She hoped.
“Well unless he’s helping you find a freaking sat-phone, I don’t see how anything that primate does is going to save our asses.”
“Do you really think there are satellites around here? Really?”
“Well, there’s gotta be something!”
“Warren,” Lucy broke it down as simply as she could, “there are only two possible explanations for where we are, right now. Either we’re not on Earth or we’re not in the present.” She’d spent all last night working it out and, as crazy as it was, it was the only thing that made sense. “Personally, I think we’re in another whole world. This place has a lot of the same characteristics of our Ice Age, but it’s not exactly the…”
“You’re fucking crazy!” Warren had always been a belligerent drunk, as many a high school party host found out when he trashed their parents’ house. “It’s all crazy!” He staggered to his feet, dislodging a half-naked worshiper with blonde braids.
The girl was clearly crushed by his desertion. She looked like one of the waif-y creatures who frolicked through makeup commercials; all long limbs and unattainable skin. Like most of the women here, she wasn’t wearing a top. Several stands of shiny stones were draped around her neck, serving as her only chest covering. Rather than being sexual though, it just made her seem like some kind of uninhibited wood nymph. It was annoying as hell to be around someone so fucking adorable when Lucy hadn’t even brushed her hair in twenty-four hours.
America’s Sweetheart turned to Rhawn with weepy blue eyes, saying something sad.
He sighed and responded in the Clan’s language.
Lucy looked between them with a frown, not liking their familiarity. “Who’s that?” She demanded. Damn it, that girl was way too thin and pretty to be near Rhawn.
“Anniah, our Clan’s healer. She is Notan’s daughter. She worries that she’s done something to displease the Savior. I’ve told her no. He’s just an ass.”
Lucy didn’t really care if Warren hurt Sheena’s feelings, although you’d think a kinda-doctor would have better taste in men. Anniah seemed inexplicably smitten with Warren. Jesus, that was a prehistoric talk show waiting to happen. Just so she stayed away from Rhawn, Lucy didn’t much care, though.
“You never dreamed about her, did you?” Lucy demanded, worried that this girl might be more Rhawn’s type. Hell, she was a shirtless blonde. She was every man’s type.
Rhawn met Lucy’s eyes and she saw something tender spark in his gaze. “No, goddess.” He whispered. “You are the only woman in my head.”
“Good.” She muttered and relaxed a bit. Lucy wasn’t sure about a lot right now, but she was fucking positive she didn’t want Rhawn fantasizing about another girl. Just the idea had her temper redlining.
Warren barely noticed the byplay or the mascara model blinking up at him like he was Zeus. “We’re not on some other planet!” He insisted. “We’re not.”
Lucy didn’t have time for this crap. “Where are we, then?” She challenged.
He made an annoyed sound, as if she was the one being unreasonable. “I told you, --like-- maybe Aruba.”
“You still think we’re on Aruba?!” She swept a hand around the terrified cave people. “Does this look like Aruba, you oblivious dickhead!”
“Fine! Then, it’s just some flyspeck island that gets left off the maps, ya know? We’ll walk around the beach until we find a dock.”
“Did you ever see Game of Thrones, Warren?”
He blinked at the non sequitur “Yeah. Why? Do they get cable here?”
She ignored that. “You know the big-ass dire wolves that sometimes eat people? The ones that are literally the biggest wolves ever born? Well, they’re real. That type of wolf actually lived during the Ice Age and I’m pretty sure they’re still alive on this island.” Rhawn said there were wolves here and Lucy believed him. She was taking an educated guess on the species, given the other Ice Age animals surrounding them. “Now do you really want to go walking around, with one hundred and seventy pound wolves out there? After what happened with the sabretooth almost eating you?”
“That wasn’t a sabretooth!” Warren sounded like he really wanted to believe that. “Sabretooths are all dead. I saw it on TV.”
“Except we almost got eaten by one yesterday.” Lucy shot back. “Do you understand what kind of creatures lived during the Ice Age? Wooly rhinoceros covered Europe. Armadillos the size of VW bugs were in South America. There was a fucking American camel roaming around Arizona. The biggest, weirdest stuff you can image actually existed back then and some of it’s here on this island.”
