Mother’s hands came down firmly on my shoulders. ‘‘Come on, Ailin,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s time.’’
‘‘Time for what?’’ I asked.
As they dragged me to my room I wondered which of my misdeeds was catching up with me. Talking back in a saucy manner to the teacher in the family school? Putting an earthworm in my amah’s bowl of noodles? Hiding all Eldest Sister’s underclothes just when she was packing her trunks to take them to her future husband’s house?
But instead of scolding me when they reached my room, Mother said in a gentle voice, ‘‘Remember, this is something we all go through. It’s part of growing up.’’
My heart began to beat faster. I wasn’t sure I wanted to grow up. Then I saw the strips of white cloth folded neatly on my bed, and I guessed what was going to happen. ‘‘No, no!’’ I cried. ‘‘I don’t want my feet bound!’’
‘‘It doesn’t hurt,’’ said Mother, still speaking gently. ‘‘All we’re going to do is wrap your feet in the cloths. There’ll be no cutting or breaking. I promise!’’
I didn’t believe her and continued to struggle. ‘‘Yes, you will! You’ll have to break my feet to make the toes go under!’’
Mother’s face became rigid. ‘‘Who said your feet will be broken? The toes will be bent gradually, a bit at a time. We’ll do it so slowly that you’ll hardly feel it.’’
‘‘It hurts! It hurts! I know it hurts!’’ I screamed. ‘‘I saw Second Sister’s feet! You can’t fool me!’’
With a sudden jerk I managed to break free from the maids and run out of the room. This time I had a head start. I could run much faster than the others, since my feet were free. Through a series of moon gates I ran, weaving my way among the porcelain planters, sweet-olive bushes, and pomegranate trees. I knew a thousand hiding places that the grown-ups didn’t. I could live on pomegranate seeds for days, weeks, months, if I had to.
The voices of my amah and the maids grew fainter. I stepped behind a planter and crouched, panting. What should I do next? Maybe I could get help from one of my cousins, Big Uncle’s sons. They were boys and didn’t have bound feet, so they could understand why I wanted freedom.
On the other hand, they might not want to help me. They were slow and lazy. All too often I enjoyed making fun of them by imitating their stumbling recitations and watching their faces turn purple, just as Big Uncle’s face did. The two boys would be the first to betray me to the grown-ups.
Time passed. I heard the voices of the searchers pass close, but I kept completely still. I had learned by watching how sparrows kept still when a cat was near. More time passed.
Then something happened that I hadn’t expected. I felt a growing pressure down below. I needed to pee! It would be easy enough to pull down my pants and do it right on the ground. But I remembered how Little Brother went around with a slit in the back of his pants and peed whenever he felt like it. A servant always came up afterward to turn the dirt, since there would be a bad smell otherwise. If I did it here behind the planter, the smell would give me away.
I began to change my hiding places, and after a while I found myself close to the compound where my parents and sisters had their rooms.
I heard voices. One was Mother’s, raised in anger. ‘‘Why did you do it? Why did you show her your feet?’’
There was the sharp crack of a slap. Finally Second Sister’s voice said softly, ‘‘She had to learn the truth. It’s more honest. I know Ailin, and I know that you can’t fool her. If you tried to trick her, she would never respect you again.’’
‘‘Respect!’’ cried Mother’s voice. ‘‘Children owe respect to their parents! We don’t have to earn it!’’
‘‘But you can lose it,’’ said Second Sister.
Another slap. I peeked out from behind the bush and saw Mother grabbing Second Sister by the hair with one hand and slapping her with the other.
I couldn’t stand it any longer. ‘‘Stop!’’ I cried, dashing out from my hiding place and rushing toward Mother. ‘‘It’s not Second Sister’s fault!’’
Mother froze. She dropped her arms and slowly turned. The angry red faded from her face as she looked at me.
Expecting a rain of slaps to fall on me, I covered my cheeks. But Mother only stared at me. For a long moment the three of us stood motionless. I looked at Mother’s stony face, and at Second Sister’s red, swollen cheeks. A great big lump of charcoal seemed to be stuck in my throat.
