Jaena!
Madi cried. She tried to recreate the feeling of holding her little girl in her arms – tried to hear her voice speaking to her – but to no avail. It was as if Jaena was gone for good.
Her mother had rung the doctor and he had given her something to sleep. She hadn’t wanted to take it, but they’d insisted. Told her she would sleep and not dream. But she wanted to dream. To dream about her little girl. She wanted to remember everything that she could about her darling little girl and to hold her – if only in a dream.
But she’d taken the medication and she’d slept and woken to the same nightmare.
When would it end?
*********
When the call came Madi didn’t cry or scream, but just said, “Thank you very much”, and then hung up. Her mother had stopped where she was at the kitchen sink washing the dishes and her father had obviously rushed to the kitchen when he heard the phone ring for he still held in his hands the handtowel that she kept in the laundry. She faced her parents who were both watching her anxiously.
“They’ve found Jaena. She’s okay.”
“Thank you, Lord,” her father breathed and hugged his daughter close.
Madi’s mother broke down and cried then. When she could once again speak she was the one who asked the questions.
“Where is she?”
“I don’t know. They said she was on her way home and should be here within three to four hours.”
“Was that Marcus?”
“No.”
“I wonder if he knows?”
Madi shrugged.
“I think you should ring him, honey, and tell him. He was so good to you the day Jaena went missing. Ring him.”
“I don’t know where he lives.”
“Ring him at the station.”
Nervously Madi riffled through the phone book and found the number. When the phone was answered she asked for Marcus Hamilton. After what seemed like an interminable wait she was told that he’d gone off duty. Did she want to leave a message? She declined and hung up.
“He’s not there.”
“Never mind. I’m sure someone will tell him.”
Madi looked at her mother curiously, but said no more. Her father moved towards the phone.
“I’m just going to ring the prayer chain and let them know to give thanks for Jaena being found safe.”
Madi nodded. Suddenly she wanted to be alone: to be able to speak her own words of thanksgiving in the privacy of her own room. And to shed tears: this time tears of joy.
*********
In the end it was her mother who convinced her to sign the divorce papers. Marcus had explained that Damien had promised he’d leave her and Jaena alone if she signed. She had sat at the kitchen table with a cold cup of tea in front of her and wondered what kind of father gave up all rights to his own child.
Marcus had looked pained. “He’s threatened to harm her if you don’t sign.”
“Can’t you do anything?”
“Not unless a crime has been committed.”
Madi shook her head in frustration. “He’s Jaena’s father. I’d agree to supervised visits if that was what he wanted. I never wanted to stop him from seeing her completely.”
When Marcus was silent she looked at him. “Tell me.”
He obviously didn’t want to, but she stared at him until he answered. “Damien claims that Jaena isn’t his child.”
“What?”
“He says that you had an affair and therefore he is not responsible for providing for Jaena.”
Madi put her head down on the table and banged the table with her fists. “Does he say who the real father is, then?” she asked sarcastically. Marcus didn’t answer and she raised her head and looked at him. He looked even more uncomfortable than he had earlier.
“Who?”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. The thing is, if you agree to the divorce, he’ll leave you alone.” It would be fifteen years before she would learn that Damien had accused Marcus of being the father. By that time she would know that Marcus loved her and that Damien had guessed the truth and used it to torment Marcus. By accusing Marcus of fathering Jaena and refusing to accept responsibility for her, Damien had thought to torture Marcus further, but in reality he had given Marcus the opening to be the father to Jaena that she needed. But for now he remained quiet on that subject.
“He’s my husband. I know what he’s done is wrong … I know he won’t change unless he admits that he needs to … but I can’t just sign away my marriage like that.”
Marcus rose and grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and started putting it on. “I understand, Madi, truly I do. I don’t know if I could do it either.” They both knew that he would stand by his vows – unlike Damien. “I’ll see myself out.”
He was halfway out the door when Madi’s voice stopped him. “Is there someone else?”
“Pardon?”
“Damien. Has he found someone else?”
When he didn’t answer she pressed him further. “Tell me.”
Sorrowfully he looked at her. “Yes.”
She simply nodded and watched as he quietly let himself out. But after he’d gone she put her head down and cried.
*********
“Think of Jaena. What’s best for Jaena?”
“A father who loves her and provides for her is what’s best for Jaena.” Madi was angry. Angry at those who wouldn’t just ignore the divorce papers as she had done for over a year now; angry at her mother for bringing Jaena into this; angry at her father because he’d stayed away from all talk of divorce; angry at Marcus because she could see that he was hurting for her; angry at Damien because he was willing to walk away from his commitment and vows; angry, too, because of his accusations; but most of all, angry for Jaena because she deserved better.
Eventually she signed. Everyone was right. The marriage was over. Damien had found someone else – someone he wanted to marry. He had agreed to relinquish all rights to Jaena – Jaena would be safe. And in the end that was why Madi had signed. For Jaena.
But she never stopped feeling married in her heart. Even after she heard that Damien had remarried – and then divorced again. Even though she could have dated other men – she was not vain, but with her hair grown out again and post-pregnancy curves enhancing her womanly figure, she knew she was an attractive woman – she didn’t because she still felt like a wife.
