by Lee Goldberg
After two hours, the grave was barely three feet deep. And the longer Eddie worked, the worse he smelled. Sweat, shit and piss were caked on him like a second layer of clothes. Captain Pierce wanted to kill him just to stop the odor. But there was a worse stink in the house to deal with first.
"Enough!" the Captain yelled.
Eddie dropped the shovel and dropped to his knees, hands folding in front of him.
"I made a terrible mistake, and I'm ready to make amends. Let me live, and I'll not only make you the Captain, but co-exec producer too!"
He wasn't sure why he was bothering to beg. Between the electric shocks and the hard work, he was probably going to die from a massive heart attack at any moment.
"Get up," the Captain barked, "I'm not done with you yet."
"I can't dig any more," Eddie whined, getting to his feet. "I've got blisters all over my hands."
"You're finished digging," The Captain motioned Eddie towards the house with the gun. "It's time to bring the bodies out."
"Bodies?" Eddie asked.
"They're in the brig," Captain Pierce jammed the gun into Eddie's back.
"Move."
Eddie opened the screen door and stepped into the house.
After being kidnapped, shoved in the trunk of his car, electrocuted a couple times, and forced to dig his own grave, he thought he was past being shocked by anything. Certainly, by anything as mundane as decor. He was wrong.
"I love what you've done with the place," Eddie said carefully. "Very homey."
He knew Guy Goddard was insane, but he didn't know just how far gone the man really was until he saw the bridge of the starship Endeavor crudely recreated in the man's living room.
"The damage isn't as bad as it looks," The Captain said. "This starship is as space-worthy as the day it left Jupiter's orbit, Chief Engineer Glerp has seen to that. All it needs are a few nitrozine power cells."
He pushed Eddie towards the hallway. The stench of rot was so strong, it overwhelmed Eddie's own foul smell. The sound of gurgling water and buzzing flies echoed off the walls as they approached the bathroom. Eddie paused outside the door, not wanting to look inside.
"I really shouldn't lift anything heavy without a brace," Eddie said. "I've got a herniated disc in my lower back."
Captain Pierce lifted his foot and gave Eddie a sharp kick in the ass, sending Eddie tumbling into the bathroom. Eddie landed in Clive Odett's lap, looked up and saw the dead agent's frozen face hanging over him, flies swarming in his eyes, nose and mouth.
Eddie screamed and scrambled back, right on top of Bev Huncke's mushy, putrid corpse. He screamed again and jerked away, slamming his head against the porcelain sink. That's when he saw Zita standing against the wall behind the door, a butcher knife gleaming in her hands.
She put a finger to her lips. Shoosh.
"Stop whining and get to work," demanded Captain Pierce, standing in the hall, unable to see Zita behind the door.
Eddie understood it then. Whoever she was, she wasn't here to hurt him. She was here to help.
Zita motioned for him to take away the dead woman. Eddie bent over Bev, noticing for the first time that she had a rubber elephant nose on her face. Grabbing her by the ankles, he slowly backed out of the room, dragging her out.
Captain Pierce stepped aside to let Eddie drag the corpse past him, then followed Eddie down the hall, keeping his gun trained on him.
They were nearly in the living room, when Eddie looked up and saw Zita creeping up behind Captain Pierce, her knife raised high, ready to plunge it into his back.
What Eddie didn't see was Melvah beside him, on the other side of the archway, holding a baseball bat. She shoved Captain Pierce down and swung the bat at Zita's face, connecting with a loud, wet smack.
Zita's head snapped back between her shoulder blades and she collapsed, dead before she hit the floor.
Captain Pierce glanced down at the caved-in face of his attacker, the knife still gripped in her dead hand and gave Melvah an appreciate smile.
"Good work, Ensign," the Captain said.
Melvah nodded and tossed her bat aside. She couldn't bear to look at what she'd done.
Neither could Eddie. His last hope was gone.
Captain Pierce aimed his gun at Eddie. "Looks like you're going to have to dig that grave a little deeper."
