by Hayden Hunt
I laughed. “Absolutely, lots of kids. I’m a big kid person.”
“Good. Me too. See, this is the kind of stuff I have to ask you when we’re in a relationship, or else I’d just jump to the marriage part. See, I can justify skipping the dating part, but I can't exactly justify skipping the relationship part.”
I chuckled again. “Yeah, you know, I’m in the same boat.”
“So, now that we’ve established we are going to move straight into a very serious relationship, does that mean I can just go ahead and be my full self around you?”
“Don't tell me you’ve been holding back!” I teased. “You’re already so much to handle as is!”
He rolled his eyes. “Well, I wasn't holding back by much. But the true me wants to tell you to get your damn clothes off and jump into that hot bath with me right now.”
I laughed. “In a minute. First, I’ve got a question for you.”
The one thing that had ached in me after my break up with Tim was the fact that I’d be alone for the holidays again. Ever since I was 18 and my family had decided they wanted nothing to do with me, I’d done my best to make sure I had something to do for the holidays. Because there is seriously nothing more fucking depressing than being alone on Christmas.
And now that Chris wanted to officially be in a relationship, I might be able to avoid that entirely! If we're dating, it’d be totally acceptable to spend Christmas together.
“Shoot,” Chris encouraged.
“What are your Christmas plans?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m going down to visit my parents.”
I tried to hide the immediate disappointment on my face. But I knew I was probably doing a shitty job because I wore my heart right on my sleeve.
“Well, that should be fun,” I forced a smile.
“Yeah, I love going there for Christmas. My mom does a feast that’s just about as big as Thanksgiving’s, so, for our family, Christmas is like two holidays rolled into one.”
God, I wished so badly I had that. I thought back to Christmases at my house prior to my parents deciding I wasn't part of the family anymore. We’d all wake up early, and my parents would sort presents into piles so we could all dig in and open them. My mom would bake Christmas ham…
“So, what are you doing?” Chris asked me.
“Oh, not really anything,” I tried to smile through it.
He could obviously see this bothered me, though he didn’t seem to want to point it out bluntly.
“Would you maybe want to come?”
“Come where?” I asked.
“Come with me, to my family’s Christmas.”
My eyes bulged with worry. “Seriously?”
“Well, you are my boyfriend now.”
I chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, but, even so… It’s a little early for that. I mean, I’m bad at meeting parents even when I’ve been with someone for years. I’m going to a complete mess if I meet your parents after one weekend.”
“Yeah, you’re totally right. That’d be a little much. I just feel terrible thinking about you spending Christmas all by yourself…”
“Oh, don’t feel that way at all. Really, it’s no big deal. I mean, really, it’s one day. I’ll get over it.”
He nodded. “Well, I’ll be back before you know it, and we’ll have our own Christmas.” He put his hand on my thigh.
It was so crazy how natural this all felt. When he said ‘I’ll be back before you know it,’ it felt like we’d been together for years. Like we normally did holidays together, but this time we couldn’t, so he was consoling me. It just didn’t feel like someone I had only barely met.
“So, how about that bath?” he asked with a cheeky smile.
I grinned. “I’m right behind you.”
10
Chris
I snuck out of bed before James even had a chance to wake up.
I knew it was our last day together, the snow was melted more than enough for us to get home safely. Though Jake, James’ friend who owned the cabin, had made it very clearly that we could stay as long as we wanted for the trouble.
But we had to get back to the real world. I had a job, and so did James. Unfortunately, we couldn't hide out in our winter wonderland cabin forever.
I knew James was sadder about this than I was. For one, he was clearly worried that all this was going to be over as soon as we stepped back into our regular lives. And I knew that he was really dreading going back to his regularly scheduled life and having to deal with the holidays all by himself.
At first, when we had talked about holiday plans, I had felt bad that James was going to be on his own, but I couldn’t really fathom cancelling my plans with my family in order to stay with him. I mean, I'd known the guy for a few days. We’d entered into an official relationship less than twenty-four hours ago. And my family would miss me.
I’d gladly bring him along, but obviously he’d made it very clear that it would be awkward for him. And I could understand that. What were we going to tell people? “This is my new serious boyfriend that I met last week?” Yeah, that was awkward.
But after spending another day and night with him, I really couldn’t imagine doing anything but canceling my plans with my family.
I knew it was early in our relationship, I knew my family will be disappointed, but I also knew they’d get over it. They'd cope, and they’d spend the holidays with my siblings. And we’d have plenty of holidays to come. I was actually planning to see them sometime in January anyway.
I wasn’t sure how James would cope, though. I couldn’t get his expression when we had been talking about the holidays and his family out of my mind. He was obviously still so heartbroken by his family’s rejection, and the thought of him being alone in dealing with that over Christmas was absolutely breaking me.
