by A. B. Keuser
“Tell me, what’s it like to die and be reborn?”
“I was frozen and thawed out… if you want to know how a turkey feels before the Autumn Festival, I can tell you that… as for death, I’ve come close but never truly met her.”
“No, but you’ve sent others her way often enough, haven’t you?” She cast a wary look to Lyz as she ducked into the conduits behind the cryo units.
He climbed the scaffolding stairs and moved to look at his crew.
“How are you holding up?” Lyz asked, her tattooed fingers fell on his arm and she squeezed gently.
“My best friend just died and I’m pretty sure Yella hates me for it. The galaxy survived without me for fifteen years. I pop out of this thing and mere hours later it….” He slammed his fist into the empty cryotube’s housing and stared at the splintered plazglass. “Why’d you let her take you, Obie?”
“The alternative, Captain Bowlin, was to leave you in stasis and let the junkers come retrieve me again. This alternative would not have spared your friend’s life. It would have only resulted in the death of the rest of the crew, along with José Cholla.”
Without looking up to the sound of Obie’s speakers, he clenched his jaw. She was right.
He turned back to Lyz, she’d stepped back, the slightest hint of fear in her eyes. “Sorry.” Pressing his fingers against his cheekbone under his eye socket, he rubbed away the sting that threatened to spike through his brain.
“Don’t be. José was the closest thing to a father Dani or I’ve had since we got away from the Pääom. If I didn’t think it was going to break my hand, I might have lashed out at the tubes as well.” She paused, angling away from Quince and speaking quietly, “Si, what happened out there?”
“I don’t know. He cut a claw and it was detached… and then it just…”
“It’s a wonder Oath Breaker didn’t see some damage. It did detonate inside her shields didn’t it?” Quince asked the question from the other side of the tubes. She had very good hearing.
The scene replayed itself in his mind.
“Shit.” He should have known. “I need a drink.”
There was no way he’d let Obie convince him the detonation had been an accident.
“We’re pretty stable, you think you can deal with babysitting duty for a while, Quince?”
“Sure thing. Mari put your cooling unit in the mess, you might need it.”
As Lyz lead the way to the lift, Si’s eyes fell across her back. Two intertwined trees depicting spring and autumn. The tattoo that spread from her fingertips, up her arms, across her shoulder blades and back down was quality work, especially in the level of detail on the branches and blossoms. They were cartoonish, but quality.
“I didn’t want to ask with Quince around, she’s not one of the regular crew, but how’s Dani holding up?”
“She took off.”
Lyz shook her head, red locks fluttering around her face. “When we need her, she comes through.”
“That’s good to know,” he said, trying not to think about just how much he was going to need her. “But bottling it up like that isn’t going to do her any favors.”
Lyz grimaced and glanced away. “The Pääom taught us both the importance of saving grief for a time when you don’t need to be productive. Dani’s good at self-care, she takes alone time when she needs it.”
The doors slid open and Si walked into the empty mess hall. He couldn’t help thinking of a time when two thousand soldiers made their way through this room each shift change. All the men and women he’d failed to protect. Now there were a handful of people on board, and he was just as helpless to save them if Obie snapped again. He didn’t want to think of those who’d tried to take Obie before, and been killed by the junkers….
Lyz walked through the swinging doors into the kitchen and returned with a cooling unit slung over her shoulder and two frosty beers, their caps already popped.
She nodded to a table and sat, sliding a bottle across to him. “You know, two thoughts ran through my head when I saw you….” She held up a tattooed finger, “This is going to be trouble.” She raised a second. “Dani’s going to be so happy.”
He ignored the buoyant feeling in his chest when she said her second thought. There wasn’t time for that. “She seemed grumpier than anything else… might have to declare that happiness killed by a cryo-haze-induced kiss.”
“That is the last thing on a long list that I would guess made her act that way. She’s tired, she’s stressed, add on top of that what just happened with José… I have a feeling my girl is about ready to tear apart at the seams. The good thing about her time in the sanitarium though—” Lyz stopped, her eyes wide as she met his. “Shit.”
“Don’t worry, I already know.” He reassured her.
She chewed her lip nervously and glanced toward the door. “Her time inside made her conscious of her snapping point. If she feels it coming on, she’ll find her way back to her bunk before she hurts herself or anyone else. She’s not stupid enough to pull a Paddock in front of someone who’s not tried and tested loyal.”
“She seemed pretty cozy with the Mandall she had on the line.” He grimaced after he said it. It wasn’t his business, and she’d made it clear she wasn’t.
The smile that pulled at the corners of Lyz’s lips was not what he’d expected. “Don’t get jealous. Theodor Mandall’s kid has put his hat in a few times, he wants her something fierce. She keeps stringing him along because the second the Mandalls cut ties…. her life is going to get a lot harder and ours with it.”
“With all the Pääom has done to her, you’d think they’d finally leave her alone.”
“It’s only half about what they did to her—I gather she let you read the file. What she can do to them is the real reason they’re want her so bad. Did you see the tablet in her bag? She swiped her files and cleared out her entire family’s record. Tried to make like none of them ever existed. They were too close to you, though. They may not have the files, but they remembered her.