Mother finally broke the silence. ‘‘How can we find a decent husband for you if you refuse to have your feet bound?’’ she whispered. Instead of slapping me, she suddenly gathered me in her arms and held me close. ‘‘My poor little girl, you’re beautiful, and you’re clever. But you are too headstrong. Someday you will have to pay a price for that.’’
For a while there was no more talk of foot binding. The grown-ups were completely preoccupied with something that was happening outside our home. I heard the word revolution used many times, but when I asked what it meant, Mother only shook her head. ‘‘You’re too young to understand, Ailin.’’
My cousins in the family school told wild stories, although they didn’t really know more than I did about what was happening. ‘‘Revolution means that everything is turned upside down!’’ said one cousin. ‘‘So high officials become servants, and beggars become governors.’’
‘‘Does that mean students become teachers, then?’’ asked the other cousin.
‘‘You’ll have a chance to find out,’’ I told him. ‘‘Because here comes our teacher.’’
My cousins scurried back to their seats and tried to look studious. But if the teacher had overheard our talk, he didn’t give any sign. He was very distracted, and after a few scattered comments about our work, he suddenly announced that class was dismissed for the day.
Openmouthed, we stared at him as he dashed out the door and hurried through the courtyard. We never saw him again. Eventually Grandfather hired a new teacher. It wasn’t until months later that I learned from Father that our teacher had been connected with the revolutionaries, and he had left Nanjing and joined some comrades in the north.
That was the closest that our family ever came to meeting an actual revolutionary. Most of the time we just tried hard to lead our normal life.
At first some of the servants refused to go out and buy food. ‘‘It’s not safe!’’ cried the servant girl who usually shopped for vegetables. ‘‘The government soldiers have fled, and nobody knows who is in charge.’’
Grandmother gave the girl a good scolding. ‘‘Stop that foolishness! Everybody still has to eat, and you’ll find the market open as usual.’’
The girl reluctantly went to the market, and reported that things were quiet. ‘‘I wasn’t scared at all!’’ she said, pleased by the attention she was getting from the rest of the household.
‘‘When will you be able to go back to work?’’ Mother asked Father.
Father was usually at work in the customs office by the time I finished eating my breakfast, but for the past few days he had been staying home, talking quietly with Big Uncle or Grandfather. ‘‘There are few reports of looting,’’ he said. ‘‘From what I’ve heard, the rebels are setting up a new government and establishing law and order. It seems that they are not all bandits or hoodlums. If things continue like this, I may be able to go back to work quite soon.’’
‘‘What has happened to the emperor and his family?’’ asked Second Sister.
‘‘The rumor is that they’ve fled from the capital,’’ said Father. ‘‘I’ve heard reports that they’ll seek refuge in Japan.’’
‘‘Maybe one of the rebels will establish a new dynasty and make himself emperor,’’ said Mother.
‘‘There is talk that some of the rebels want to do away with the empire altogether and establish a republic,’’ said Father.
‘‘What’s a republic?’’ I asked.
‘‘Little children shouldn’t ask stupid questions,’’ said Mot
her, frowning at me.
Father smiled. ‘‘No, let her ask. In fact I’m not sure myself what the answer is to Ailin’s question. A republic, as far as I know, is a state governed by the will of the people.’’
The answer didn’t make things any clearer to me. The will of what people? People like us, or people like our servants?
‘‘It seems strange not to have an emperor,’’ murmured Second Sister. ‘‘For more than two thousand years our country has always had an emperor.’’
‘‘Things can change,’’ said Father. He glanced at Little Brother, who was sitting on Mother’s lap, playing with her jade bracelet. ‘‘My son, you may grow up in a country without an emperor,’’ he crooned, reaching over and tickling Little Brother under the chin.
I hoped Father was right. If things changed, maybe girls wouldn’t have to have their feet bound any longer. I was all in favor of the Revolution, whatever it was.
With all the excitement over the Revolution, I thought Mother had forgotten about foot binding. I began to breathe more easily.
