by Hayden Hunt
Thankfully, I had planned for this and had my towel right next to me, but it was hardly a relief. I was freezing my ass off as I rushed to dry myself and get into some comfy clothes.
I decided, since I was obviously going to be stuck here for a few days, I’d just change into some comfy pajamas. I didn’t see any reason to get fully dressed right now. It’s not like I had to impress anybody.
I mean, obviously, I liked Chris, and I’d like to impress him, I suppose, but it was better that I didn’t. The less attractive I appeared, the better.
When I walked back out into the living room a little less than an hour later, Chris was sitting on the couch, munching on a bag of chips. It looked like he’d nearly finished the family size bag.
“Hey…” I began slowly.
“Oh, hi!” he said in surprise. He obviously hadn’t heard me come out of the bathroom.
He sat up on the couch and tossed the chip bag down.
“So…” I started, as I sat down next to him. I tried to think of a way to bring this up without things being totally and completely awkward, but I was coming up blank.
Sensing my nervousness, Chris was kind enough to try and change the subject.
“Hey, so, is this you?” he asked, grabbing a picture off of the coffee table and showing it to me.
It wasn’t a picture of me exactly. There were a lot of us in the photograph. It had been taken at Jake’s wedding. Jake and his wife were standing in the middle. On the left of his wife, all of her bridesmaids were standing there with flowers. And, on the right side of Jake were all of us groomsmen.
“Yep, actually, I was Jake’s Best Man. It was a beautiful day.” I smiled as I thought about it.
The wedding had gone off without a hitch. Though that probably had been because they hadn’t taken the wedding too seriously.
At my age, I’d been to plenty of weddings, for friends, for co-workers. And what I’d noticed consistently was that the bridezillas and groomzillas always seemed to have the hardest time on their wedding day. It was like if one thing went wrong, it all tumbled down.
I had seen one bride literally start bawling at the reception because the cake had ended up being one tier shorter than they had ordered. I mean, which is a damn big mistake if you’re a bakery selling wedding cakes, don’t get me wrong. But I still couldn’t imagine having a meltdown over it.
But Jake and his wife had been nothing like that. They had planned a small wedding, it had been pretty simplistic, and neither one of them had been particularly invested in the wedding day itself. What both of them had wanted had been a marriage.
“It was this really sweet, simple wedding,” I told Chris. “It was in Jake’s mother’s backyard. They live out in the country and have all this land, and they had it decorated with lights and candles. It was nice. They just had their good friends and family there.”
“It sounds like a lovely day.” Chris nodded. “That sounds like the kind of wedding I’d want, honestly.”
“Yeah? You’re not big on weddings either, huh?”
“No, not really.” He shrugged. “Honestly, I’d be the kind of guy that’s happy to get married in a court house.”
“Really?” This surprised me for some reason. “You didn’t strike me as the type for that.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“Well, you’re so outgoing. You like people. I’d prefer to elope myself, but I am not a big fan of people,” I laughed, “and I wouldn’t have that many people to invite.”
“No big family, huh?” he asked.
Dammit, I walked into that one. I usually avoided talking about my family but there was no avoiding it now.
“Well, I kind of do, actually. But they’re not really part of my life anymore.”
He frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you mind if I ask why?”
I did, but I felt rude saying that. Especially after I’d been such an ass to him earlier when he had tried to kiss me. I didn’t want to make things any more awkward than I already had.
“I came out when I was 18, and it didn’t go over too well. Which I had kind of expected. My parents are very religious; my whole extended family is religious. The kind of people who are strict about going to church literally every other Sunday. But, I don’t know, before I had come out, I had really been hoping that they’d learn to accept me anyway. Since I was their kid and all. At the very least, I had thought my siblings would have supported me. But, no, they cast me out of the family, and I haven’t really heard from them since.”
He looked like he was about to tear up. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! That’s terrible…”
I shrugged. “It was a long time ago. It was awful of them, but I’ve mostly gotten over it,” I partially lied.
While I had distanced myself from the pain considerably, I would be lying if I said it didn’t still hurt. Every time the holidays rolled around, it was especially difficult. Co-workers and friends always had stories about going home to see their families, and it made me feel so incredibly lonely.
“How could you really get over that?” Chris pushed. “They were your parents, your family, the people who are supposed to love you more than anything. And they just ditched you because… why? Because you love men? Because of something you can’t control? I just can’t fucking imagine…”
“Well, when you put it like that…” I laughed awkwardly.
I was trying to play it off like no big deal, but Chris wasn’t having it. He was pushing me to talk more, to tell him how I really felt. And, until this moment, I hadn’t realized how badly I had wanted to talk about how I really felt.
“Seriously, you don’t have to act with me,” Chris insisted. “I know it must be painful, it has to be. I’ve had a lot of shit come my way in life. I’ve had a string of horrible, failed relationships, but my family has been my saving grace.”
I sighed. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve had some of the same. And it sucks not having that support. But I have my close friends, I have people like Jake. And I’ve known him since we were kids, his family is pretty much my family, and that truly does help. But, no, it’s not the same.”
