On his pillow was a picture of Krista. I’d hung the picture for him when he came to stay with us, but after a few years, we redecorated his room and he stuck it in his closet. I didn’t even know he remembered where it was.
I sat down on the bed and held the picture in my hands, just tracing the photograph. It was hard to imagine what Noah was going through. I was raised by my parents who were still living. Who knew how much of his mother Noah could remember, but it was obviously bothering him.
I hated that I was the cause. More than anything in the world, I wanted to be able to solve any problem for my children. This wasn’t just about his uncle visiting. No, he’d stirred something up in Noah’s mind and now the child was all broken up over it.
No matter how much I wanted to fix things for Noah, I knew that I was the last person to be able to do it. It made me feel left out, among other things. When it was all said and done, as much as I wanted to be Noah’s mother, I would never be able to fill those shoes completely.
Once I was home, and had all of my morning duties completed, I filled up the large soaking tub with hot water and bubbles and sank down in it. I didn’t want anyone thinking that I wanted their sympathy. One could only hope that this was just a reaction that Noah was having after overhearing his father’s words. I had every inclination that it was all just going to blow over.
Colt didn’t come in until after one in the afternoon, which was late for him. I could tell from the way he was slamming cabinets that his day wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. I avoided approaching him as I headed in to grab an apple.
He sat down and started eating a sandwich, looking at me, but saying nothing.
I sat across from him and took a bite of my apple. We’d played this silent game before. When he was ready, he would spill and I would be there to listen.
I’d almost finished eating the piece of fruit when he sighed and took his last bite. “The damn main motor went up in the east side chicken house overnight. I had to call in the fuckin’ neighbors to help clean the mess. This is the second time that the alarm didn’t sound when this happened. You need to get on the phone with that damn manufacturer and raise hell. They need to come out and give me a new one. I can’t have losses like this. Are they goin’ to pay for me to replace the dead chickens that I’m goin’ to have?”
Colt had paid an arm and a leg for the top of the line alarm system to be installed in all of the chicken houses. If there was anything that went wrong, he would get a text message or even a call. For this to have happened and him not know that it had, wasn’t a good thing. The fact that I had to make the call, wasn’t a good thing either.
It was just one of those days where you wake up and know it’s going to be a bad day. “I’ll take care of it.”
He stood up and stuck his plate in the sink. “Get that frown off your face, Savanna. I can’t deal with that shit right now.”
I got up and walked out of the kitchen before I could say something to start a huge fight. Colt was a good man, a great father and usually a perfect husband. Unfortunately, he’d always been one to hold in his anger until he’d finally explode. The exploding almost always happened when he was around me.
I used to take it so personal, thinking it was my fault, but through the years, I’d learned to just ignore him, no matter how much it bothered me.
I went ahead and called the company, like Colt requested. Then I headed up to Noah’s room again. As soon as I walked in, I could just feel the tension between us again. I started putting away his clothes, hoping to get done and get out before I started to cry again. I got that everyone thought this was just something Noah was going through, but it didn’t make it any less hurtful.
When I opened his sock drawer and saw the marble notebook, I thought about leaving it be. I shouldn’t have been so nosey, considering I was trying to be a great parent. It could have been filled with pictures, or school work. I wished that was all it was, as I opened it up and saw what it said. The first pages had all been ripped out, probably because it was a notebook from a previous year. In black magic marker, written in big block letters, it read: I HATE THEM! I WISH THEY WOULD JUST DIE LIKE MY REAL MOM.
I closed the book, unable to look at his handwritten words any longer. If Colt saw what he’d wrote, he would have busted his little ass, so I put the notebook back in his drawer and just stuck his clothes back on top of it.
With Colt downstairs watching television, I retreated to my room, where I started crying again. I was going to need wine to get through the evening. Hell, I was going to need wine to get through the next week.
Chapter 8
Colt
I was worried about a lot of things and problems on the ranch didn’t make my day any better. I knew I’d pissed Savanna off, but I thought if I gave her a task it would take her mind off of Noah. He was just being a stubborn kid, like I was at his age. Within a couple days he would forget he even said such terrible things about her.
Aside from Savanna being all upset, I had bigger problems involving my son. It had only been one night since Zeke visited, but as soon as I left to do my daily run of the ranch, I got a call from someone claiming to be his attorney. I was so pissed that he’d gone and called the man that fast, that I told him my lawyers number and then hung up before he could get a word in edgewise.
About an hour after that my lawyer called and he didn’t have good news for me.
Colt, it’s Mike Trimmel. Look, I just got a call from some lawyer claiming that he tried to contact you about visitation for your son. He said you gave him my number and refused to talk to him. Tell me you know something about it.
Yeah. He called earlier.
Can you give me an idea of what’s going on? He claims that you are refusing his blood uncle visitation.
That’s right. Are you aware of who his uncle is?
I had to look it up, but yeah, I know who he is now.
Then you can imagine my feelin’s about him takin’ my son.