Chapter Twenty Seven
While Eddie used Zita's knife to cut the duct tape that held Clive Odett's corpse to the toilet, he considered his situation.
This was the fourth act, the hero was in deep shit, and the bad guys were in control. Melvah paced in the hall, the gun held at her side. Captain Pierce was "on the bridge," contemplating his next move. But like all villains, they were so sure of themselves, they'd gotten sloppy.
They gave him a knife.
All Eddie had to do was spin around and throw the knife at Melvah's neck, impaling her dead to the wall. He'd catch the gun before it hit the floor, creep silently down the hall, and as Captain Pierce swiveled around in his command chair, he'd fire a bullet right into his twisted brain. In less than two minutes, they'd be dead and he'd be free.
The end of another thrilling episode. Stay tuned for scenes from next week's show.
Unfortunately, Eddie had the imagination, he didn't have the skill.
If this was a TV show, he had everything he needed to prevail over his captors. But in real life, even if he were able to spin around without slipping on the linoleum, Melvah would shoot him before the knife was out of his hand. And even if she didn't, he had no idea how to throw a knife any way. He'd probably slice off his fingers and miss her by a foot.
The last piece of tape tore, and Clive Odett fell forward onto the floor, a duct-taped mummy ready for burial.
It was now or never. Lunge at her with the knife. Die like hero.
But Eddie wasn't a hero. A hero's legs wouldn't be stiff after an hour on his knees. A hero wouldn't need to set the knife down and grab the sink to pull himself up.
Melvah looked at Eddie. "What are you waiting for? Get him out of here."
Maybe he couldn't fight his way out of this, but there was another way. He was a producer, it was time to behave like one. Deal, baby, deal.
* * * * * *
Charlie Willis pulled Alison's blue Miata over to the curb across the street from Guy Goddard's deteriorating ranch-style house. There was an old Buick parked out front with the words "Shuttle Craft One" spray painted on it, a balled-up rag shoved into the tank passing for a gas cap. A sparkling new, black Lexus, with the personal plate ExecProd, was parked in the carport beside the house.
"That's Eddie's car," Alison said, stating the obvious.
"Call the police," Charlie pulled himself out of the convertible. "I'll be right back."
"What are you going to do?"
"Take a look around," Charlie said. "Nothing to worry about."
While Alison made the call, Charlie sprinted across the street, crept up to the side of Guy Goddard's house, and peeked through the bathroom window.
* * * * * *
Eddie put his hands under Odett's arms and dragged him out of the bathroom. Melvah stepped aside to let Eddie past, but kept her gun on him.
"Guy Goddard's a complete whacko, he really believes he's Captain Pierce and this house is the starship Endeavor," Eddie said. "But I think you know he's a washed up actor and this is a dump in Van Nuys."
"I don't give a shit what you think," she followed him down the hall.
"You know he's never going to play Captain Pierce again," Eddie whispered. "Killing me isn't going to change that. But you never really cared about Goddard, did you? You have a different agenda."
"Shut up," she hissed.
* * * * * *
Charlie ducked under the bathroom window. He had to do something to save Eddie. But what could he do? There were at least two bad guys in the house, and one of them had a gun. Which was one more gun than Charlie had.
Keeping low, Charlie crept quickl
y and quietly towards the backyard. He peered around the edge of the house and saw the open grave, a shovel sticking up in the dirt.
Charlie figured Eddie had about two minutes left to live.
Eddie opened the screen door with his butt and backed outside, Odett's head clunking on the two steps leading to the yard as he pulled him out.
"There is a way you can get what you want."
"I've already got what I want," Melvah said. "I'm running Beyond the Beyond."
Eddie dragged Odett to the grave and pushed him on top of Zita and Bev. Now he was the only one left to kill and throw in the pit. Deal, Eddie, deal.
"No, you're not, you're just sitting at my desk," Eddie said. "You kill me and they'll bring in another show-runner to take my place. And he'll boot you off the lot, just like I did. You can kill every producer in Hollywood and you'll still never get the show. But like I said, there is a way."
And if he couldn't convince her, Melvah would shoot him and bury the bodies. But she'd have to do it with her bare hands, the shovel was gone.