“Again, I’m so sorry. I would never fucking treat my kid like that.”
“Neither would I,” I agreed. “It really fucks you up, to think the people who brought you into this life don’t even love you anymore. It does a number on your self-esteem, there’s no coping with it. I actually think I blame them for a lot of my failed relationships.”
I hadn’t ever admitted that out loud before. I was surprised to even hear myself say it.
“How so?” he asked.
“Well, I don’t know. Since they cut me out, I feel like I’ve been really searching for the validation they once gave me. You know, the validation that I’m a person worthy of love. And that led me to stay with… well, a lot of people who maybe didn’t deserve that love. All because I hadn’t wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to deal with being by myself and all that came with it.”
“Is that the situation with your most recent relationship?” Chris asked.
This conversation was getting so personal, but I honestly didn’t mind. Having this conversation was so cathartic. To think, I had come out here thinking it was going to be awkward to tell him the reason that I hadn’t wanted to hook up. And, now, I was talking about things that were way more intimate.
“You know, I’ve been slowly learning more about myself over the past few years. And I’ve noticed this unfortunate pattern in my relationships, and I think I’ve been doing my best to combat it. But, yeah, I do think I still held on a little too long for this reason. I think the holidays really had something to do with it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “The holidays?”
“Yeah, you know, that’s the hardest time, when you don’t have a family. It’s the time you’re supposed to spend with those closest to you. So, if you don’t have that, you feel kind of… empty. As shitty of a person as Tim was, his family wasn’t bad at all. And I really
enjoyed spending time with them, especially during the holidays. I think I had wanted to experience that one last time. Maybe I had been hoping that by the next holidays, I’d be dating someone else,, and I wouldn’t have to be alone.” I laughed. “Want to hear something funny?”
He gave a half-smile. “Honestly, I’m not sure what could be funny during this conversation, but I’m all-ears.”
“The day that I broke up with Chris, I had actually been practicing baking for one of his family holiday get-togethers. See, we were supposed to bring something, and I’m actually atrocious at any kind of baking. So, I had been making cookies in advance to get it down right, and as I was, I told myself I was putting off breaking up with him because I was being kind. Because he’d be upset to be dumped right before the holidays and would have to explain that to his family. But I think that was me rationalizing. It wasn’t a selfless act at all, it was me being greedy. Me avoiding loneliness during the holidays.”
“Wow…” Chris mumbled. “James, I’m really sorry you had to deal with that.” He reached out and grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry that you still have to deal with this.”
I could feel myself beginning to tear up, and I looked away from him instinctively. “Yeah, it’s fine,” I mumbled.
“No.” He grabbed my head and tilted it toward him. “Seriously, James, I’m so sorry.”
Without even thinking, I could feel my body falling into his. Like, I was just curving into him without thinking, craving the comfort I hadn’t had in so long.
And he absolutely responded. He curled his hand around my head and began stroking my hair, softly and carefully. It set off a warmth in me that I hadn’t felt in years, maybe longer.
We sat like that for a few moments, just curled up in one another, savoring the moment.
He didn’t try to kiss me again this time. He didn’t make a move to do anything but continue to comfort me. We didn’t speak for minutes, but it was Chris that broke the silence.
“It’s your ex, isn’t it?” he asked suddenly.
I had no idea what he was talking about. “What do you mean? What’s my ex?”
“He’s the reason you aren’t willing to do anything more with me. He’s the reason you pulled away when I went to kiss you. Because, I mean, I think it’s clear that you actually like me. I don’t think that’s the problem.”
“No, no, I do really like you,” I admitted, “that’s not the problem at all. Trust me, I actually have quite a big crush on you.”
“But your ex…”
“No,” I interrupted him, “it’s not him, either. I meant what I said, I am not hung up on him. I think the only reason I wanted to stay with him truly was because I was lonely and it was the holidays… but no, it’s not him.”
“So what is it?” he asked. “I’m sorry if that’s blunt, I know I should probably at least pretend to be hesitant to be this blunt. But we’ve been so honest with each other thus far, I don’t see the point in beating around the bush.”
“You’re right,” I acknowledged. “Let’s just continue to be honest with one another. Your bluntness isn’t bothering me. I guess it’s just that…”
After everything I’d said, this should have been easy to share. And, yet, I was stalling.
“What is it? Spit it out?” He nudged me.
“I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?” he asked as he brushed my hair out of my eyes.
“I’m already dealing with a break-up, and I tend to get attached to people really easily. I’m scared to hook up with you, to do something with you, and then end up liking you more than I intended. Then when this weekend ends it’s just… over.”
He laughed. “Is that all? Well, I’m not so sure you’ll get that hung up on me. I’m not as great as I look,” he said in a self-deprecating manner.
“No, that’s the problem, though. I’m pretty positive that I will, in fact, get very attached to you. I already am starting to feel it… from the first evening I spent with you, I had feelings. I am drawn to you, like there is some kind of magnetic connection here. I can’t explain it.”