But my relief was premature. A summons came from Grandmother, and this time I had to go alone. This time there were no moon cakes, no company to greet.
‘‘What’s this I hear about not wanting your feet bound?’’ demanded Grandmother. Instead of giving me her usual indulgent smile, she fixed me with a stern look. Even the wrinkles around her eyes, which had always been laughter lines, now looked like cruel slashes.
I was facing a stranger. This was not the kindly grandmother who always took my side when I was in trouble. There would be no refuge for me in Grandmother’s room if I wanted to run from my pursuers. I swallowed a few times. ‘‘I want to be able to walk freely. I don’t want to hobble around.’’
‘‘You want this and you don’t want that!’’ cried Grandmother. ‘‘What you want and what you don’t want make no difference! You don’t give orders here, little girl! You take orders!’’
I had never been afraid of Grandmother before. I took a deep breath and tried to blink back the tears that threatened to spill out. I bit my lips to prevent them from trembling. ‘‘Father said that things are changing because of the Revolution.’’
‘‘Revolution!’’ cried Grandmother. ‘‘What does that have to do with anything? People still have to live, to marry, and to bear children! Your father thinks things will change. Perhaps they will. But men will always be men, and women will always be women. Some things never change!’’
When I looked up at Grandmother’s face again, her eyes were softer. ‘‘Ailin, you’ve already met your future husband, Hanwei.’’
When I nodded Grandmother went on. ‘‘You liked him, didn’t you?’’
I pictured Hanwei’s raised eyebrows and look of surprise. I remembered the earnest way he tried to teach me English. ‘‘He’s all right,’’ I admitted. ‘‘Anyway, he’s a lot better than my cousins.’’
Suddenly Grandmother smiled and looked like herself again. ‘‘You can do worse—much worse. Mrs. Liu told me that Hanwei liked you, too. It will be a good match, and you will be happy when you become a member of the Liu family. You can come home as often as you like because the Lius have been friends of our family for generations, and we see a lot of one another.’’ Then her face hardened again. ‘‘But there will be no marriage unless your feet are bound! The Lius have very high standards, and they will not accept a daughter-in-law with feet like a peasant’s!’’
I opened my mouth, but Grandmother waved me away. ‘‘Don’t bother me with excuses. I’ll tell your mother I’ve spoken to you.’’
That night Mother and the maids brought the strips of cloth again, and this time I didn’t try to run away. I sat quietly on the bed while they bound the strips tightly around my toes, bending all except the big toes against the soles of my feet. It was uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel as bad as I had expected. Maybe Mother had told the truth after all. Foot binding was just something we women had to bear if we wanted to marry decently.
I changed my mind when I tried to get up from bed after the wrapping. Putting weight on my bound feet sent sharp stabs of pain into my bent toes, and the pain went shooting all the way up my legs.
‘‘What are you doing?’’ said my amah. ‘‘You’re not supposed to get up for several weeks!’’
‘‘What do you mean?’’ I demanded. ‘‘Why can’t I get up? I’m not sick!’’
Mother hurried over. ‘‘Of course it will hurt when you try to walk now, Ailin. You have to put weight on your feet very gradually. You need patience to learn how to walk on bound feet.’’
The phrase learn how to walk on bound feet was what struck me the hardest. I suddenly realized that I would never walk naturally again. I would never run laughing through the moon gates of our courtyards and hide from my cousins and the servants. For the rest of my life I would be hobbling around!
A wave of fury swept over me, and I began tearing at the cloths around my feet.
My amah rushed over, joined by two of the maids. They tried to hold me down, but I just thrashed and screamed more and more loudly.
‘‘We may have to tie her down,’’ said one of the maids finally.
‘‘But we can’t tie her down for weeks and weeks,’’ objected Mother.
‘‘She’ll tear off the cloth strips when we’re not looking,’’ said my amah. ‘‘I will have to watch her the whole time, day and night.’’
