by Holly Hood
1
I stand at the end of the table holding my drink in my hand and sigh. I don’t know if I can do this, if I can say what I am thinking or if I might explode from all the tensions buzzing around the room.
They all think I’m trashed and coming unglued.
“To friends, the ones who fuck you over time and time again!” I ignore Karsen’s glare as I swallow down the bitter taste of defeat and agony.
I need another, because this place pains me. The whole god damn place reminds me I am destroying myself little by little, that things are horrible and real and I can’t run away from them now.
This is Georgia.
I can’t believe I ever loved this place because as I look around at the trees and the familiar faces I don’t know what I hate more.
Or maybe I am drunk and being way too over dramatic.
Slade keeps me from tripping over my own feet as I attempt to climb up on the bar. I want to thrash. I want to shake all the stress and disappointment out of me or so help me I might do god knows what.
I shake his hand free from my arm and make it halfway before knocking over a bunch of drinks and a bowl of peanuts.
Everyone is telling me to get down because I am making a scene. But whipping my hair back and forth feels so much better than acting like some civilized human being.
“Hope!” Karsen yells at me. She’s an overbearing mother when she wants to be. I never said anything about her flashing her boobs all over Cherry. I let her nipples enjoy the wind and sucked it up for her sake.
“I am going to kick your ass if you don’t get down right now.” Slade tells me, steadying himself on one of the many barstools. He tries to grab me but I make a mad dash for the other end of the bar.
I giggle and rejoice, for once I am the winner of our power struggle and fall face first onto the bar floor. I don’t like their eyes on me. And I think I might have broken something on the way down.
Like I said, this is Georgia.
***
I’m not sure if they know I can hear them talking about me as they carry me out to the car but I can. And I know Karsen is worried about me and I know Slade is bordering on annoyed. But I don’t care and I keep telling myself when I wake up I won’t care either.
Slade sets me into the backseat of Karsen’s car and explains to everyone this is a temporary thing, that I am not losing it. If I could open my eyes and speak I would tell them all to fuck off because they don’t get it.
I roll over curling into a ball on the back seat. I can smell Karsen’s perfume. I am pretty sure my face is smashed against her thigh. Every bump her car rolls over makes me sicker and sicker. I am so close to puking and I don’t have the energy to get up and do anything about it.
Karsen screams. “She’s throwing up!”
The car brakes and I slip from my resting spot on the back seat onto the floor on top of a pile of laundry and old pop cans she is too lazy to throw away.
I can feel the cool air on my legs and I might have lost a shoe on the way out of the bar. I open my eyes when they pull me out of the car again and drop to my knees.
Kidd rubs my back while I throw up everything in my stomach. His homecoming was perfect, he put Karsen back together again.
Now I am crying.
“What’s wrong?” Slade asks.
“Why can’t anybody put me back together?” I sob pushing a hand through my hair and then I fall over, sprawling out right there on the stones and dirt.
“If you let me get you home I promise I will try my best,” he says.
I keep right on crying, and let him lift me up, carrying me in his arms like some savior. If only he could save me.
I’m afraid I am falling apart. “You promise you will fix me?” I press my face against his shoulder and wipe the snot from my nose.
“You’re not broken,” Slade informs me. “You’re drunk.”
He hushes me when I try to object to such a statement.
The car starts moving again and everyone is quiet. I press my face against the window and watch the cars passing by. I don’t have anything else to say, I just want to go home and crawl into my bed and sleep.
A bed I haven’t slept in for a long time now.
Karsen touches my head, rubbing circles into my forehead to calm me down. “You can stay at my house again. My parents don’t mind at all.”
“I can’t avoid her for the rest of my life,” I admit to them all. “Sooner or later we have to talk.”
“Maybe not when you’re drunk,” Kidd suggests.
“I think you should go back to Karsen’s or the hotel for the night,” Slade says throwing his advice in.
I rub my eyes and focus on the cars some more. They all think they have the answer.
2
“It’s the big blue house on the corner, right across the street from Karsen,” I tell Slade for the third time. He knows and he grits his teeth to keep from biting my head off I’m sure.
And he does this because that’s just how great of a boyfriend he is. I realize it more and more every day.
“Are you sure she’s home?” Karsen whispers. She acts like we broke in. It’s my house I have every right to come back to it. Not to mention my father let me know as soon as I stepped foot in Georgia my mother was welcoming me with open arms if I would let her.
Slade opens my door and offers up his hand. I take it and fall into him holding on for dear life. My legs won’t work the way I want them to.
“For the last time are you sure you don’t want to wait until tomorrow to come here?” He scratches his head staring up at my old fashioned porch with the porch swing.
“We could have sex on the porch swing,” I inform him climbing the stairs. I fall back into Slade’s arm and grab hold of the railing trying my hardest to get up the steps again.
“That’s not the kind of impression I am looking to set when I meet your mother for the first time.”
