by Sue Seabury
Diana considered me for a moment before replying. “Promise you won’t laugh.”
“I promise.”
“Or make fun.”
“Promise.”
“Or tell anyone at school - or your brother, especially not him.”
“I swear. I never tell Trey anything anyway.”
I was totally intrigued now. I hope I can keep my promise.
“Okay,” said Diana with a big sigh that denoted the utmost gravity. She walked over to her closet and went inside. “Remember, we’re friends Jane. And friends don’t trample on other friends’ dreams.”
Scientific fact: Stress hormones have a detrimental effect on every system in the body. Releasing endorphins can help repair the damages.
Fortunately a good endorphin-releasing laugh was near at hand.
I don’t know what I imagined she might have had stashed inside that closet. A real live petty officer yeoman maybe.
One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was to hold it together when Diana emerged fully outfitted as Wonder Woman, lasso of truth and all.
“So,” she said. “This is who I’ve always wanted to be.”
Even though I had promised not to poke fun I said, “Well, I guess with a name like Diana Prinz, it was fate.”
Diana was not amused. “Jane! You promised!”
“Sorry.” Still working very hard to control myself, I said as seriously as I could, “Diana, ‘Superhero’ isn’t a real job.”
“I know it isn’t,” Diana huffed at me testily. “She’s just my inspiration. I want to be like her, not actually be her.”
Right. That’s why she’s got the full regalia. What I wanted to know was how she ever found a costume her size.
Although I could relate to her on one level. After all, I consider myself to be a superhero of sorts.
I just know instinctively to nix the green tights and bow and arrow.
“Remember your promise, Jane,” Diana said.
“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say on the subject of Wonder Woman, so I tried another one.
Big mistake.
“So, I didn’t know you and Hannah lived in the same building.”
I thought Diana might use her lasso as a noose on me when I said that. A very long moment passed and then Diana said icily, “You absolutely cannot tell her that I showed you this.”
“I already promised not to tell anyone. But I’ll say it again.” I put my hand up like a good girl scout. “I promise not to mention it to Hannah. What’s up with you two anyway? I thought we buried all those hatchets.”
Diana made some lip motions but nothing audible came out. “Let me change first.” She disappeared back into the closet. I had to work to compose my face, imagining her twirling at top speed and reemerging, clothed in an army green petty officer suit.
Diana was at least predictable as to her non-superhero wear. She had put on a suit, one of the more flattering ones in navy blue. She took her time redoing her hair into the demure knot at the nape of her neck.
She came and sat by me on the bed. “So where were we?”
“We were discussing why you and Hannah aren’t getting along.”
“Ah, yes,” said Diana, crossing her legs in that annoying talk-show host pose she had just picked up out of nowhere. “The lovely but evil Hannah Sachs.” She nodded a few times but didn’t add anything.
“So...”
“Where to begin?” Diana said affectedly. “Our relationship spans years, decades even, well, one decade I suppose...”
“Diana. Cut the crap. What’s going on?”
She shrugged. “Nothing. The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. Now that Hannah’s your friend, she wants me out of the picture. She’s very territorial.” She nodded in a clinical sort of way.
“You’re saying she’s jealous?” I have never had anyone argue over being my friend in all my life.
This was kind of cool.
“Yes.” Diana stood imposingly in front of me. “So, the question is, who’s it going to be? Me or her? Because it can’t be both.”
“What are you talking about? That’s ridiculous. I can too be friends with you both. There is no need to choose.”
“Yes there is. I’m mature enough to handle it, but she isn’t. Trust me. She’ll start telling you all sorts of mean stuff about me, if she hasn’t already.”
I thought about the couple of times Hannah had slipped some snarky comments into our conversations at the library. I hadn’t agreed, but I hadn’t stood up for Diana either. I shifted uncomfortably.
“See?” said Diana. “I can tell by your face. I knew she said something.” She didn’t look overly triumphant at having been right, however.
A few long seconds passed and then she said, “But, ohmygosh! Here I am, babbling on about me and here’s poor you! Tell me what happened.” She put on her best psychologist face by folding her hands in her lap and looking at me with a pitying expression.
It was such a change from two seconds ago, I laughed out loud. “Oh, you know. I’m feeling better.”
A few moments of silence passed with Diana still gazing at me like I was a sad little orphan living in a gutter.
Now that she had brought it up, the expression on Ned’s face and his final words came flooding back to me. The memory hit me so hard, my eyes started to well up.
“No you’re not, just look at you! Come, tell me.” She took my hand, which made me start bawling. My eyes were apparently on automatic refill and I couldn’t stop them. So embarrassing. Between sobs, I told her what Ned had said, but I did not mention Kyle’s role in the matter. It took about a half a box of tissues to pull myself back together.
When I was finally composed enough, I looked at her, waiting for her to start in on a discourse on the millenia-old struggle of men vs. women, but she didn’t. Nodding sympathetically, she said, “I know just how you feel. It was just like that with me and Trey.”