So, I snuck off to call my family. I didn’t want to tell him that I was going to stay home and spend the holidays with him until after I talked to my family first. I knew that if it wasn't already a done-deal, James would do everything he could to convince me to still go with my family. But I didn’t want that, I wanted to be there for him.
I dialed my mom, and she answered quickly. I was getting surprisingly good reception for being out in the middle of the mountains.
“Hello?” My mom answered.
“Hey, Mom, its me.”
“Oh, hi sweetie!” she said kindly. “How’s the vacation?”
“It’s good,” I told her. “Actually, it’s been amazing. I’ve never had an experience like it.”
“Oh, good! That makes me so happy. I was really worried you were going to hate it by yourself.”
“Actually, I’m not by myself. But, uh, that’s kind of a long story, and I’ll tell you about it later. Look, I actually called because I have some bad news.”
“Bad news? What is it?” She asked, immediately sounding anxious.
“Don’t worry, nothing serious, I just am not going to be able to come down for Christmas.”
“Aw, Christopher! Why?”
“Again, it’s a long story, but there’s just somebody who needs my help here. And I don’t feel right leaving right now. I’m still going to come up in January, but, yeah, for now, I need to stay here.”
“My sweet, altruistic boy,” she responded, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wanted to convince me out of it or ask more questions.
She wouldn’t, though. She just wasn’t that kind of mother. She always has been the kind of parent to let me make my own decisions with minimal interference.
“We’re really going to miss you, though,” she said, this was as much as she would guilt me.
“I know, I’m going to miss you, too, a lot.”
Before I finished the phone call, I heard a voice come up from behind me.
“Who are you talking to?” James asked, as he walked down the hall.
Oh, shit.
“I gotta go, Mom, I’ll call you when I get back home, though, okay?”
“Okay, babe, make sure you do! I want to know you got back safe. Love you.”
“Love you too, bye.”
I hung up and turned to James.
“Good morning, sleepy head!” I said.
He walked up to me and put his arms around my neck, giving me a tight hug and kissing my cheek.
“I woke up, and you weren’t there. I was scared for a second that this had all been some crazy dream, and you weren’t ever really here.”
“Oh, god,” I laughed, “why are you always expecting the worst, huh?”
“‘Cause I’ve always gotten the worst.” He smiled.
It broke my heart that this was true. And, unfortunately, the fact that he had been burned so much before just radiated off of him. I could see it in the way that he always seemed to worry about every little thing.
“Why were you on the phone with your mom?” he asked.
“Oh, I was just, uh, talking to her about Christmas plans,” I said, telling a slight lie of omission. But I hadn’t thought about how I was going to tell him I was staying for Christmas without coming on too strong.
“Oh,” he nodded, obviously trying to hide his sadness at hearing this. “Well, that’s really nice.”
To cover up, he went to the pantry to grab some cereal for us both for breakfast. Which gave me some time to get the words together in my head.
“I actually… cancelled my plans for Christmas,” I told him, as he came back into the room.
“You did what?” he asked, shocked. “Why? Did something come up with work or something?”
“Well, I guess you could say something came up, but not with work. Just… with you.”
“With me?!” he asked, surprised. “What do you mean?”
“I mean exactly what I said. I cancelled because of you, I want to stay here with you for the holidays.”
“You're kidding! But, Chris, I’d never ask you to do that! You need to go be with your family.”
“No, I don’t.” I took his hand. “James, I meant what I said yesterday. I don’t want to waste time just ‘dating' you. I don’t want to waste time following some made-up rules about how I’m supposed to behave with a man I barely know. I want to be with you for real, I want to be serious. And in my serious relationships, I do everything I can to make my partner happy. I do everything I can to be there for them. That’s what I’m going to do for you, whether you like it or not. I am here to stay. And that starts with being there for you during the hardest time of the year.”
Tears were filling up in his eyes. He wiped them away quickly.
“I, um, I’ve never had anyone… I’ve never had anyone doing something like this for me,” he said softly.
“Well, get used to it, because this is the kind of boyfriend I am.”
He gave a slight smile. “This is really real, isn’t it? This is really happening. We’re going to leave here, and… you’re going to still want to be my boyfriend. We’re still going to go for a relationship.”
“Fuck yeah, we are. You didn’t believe me?!”
“I did. I mean, I believed that you meant the words when you said them, but… but it’s hard for me to not see where things can go wrong. I guess I just saw things still going wrong, that’s all.”
“Well, you’re going to have to stop that all with me. Because I don’t want to lead you to any wrong. I want to be the one who’s different for you. This is real.”
He wrapped his arms as tightly around me as he possibly could, and I could feel the love emanating from him.
“I’m still nervous it could all go wrong,” he told me, “but this really does feel real. This really does feel like the start of something, doesn’t it? It sounds so ridiculous, but I feel like I’ve found my happy ending, finally.”
“It’s not ridiculous, James. I feel the same way. This is different than anything I’ve ever experienced, and… yeah, I think this is the start of something good, too. I really do. I really think I’m going to end up with you one day, James.”