I look around ignoring him, much of everything is the same as I remember. I drop to my knees and lift the tiny ceramic squirrel. The one I bought for my mother when I was young and stupid. It was still sitting on our porch in the same spot.
I let it go shattering it at my feet and go for the porch swing. “Come sit with me.”
Slade drops down and starts to pick up my mess. “Why did you do that?”
I shrug and push my feet against the railing to get the swing moving. “Maybe I wanted it to break.” I didn’t it fell out of my hands.
“Didn’t you say your mom was dating the karate instructor?”
“Yes.”
“Well, what if he hears you down here and I have to kill him for attacking us?” Slade grins when I do and settles in beside me. “This would be a great place to have sex.”
I nod. “So what are we waiting for?”
“I’m not having sex with you right now.” He playfully shoves me and stares off into the night. “I’ve never seen you so wasted before.”
“Are you mad at me?” I cross my arms waiting to hear the worst.
“No, but I am worried about you,” he says, he puts his arm around me and pulls me close.
I bite down on my lip thinking about what to say next. I am tired of reassuring everyone around me I am alright. I don’t know if I am or if I will be ever again. So much has changed it’s hard to swallow anymore.
“I don’t know if I want to go in,” I admit. “Maybe we should just go over to Karsen’s house. I’m sure she’s up raiding the refrigerator.”
“Whatever you want to do,” Slade tells me.
I close my eyes and get more comfortable under his arm. He’s all the warmth and safety I need. And before I know it I fall asleep.
3
My head is pounding when I wake up in the morning and I don’t know where I am for the first few minutes. All I hear is the ticking of a clock and an occasional rumbling engine speeding by.
I groan and sit up adjusting to the light coming through the windows of Karsen’s bedroom.
How in the hell did I end up here?
I kick the blanket off of me and walk to the bathroom to freshen up before I think about going downstairs. I still am wearing the dress from the bar and I smell vomit, which is never a good sign.
I tap on the door before barging in and start the shower. I know Karsen has something I can wear so I shower before someone gets a whiff of the alcohol and puke infused perfume I am wearing.
The water is freaking amazing it soothes my headache and relaxes my anxiety riddled mind. To think I am so close to my mom and little brother it kills me. I never thought I would come back home. It wasn’t my idea to be here in the first place. I came because I wanted to be there for Karsen and because of the giant mess we left behind in Cherry. It was Georgia or being accused of murder. Cherry would love to have a reason to put us behind bars. And killing their pastor was a good way to put us there.
I grab a towel from the closet and wrap it around me and head back down the hall for Karsen’s room. I need to figure out what I want to do, if going home is the right move or if I should forget that idea all together and accept that I can’t deal with seeing my mother ever again.
***
It’s weird seeing Karsen and Kidd sitting at her childhood dining room table eating breakfast with her parents. It’s weird seeing her parents. Everything is weird.
“Hope,” Karsen’s mom says when I round the corner. “Breakfast is ready, sit down and eat with us.”
I sit and pour myself a huge glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. “Thank you.”
She smiles and loads my plate with pancakes and several strips of turkey bacon. “I heard last night was rough.”
I raise an eyebrow at Karsen. I can’t believe she told her mother I was such a mess. But that’s how her family is, they share. They share way too much sometimes.
Her father shakes his newspaper and gives me a look. “She was up all night puking in the hallway.”
I cover my face with a napkin I could curl up in a ball and never look at him again. “Sorry about that, Mr. Kelly.”
“We all have our moments.” He disappears behind his newspaper and leaves me alone.
“So, Hope. How was California?” Karsen’s mom asks. “Did you enjoy yourself?”
Her mother knows nothing about what went down while we were away. And I don’t think any of us want to change that. The less she knows the better.
“It was fine. It was just time to come home,” I insist and take a bite of my bacon.
“I saw your mother at the bank the other day. She’s looking wonderful,” she says. “I’d never guess she was a day over thirty.”
Karsen rolls her eyes. “So Mom, Kidd and Slade need a place to rent, any suggestions?”
“Well there are apartments all over this town. I’m sure they can go to any of them and get right in.” She stares at Kidd’s tattoos.
“But you’re in real estate, don’t you have some connections to get them in somewhere good?” Karsen smirks. “Pretty please momma.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” her mom tells her getting up to clear the dishes.
Her dad lowers the paper and looks at me again. “Hope. I hear you and this Slade are pretty serious. I remember before you left you were crushing on Charlie Knight.”
I swallow down some juice and sigh. “I was fourteen. That was a long time before I left.”
“Yeah and Charlie is gay I think,” Karsen points out. “Well back then I thought so.”
“Charlie is not gay, he’s doing very well for himself,” Karsen’s mom chimes in. “He coaches little league and works for his parents.”
I stop myself from rolling my eyes. “That’s great. I’m happy for him.”
Kidd drops his elbows on the table and looks at me. “You’ve never brought up any Charlie. Does Slade know about Charlie?”
I could punch him. He smirks at me waiting for my answer. “Slade wouldn’t care about some stupid boy from high school.”