“I do not know of an insect called a ‘vee-double-u” or what a ‘rhi-noss-er-us’ might be,” Rhawn interjected quietly, “but the camels are no longer here. We hunted the last of them several winters ago.”
Warren shook his head, refusing to believe the truth. “Bullshit.”
“No, it’s true. Their meat was quite a delicacy, so…”
Warren ignored him. “Bullshit, Lucy! There aren’t any extinct creatures on this island. It’s impossible.”
“What animal does that come from, then?” She pointed to his dino-sized chicken leg. “Name one possibility.”
“I don’t fucking know, alright?” He threw it aside. “But, any minute, rescue teams will be coming for us and…”
“No one is coming for us.” She interrupted. “We have to get out of here ourselves.”
“You’re the one who said we couldn’t leave this island, because it’s surrounded by goddamn Jaws, remember?”
“I said we couldn’t swim for it, because of the sharks. I didn’t say we should start making houses out of coconut shells or something. We can’t just sit here, Warren.”
“You do what you want. I’m not going anywhere.”
It was hard to say if he was refusing to leave just because she’d suggested it or if he’d actually convinced himself staying put was the best plan. Seeing as how the Clan of the Cave Bear thought he was some kind of Savior, though, she needed to get him on board with reality.
“Warren, there’s a volcano out there. We. Have. To. Go.” She carefully spaced each word.
Notan said something to Rhawn, apparently demanding a translation of the bickering.
Rhawn’s gaze flicked over to Lucy again and then quickly away. Whatever he told Notan in the Clan’s language seemed to agitate the guy even more. The chieftain gestured towards Lucy and proclaimed something with righteous fury.
She flicked him off, just because she could. The guy bugged her.
Rhawn’s eyebrows soared, apparently recognizing the gesture and boggling over the fact she’d use it on the chieftain.
“You’re having some kind of PMS freak out.” Warren told Lucy with his typical level of tact. “Just let me handle this, okay? It seems pretty clear they like me way more than you. I’ll talk to these hillbillies and they’ll get us to some kind of radio and we’ll go home.”
“Warren…”
“You won’t change my mind, so shut up.” He interrupted. “I’m staying right here until helps comes, where it’s safe and warm and chicks with big knockers feed me fruit.”
“Good plan. And you’ll be a hell of a lot warmer under six feet of molten lava.”
“The rescue team will be here before that happens!”
All around them the Clan grew quiet, watching them shout at each other. Dozens of identical sets of blue eyes switched back and forth between them, growing more and more wary.
Notan snapped another translation order at Rhawn.
This time, Rhawn ignored him. He straightened away from the wall, his gaze fixed on Warren, as the “god” loomed over Lucy. Brown eyes were cataloging every move he made, waiting for Warren to take another step forward. “The Savior has been drinking, Lucy.” At least, Rhawn had figured out how to pronounce her name. “Do not get too close to him.”
“You shut up the hell up, too!” Warren jabbed a finger at him and almost overbalanced. “N
o one asked for your opinion, Krull.”
“The woman is not a threat to you.” Rhawn told him quietly. “Not at the moment. There is no need to try and intimidate her.”
“That bitch wouldn’t be intimidated by a cannon.” Warren retorted. “What? You think she’s going to fuck you if you act like some hero? Is that it?”
Rhawn’s jaw tightened ever so slightly.
Lucy rolled her eyes. “Good thinking, Warren. Piss off the only guy here who knows our language.”
“You seriously trust Encino Man here to know anything?”
“Over someone too stupid to realize that Caribbean islands don’t have sabretooth cats on them? You bet I will. At least, he’s not an idiot.”
Rhawn glanced at her, looking surprised.
Several clan members shrank into the corners of the cave, watching her like she was a demon. Notan said something else, sounding more agitated than before. Rhawn spared him a frustrated look and snapped something back.
“What’s he saying?” Lucy demanded.
“He wishes to know if the Ardin is beginning. I have told him no.” Rhawn headed closer to her. “You should come back to my cave with me, Lucy.” He nodded towards Warren. “He is not thinking clearly. You will be hurt.”