"I'm listening," she said.
"Let me go, and your problems are solved," Eddie tried to keep his voice from cracking.
"I don't see how," Melvah replied.
"You were born to write this show, you know everything about the universe and, let's face it, I don't know shit about Beyond the Beyond," Eddie said. "But I've got something you don't, network approval. I'm a certified show-runner. As long as I'm executive producer, in name only, you can write every script, make every decision, while I keep the network off your back and collect my paycheck. Hell, you'd be doing me a favor."
"What about them?" she motioned to the grave with her gun. He saw some hope.
"Water under the bridge," Eddie waved his hand, brushing the whole, ugly incident away. "They weren't friends of mine anyway."
* * * * * *
Alison counted to ten, like Charlie told her, and then lit the match, touching the flame to the rag that was shoved into the gas tank of "Shuttle Craft One." Then she ran for cover behind her Miata.
* * * * * *
Melvah pointed the gun at Eddie's head. "I don't think so."
"Why not?" Eddie whimpered, falling to his knees.
"You have no respect for human life," she said.
"I don't?" he said. "I haven't killed anybody."
"Your actions have," she said. "Bev and I served fandom together for years. Zita and I were lovers. If I don't kill you, they died for nothing."
Melvah cocked the trigger, Eddie closed his eyes, and there was an earth-shaking explosion.
But it wasn't a gunshot Eddie heard, it was a '71 Buick Riviera blowing up.
Melvah whirled towards the sound, and Charlie burst out of hiding beside the house, swinging the shovel, whacking her across the back. She tumbled into the grave, the gun flying out of her hand into the weeds.
Eddie rose to his feet and stared at Charlie. What an entrance. "In-fucking-credible."
Charlie peered into the grave. Melvah was as still as the corpses. He'd never seen the woman with the elephant nose before, but he recognized Odett.
Alison rushed into the backyard, a relieved smile breaking out on her face the instant she saw them.
Eddie held out his arms for a big, cinematic hug. She ran to past him and embraced Charlie.
Eddie's feelings weren't hurt. She'd hug him in the TV movie version — and he'd take out Melvah in the bathroom with the knife. He looked beyond her at the black smoke curling into the sky behind the house. Approaching sirens wailed in the distance. What a shot. But it still needed line, a button to end on.
"The nightmare is finally over," Eddie said into the non-existent camera. Cue the music, bring up the credits.
"Not quite," Charlie said. "Where's Goddard?"
Eddie motioned to the house. Charlie had no sense of drama. "He's on the bridge."
"What does that mean?" Charlie asked.
"You'll see," Eddie said.
Charlie started towards the house. Alison grabbed his arm.
"Please don't. The police are on the way," she said. "Let them handle it."
Charlie shook his head. "I have to finish this."
* * * * * *
The moment Captain Pierce felt the blast, he knew the Endeavor was under attack by the aliens. He strapped himself into the command chair and turned to Dr. Kelvin.
"Report," the Captain snapped.
"We're surrounded by three, unidentified alien vessels," she said. "They've got the ship locked in a grapnel beam."
"We're trapped," Mr. Snork said.
"There's always options, Mr. Snork." The Captain opened a channel to engineering deck. "Mr. Glerp, redirect all power to propulsion and prepare for ultra-light speed."
"I can't, sir," Glerp replied. "The grapnel beam has neutralized our nitrozine power cells. We're powerless."
"As long as we have our humanity, we'll never be powerless." Captain Pierce clicked off the communicator. "Dr. Kelvin, if we convert our deflector shields into reflector shields, I think we can—"
"You're all alone, Goddard," a voice said.
The Captain looked up. A humanoid alien stood in front of the main view screen, wearing a Confederation Captain's uniform. And he was right, the crew had disappeared! The bridge was empty, except for him and the alien.
Somehow, Captain Pierce always knew it would come to this. A face-to-face confrontation with evil, the fate of the universe hanging in the balance.
"It's just you and me," Charlie said.