I had to stifle a snort of derision at the comparison. Her and Trey? I think their ‘relationship’ consisted of saying ‘hi’ when they passed in the hall at school and two nature walks. Ned and I had been on several dates. Well, maybe ‘several’ was a little bit of an exaggeration. We had been on two picnics, even though one of those was with his mom. And we had sort of been to a dance together, although we didn’t get to dance.
Of course, Diana did dance with Trey that night, but that was all a set-up. And I exchanged Christmas gifts with my genuine boyfriend, even though he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and I managed to sound rude and obnoxious about the fact.
Diana had given Trey some handmade gingerbread cookies. He hoarded them and refused to share any with me, but I didn’t really care because I don’t like gingerbread that much.
But, whatever. Even if we haven’t been on a ton of dates, Ned and I had done some serious facesucking and that I’m positive Diana never did with Trey.
Well, I’m pretty sure she never did it. Although she did appear somewhat disheveled that time they were hanging out in the basement watching the ball game.
Oh God. Maybe Ned and I never were a real couple in the first place.
Diana began striding about the room. “You know, I swore I wouldn’t be like...” she lowered her voice so much I could barely hear. “her.” She nodded at the door. “My mother isn’t sick today. It’s Jerry, that stupid first-class jerk. They had a fight, and look at her! She can’t even get off the couch.”
Diana clicked her tongue in disgust. “I felt just as crushed as you at first, but then I came home and I took one look at my mom and I told myself that I refuse to be like that.” Diana planted her practical low-heeled pumps firmly on the floor in front of me. “So if you need to look somewhere for strength, look no further than that couch out there.” She pointed for emphasis.
I thought that lookin
g at Diana’s mom would more likely encourage sloth, vice and indulgent self-pity. Her position on the couch was alarmingly similar to my favorite spot, although it didn’t look like she arranged her clothes in a neat contoured pile to best support her neck and lower back. And the clothes I use are always clean.
I did my best to arrange my facial features in a way that showed I appreciated Diana’s efforts.
“Besides,” she continued. “I’ve found someone new.” Upon making that announcement, she smiled like the cat that just ate the canary.
I didn’t think it did much to prove the advice she was touting for me, however. She seemed to be bursting to tell me who it was, but apparently also wanted to be cajoled into the big reveal.
I played along. “So...who’s the lucky guy?”
“Oh,” said Diana coyly, “I don’t want to say anything at the present moment. We’re still in the early stages of our courtship.”
Her maddening alternation between Modern Woman and eighteenth century coquette was getting a little irritating. Suddenly, a terrible thought as to who it might be entered my head. “It wouldn’t by any chance be a certain freckle-faced boy, would it?”
She disclaimed with a tinkly little laugh that told me that was exactly who it was. I couldn’t break her heart and tell her that Kyle was interested in me, not after I was supposedly crying my eyes out over Ned.
“Okay, then. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see,” I said with phony cheerfulness.
That popped her blissful balloon of intrigue. It seemed like a good time to leave. In the normal order of things Diana should have offered to have her mom drive me, but since her mom quite possibly passed out on the couch, I wasn’t even interested in having her mention the idea. I asked if I could call my mom to have her come pick me up.
I said I would wait for my mother outside. We both agreed on that one without having to discuss it. I would have been embarrassed for Diana to have my mom see her apartment too.
Diana got over her unhappiness about not having been able to surprise me with Kyle being her new love interest enough to come with me.
Either that or she wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to stop off at Hannah’s to rat her out about the Wonder Woman getup.
We talked about neutral stuff, school, the weather. It felt strange and superficial after all the soul-bearing we had just done. Diana seemed almost apologetic by the time my mother got there. “See you tomorrow.”
I gave her a half-smirk. “Yeah. See ya.”
Mom had her legal-eagle eyes trained on me from the moment I got in the car. “Have a nice afternoon?”
I shrugged. I really couldn’t think of anything positive to say.
“Did you meet Diana’s mother?”
I turned sharply to look at her. How did she know? “Why do you ask?”
Mom raised her eyebrows with a look of feigned innocence. “I was just wondering if her mother was home or if it was just you two alone.”
“Oh. Well, she was home, her mom. She wasn’t feeling well.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
I studied Mom again to see what her angle was. Maybe she didn’t have an angle. Maybe I was spending too much time around conniving people.
At home, I spent more time thinking about things. I was not pleased with what I came up with. The idea of being thrown over for Diana was unacceptable, even if she was in reality the consolation prize.
If indeed she was his second choice.
I didn’t want Kyle, but I also didn’t want Diana to have him for reasons I could only attribute to mean-spirited competitiveness.
I examined the case for each of us. 1) Kyle had told me flat out that he liked me. But I had told him flat out that I wasn’t interested in dating him. 2) He left those silly Valentine’s gifts in plain sight at school, but I never checked to see if he hadn’t left any on other girls’ desks. For all I knew, he might have sprinkled ‘secret admirer’ gifts around the entire female population of Nottingham. And 3) Kyle had most certainly kissed me.
But how did I know he hadn’t kiss her as well?
