The instant I see the empty bed I feel like I’m in danger of losing the breakfast sandwich I scarfed down on the way here.
Taking a deep breath, I pull the door closed before heading back out to the common area. Zeke’s head pops up when I reenter the room.
“Did he know you were coming?” he asks, stretching out his legs.
“No, thought I’d surprise him. Mind if I wait?” I point to the chair in the corner, refusing to let my mind run wild with me.
“Not at all. I think we’re scheduled to leave in a couple hours so he should be back soon.”
“Okay, thanks.” I slide down into the chair, not able to shake the sick feeling that’s settled in the pit of my stomach.
Zeke pops in a pair of ear buds and scrolls his finger across the iPad in his hand, doing what I presume he was doing when I showed up and interrupted. Meanwhile, I’m sitting across from him, silently freaking out as every imaginable scenario runs through my head.
Hudson left after the show with Annabelle and didn’t come back? Just what every girl wants to hear about her boyfriend. And as much as I try to convince myself he would never do that to me, deep down I know that’s what everyone tells themselves when they’re in love. You never want to believe someone you care that deeply for could hurt you in such a way. But the truth of the matter is, it happens every single day.
Who’s to say I’m not just another stupid girl who finds it easier to ignore the signs than admit the truth? I shake away the thought. There’s no way Hudson could ever do that to me. I see the way he looks at me, the way he touches me. I feel it in his words, in his action.
I’m sure everyone thinks that way, the little voice in my head chimes in.
I go back and forth. The internal battle raging on and on as I wait. And I wait. And I wait...
—-
“Lennon.”
My eyes shoot open and I straighten. Looking up at Hudson and then around the bus, I feel a little disoriented, but it doesn’t take long for me to remember where I am.
“What time is it?” I stifle a yawn as I stretch my arms.
“Just before ten.” He squats down in front of me. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to surprise you,” I say, my voice groggy and sleep riddled.
“Well you definitely have.” He gives me a full blown smile but it quickly falls when he catches the shift in my expression as my earlier thoughts hit me like a bullet.
“Where have you been?” I ask, trying to keep the question from sounding accusatory.
“I decided to stay at the hotel.”
“Were you alone?” I can’t stop myself from asking.
“Why would you ask me that?” His forehead draws in confusion.
“You left with Annabelle after the concert and never came back.” I look around the room noticing that Zeke is not there to back me up. In fact, the bus seems completely silent.
“Lennon.” I recognize the tone of his voice. The irritation and frustration due to the fact that I’m going there yet again. I hate that I am too, but I can’t help it. It’s like a knee jerk reaction at this point.
“Answer the question, Hudson.” I cross my arms over my chest and wait.
He opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times like he’s not really sure what to say. The action only makes me more nervous and the knot in my stomach grows tighter with each second that passes.
“Len...” It’s all he gets out before I hear her voice as she enters the bus.
“Hey, Hudson, did you happen to see my bracelet in the hotel room before you left? I can’t find...” Her voice dies off and she comes to an abrupt stop when she reaches the top of the stairs and sees me sitting in front of Hudson. “Oh, I...” she stutters, clearly not expecting to see me.
“Now I know why you wouldn’t answer the question,” I grind out, my voice low as my gaze shoots back to Hudson. Every ounce of color has drained from his face.
“Lennon, it’s not what you...”
“Don’t you dare!” I stand abruptly, causing him to stumble backward a couple of steps before straightening to a full stand.
“Lennon, wait.” Hudson reaches for me but my feet are already moving.
I shove past Annabelle with so much force it knocks her backward into the folded door. I take off through the parking lot, feeling like I’m going to go into a full blown panic attack if I don’t get out of here.
It’s only seconds before Hudson catches up to me, his fingers closing around my forearm as he pulls me to a stop.
“Lennon, stop.” He tugs at my arm, giving me no choice but to turn and face him. “I swear it is not what you think. Anna...” he starts, but I hold up my hand to stop him.
“Don’t.” I shake my head, fighting back the tears that are burning the back of my eyes. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not what I think.”
“But it isn’t.”
“Why were you with Annabelle, Hudson? What could you have possibly been doing in a hotel room with her if not exactly what I’m thinking?”
“She had too much to drink.”
“Oh yeah, this is starting off really well. You know what, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It won’t change anything anyway.” I rip my arm out of his grasp.
“Lennon.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I blurt.
“She had too much to drink. I walked her to her room. She was a mess, crying, saying how she was so alone. I couldn’t leave her like that,” he rushes out.
“I’m sure you made her feel real good, Hudson. I sure as hell don’t need the details.”
“Nothing happened. I swear it, Lennon. I slept in the chair in the corner of the room.”
“You really expect me to believe that?” The question rips from my throat so loudly anyone within a few hundred feet can probably hear.
“Yes, because it’s the truth.” He attempts to reach for me but I take a full step back.
My chest aches, my stomach turns, and looking at him makes me feel like I’m being swallowed up by a black hole.
“I won’t be that girl. I can’t be that girl.”
