“I must go before the servants stir,” he said, his voice a little hoarse. “Can you make your way upstairs again? I lit a new candle.”
“Yes, I can.”
“I’ll return later this afternoon,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry.”
“Julie? Thank you.”
She stood and took the candle. “Wait. Look out the window and see if your driver is still there.”
He did and cursed under his breath. “He’s gone, of course. Poor man probably froze out there for hours.”
“He knew you were drunk and probably left shortly after you arrived.”
Hawk scrubbed his hand down his face. “I was roaring drunk.”
“You don’t make a habit of it.”
“I said things.”
“You needn’t worry. I know you were soused.” She provided him with the excuse so that he could save face.
“I touched you.”
“You were a gentleman and agreed it wasn’t a good idea.”
“I’ve kept you from your bed. Go upstairs. I’ll get the servants to find me a hackney when they’re up and about.”
She wanted to hug him but knew he would realize she’d heard too much last night. “I’ll see you later, then,” she said.
She trudged up the stairs. Despite her exhaustion, she found it difficult to fall asleep. He needed her, but she didn’t know how to reach out to him.
Chapter Eighteen
A Scoundrel’s Confession: The path to reform is fraught with temptation.
He’d slept until noon. When he’d awakened, he’d bathed and drunk a dozen cups of tea dosed with willow bark. Last night, he’d reached a proverbial crossroad. He’d envisioned two paths. One involved going on as he had been, living day to day, refusing to look at the bleak future in which he remained the family scapegrace. The other involved letting go of the past and forgiving himself, as Julianne had said. It wouldn’t be easy, but he’d ceded defeat a dozen years ago. Ever since then, he’d worn an invisible hair shirt and covered up the melancholy by acting the clown.
He’d made his choice, one that would free him from the past and open up a real future. One that would allow him to fully embrace his family and the incredible inheritance his father had left him.
His father had said a cruel thing to him that day so long ago. In hindsight and through the eyes of an adult, he knew his father had spoken out of anger and fear. Recalling his own fears that night Julianne had gotten foxed, he could imagine all too well how his father must have felt—only magnified a hundred times.
No father should ever have to face the possibility of his son dying in a duel.
He remembered how he’d felt. Scorned and scared. And full of bitterness. Tristan had said his father had been a good man. His father had been a hard man in many ways, because he’d felt Hawk didn’t take his future responsibilities seriously enough. After Westcott had agreed to a payment in lieu of a duel, his father had been tough on him. He’d not given him any quarter nor had he sympathized.
Hawk suspected his father had wanted him to prove himself, but after hearing his father’s denouncement, he’d felt he could never please his sire. So he’d set out to become the scoundrel his father had labeled him.
He couldn’t turn back the clock and change his past. And he couldn’t make contact. To do so would be a supreme act of selfishness, one that would condemn an innocent to scorn forevermore. His punishment would be to never know. And to always have an empty place inside his chest.
Today, he’d made his decision. He had chosen the right path, the one that meant doing his duty. No, it was more than duty and responsibility. He’d seen a glimpse of joy that day in the park with Julianne. That night at the ball, she’d shown him the way. She’d told him that his past did not define who he was to her, and she had said she would not pressure him to divulge his secrets. She had accepted him unconditionally. He’d not trusted that unconditional acceptance at first. He’d returned to old patterns, looking for a courtesan and drowning his sorrows.
Last night, she’d stayed with him. Any other woman would have turned away in disgust. But Julianne had stayed and told him not to worry about anything he’d said.
He’d always adored her, but never more than last night. He knew what she’d suffered as the unwanted child. Years ago, her vulnerability had touched him deep inside.
She was, and always would be, his Julie-girl.
He looked at the clock. It was time to go. He would not rush her. She deserved to be properly courted.
He looked in the mirror and laughed at himself for thinking he’d look different. His aunt would put a flea in his ear for choosing her sofa as a bed. She’d never let him live that down.
With a deep breath and one last tug on his cravat, he strode out to his new life.
Julianne sat in the drawing room, looking at the clock a little too often. She had some idea what to expect of him. He probably would make a great jest of it all. She would not let on how much his drunken confessions had disturbed her. He’d been worried last night about what he’d said, though she wasn’t sure how much he would remember. She’d done her best to reassure him, but she felt at sea with him.
All these years, she’d thought she knew him. She’d learned that something bad had transpired involving Ramsey, but she’d never guessed that Hawk’s father had condemned him in such a cruel way.
She’d only been thirteen when the late earl had died. All she remembered of Hawk’s father was that he’d been a serious man, so unlike his son. She did know that Tristan had respected Hawk’s father and had relied on his advice.
“Did he talk last night?” Hester asked.
Her voice startled Julianne. “A bit. He didn’t make a great deal of sense.” She didn’t tell Hester that he’d revealed some disturbing facts about his father’s treatment of him.
Hester set her novel aside. “How much do you know, dear?”
Julianne met her gaze. “Enough.”