It would be years before that feeling went away.
There was also another outcome of that terrifying time: she began to see more of Marcus, Damien’s cousin. At first he would just call in on his way home from work and make sure they were okay. But gradually he started hanging around more. Never in an obtrusive or offensive way – no, Marcus wasn’t like that – but he’d see their needs and quietly set about doing what he could to meet them. It had started when he realised she had no firewood and he’d arranged to get her a load and then had spent all day chopping it up so that it would fit in her small firebox. He’d stacked it by the back door and made a cover for it to keep it dry. She had felt guilty that she was taking up so much of his time, but he was cheerful about it and she realised that he was a kind man who found joy in helping others.
Why can’t others be like that, she had wondered, and then had immediately felt guilty because she knew what she was really asking was, why couldn’t Damien have been like that?
Jaena had started calling him Marc and Madi hadn’t felt comfortable with that. Mr Hamilton seemed too formal so eventually they had agreed on Uncle Marc. There had been that one time when Jaena had asked if she could call him Daddy Marc but Madi had nipped that in the bud straight away. She hoped that Marcus hadn’t heard about it. Jaena was not that great at keeping secrets. Understandable for a seven-year-old child, but still … Madi wouldn’t hurt Marcus for anything.
And so Marcus slotted into the empty hole in their family. He was like a father to Jaena; a companion to Madi. And if either of them lo
nged for more, neither one of them ever said so.
Chapter Four
Madi glanced at the clock before answering the door. Ten o’clock. Who was calling at this hour of the night?
“Marcus, when have you ever had to knock? Come in.”
One look at his face when he stepped into the light and Madi knew something was wrong.
“What is it? Mother? Daddy? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” Madi sunk into a chair.
Marcus knelt on the floor and took her hands.
“Please. No.” Madi started crying.
“I’m sorry, Madi. I have to tell you: Damien is dead.”
Madi stared at him as if not having heard.
Marcus rubbed her hands. “I’m sorry.”
“Damien? Dead?”
Marcus nodded.
“How?”
“There was a plane crash on a tiny island near Greece. We’ve just heard from the embassy that Damien and his wife – his latest one – were on that plane. There were no survivors.”
Madi sat silently. Marcus bowed his head and Madi knew that he was praying. For her; for Jaena; for Damien’s family. But most of all for her.
“When – when will the funeral be?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve only just spoken to his parents, but I imagine there’ll be a memorial service some time soon. Would you like me to take you?”
Madi nodded.
“I’m so sorry, Madi, truly I am.”
Madi shook her head as if to clear it. “It’s been so long since I last saw him that it doesn’t seem real. Almost seems as if he’s been dead all this time but now this is real. Dead.”
“Do you want me to stay while you tell Jaena?”
Madi gently released her hands from his grasp. “No, I’ll do it, but thank you. She doesn’t remember him – only what I’ve told her. But he was her father.” Madi stood. “Thank you for coming to tell me.”
Marcus also rose. “I couldn’t let you hear from a stranger.” He bent and kissed Madi’s cheek. “I’ll see myself out.”
Madi didn’t know why but for the rest of the night she could still feel where his lips had touched her skin.
*********
The memorial service had had a surreal quality to it. Madi hadn’t seen her former husband since the night he had cut off her long hair. Jaena had seen him the day he’d abducted her, but would’ve had no idea of what he looked like apart from the wedding photo Madi had put aside for her.
The rest of the family members had not seen Damien in years. Even his parents had heard from their son only sporadically. A letter or the occasional Christmas card. A phone call to say he was getting married. Again. An email that he was divorced and single. No one had even realised that he was living and working in Greece or that his latest wife had been Italian.
Consequently there were no photos of him on display at the service, adding to the surreal quality. Madi had felt as if she was taking part in a dream. No, not a dream. It was more like some movie set. All the props in place and trying to drum up the expected emotions and yet remaining untouched on the inside where it counted most. Yet, it wasn’t the numbness of grief that left her feeling cold and unemotional. No, it was the realisation that she no longer knew this man – no longer loved him – and that any power he had had to hurt her had long since dissipated.
It was a surprise to sit there at the service and realise that she’d stopped loving him – perhaps years ago and she hadn’t even noticed. The only thing that hurt her about his death was not knowing where he was now. He had professed a commitment to Christ all those years ago, but had it been genuine?
Afterwards the family had gone out to a restaurant for a meal. His parents had left early – perhaps feeling that it wasn’t exactly the done thing to eat out after they’d just said goodbye to their son – but Marcus had been there and his parents Gordon and Lois, his sister Diana and her husband Wes, Madi’s parents Stephen and Sophie, a few other cousins whom Madi knew only by sight, and of course, Madi and Jaena.
It was several weeks before Madi realised that Jaena had been upset by her father’s death. Slowly Jaena had come to the realisation that now she would never have the chance to know her father. While he had lived she had scarcely given it a thought, but now that he was dead she felt regret for all she had never known.