Colt, I realize that you are the boy’s father and legal guardian, and if this was just some random citizen I would say that they wouldn’t stand a chance in Hell at winning in court. The problem is, this guy has money. He has a lot of money. We both know what that means.
You can’t mean what I think you do. Have you seen the type of lifestyle this guy lives? He doesn’t even know my son. He hasn’t been a part of his life since he was born.
Colt, I know what you’re saying. I do. I’m just trying to be honest. Unless you are willing to get involved with a very costly trial, I would suggest you work something out with this uncle before he proceeds with legal papers.
So you’re sayin’ I should just hand over my kid whenever he wants to see him?
I’m saying that maybe you two could come up with a compromise. Perhaps it would work out if you offered to go with him when he visited.
I run a ranch. I can’t just up and travel all over God’s creation to hang out with someone that I don’t even care for.
Take some time and think about what I said, Colt. I would hate for you to be involved in something that could become a media spectacle. We can’t always agree with our family, but at the end of the day, that’s exactly what they are. I know what you went through when Noah came into your life. Try to put yourself in his shoes. He has an uncle that he didn’t know about. Maybe letting them get to know each other won’t be such a bad thing. Maybe he will figure out that his uncle isn’t someone he likes to be around.
Or maybe he will want to be a rockstar too.
All children have aspirations. That doesn’t mean they follow through with them.
Thanks for the advice, Mike. I get what you’re sayin’. If you really think it’s a good idea, I will try to contact Zeke and see if we can work something out. I don’t want to do it, but I also don’t want my son resenting me or his mother.
Let me know how it goes and you know I am up for it if you do need me to represent you.
After we hung up I felt angry. I thought my l
awyer would tell me something completely different. Instead, he told me to allow Zeke to get to know my son. The way he explained things made it seem like I didn’t have a chance in Hell at keeping Noah away from his uncle. Could money really buy verdicts like that? Were judges that careless to allow children to be around irresponsible people? It made me even more mad.
So, by the time I came in for the day, I would say that I was not a guy that Savanna wanted to be around. I knew I was being rude to her. I felt bad, but I just wanted to be alone. I had decisions to make and she wasn’t going to even want to hear what I was considering.
When she finally retreated to our bedroom and had fallen asleep, I did go upstairs to check on her. She was still so beautiful and I appreciated her more than she could know. I got that I had a horrible way of showing it. Sometimes, I just needed to deal with things in my own way, even if it meant shutting her out for a short period.
I picked the kids up from the bus stop and watched my son walk right upstairs to his room, without saying a single word. I wondered how long the silent treatment was going to last.
The girls were telling me all about their day and as much as I loved hearing about it, my mind was in other places. Since their mother was still asleep, I got a movie on for them and headed up to check on her. When I knew she was still out like a light, I pulled out my phone and called Zeke.
Hello?
Zeke, it’s Colt. We need to talk.
Now you want to talk?
You’re damn right I do.
I assume you heard from my lawyer?
And mine.
Colt, I really don’t want this to get ugly. If we could just…
We need to work somethin’ out, Zeke. I realize you have a right to know your blood nephew. You need to understand the predicament it puts me in knowin’ that he’s never been around your kind of lifestyle. I don’t approve of him being a part of it either. That is no place for a child.
I can assure you that what you think goes on, doesn’t. Piper and I live a very normal life when I’m not on tour. We have a big house with a nice size pool and rarely even entertain people. Noah would be our guest at our home, not out on the road like you’re thinking.
It still doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t know you. I don’t know you anymore, Zeke. What kind of parent would I be if I just let him hop on a plane and go see you?
I understand your concern. What do you have in mind for a compromise?
I want to come with him to visit you. I need to see where you live and how you live, before I can let my son be involved in your life. I don’t mean to offend you, but I am looking out for his best interest.
I think that would be a great start. I don’t have hard feelings against you Colt. You’ve always been a stand up guy.
We can’t come until school is out. Will that be a problem?
Not at all. My tour is wrapping up and when it does, I will get in touch with you and schedule something.
So, you’re callin’ off the lawyers?
Of course. Look, I just wanted to get to know the kid. I didn’t want to cause drama. You know how close I was to my sister, Colt. I know it’s taken me a long time, but I’m trying to change my life around. Getting to know my nephew is one of those steps in making things right. I’m not trying to take him away from you. I just want the opportunity to spend time with the only family I have left.
I get it. I don’t like how you went about it. Did you have to call your lawyer the second you left out of my house?
I guess I jumped the gun and for that I’m sorry. I’m used to having to cross my t’s and dot my i’s. It’s just habit, man.
Just get in touch with me when your home. I will make sure I can take some time off.
Thanks, Colt. This means a lot. I know I’m around people everyday, but it gets so lonely. I don’t have kids, or anyone that I can call family, except for Noah. I just want the chance.
I’ll talk to you in a month or so, Zeke.
I didn’t wait for him to reply before I hung up.
I covered my face in my hands and thought about my wife. She wasn’t going to like this one bit.