“I knew his father had covered up something. Marc was wild-eyed and tormented. His father said nothing to his mother, of course. But she knew and pretended not to notice. Louisa has a good heart, but she has always been one of those childish women who need others to take care of her.”
Footsteps sounded on the landing. Hawk walked inside. “I told the butler I could see myself up.”
Julianne rose. “I’ll pour you a cup of tea.”
“Thank you, but I’ve drunk enough to fill a bath.” He looked at his aunt. “I don’t know why I told the driver to bring me here last night. I suppose I’ve spent so much time here I’ve begun to feel at home.”
“You are always welcome,” Hester said. “Drunk or sober.”
“Aunt, will you allow me to speak privately to Julianne?”
“Of course.”
He helped her rise, and then he kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”
After Hester left, he sat beside Julianne. Her stomach fluttered nervously.
“The things I said last night—”
“Don’t worry. The spirits loosened your tongue,” she said.
“It’s true,” he said. “I’ve thought a great deal about what my father said. He reacted out of fear for me.”
Julianne swallowed. “You were in danger?”
“He paid a fortune to keep me from facing pistols at dawn.”
She clasped her shaking hands hard. What had he done?
“When you told me I needed to forgive myself, I didn’t think it possible at first. But you said something that helped me.”
Her heart beat faster.
“You said no matter what transpired, it does not change who I am to you.”
“Never,” she said.
“You believe in me unconditionally?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I’ve chosen to bury the past,” he said. “I’ve chosen the future instead.”
She blinked back the threatening tears. “I’m glad,” she whispered.
/> “I have to make amends with my family,” he said. “While I haven’t completely ignored them, I haven’t fully lived up to my responsibilities. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t look closely enough into Montague’s character before giving my blessing to Patience’s marriage. She has suffered for it.”
Julianne reached over and clasped his hand. “I know you feel responsible, but Patience chose to marry him. And she is stronger than you think. She doesn’t let him run roughshod over her.”
“When she returns, I will speak to her privately and ensure she knows I will help her and the children if the need ever arises.
“Ironically, Montague was right about me. I have broken my mother’s heart by refusing to live at Ashdown House. And I did thumb my indiscretions in my father’s face. I should have tried to make amends, but I let pride hold me back.”
“But your father was equally guilty, if not more so,” she said. “He should have begged your forgiveness for what he said to you. Words used as weapons have the capacity to wound.”
“It cannot be changed now,” he said, “but I am the head of my family. And I have shirked my responsibilities to my brother. William probably thinks I don’t care about him.”
Julianne squeezed his hand. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I let him run amok and put no restraints on him whatsoever. I didn’t want him to suffer from an overbearing brother, because that was what I’d endured with my father. So I went in the extreme opposite direction and gave him too much freedom. It’s time I called him home and spoke to him about choosing a profession.”
She smiled at him. “You’ve made so many decisions in such a short period of time. Good decisions.”
His eyes traveled over her face. “I have you to thank for it.”
She had never loved him more than at this moment. “I’m proud of you.”
He smiled and pulled her curl. “Will you allow me to escort you tonight?”
“Yes,” she said breathlessly. Could it be possible? Did she dare hope that he loved her?
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“The theater.” She laughed a bit nervously. “I don’t even recall the play.”
“Let my aunt know I’ll call for both of you.”
She rose with him. He kissed her hand. “Tonight,” he said.
Her eyes welled with happy tears as he strode out of the drawing room. After he’d disappeared from her sight, she ran to the window for one last glimpse of him through the wavy glass. When he emerged from the house, she whispered, “I love you.”
At the theater, Julianne felt as if she were living the dream she’d kept alive for four long years. Hawk sat beside her, and when the stage curtains opened, he reached over and held her hand on the seat beside her, where no one could see.
Hester and Mr. Peckham were engaged in a lively conversation. Julianne pretended to watch the play, but she could not concentrate. Excitement raced through her veins. She allowed herself to imagine returning home and announcing her engagement to Hawk. His family would arrive and exclaim over the happy news. Perhaps everyone would stay for an extra month while the banns were called. And then at long last, she would be Hawk’s wife.
At intermission, Hawk released her hand. She felt unaccountably shy with him. It was silly, for she’d known him so long, but everything had changed.
When Hester suggested a round of champagne, Hawk begged off. “No, I think I’ll avoid all spirits for a while.”
“I don’t care for any, either, Hester,” Julianne said.
Amy, Georgette, and Sally entered the box. “Are we interrupting?” Georgette asked.
“No, of course not,” Hester said.
Hawk helped Julianne rise and escorted her to her friends.
“We saw you from my parents’ box,” Georgette said.
Hawk bent his head. “Julianne, I saw a friend of mine on the other side of the theater. Will you mind if I call on him while you speak to your friends?”
She met his gaze, feeling as if she were dreaming. “Of course I do not mind.”
“Ladies.” He bowed and left the box.
Her friends drew her aside. “Oh my goodness,” Georgette said. “The way he looked at you. I cannot believe you didn’t melt into a puddle on the floor.”
Her face grew warm as she lowered her lashes.