“At that point, she was the only one left to remember. Back when she was pretending to be a good little Pääom-abiding citizen, before they locked her away, Dani found something they desperately don’t want her to have. They’ve been trying to infiltrate her crew for a long time, heaven knows Vôner has gone above and beyond to get her back… he’s the most sadistic official I’ve ever dealt with.”
She winced as though she’d let something slip. “It’s made her pretty good at killing their agents. Doesn’t mean they’ve stopped trying. She knew where the Breaker was for a week before we came and got her… didn’t trust the three new ones. Barely trusts Stugg and he’s been with us a while now. Point is, she never touches that tablet. Any guesses why?”
Si shrugged. “I thought it was something she used off ship, so you’ll have to tell me.”
“I don’t know. That bag holds everything she cares about in this galaxy. Her past, mostly, in that photo album, and a strange little box she only opens when she’s alone.” Lyz tipped back her beer, draining it before she continued. “It also holds a future. She’s got something on that tablet … she won’t tell us what it is, but I know Dani. She can talk all day long about revenge being a bitter taste, but that tablet is her vengeance, she’s just got to find the right time to strike.”
Si followed Lyz eyes as she looked down the long table to where Yella stood in the hatch. He spoke the old saying out of habit. “Revenge is a bitter taste in my mouth, but I would rather dine on vengeance than starve in submission.”
“Hers is different,” Lyz said.
Si smiled as a thought occurred to him. “I’d gather it was, elsewise she’d be out there making them wish they had a classification more severe than SOS.”
Lyz studied his face and asked, “Where’s the original version from?”
“A discussion I had with her father and José… a long time ago.”
“She’s been through hell since the war. You’re the
last person alive from a time she can remember as ‘happy.’ Go make sure she’s okay. And take these.” She kicked the cooling unit toward him. “We were supposed to celebrate taking the Breaker. Right now I think they’re required medicinally.”
Nodding, he picked up the cooling unit and found his way through the silent mess.
“We need to talk.” Yella said the words as her eyes fell on the cooler before passing over his shoulder.
“I think that’s more accurate than you know.” He took her hand and tugged her toward the lift.
She didn’t pull away from his grasp as they rode up one deck, instead she let him lead her, either too tired or too heartbroken to protest.
The door to his quarters opened as he neared them, the old sensors still triggered to his biometrics.
She slumped at the table at the front of the room and tugged at her necklace. “This whole job is going to shit.”
She looked up at him, searching for something. He said the one thing that had been running through his head since the squeaker exploded. “Nine thousand, four hundred and fifty-seven.” He placed an open bottle of beer in front of her.
“What?” She glanced at him, one eye narrowed, as though he’d just spoken an alien language.
“That is the number of men and women I lost in the year before I was shoved in that cryo tube. Nine thousand, four hundred and fifty-seven. All but thirteen of them went at the same time. Obie gathered them in the hold under some pretext and….” he stopped, shivering at the memory and swallowed to reign himself back in. “The point is, I’ve learned to mourn them quietly, on my own. I think you’ve learned something similar. With the exception of José and you, the only people I know are alive and don’t hate me are on deck ten. Strike that, Richter doesn’t hate me, Adi is a hit or miss. Now that José’s gone…
“I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you, to live through everything I left behind, for so long?” He shook his head, pressing the cold heel of his palm into his forehead. “I’ve never been good with consoling others. I have a crew counselor for that. Had.”
She stared at him for a long moment, her eyes searching his. When she looked away, her hand wrapped around the bottle. Bringing it to her lips, she drained half of the ale inside in one long draught.
“José never wanted a part of this life. Mom and dad’s involvement with….” She looked at him apologetically. “He tried to go it alone, but the Pääom wouldn’t sign off on his licenses any more. He did odd jobs here and there, working wherever he could, doing whatever he could… but the Pääom started cracking down on unauthorized medical practitioners.”
“And he couldn’t hack it on his own?” Si turned the bottle on the table. “I remember, he always stuck with someone who could take control… while he stayed in the background. He liked following someone else’s lead.”
“He did decent for a while, but he trusted the wrong people and he wound up in a Kasvi jail, waiting for a Pääom-sanctioned trial.”
Si looked at the floor and grimaced. “I’m going to guess those haven’t gotten any better since I’ve been an ice cube.”
“More often than not, they’re worse.” She set the bottle on the table in front of her, “I had a friend keeping tabs on him. Quince was born and raised on Kasvi. We worked out a deal. She helped me get José out of his cell, I got them both off that damned planet.
“I think he wanted me to believe he was grateful for what I did. I may have saved his life, but I also made it infinitely more difficult. I’m still not sure if it he felt he owed me, or if his fugitive status—thanks to me—is what kept him on board.”
“Yella, I knew José for a long time. He loved you, deeply… the new, strange inclination to shove you off on me aside. I can’t count the number of times we were out without your dad, that he talked to people about you as proudly as if he was your father. He may not have wanted this life. But I saw the way he stood behind you, the way he took note of everything he said around you when he knew something was up in the medbay. José Cholla was a good man, whose death had nothing to do with you saving his life.”