Later that night, after Savanna had made dinner and we’d gotten the kids to bed, I climbed into bed next to her. She was reading, like she did every night. I kissed her on the shoulder and laid my head against her smooth skin. “I’m sorry for bein’ a jerk.”
She never looked away from her book. “You should be.”
I smiled, knowing she was literally giving me the cold shoulder. “I need to talk to you about somethin’.” I grabbed the Kindle out of her hand and finally got her attention. “It’s important, darlin’.”
She folded her hands and cocked her eyebrow. “Did you buy something?”
We had an agreement about buying major things without telling each other first. “No!”
“Is it good or bad, because I don’t feel like having anymore bad news today, Colt. I know you think this is some phase, but it doesn’t hurt me any less.”
I put my hand over hers. “I need you to hear me out, Savanna.”
She shook her head. “Oh God! It’s bad!”
“Would you just calm down and let me talk?”
She threw her hands up. “Fine! Just tell me.”
“You already know that I had a piss poor day, but you only know half of why that was.” I got her attention. She turned and looked right into my eyes. “It seems that our visitors last night weren’t happy with how things went. Zeke took it upon himself to contact his lawyer about having visitation rights.”
Savanna jumped off the bed like it was on fire. “Are you shitting me?”
“I’m not!” I laughed at her using that word. She rarely cursed. “Keep your voice down so we don’t wake up the kids.”
She got back in bed and got close enough so we didn’t have to talk loud. “How do you know he called his lawyer. Did he call and threaten you about it?”
“No. His lawyer called me, when I was dealing with the bullshit in the chicken houses.”
Her eyes were huge and I could tell that she was scared. “What happened?”
“He was goin’ on and on about Zeke bein’ legally entitled to get to know Noah. I wasn’t listenin’ that well, on account of bein’ so damn mad about it. I gave him Mike’s number and hung up.”
She readjusted herself. “So, that’s it? Did you call Mike and ask him if he heard anything? Is Zeke going to try to take Noah away from us? Colt, I can’t lose him.”
I grabbed at her hands again, squeezing them inside of mine. “Mike called me.” I hesitated telling her what Mike gave as advice. She wasn’t going to be happy. In fact, I saw her firing my family’s long term attorney over it. “Before you freak out, just listen to what I have to say.”
“You’re scaring me, Colt.”
“We’re goin’ to have to let Zeke get to know Noah. There’s no way around it, without things gettin’ real ugly.” I hated saying it out loud. Her face went from concerned to stunned in a matter of seconds.
“No judge will let that happen.”
“Mike said that with Zeke’s money and who he knows, there’s a chance things would get ugly and we would lose. I don’t want Noah dragged through magazines. I don’t want him bein’ some paparazzi’s story.”
“What are you saying?”
“I talked to Zeke tonight on the phone. He’s agreed to drop everything if I allow Noah to come see him at his house, once his tour is over.”
“That is not happening, Colt! Over my dead body am I going to put our son on a plane and just let him go.”
I appreciated how devoted she was. “He ain’t goin’ alone. I’m goin’ with him.”
“You have to run the ranch. You can’t just leave. If it has to be done, I will go.”
“Savanna, I love you and you are the best mother to all three of our children, but you aren’t Krista. I think it’s best if I take Noah. Zeke is goin’ to want to talk about her and since she and I shared a past, i
t’s better that Noah knows that I did care about her. Right now he thinks I wished her dead. I need to fix that.”
I knew it hurt Savanna. She got quiet and refused to reply. She shook her head and got up out of bed. I even tried to reach for her, but she walked out of the room with tears in her eyes.
Ever since the day that Noah came into our lives, she’d been his everything. I knew her heart was broken. How was I supposed to choose my wife’s happiness over my son’s safety? What kind of father would I be if I just didn’t care about Noah or where he went. She had to know that I was trying to do the right thing for our family. My job was to protect them and that was all I was trying to do.
It was obvious that my wife didn’t want to be near me. Maybe I should have went and looked for her. I honestly didn’t know if she just wanted to be alone, or she was expecting me to run after her. Women were complicated and they played too many head games. Sometimes, I just wished she would have spelled things out for me.
I expected her to come back to bed at some point during the night, but she never did.
Chapter 9
Savanna
I was more than hurt.
I was angry.
I felt betrayed and like I was losing my hold on my own family. It felt like I was being pushed to the side, after devoting my whole life to being Noah’s mother. The pain ripped through my heart, leaving me feeling so alone inside.
I sat out on the porch, in the dark, for the longest time. Colt wasn’t too keen on me getting overemotional. He said that I needed to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and grow a backbone. I couldn’t help that I was a sensitive kind of person.
After all that I’d been through, I just couldn’t find an easy way to change. Sure, I was better than before, but when it came to one of my children, it was a different story.
I slept on the couch, trying to avoid looking at my husband, after he’d made a major decision without including me in it. It was true, I didn’t have custody or adoption papers for Noah. I should have gotten them a long time ago, but we never thought anyone would ever bother us about it. We shared the same last name and had been so open to Noah about Krista.
Blinding Trust Page 6