Lucy’s eyes narrowed in sudden thought. “The Ardin is the fight thing, right?”
“Yes.” Rhawn seemed to make up his mind about something. He took a deep breath and moved so he was slightly in front of her, shielding her from Warren. “Come with me, now. I will protect you from him, no matter the consequences.”
“She’s not going anywhere with you.” Warren declared with drunken propriety. “I see the way you look at her. I know what you’re thinking. But, --newsflash!-- I’m Savior of Atlantis. I get the chicks.”
Rhawn stared at him for a beat, like he was trying not to say something snarky. Trying really, really hard. …Then he said it anyway. “And yet she spent the night in my bed, rather than here at your side.”
Lucy shot him a glare. “Really?” She challenged in exasperation. The guy might be some kind of scientific genius of the Paleolithic, but he wasn’t great with the whole “people skills” thing. “You’re really going to start with that macho shit, Rhawn?”
He glowered at her, irritated that she was irritated. “Do I not get points for telling the truth? You would prefer that I lie?”
“Points?” She echoed blankly. “What are you talking about?” Then she remembered telling him he’d earned “major points” back in the cave. He must have taken her literally. Was he serious? “Wait, you think there’s actually a point system and you’re going to win some…?”
Warren cut her off. “Lucy didn’t sleep with you, dude. You know how many guys she balled in high school? None.” He made a circle with his thumb and forefinger and held it up as a zero. “You really believe she’d turn me down a thousand times and let you touch her? I was quarterback of the team! Anyone else would’ve been happy to give me a blowjob.” He nodded wisely. “I think she’s frigid or something, ya know?”
Rhawn’s eyebrows arched in something like amusement at that idea. “I think she’s not.” He said with the utter confidence of a guy who’d been making her body do hot, wet things since she was eighteen.
Lucy flashed him a glower. “Nothing that happens in a dream even counts.” She snapped, annoyed by the world at large.
“I disagree.”
Lucy’s eyes narrowed at his smug tone. “Just zip it, Rhawn. And Warren, stop embarrassing yourself. I turned you down because you’re a repellant little toad and you know it.”
“Yeah, but that was before I became a god. Now you have to do what I say and I say you should stay away from him.” He pointed at Rhawn.
Rhawn didn’t agree with that, either. In fact, he was looking more determined now. “You cannot keep her from me.” There was an underlying note of steel to his voice that had Lucy glancing at him in surprise. “And there is no power in this world that can keep me from her.”
“I can do whatever I want!” Warren waved a hand around the cave, reveling in his Flintstone-ian empire. “Look at all the people who love me! I’m like the biggest guy on campus, a-hole.”
Anniah the wood nymph didn’t understand a word they were saying, but she still looked like she agreed with everything Warren said. She frowned at Lucy, clearly annoyed that her precious Savior was so upset.
Lucy rolled her eyes. “You stay out of it, Pebbles.”
Rhawn still wasn’t backing down from his stupid argument with Warren. “Lucy is unclaimed.” He bit off. “I have the right to approach her and not even you can change that.”
“Well, I’m fucking claiming her, then!”
“You’re not claiming her.” Rhawn snarled, stabbing a finger at Warren. “No one will Choose this woman but me. Not while I’m still alive to fight for her.”
Lucy glanced at him in confusion. “What are you doing?”
He sent her a quick glance, brown eyes glowing hot. “I’m about to challenge a god for you.”
Her eyebrows climbed up her forehead at that bewildering news. “What? Why?”
Rhawn shot her a frown, as if that question was the weirdest thing he’d heard all day. “Because you are mine.” He said simply and refocused on his pissing-match. “I have waited for Lucy and I will not give her up.” He took a step forward and Warren took a step back. “In the Clan, you must challenge if a woman is contested.” And it sure sounded like he was contesting, even believing that Warren was a supreme being. “Do you wish to challenge me for her?”