“What girl, Lennon?” His voice is almost desperate and it drives the knife currently piercing my heart even deeper into my chest.
“The girl who naïvely believes every word her famous boyfriend feeds her when all the signs point to what she refuses to see.”
“You’re not naïve. Nothing is going on.”
“I can’t sit around in that big house imagining the worst then having you prove me right at every turn,” I continue like he hasn’t even spoken. “I’m sick all the time. I’m obsessed. I can’t think of anything else. You and Annabelle. It eats at me. It’s killing me. You’ve made me someone I don’t even recognize anymore. Someone that I hate. I can’t... No, I won’t do this anymore.”
“Lennon, please.” Hudson grabs my hand when I attempt to walk away.
“Don’t!” I scream, ripping my hand away. “Do not touch me.”
“Please just listen to me. I didn’t do what you think I did. I could never do that to you.”
“It doesn’t even matter.” My chin quivers as tears begin to fall. “Whether you’re with her or you’re not, you’ve already made your choice. You chose to stay with her with no regard for how I would feel about it. Just like you’ve been doing for months. Even if you slept in the chair like you claim, which I don’t for one second believe, you still did so knowing it’s something I would have never been comfortable with. But then again, why should you care. You didn’t know I would come half way across the country to surprise you. As far as you knew I’d never find out. No harm, no foul, right?”
“That’s not true. I was going to tell you.”
“Don’t. We both know you weren’t.” I turn in a full circle, my eyes up on the sky as I try to collect myself enough to continue, “You can go back and tell her she wins. I don’t have it in me to play this game anymore.”
“What game?”
&n
bsp; “You know, the sad thing is I’m not sure if you really are that clueless or you’re just really good at making me think you are. The fact that I’m not sure either way speaks volumes.”
“Tell me what you want me to do. How can I prove to you that you are it for me, Lennon?”
“You can’t. The seeds of doubt have been planted and they’re growing so rapidly I can’t see my way out anymore. It doesn’t matter if you slept with her.”
“I didn’t,” he cuts in.
“It doesn’t matter if you did.” My voice eerily calm. “I thought I could do this, Hudson. I thought I could be a part of your world and not lose myself in the process, but I can’t.”
“You haven’t even tried,” he erupts, his anger boiling to the surface. “You have fought me every single step of the way. It wasn’t me that kept us apart for weeks at a time. You made that choice. How many times did I offer to fly you to where I was going to be? How many times did I ask you to come with me and you flat out refused? If we’re being honest here you never wanted to be a part of my world. It was always me trying to pull you into it and you resisting at every turn.”
“Maybe that’s true. Maybe I was afraid to put one hundred percent of myself into this because deep down I always knew it wouldn’t work. I’m not cut out for this kind of life.”
“And what kind of life is that, Lennon? A life you get to spend with me?”
“A life where I never feel like I’m enough.”
“You are enough.” The intensity of his voice has me taking a full step back. “You’ve always been enough,” he softens. “Haven’t I shown you that? Haven’t I loved you enough?”
“Maybe it’s me not able to love you enough.” I want to take it back the moment it leaves my lips, but I know it’s too late. The damage has already been done. The bomb I launched hit its target with absolute precision.
I look into his eyes and I see the future I thought I would have with him slipping away. I look at his lips and I mourn that I will never feel them pressed against mine again. I look at his hair, knowing I’ll never run my fingers through it again. Never hear his laugh or see his smile. Never hear him say my name when he’s buried deep inside of me. The weight of everything crashes over me and it’s all I can do to keep myself from crumbling to the ground.
“I don’t even know what to say.” Hurt is etched into every feature of his handsome face and it kills me to know I put it there.
“I love you,” I say as I turn.
“You have no idea how much I wish that was enough,” he says as I begin to walk away.
Tears pour down my face and I feel like my chest is being split in half with every step I take, yet I can’t make myself turn back.
I meant what I said. Not about loving him enough. That’s never been the problem, but about our love being enough.
The sting of learning he was with Anna last night weighs heavy, but what he did or didn’t do isn’t what got us here. No, that was all on me. I delivered the fatal blow by making him believe he wasn’t enough for me when in actuality it’s me who isn’t enough for him. In a way I’ve always known it would come down to this.
Chapter Twenty-six
I raise my hand and wrap on the door of my sister’s cute three bedroom ranch. It’s after eleven o’clock at night but I know she’s still up. She never goes to bed before midnight.
I lean my forehead against the navy blue wood as I wait for someone to answer. I didn’t call her to tell her I was coming. Truthfully, as I was packing I felt certain that I would find myself at Emma’s but at the last second I changed my mind and headed in the opposite direction. Emma has enough on her plate preparing for the baby. The last thing she needs is me showing up on her doorstep in the middle of the night. Especially in the shape I’m in.
I feel dead on my feet. My eyes are swollen from crying and my lack of sleep has only intensified the burn behind them. I can’t remember a time where emotional pain has ever felt so physically painful. I feel the ache deep in my bones. The loss of something so profound not one single part of my mind, body, or heart has been left unaffected.