Marcus was the one that helped Jaena greatly through this period. He answered Jaena’s questions about her father – questions that Madi was too angry and too raw after the funeral to answer. After all, Damien had deserted her and even though she no longer loved him, it still hurt when she thought about his desertion.
It was Marcus that found photos of Jaena’s father as a boy and teenager and told her what he knew and remembered. Madi suspected that he censored some of his memories. It had taken years before Madi had admitted to herself that Damien had been unfaithful to her – even during their short marriage – but it wasn’t something she wanted Jaena to know about, especially now that her father was dead. She knew Marcus could be trusted not to tell Jaena about that.
Marcus, too, took Jaena to visit Damien’s family who found so much comfort in seeing and knowing this girl who had her father’s hair and colouring and was proof that he had existed. Within a few months, Jaena seemed to have arrived at a new level of acceptance regarding her father. Perhaps more significantly, Marcus had finally and unequivocally filled that need in her life for a father. But none of them realised just how much until one dreadful night. The night Marcus almost died.
*********
Madi unlocked the back door, hit the light switch, and dumped her bag and keys on the kitchen table. “You go have your shower, Jaena, and I’ll rustle us up something to eat.”
Jaena dropped her hockey stick and pads just inside the back door and started to remove her jacket. “I wonder why Uncle Marcus wasn’t there? He said he’d come to the game and take us out for dinner afterwards.”
Madi picked up the mail she’d placed on the table earlier and started sorting through it. “I guess something came up at work. I know he promised and he would’ve been there if he could have. You know that, so don’t let it upset you.”
“I’m not upset. I just wish he’d been there to see me score that last goal.”
“Well, we’ll have to tell him all about it when we see him, won’t we?” Madi smiled and then moved towards the phone when it rang. “That’s probably him now. Go have your shower. I’ll invite him over for dinner.”
Jaena skipped off and Madi lifted the phone off its hook. When Jaena returned twenty minutes later with a towel wrapped around her freshly washed hair, Madi was sitting at the kitchen table, dinner forgotten.
“Mum?”
Madi didn’t even glance up.
“Mum?” Jaena’s voice was more urgent.
This time Madi did look up, her face revealing her shock.
“What’s happened? Tell me quick. What’s happened?”
“Marcus has been shot.” The words slurred as Madi tried desperately to say what her brain still refused to accept.
“What? No! Noooooooo!” Jaena collapsed to the floor screaming, her hands cradling her head.
Her daughter’s actions roused Madi and she rose and went around the table. Crouching down beside Jaena, she took her into her arms.
“How did it happen?”
“I don’t know.” Madi’s words came hesitantly. “Diana rang. They’re at the hospital. He’s in surgery, but I don’t know anything more.”
“He’s still alive?”
Madi nodded.
“From the way you looked … I thought … I thought he was dead.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. But it was such a shock.”
“But Uncle Marcus is alive?”
“Yes. But his condition is critical.”
“What does that mean?”
Madi hesitated.
“Tell me, Mum.”
“They still don’t know if he’ll make it.”
<
br /> Jaena reached up for a tissue from the table. “I have to see him.”
“Jaeney-honey, I don’t think we can. He’s in surgery and when he comes out only family will be able to see him.”
“We’re family,” Jaena answered stubbornly.
“You know what I mean.”
“We’re the closest he has to family. We should be there.”
“Grandpa Gordon and Grandma Lois will be there. And Diana.”
“I want to be there, too. Please. I can’t just sit here and wait.”
Madi passed a hand across her face. “But I don’t know what we can do. We’ll just be in the way.”
“No, we won’t. Why did Aunt Diana ring unless it was because she wanted us there?”
Madi had no answer. Suddenly she sighed and stood up. “Okay. Grab yourself a sandwich and I’ll heat up some soup to take with us and we’ll go.”
Jaena threw her arms around her mother. “It’s right that we go. You know that, don’t you?”
*********
The drive to the hospital had been a quiet trip. Jaena had taken a comb and had spent the first part of the journey wrestling with her wet curly hair. In the end she had pulled it into a messy ponytail and ignored it. Several times Madi had glanced across at her daughter, but Jaena had failed to meet her eyes.
“You know, I like your hair curly. I don’t know why you want to straighten it all the time.”
“Mum! How can you think of something like that at a time like this?”
“I was just trying to take your mind off things.”
“Well, don’t!” Jaena’s voice was unnecessarily sharp and Madi realised that she was worried about Marcus.
“He’ll be okay.” She reached over and patted her daughter’s knee. Jaena just nodded and in the darkness Madi thought she could see the glint of tears.
Madi fell silent. The sandwiches were still in their container, virtually untouched, and she’d forgotten to bring the thermos of soup in their hurry to get out the door. It didn’t matter. She’d taken a bite of a sandwich, but hadn’t finished it. She never felt comfortable driving and eating anyway – she could just imagine what Marcus would say to that – and her concern had banished all thoughts of hunger. She knew she should eat – knew she would feel dizzy if she didn’t have something – but it was impossible to force anything down.
The Scent of Rain Page 5