The thought of being continuously under the amah’s eyes drove me into a frenzy. I screamed and struggled even more wildly. I bit down hard on someone’s hand, and I didn’t care whose it was.
‘‘What is happening here?’’ said a male voice.
Father was standing at the door. The women around my bed quickly released their hands and stepped back. He walked into the room, looked down at me, and then turned to look at Mother. For a long, long time the two of them stared at each other.
Finally Father broke the silence. ‘‘Ailin doesn’t have to have her feet bound if she doesn’t want it.’’
‘‘She’s too young to understand the consequences,’’ said Mother.
‘‘But I understand the consequences,’’ said Father. ‘‘Let her run free if that’s what she wants.’’
I didn’t understand the exchange between my parents. What did they mean by consequences?
In the months that followed, nothing bad seemed to be happening to me after all. Even Grandmother didn’t try to scold me, although she shook her head a few times when she saw me, and sighed. That didn’t bother me. I really thought my life would go on as before.
But I was wrong. The announcement came four months after it was definitely decided that my feet would not be bound. Mother stared bitterly at me as we were sitting down to dinner. ‘‘Mrs. Liu called the matchmaker today to say that her family wants to break off your engagement with Hanwei. I told you this would happen!’’
Second Sister reached for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, but her eyes were troubled. Although Father said nothing, I knew he was worried about my future, too.
Mother was the one who lamented loudly and frequently. ‘‘I suppose Ailin can become a nun,’’ she said. ‘‘That’s one respectable livelihood open to an unmarried woman. Of course, with her agility, she can always become an acrobat and street entertainer!’’
‘‘Be quiet!’’ said Father. He seldom spoke harshly to anyone. For him to use this tone with Mother— and in front of the children—meant he was greatly disturbed.
I didn’t see why Father was so shocked at Mother’s suggestion. I’d always wanted to run around freely in the streets, and it would be fun to entertain people. I peeked at Mother and saw that she was biting her lips, trying not to weep.
Father took a deep breath and spoke more gently. ‘‘We cannot expect our old customs to remain forever—even customs that have prevailed for a thousand years. I will think of a plan. There must be something to do for a girl with unbound feet.’’
CHAPTER FOUR
Nothing was decided about my future for more than four years. Although my engagement with Hanwei was broken, we couldn’t completely avoid meeting the Lius, since our social circle was a small one.
The city had quieted down, and it had become safe again for family outings. One favorite treat was boating on Lake Xuanwu on the outskirts of Nanjing. The lake had several pretty islands, as well as arched stone bridges that connected them. We rented a boat, our cook prepared a delicious picnic, and our family spent a lovely afternoon on the lake.
Near one of the islands we approached another boat. A familiar face peeked out between the curtains of the other vessel, and I recognized the high eyebrows of Liu Hanwei. When Hanwei saw me, he grinned and pulled his head back inside. Seconds later Mrs. Liu leaned out and greeted us.
By now I was old enough to realize that this was an embarrassing situation. But Mother and Mrs. Liu simply exchanged a few remarks about Second Sister’s coming marriage, and after a few more polite words the two boats separated. Hanwei waved as his boat pulled away.
I waited for Mother to reproach me again about my broken engagement, but she had apparently decided it was a dead subject. These days the grown-ups had too many other things to think about.
The world was changing so much that even inside the walls of our compound we couldn’t help hearing things. I was fascinated by descriptions of smoke-belching ships that came up the Yangtze River as far as Nanjing, and even beyond. I also heard about ‘‘iron roads,’’ which were twin metal rails on which boxes on wheels could be pulled great distances by ‘‘fire cars’’ burning wood or coal.
Father and Big Uncle talked a great deal about the republic, our new government, and whether it would last. ‘‘I’ve heard rumors that Yuan Shikai might make himself emperor and start a new dynasty,’’ said Father.
Big Uncle was all in favor of a new dynasty. ‘‘That would be an improvement over this wishywashy republic we’ve got. With an emperor, we might get some stability at last. Our country needs a firm leader in control.’’
Ties That Bind, Ties That Break Page 3