“You are shy tonight,” Amy said.
“I don’t know what has come over me.” But of course she did. She was in love.
“Do you have an understanding?” Sally asked.
Julianne looked up and shook her head quickly. He’d made no promises, but he’d held her hand.
“Something has happened,” Georgette said. “He looked very much like a man in love.”
“We should not press her,” Amy said. “I fear we have done so before.”
Julianne regarded her gratefully. “Do you know what it is like to think a dream is about to come true, but you’re afraid of hoping too much?”
“If he does not propose to you by the end of the season, I will be very surprised,” Georgette said.
She bit her lip. “Please, I beg you say nothing to anyone else. I don’t want rumors spreading before anything is decided.”
“We will button our lips,” Amy said. “But, Julianne, you deserve this happiness more than anyone I know.”
A few minutes later, the five cubs called. They all exchanged greetings, and then Beaufort winked at her. “Have you heard the news?”
For a moment, Julianne thought he meant news about her and Hawk, but her common sense prevailed. No one could know. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Do you recall that pamphlet?” Beaufort asked. “The newspapers are calling for a ban.”
“Oh, this is delicious,” Sally said, bouncing on her toes.
Julianne schooled her expression as she glanced at Amy and Georgette.
“I heard every copy sold,” Caruthers said. “A fifth printing is said to be under way.”
Julianne bit back a smile. Everyone was reading her pamphlet. She found it a bit difficult to keep her excitement a secret. But no one would ever guess she’d authored it. Part of her wished she could take credit for The Secrets of Seduction, but she’d known all along the necessity of hiding her identity. Still, she had so much to be pleased about tonight. All of the bad times made her appreciate her happiness all the more.
Caruthers grinned at Julianne. “Has Hawk read the pamphlet yet?”
She froze in place, recalling Hawk’s disapproval. “I rather doubt it.”
As the other gentlemen continued to speculate about the author, anxiety climbed in Julianne’s chest. Had she written anything in the pamphlet that would tip off Hawk? She bit her lip. He’d asked for honesty. She couldn’t lie to him, especially now that everything between them was perfect.
Maybe she would just forget to mention she’d authored The Secrets of Seduction. Drat it, she couldn’t deceive him. She needed a better plan. He disapproved of the pamphlet, but he’d not read it yet. She would wait until after he read every word. Once he saw the merits of her work, he would not mind so very much that she’d masqueraded as the anonymous lady. Then again, perhaps she ought to wait until after the wedding. She would distract him with kisses and then admit what a naughty girl she’d been.
Delaying wasn’t the same as lying. Was it?
Caruthers smiled at Julianne. “My parents wish to meet all of you. Will you come to their box?”
“Oh, what a lovely suggestion,” Julianne said. “But perhaps I shouldn’t leave. I’m sure the other girls would be delighted to accompany you.” She wanted to wait for Hawk and speak to him about all his plans.
“They’re especially keen on meeting you, Julianne,” Caruthers said. “I’ll not keep you too long.”
How could she refuse without seeming churlish? “Let me speak to Hester.”
When she reached Hester, she asked to speak to her privately. Mr. Peckham excused himself and said he would retur
n shortly.
After he left, Julianne sat next to Hester and told her about Caruthers’s request. “I would prefer to stay. Hawk will return soon.”
Hester smiled slyly. “Gel, you don’t want to appear too anxious. Go on with your friends. My nephew will appreciate you all the more if you make him wait a bit.”
When Julianne hesitated, Hester tapped her with her fan. “Remember The Secrets of Seduction.”
“Will you tell him where I’ve gone?” she asked.
“Yes, now go on. He’ll be glad to see you when you return.”
Julianne fidgeted during the long walk with her friends. While everyone else chatted, she kept silent. She hoped the visit would not last too long. Of course, Hester was right that she shouldn’t appear too anxious. But after all the trials and heartache, she wanted to be near him as much as possible, especially tonight. Because today counted as the first day of their blossoming romance.
Caruthers led the way to his parents’ box. Lord and Lady Frammingham welcomed the group enthusiastically. Julianne had to keep reminding herself to listen. She liked his parents very much. They thought it wonderful that the group of friends was sharing the season’s festivities together. When his mother asked her about her brother and Tessa, Julianne told her about the babe and the impending house party.
The curtains opened for the next act. Her friends decided to stay a while longer. Julianne bit her lip. She didn’t want to linger. “I had better go,” she said. “I had a lovely time, but I promised Lady Rutledge I would return promptly.”
Osgood rose. “Allow me to escort you, Lady Julianne.”
“Oh, I do not wish to impose. Please stay. I can find my way back.”
“I insist,” Osgood said. “Hawk wouldn’t like it if we let you go alone.”
She knew it would be rude to continue to refuse. “Thank you, Mr. Osgood,” she said.
As he led her out, she hoped he would not linger in the box. Then she felt awful for even thinking such a thing. Osgood was a nice young man, if a trifle thickheaded at times. She smiled, remembering how he’d traipsed inside Hester’s drawing room, stinking of smoke.
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