“I feel the same way. And, unlike you, I don’t get easily attached. But you are just… so damn likeable!” He laughed.
I couldn’t help but smile. “And I genuinely am happy to hear that you’re interested in me, too, on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I’m still so nervous to get hurt. This weekend is all we have, you know? And then it’s back to our own lives, back to our own worlds.”
I was lying on his chest, and I could feel him shrug. “How can you be sure? How do you know? I mean, the fact that I’m equally attached to you… doesn’t that say something to you, too? Like, maybe this won’t be just a hook-up?”
“But how can that be true?” I asked. “Like, yes, maybe you like me, too. But, at the end of the day, we’re still strangers. We may be strangers having a beautiful moment, a brilliant weekend together, but when all is said and done, we’ll go back to our lives on Monday.”
“Why should we have to?” he asked. “If I like you, if you like me, if we feel this is more serious than a fling, why shouldn’t it be? I mean, we only live forty-five minutes away from each other, right?”
“I suppose…” I hadn’t really thought about that. In my head, we never could be together because he was on vacation, and I never could do a long-distance thing. But I guess forty-five minutes away wasn’t really long distance, was it?
“Maybe this is more than just one beautiful weekend spent together. Maybe this is the start of something serious, something real between us. Maybe this is the start of a life-long relationship.”
“Life-long?!” I laughed. “You know me four twenty-four hours, and now you’re guessing that I might be a life-long partner for you?!”
He laughed, too. “No, no, I’m definitely not assuming that. But I do know one thing.”
“And what’s that?” I asked, looking up at him.
“That I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. Not this quickly after meeting. I’ve never felt this kind of pull toward someone. And I’m not someone who usually thinks with my emotions, but… yeah, this feels like something more to me. It really, really does.”
I had butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t even allowed myself this line of thinking. The idea that maybe we could be together, and I might not get my heart broken, that hadn’t even popped in my head. I came into this purely with the assumption that my feelings for him would lead to heartbreak.
But why should I feel like that? Because all my relationships before had ended in heartbreak? So what? Maybe this time it would be different. Maybe Chris would be the one to break the cycle.
And even though I hardly knew him, too, it did feel like he could be. Although I do usually fall hard for people, it never had felt like this before. I’d never been this comfortable with someone I had just met. I don’t know. This just somehow felt… deeper. It was hard to put my finger on. But this was something more, I was sure of it.
“I’m easily hurt, though,” I admitted to him, since I’d admitted everything else already. “You understand that? The lack of love that I get outside of my relationships in my life… well, it makes me feel way too deeply. I’ve felt things for men that were total shit to me. So, I don’t see how I’m not going to end up deeply hurt if anything goes wrong with you.”
“Look, I’m no different,” he told me, “I may not be too emotional of a person, but I don’t get involved with people lightly. I have to really like someone to want to jump into a relationship. And, already, I feel like you’re going to be worth that. I won’t go into this casually, either, believe me.”
I laughed. “This is kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Just, you and me, this thing we’re doing. This weird connection we have it’s all… it’s really odd, isn’t it? It feels like genuinely very weird.”
“Not going to lie, it is. I’ve been thinking about that since
you got here, but especially since we kissed. My feelings for you… just, ugh, they make no sense. And I’m the kind of guy who likes to make sense.”
“Is this one of those, like, love at first sight situations?” I asked him.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I kind of don’t think so, though. Considering when I first saw you, I wanted to smash your head in with a lamp.”
I busted up laughing. Holy shit, I’d completely forgotten about that!
“Yeah, what the hell was that about?!” I asked.
“I thought you were a burglar! And/or a murderer/rapist.” He laughed back. “Okay, yes, it was a little dramatic, but you watch someone enter into a house without being invited and you tell me if your brain doesn’t automatically go to murderer.”
“Uh, I’m kind of positive it wouldn’t,” I teased him.
“Yeah, well, whatever. I’m proud of myself for grabbing that lamp. I was totally ready to defend myself even though I had, like, no actual weapons.”
“Yeah, you know, I can’t deny it. You’d probably do pretty well with that lamp. I mean, it seems hard enough.”
“It was sturdy!” he agreed before cringing. “God, can you imagine if I’d actually hit you with it?”
“Yeahhh… I’m thinking maybe we wouldn’t have ended up in this situation. Pretty sure lamp-in-the-face ruins any chances of love at first sight. I may be kind of cute normally, but probably not so much with a bloody nose and two black eyes.”
He kissed my cheek. “Nah, pretty sure you’d be cute no matter what. And I definitely would’ve still fallen for you.”
Fuck, I liked him.
I really, really liked him.
8
Chris
I can confidently say that this has been the weirdest fucking weekend of my life.
I mean, seriously, is it possible to just take a minute and reflect on all the absolute insanity that has happened so far?
First of all, I come up on this trip thinking I’m going to be totally alone. Then, some guy shows up, and I’m relieved to not be totally alone for the night. And, I think he’s cute, and I kind of like him, but I suspect he doesn’t like me at all after he goes to bed early. I expect him to head out the next morning.
