think.”
“Didn’t your mom ever kiss you good night when you were little?”
“No.”
“What did she do, then? I’m sure she didn’t just tuck you in and leave you.”
Toby looked sheepish.
“Well?” I prompted.
“She hugged me.”
“And?”
“And said, ‘Silly billy teepums, time to go to sleepums.’”
I shook my head. “No wonder you’re weird.”
“I thought I could find out how to do it from my How Girls and Boys Are Different book. There’s all kinds of stuff in there, but nothing about kissing. Then I looked up kissing in the dictionary, and all it says is something about touching lips.”
“You can practice when we get home — on a cushion.”
“I’ll suffocate.”
“Okay, a balloon. I’ve got some left over from Grandad’s birthday.”
“It might burst. It could blow my head off.”
“Girls know more about kissing than boys,” I said. “We’ll ask Julie to help.”
Toby blushed.
When Julie joined us later, I said, “Toby’s got a problem.”
“Only one?” said Julie.
“Ha, ha,” said Toby.
“He wants to know how to kiss,” I said. “He needs someone to practice on.”
Julie looked at Toby. “Someone like me, I suppose.”
“Can you show him how?” I pleaded.
“You better be careful, Toby,” she warned. “I don’t want you slobbering all over my face. Okay. Close your eyes.”
Toby closed his eyes.
“Put your lips together and push them a little bit forward.”
Toby obeyed again.
Julie crossed silently to him, kissed him, and said, “That’s all there is to it.”
“That’s easy,” he said.
Conrad arrived to visit Grandad and give Toby a ride home. He came straight in the house and called, “Anyone home?”
I called, “Grandad’s watching television. We’re up here.”
“Hi, guys,” Conrad called. “What are you doing?”
“Toby’s kissing Julie,” I said.
“That boy’s out of control,” Conrad muttered.
* * *
The next day, they kissed in the cafeteria, while the rest of us clapped. Toby thanked Julie for helping him.
“How was it?” he asked.
“Yours was lovely …” said Julie.
Toby blushed.
“How was mine?” she pressed.
Toby put his hands over his heart and said, “It was like being kissed by a cloud.”
Julie stuck her finger down her throat and pretended she was going to throw up. Then she turned to me. “Now what rule do we have to break?”
“Next — we do drugs,” I said.
7
Ice
But I don’t do drugs,” said Toby.
“I don’t know anything about drugs and I don’t want to,” Julie added firmly.
“Neither do I,” I admitted. “But the Code says no drugs, so if we’re going to break every rule, we have to find some. I know who to ask.”
“Who?” asked Toby.
“Ice,” I said.
Ice was already in Grade 6 when we started kindergarten. Now he was at the high school. I knew him — sort of — because just after I’d started kindergarten, I got lost on my way to class and ended up down by the gym, where the Grade 6 students used to hang out in the changing rooms. One of them came out and said, “There’s a baby in the hallway.” Another looked out and said, “Bring him in here. Give him a smoke.” One took my hand and started to lead me into the changing rooms when Ice came out and said, “Quit it.” They let me go immediately. Ice bent down to me and said, “I guess you’re looking for Miss Little’s room. Go down there and turn right — you know which is your right? — and you’ll see it in front of you.” He watched me walk uncertainly back down the hallway. When I reached the place he’d told me to turn right, I looked back, and he gave an encouraging nod. After that, although we never spoke, whenever he saw me he’d give a tiny wink of his eye. When he went to high school I saw him only occasionally, around the town, or watching our soccer games, and he was always with a bunch of older students. But we still acknowledged one another, he by lifting his index finger and carving a small arc in the air, me with a little nod of my head. I wouldn’t say we were friends — but it was a kind of acquaintance.
“How do you know Ice has drugs?” asked Toby.
“Everybody knows,” I said.
Julie nodded in agreement.
“How do you know where to find him?” Toby persisted.
“Everybody knows that, too,” I said.
Julie nodded again.
“Everybody except me, I guess,” said Toby.
It was two days after the kiss-in
and we were on Main Street, walking home from school. I led the way as we cut down the alley between Valley Hardware and the Main Street Convenience to Main Street Parallel, a dirt road that runs behind the businesses on Main Street. Ice was on the other side of the road, at the edge of a patch of dense, scrubby woods. He was huddled with two high school students, and they were smoking. I beckoned to him. He said something to his friends and they laughed. He sauntered over. His jeans and his sweat shirt and his long trench coat were black, and his long, wild, curly hair was black, too. It hung over his eyes. His face was thin and carved inwards under his cheek bones.
He sucked on his cigarette, threw it on the ground, and trod on it. “What’s up, guys?”
His voice was low and raspy.
I took a deep breath. “Do you have any drugs?”
He looked us over and grunted, “What sort of drugs?”
“Any sort.”
“Dextromethorpham?”
I nodded. “Sounds good.”
“That’s cough medicine.”
“Oh.”
“You want something a little stronger? This stuff’s good.”
He produced a small plastic container and shook some white powder from it into the palm of his hand. “Try some.” He held his hand towards Toby.
Toby looked from the powder to Ice. “Do I lick it or sniff it?”
Ice laughed. “You can do what you like with it but it won’t give you much of a buzz. It’s baby powder. I use it to stop my collar chafing.” He rubbed it on his neck and went on, “I’d guess you guys are new to the drug scene.”
“We’ve used plenty of drugs,” Julie retorted quickly.
“Like what, darling?” Ice challenged.
“Don’t call me darling,” she snapped.
“What do you want me to call you — sweetheart?”
Julie snorted, folded her arms, and looked away.
Ice laughed again. “Look — I know what you’re doing. You’re breaking all the rules — right? We heard about it up at the high school, and it’s cool. Of course, all your little rebellion is going to get you is a load of trouble, but it’s cool. Now, if you want to break the rule about drugs, there’s an easier way than getting into any stupid bad stuff.”
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