She made a choking noise and looked away. “He was all I had left.”
“No he wasn’t. You have Lyz/. You’ve got the rest of your crew… you have me.”
“You don’t get it. My family is gone.” She blew out a heavy breath. “They’re gone. It’s over. Dead end. Full stop. There’s nothing left.”
A tear pooled in the corner of her eye and when it tumbled down her cheek, a deluge followed. Osiris caught her under her arms and pulled her into him.
The way her voice broke split his heart in two and he bundled her closer.
Carrying her to the bedroom, set her down and kissed the top of her head, not wanting to let go. With one hand, he pulled off her boots and coat. He let go long enough to peel back the covers, and help her slide between the sheets.
“Let it all go,” he said stroking her hair.
She heaved with sobs, her whole body shaking as he bent down to kiss her forehead.
“Don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone. I’m always so freaking alone.” Clutching his arm, she buried his face against his shoulder.
If he hadn’t been as close as he was, he wouldn’t have heard a final whispered plea through the tears.
She pulled him onto the bed, moving to give him room and as he placed a pillow behind his head, she buried her face in his chest. He sat back against the bulkhead and let her sobs wash over him, echoing the hollow feeling running through his veins.
Yella cried for a full half hour before exhaustion took her and she collapsed against him. Rolling her gently to the pillow, he moved to the dresser and changed his tearstained shirt.
Her photo album stuck out of her bag and after a moment’s vacillation, he pulled it out, sitting on the couch.
Flipping to the first page, his heart clenched as his eyes traced over a memory. A much younger Danielle stood on his left, leaning over, her lips pressed firmly to his cheek.
He stared at it. The picture was from the last time he’d seen her.
There were other pictures of them throughout the book, he knew, but it was the only one with just the two of them. He flipped through to a picture of José, Dan and him. He always forgot—or maybe ignored—how much older Dan had been.
He was a few months from shipping out to take over Obie, the likelihood of him dying before the others had been so high. And yet here he was.
He looked to where she lay in his bed. Dan would have been proud of her.
She’d survived hell. And she hadn’t needed his protection or anyone else’s to do it.
He closed the book. Memories would do him no good tonight. Setting it on the low table in front of him, Si watched her. Breathing slowly, her eyes and lips swollen from the tears, she slept soundly. Pressing his lips together, he managed to keep from laughing as he realized this was one of the only times he could remember from the past few hours that she wasn’t scowling at him.
The galaxy had kept on turning without him. Yella moved on. And he stayed exactly as he was. He was still a stubborn soldier. He was still determined to use what limited power he had to break the Pääom’s stranglehold. And he was still in love with her.
Yella let out a groggy sigh. “This may technically be your room, but things in that bag should be left alone unless you want me to get ancient on your ass and cut off your hand as punishment for your thievery.”
“I just wanted to remember. I’ve only got one picture on this whole ship, and I haven’t had a chance to see if it’s still in my office drawer or if it was looted by the junkyard owners,” Si said. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“No, it’s fine. You were gone so long, I have a hard time connecting ‘Osiris the Oath Breaker’ and ‘Osiris my… friend.’” She looked away, jaw twitching.
“I get that.” He sat next to her on the bed. “I have a feeling ‘Osiris the cryogenically frozen’ was not the one who garnered the place of honor in th
e front.”
She looked at him, a strange expression crossing her face. For a moment, he wondered if it wasn’t shame. He could understand that.
“I’m ten years older than you now,” she said with a single pained laugh. “How weird is that?”
“You haven’t changed much.”
Her hand rose to his face, and she ran her finger along his scar. “Time changes everyone. Even if you’ve only had a year and a half, and I’ve had over fifteen.” Dropping her hand to her side, she moved on to her knees and leaned forward. “I don’t know who you are anymore Si, but that doesn’t mean I don’t intend to find out.”
He wasn’t sure if it was hope or a threat he heard in her voice.
She leaned back and pulled her feet from the sheets, sliding them back into her boots and pulling up the zippers. “I need to go out and deal with the others.”
Standing, she shook out her hair and tugged at her rumpled clothes.
“You might want to take a trip into the bathroom… to get rid of the bed head if nothing else.”
She smiled half-heartedly, rolling her eyes at him. “Don’t worry; I know what I look like after a good crying jag.” She stooped down to her bag and pulled out an inoculation pen. “It’s why I keep one of these handy.”
Osiris watched her disappear into the bathroom and then turned to make the bed, shaking out her jacket as he did. Something hard in her pocket hit him in the knee and reached for it before snatching his hand away. He didn’t want her to come back and take one of his hands off.
She stepped back into the main room, her hair pulled up in a long tail. She glanced back to the bed.
Si could see the exhaustion trying to take her. “I think you need to get back in bed and work on another six hours at least. You’re not going to do your crew any favors by running around halfcocked.”
She scrunched up her nose, sending another shard of light reflecting from her nose ring and nodded, “Fine, I don’t have to be anywhere until my crew briefing.”
Pulling a small bag from the largest of the three set against the wall, she went back to the washroom and set about ignoring him.