Robin Jane’s confidence in her powers of perception were in freefall. I had been so wrapped up in my own drama that I never looked around to see what anyone else was doing.
Everything seemed to point to me and yet...Diana had eaten lunch with him more than once and they were in classes together that I was not, such as English and social studies. He could have been wooing her with Shakespeare and intimate knowledge of the Constitution at the same time he was flirting it up with me over xylem slides and power drills.
I was going to have to talk to Diana again, draw her out on the topic of their “courtship” to see if there was anything to the claim.
Strange but true scientific fact: Female spotted hyenas have a pseudo-penis which they display to show dominance. They must also give birth through it.
I would much rather be an octopus than a hyena.
Monday morning, I made a point of saying hello to Diana before class. Her reply was polite if not quite warm. Inviting her to meet me for lunch, however, thawed her considerably.
Since it was necessary to reopen channels with Kyle as well, I also said hello to him. He was a little surprised after my week-long ice queen act, but by his reply he seemed amenable to being friends again. So far, so good.
I was careful to speak to him before Ned got there, not that it mattered. Ned went on acting as if I didn’t exist, although I could tell he was hurting. At least, I hoped the pained expressions I saw on his face in math were about me and not just from doing trig equations. I felt actual aches, not just because I missed our makeout sessions but also because I liked helping Ned. Seeing that light come on in his eyes when he understood something was worth the sacrifice of a few minutes of kissing.
For the rest of my morning classes that I had with Kyle, I continued to be polite while keeping a certain distance. I had to talk to Diana before moving in for the attack.
Diana met me with genuine smiles in the cafeteria. We chatted about this and that and then I tried my best to be delicate. “So, about this ‘new interest’ of yours. Does he know how you feel?”
She twirled a fry coyly in her ketchup. “I think so. At least, I’m sure my actions show how I feel.”
“Has he given you any...encouragement?”
Diana grinned even wider. “Well, yes, now that you ask. I honestly hadn’t given him much thought at the time because I was still with Trey.”
It took a force of will worthy of a Jedi master to keep my eyes from rolling all the way back in their sockets, but I managed it.
She continued, “He left me a Valentine ‘from a secret admirer’ which I thought was Trey. But when we had that...misunderstanding, I happened to mention it to Kyle. His smile told all.’”
I didn’t need or want to hear any more. But I was the one who had opened this pandora’s box, so I resigned myself to listening to the end.
“Oh!” Her hand flew to her mouth. “Shoot. I hadn’t wanted to reveal his name.”
Another monumental struggle against the eye roll. “It’s okay, Di, I knew it was him already.”
“But how?”
Here I hesitated. Was it fair to burst her bubble?
I told myself I had to do it. Not only had he told me flat out how much he liked me, but he had also put his hand on my thigh and kissed me for heaven’s sake.
I tried to soften the blow by only revealing the minimum.
“I hate to break it to you, but he left stuff ‘from a secret admirer’ to me too.”
I might as well have kicked her in the stomach. Her shock quickly turned to anger.
“You’re just trying to ruin it for me.”
“No...I -”
“Yes, you are.” Diana cut me off. “Just because I’m not interested in your precious brother anymore, you have to mess everything up for me. Well, let me tell you something, Jane Grey, you may be Kyle’s biology lab partner, but you aren’t in our English class, and
he has recited some pretty romantic stuff, making it clear that he is saying it all for me.” Diana crossed her arms and dared me to defy her with her chin.
How’s that for gratitude. Here I am, just trying to give her a head’s up that her lover boy is dipping his poet’s quill pen in more than one pot of ink and this is the thanks I get.
I got a little caught up in the moment.
Plus I was totally PMSing.
“Oh, well, I’m sure that’s very romantic. I guess when he KISSED me at my locker on Valentine’s Day, it meant nothing at all!”
The second I said it, I wished I could take it all back. Diana opened her mouth so wide I could count the fillings in her molars. Another reason she could stand to lay off the sweets.
“What.” She spat the word out.
“Diana, I’m sorry, but it’s true. It’s why Ned won’t speak to me. He saw us, so in case you don’t believe me, he should be a credible enough witness. Although I’d really prefer you don’t because I’m hoping he’ll forget what he saw and come back to me.”
Her eyes turned flinty. If she could have shot arrows out of them, I would be dead now.
“You...” She began. “How dare you!” She paused again, as if waiting for a response.
I didn’t dare.
“You think you can just swoop in here and take all the boys because you’re new and interesting and...exotic!”
Oh God. Kyle had obviously lain the ‘exotic island’ line on her too. She was practically screaming. It was awful. I had to get out of there before the scene turned into a full three-act drama.
I started gathering up my trash, but before I could make my escape from scene 2, Diana slammed her hand down on my brown bag and continued her rant.
“I can’t believe you would do this to me Jane...” Then her eyes went wide. “Remember your promise.” Her voice quivered with worry.
I really had wanted to stay friends with her, but after what just happened, I didn’t know anymore. She had really pissed me off by screaming at me when I was just trying to warn her that Kyle might not be her ‘ideal suitor’ or whatever.