"I may be just one man, but standing behind me are the millions of creatures on the hundreds of worlds that make up the Confederation of Aligned Planets. That's what this insignia on my chest stands for, buster. I'll die on their behalf before I'll surrender to your tyranny."
"Is that why you killed Chad Shaw and Leigh Dickson?"
"You can steal our faces, copy our ships, but there's one thing you can never replicate, our indomitable human spirit."
Charlie understood it all now. So simple, so crazy, so very sad. Outside, he could hear the police cars and fire engines coming around the corner. Any moment now, the officers would come in.
"It's over now, Goddard." Charlie said. "The police are here. Let's go."
"You've got a lot to learn about the human race. Initiating self destruct sequence," Captain Pierce pressed the button on a garage door remote. "Now."
Captain Pierce unhitched his seat belt and stood up, defiant, the remote control in his hand. "Anyone tries to board or leave this ship, and the magnetic containment field around the fusion core will fail. An instant later, the ship will explode, taking your vessels along with it."
Charlie sighed. "We aren't in outer space, and this isn't a starship."
"And I suppose this isn't a galaxy-class fusion core reactor," the Captain lifted the top off the helm console, revealing a compartment packed full of dynamite, surrounded by blinking Christmas lights.
Charlie also saw a bag of nails, a sack of ball-bearings, three Neil Diamond CDs, a couple bottles of lighter fluid, a box of Grape Nuts, and the innards of a garage door opener.
"I haven't seen many fusion cores reactors like this," Charlie said.
"I had the Chief Engineer rig this one up especially for me. Anyone opens a door now, or if I press this remote, the ship explodes."
"What do you hope to gain by blowing up the ship?"
"It's not what I gain," the Captain said, "it's what you lose. I won't let the flagship of the Confederation fall into alien hands."
"And I can't let you kill any more people," Charlie reached into the console, unscrewed a Christmas light, and tossed it across the room. "I've disarmed it."
The Captain glared at Charlie in shock. "You said you'd never seen a reactor like this."
"I lied," Charlie shifted his gaze past the Captain and yelled, "Come on in, boys."
Captain Pierce turned to look and Charlie leaped into the main view screen. As Charlie crashed through the plate glass windo
w, Captain Pierce screamed in fury and pressed his remote.
The house exploded like a popcorn kernel, the walls bursting out and lifting the entire structure into the air.
The blast sent Charlie cartwheeling through the air. He smacked against the sheet metal roof of the carport and toppled into the weeds, where he was impaled on a rusted umbrella stand.
The first thing he was aware of was agony, and that made him happy. It meant he was still alive. When he opened his eyes, and blinked away the blood, he saw the bloody umbrella stand poking through his stomach. And beyond that, all he saw was flames.
And then he saw something else, a naked figure rising out of the ground, skin smoking, hair ablaze.
The fire had seared the clothes off Melvah's body, and burned away most of her skin, but she didn't care. She only wanted one thing. She lifted the shovel above her blazing head and marched towards Charlie, impaled and helpless in the flaming weeds.
"You don't want to do that," Charlie croaked.
"Fuck you," she rasped, and swung at his head.
In the same instant, he reached into the weeds, whipped up the red-hot Magnum and emptied it into her, sending her skittering backward in a windstorm of bullets that dropped her right back into her grave.
And then the pain went away, and so did everything else.
EPILOGUE
Alamogordo Scripts Divorce
HOLLYWOOD - Mandy Alamogordo filed for divorce from her husband of 25 years, screenwriter Nick Alamogordo, citing "irreconcilable differences."
She will keep custody of their three children, their Marin County estate, and Newport Beach vacation home. Sources say she will also receive a one-time payment of $25 million, in addition to an undisclosed monthly alimony and child support payment.
Nick Alamogordo, currently scripting Cop Another Feel, was unavailable for comment...
Selleck Conquers 'Planet,' Shari Beds Herself
HOLLYWOOD - Tom Selleck has been signed to play producer Eddie Planet in One Man's Justice: The Ordeal of Eddie Planet, the UBC docudrama based on the notorious Beyond the Beyond murders.