I jump when the door abruptly opens, pulling my head up just in time to see my sister’s expression fall when she catches sight of me.
“Lennon?” It’s all she says before I drop my bag and crumble in her arms.
I cry like I can’t ever remember crying before. Loud, angry sobs that rip through my body with so much intensity I’m shaking.
Starr doesn’t say a word. She simply tightens her hold on me and guides me inside. I vaguely hear her say something to Mark as she settles us onto the couch.
Shifting to the far end, she guides my head into her lap and gently runs her hands through my hair while I cry it out. She doesn’t push for anything. In fact, she doesn’t ask a single question. Instead, she gives me exactly what I need; a safe space to let go of the emotion I’ve been holding inside since this morning.
I feel like I might cry forever. That nothing will ease the pain coursing through me, but eventually my sobs start to weaken until all that’s left are silent tears rolling down my cheeks every few seconds.
“I ended things with Hudson.” My voice is hoarse and broken when I finally speak.
“What happened?” Starr asks. If she’s surprised she doesn’t let on. Maybe she could see it was coming long before I did. Or maybe I knew it was coming too and just didn’t want to let myself acknowledge it.
“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every single day.”
“But something must have happened.” She continues to play with my hair, the action soothing.
“You know how I flew to Colorado this morning,” I start. “When I got there Hudson wasn’t on the bus. One of the guys from the band said he left after the show the night before with Annabelle and they hadn’t seen him since.”
“That doesn’t mean anything though, Lenny.”
“I had dosed off waiting for him,” I keep going without acknowledging her. “When he finally showed I asked him straight out. He didn’t even have a chance to deny it before Anna walked on the bus asking if he had seen her bracelet before he left the hotel room.” My sister inhales a sharp intake of air. “She didn’t see me sitting there, though even if she had I’m sure she would’ve been happy to announce that they had been together.”
“And what did he say?”
“He swears nothing happened. Something about her being drunk and emotional and he didn’t want to leave her so he slept in the chair in the corner of the room.”
“And you don’t believe that?”
“Do you?” I turn my head to look up at my sister.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I have a hard time imagining it going either way. On one hand I can’t see him staying with her and not sleeping with her. Especially with the way she is with him. Then again, I have a really hard time believing he would cheat on you.”
I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest as I shift to face Starr.
“I told him I didn’t love him enough to do this anymore. I didn’t mean it. Or maybe I did mean it. I don’t know. Either way, it’s over. I have no way of knowing the truth and I don’t think I’m capable of living with that uncertainty. I’ll always wonder, ya know?”
“I get that. This just all seems kind of out of left field. I didn’t even know you were having issues. I mean, I know you had some concerns about Annabelle, but you never made me believe that concern also extended to Hudson. You always seemed so happy when you were with him. Happier than I’ve ever seen you, Lenny.”
“I was happy. I think that’s the hardest part. When we were together everything was perfect. I was sure of our relationship. Of his feelings for me. But when we were apart I spent nearly all day every day worrying. And the problem with that is we were apart a hell of a lot more than we were together. I found myself obsessive and jealous. I would troll the internet looking for proof that they were a thing, certain that it was only
a matter of time before something confirmed my suspicions. I hated who I was becoming. Does that sound crazy?”
“Not at all.” My sister reaches forward and pats my leg. “It makes you sound human.”
“I’m sorry to just show up like this. I was hoping I could stay here a few days until I figure out my next move.”
“Of course,” she answers without hesitation. “You can stay here as long as you need.”
“I just can’t stay in that house. I can’t sleep in that bed. I can’t even look out at the beach. Everything reminds me of him. It’s like he’s gone but he’s not really gone. I still see him everywhere. When I close my eyes I see his face. When I take a deep breath I smell his scent. I feel like I’m suffocating.” I choke, fresh tears pooling in my eyes.
“Are you sure about this, Lenny? You clearly love him so much. Are you sure walking away is the best choice?”
“I asked myself those same questions the entire flight back and in truth, I don’t know. But how do I believe him? How do I trust him now? If I was driving myself crazy before, imagine what a wreck I’d be obsessing over whether or not he slept with her last night or how many times he’s slept with her over the course of their time together. For all I know this has been going on for months. What can he do to prove otherwise?”
“Not much unfortunately. It’s his word.”
“Exactly. And how do I trust his word over what’s right in front of my face?”
“I guess you can’t.” She shrugs, her face soft with sympathy. “I get why you did what you did, Lenny. My heart hurts for you but I get it. At the end of the day you have to trust your gut.”
“I can’t talk about this anymore,” I say, feeling on the verge of puking which I already did twice on the plane. “I think I need to sleep.” I stand, honestly not sure how I have the physical strength to get myself off the couch.
“Okay.” Starr pushes up and follows me toward the guest room.
I flip on the light, seeing my bag already sitting on the edge of the bed. I don’t remember seeing Mark, but then again given my current state of mind and the way I broke down on my sister the instant she opened the door, that’s not really all that surprising.
Tequila Burn Page 17