“He’s doing well for himself,” he points out, throwing a tattooed arm around Karsen.
Karsen’s dad clears his throat. “So tell me about those tattoos, Kidd.”
I smirk, glad to be off the chopping block. I collect my plate and glass and put it in the sink grabbing a sponge.
“That’s okay. I can do it,” Karsen’s mom says taking the sponge before I can assure her I do dishes all the time.
“How’s your father?” she asks before I can make an escape.
“He’s alright I guess,” I say taking a seat at the counter. I play with the fake fruit.
“Good. I was worried about all of you for a while, until Karsen told me everything was fine.” She sits my plate in the drying rack and turns around.
“If ever you need anything you know I am always here.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. She still smells like honeysuckle and I love it. For once I don’t feel so bad about being back in Georgia.
“Thanks, Mrs. K.” I smile pulling away.
“Ever since I can remember you and Karsen have been connected at the hip.” She smiles looking into the dining room at Karsen. And then she looks at me again. “He’s a good guy right?”
I shake my head. “The best. He treats her like a princess.”
“Oh boy, like that’s what she needs.” She laughs. “She already thinks she is the golden child.”
I laugh.
“Well I’m glad she found a good guy. And I am glad you are home,” she squeezes my arm and wanders off, probably to fold laundry or dust something.
4
I drop my fork and groan. “I am so full I think I might puke.” It has been a long time since I ate at my favorite place.
“Fried pickles,” Slade says lifting one from my plate, he studies it and then puts it back down.
“Try it,” I tell him. “I promise you it’s amazing.”
He shakes his head, lifting his sandwich. “I eat normal food. Like this, not that shit.”
I roll my eyes and slip out of the booth with my plate. I make it to the waste basket get rid of my trash leaving my tray on the top.
“So after this we head back to your house right?” Slade asks me. He knows how hard I am trying to avoid the inevitable. I need to see my mom. If I keep avoiding her I know I will stay miserable and I can’t do that.
I nod looking around the diner. “Yes. And I think that is another reason why I don’t feel so good.”
He takes my hand, his fingers skim the outline of my tattoo. “You’ll be fine. She is going to be happy to see you.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I know you, it’s that simple,” he says. He looks past me. “Do you know those two guys?”
I twist around in my seat to see what he is talking about. It’s not what I want to see at all, a glaring reminder of my horrible attempt at love before Slade.
There in the diner is the boy I gave my first kiss to. The guy I dropped the marshmallow on, the one I doodled in my journal over before I knew what true love was.
“That’s Charlie,” I explain. I pray he stays right where he is but he’s headed this way.
“Hope Zigler, holy shit I can’t believe it’s you. Long time no see,” Charlie says yanking me out of my seat.
Charlie still has the dull blue eyes I lusted over every night and the dirty blonde hair that used to hang in his eyes is now cut into a better maintained hairstyle. He’s a man, not the boy I remember from when we were kids.
“Charlie,” I say not adding anything else to the end of it. I don’t want him thinking I am happy to see him because I’m not. No reason in particular, besides the obvious one which is I don’t care to run into old love interest in front of my new love interest.
“When did you get back?” He looks at Slade and extends a hand taking all of him in. “I’m Charlie, an old…friend of Hope’s.
Slade nods not shaking his hand. “Slade, a new boyfriend.”
Charlie smirks looking back at me now that he knows m
y boyfriend wants to smash his face in.
“I hear you were living in California. How was it?”
“It was nice, a little different but it’s worth getting used to.” There I made small talk without making it awkward. “I have to get going. I still have to see my mom.”
Charlie’s eyes soften. “Good luck with that. I know how that goes.”
I’m not sure what he means but I force a smile and turn back to Slade. “You get the check and we can head out.”
Slade watches him climb into his blue pickup. “I don’t like that guy.”
I sigh, I don’t want to deal with this right now. “Neither do I because I like you. And since when are you the jealous type?”
Slade’s jaw flexes. “I know when a guy wants to fuck a girl. And he wants to fuck you.”
How embarrassing. “Well, there are hundreds…maybe thousands of girls who want to jump in your bed and you don’t see me throwing a fit about it.”
“If you did that would be hot,” he says taking the check to the counter.
I lust for him longingly from my spot in the booth while he pays. It’s cute when he shows how much he cares.
He turns back around and looks at me, like I am the only girl in the entire diner.
“Ready to go?” he ask offering me his hand. I take it and let him tug me out of the booth. He kisses me on the neck and I melt into him right there in front of the entire diner.
“Yes, let’s get out of here.”
***
I don’t want to be here but here I am standing on the porch of my home. The only place I ever knew before our move to Cherry.
I swallow and take a deep breath before I knock. And it feels really messed up I have to knock at all. But I do because today I see Gary’s old jeep sitting in the driveway.
I look at Slade. “I’ve never been in the same room with him before.”
“I think it will be fine,” he tells me. “I think I hear footsteps.”