Lucy looked between them, amazed that this was happening. “Are you two out of your minds?” She pointed at her own chest. “I’m a fucking person, here. Neither one of you can just throw a few punches and declare me the prize. I’m not going to…”
Warren cut her off, again. “Yeah, I’ll fight ya!” He gave a woozy “bring it on” gesture. “I’ll whomp your pretty boy face. Once she knows what she’s missing, she’ll be the Brooke Shields to my blond guy for as long as we’re stuck here in Blue Lagoon. I mean, she’s not as hot as Brooke, but…”
That did it.
Lucy looked over at Rhawn, sick of the chauvinist posturing. She’d deal with this crap herself. “Tell your Clan that the Ardin has arrived.”
“What?” He spared her a concerned frown. “No. That is a very bad idea.”
“Tell them!” Lucy bent down to scoop up a stray rock.
Rhawn didn’t need to translate her words to Notan. The old man and half the Clan had already fallen to their knees, praying.
Rhawn barely glanced their way, all his attention on Warren. “Lucy, the Savior and I will…”
Warren frowned in confusion, talking right over Rhawn. The guy’s constant interruptions were typical and annoying. “What the hell is the Ardin…?” He didn’t get a chance to finish the question.
Lucy pegged the stone at his greasy head.
Junior year, the school counselor had convinced her to join the softball team in order to pad her college applications. Lucy had been the pitcher. The rock slammed into Warren’s skull with a precision that would’ve made old Coach Leaky proud. The “god” toppled backwards like a cow someone had tipped over in a field and laid there unconscious. Lucy wasn’t worried about the long term effects. He was too sloshed and useless to die.
The Clan screamed in panic as he fell.
Anniah scampered over to kneel beside him, checking his wounds.
“Varsity team, baby.” Lucy raised a hand over her head and looked at Rhawn who was gaping down at Warren’s splayed form. “Uh-ho, guess who just won the Ardin?”
His gaze slowly traveled to hers.
Lucy smirked at him. “Too bad, so sad. Looks like your Savior isn’t going to be saving anybody, caveman.”
“You hit him with a rock.” Rhawn sounded stunned.
She made a face at his tone. “So? You slammed that big guy with the dreadlocks into a stone wall, back in that bamboo cage. Compared
to that, I’m almost a pacifist.”
“But you hit the Savior with a rock. That is not how the Ardin is supposed to go.”
“Well, I’m the evil god, remember? Cheating’s in the job description. Now unless somebody wants to try and steal my new throne, I’m in charge.” She arched a brow. “Are any of them going to stand against me?” She gestured towards the stunned and whimpering Clan.
“No.”
“Are you going to stand against me, Rhawn?”
Please say no. Please say no.
Lucy would lose if he chose the other side. She knew it. Rhawn was the only one here with the brains to see through her little “god” trip. For so many years, she’d dreamed of this guy. Her instincts and body all told her he was special. That he was here with her for a reason. That she could depend on him. Her mind had a real hard time accepting those ideas, though.
Lucy never had been one to just take things on faith.
Rhawn studied her for a beat. “No.” He finally whispered. “I will still try to stop your evil plans, but I am pleased the Savior lost this battle.” His gaze flicked to Warren. “The challenge ended when he fell.”
Lucy blew out a relieved breath. “Sure did. And I’m the champion.”
Those beautiful brown eyes met hers. “I mean his challenge to me.”
“Yeah, well, you were doing plenty of ‘challenging’ yourself.” Warren had deserved someone getting in his face, but Rhawn had escalated things pretty fast. “What the hell were you thinking trying to “claim” me or whatever?”
“I was thinking that I’ve claimed you.”
“Well, I’m thinking you’re wrong.” She snapped. “And believe me, we’re going to talk about that sexist display, just as soon as I’m done conquering the world.”
“There is nothing to talk about. The challenge is decided.”
“Just shut up and let me rule my doomed kingdom, okay?” Lucy clapped her hands together in satisfaction. Finally something was going right. “So, just to be clear, who’s Queen of Isle of Misfit Toys?” She asked her new followers.
“You are?” Rhawn guessed.
“I am.” She agreed. “Tell the others the good news.”
Once Upon a Caveman Page 9