He stared at me, smiled, and then gave me a quick kiss.
“I really hope you’re right. Because you’re everything I never knew I wanted.”
I felt the exact same way.
Epilogue
James
I was sitting on a bench in the bathroom, fiddling nervously with my tie as I looked around bathroom.
As bathrooms go, this was really a very nice one. I mean, obviously it had a bench, so that would be the first clue. Though, I suppose there could be some rickety metal bench in some creepy, run-down gas station bathroom…
But that wasn’t the case here. It was a beautiful pleated red fabric bench. The entire bathroom still smelled of cleaning supplies. It was spotless. And it was filled with beautiful granite tile and fake-stone columns sat in every archway. It was perfect, as far as bathrooms went, and seemed like just as good a place as any to have a nervous breakdown.
I heard the bathroom door open and looked up to see Jake waking in through the door.
“Hey, bud, there you are. Got worried when you were still in here. Is everything okay?”
I shook my head. “No, not particularly,” I told him. No point in lying, he was my best friend, and he’d figure it out eventually.
“Well, what’s wrong?” he asked, as he sat down on the bench next to me.
I sighed. “I don’t know if I can go through with this.”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “What’s wrong? Do you think you’re making the wrong decision here? Because, bro, I can assure you that you’re not. I’ve known you our whole lives, I’ve seen you date a lot of fucking dudes, and nobody even comes close to that man in there! He’s a shining fucking star. He’s perfect for you; this is just cold feet. I even got it when I married Clara.”
I looked at him in total shock. “You think I don’t know that?”
He looked confused. “I mean, well, you’re in here, so I thought maybe there was some level of doubt…”
“Of course, there is no level of doubt! He’s perfect, he’s been an angel to me for years. That man is my everything.”
And I meant every word of it.
It’s been three years to the day since the day I had met Chris in Jake’s cabin. And it had been three years of absolute, complete bliss. I couldn’t imagine a better life with a better man.
After I’d met Chris, it felt like my life had instantly gone from tragic to magic. I’d still never forget the week I got back from the cabin to tons of text messages from my ex. He was begging me to come back, that we could have another shot, that he’d change for me.
And, normally, if I’d been single, I might have considered it. Back then, I might not have been able to convince myself I was worth anything more than that.
But, after I’d met Chris, after I’d known we were leading into a real relationship, it had taken nothing to say goodbye to my useless, piece of shit ex. I had never even texted him back. In fact, I’d looked at those texted and then opened my phone to text Chris.
And, just as I had expected, our relationship had blossomed from there.
It had started exactly as Chris had wanted. We were very serious very fast. He would come over nearly every day after work, and we basically lived our lives like we did when we were in the cabin. We drowned ourselves with one another at every spare moment, until we literally had no extra time to give.
It was so funny that I had once thought going from the cabin to our regular lives was going to change things. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. We may have lived in our own magical world in the cabin, but, frankly, we’d lived in our own magical world in real life too.
And that was kind of the problem.
“The thing is, things have been an absolute dream with Chris. He’s everything I want, everything I have ever fucking wanted, and, so I’m sitting here wondering… what did I do?”
Jake raised an eyebrow. “What did you do?”
“You know, to deserve this? To get to be with a man of
this caliber? I don’t know. All of a sudden, I’m filled with panic, because… my life is too good.”
Jake immediately started laughing. “You’re panicked because your life is too good?!”
I looked at him seriously as he stopped laughing.
“Jake, really, it may sound stupid, but this fear is very real for me. I’ve never had this in my life. When it comes to dating, things have always gone horribly wrong for me. I mean, it’s not even just dating. Whenever anything in my life feels like it’s starting to go in the right direction, something happens to set me totally off course. And I can’t help but be worried that it’s going to happen again. That all this happiness is temporary, and, soon after, something catastrophic is going to happen. And I don’t meant that Chris is going to turn into an asshole or anything, of course I don’t, I love and trust him implicitly… I just feel afraid that I’m going to lose him somehow.”
“Aw, James,” Jake said sympathetically, as he patted my shoulder, “you’ve dealt with a lot of shit, I know that, which is why I know better than anybody that you deserve this. You finally deserve to be happy. And maybe all the bullshit that got you to this place in your life is all the bullshit you’re ever going to deal with. Maybe this truly is your happily ever after.”
“And if it isn’t?” I asked. “If things do all go to shit somehow?”
“I’m not going to tell you nothing is going to go wrong in your life. I don’t know that, nobody does. Life is all about the ups and downs. But no matter what happens next, don’t you want to go through it with that man by your side? Come on, James! This is the happiest day of your life. This is one of the ups, don’t make it a down.”
I took in a deep breath. “You’re right, of course you’re right. I can’t sit here and ruminate on all that possibly could go wrong. I need to go out there and marry that boy.”
