Ties That Bind, Ties That Break

by Lensey Namioka

  When the mourning period ended, my sisters returned home to their husbands, and I took off my white mourning robe. That very afternoon I was summoned to Big Uncle’s rooms.

  Big Uncle’s two wives were in the reception room. They spoke to me in soft, kind voices, but they did not meet my eyes. After they had served tea and put out some candied peanuts, they quickly retreated to an inner room.

  Big Uncle wasted no time. ‘‘You will not be returning to school,’’ he said.

  My heart was beating fast, but I tried to hide my fear. ‘‘Why not?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Because I say so!’’ snapped Big Uncle.

  I managed to make my lips smile. ‘‘I used to say that!’’ After a moment I added, ‘‘When I was much younger, of course.’’

  Big Uncle’s eyes bulged, but otherwise he kept his face impassive. ‘‘Since you always eavesdrop on adult conversations, you must know that we have to cut down on unnecessary expenses. The tuition for your school is an unnecessary expense.’’

  ‘‘The tuition has already been paid for this term,’’ I said. ‘‘Therefore it would be a waste of money for me to stop school. You said yourself that we should not be wasteful.’’

  ‘‘This insolence is the result of your going to a foreign school!’’ cried Big Uncle.

  I blinked hard to prevent my tears from falling. ‘‘Father wanted me to go to this school. He died only a week ago. Are you planning to go against his wishes already?’’

  Big Uncle no longer tried to hide his fury. ‘‘Do you know that I am the head of the Tao family and that I have the right to order you to be strangled and your body thrown down a well?’’

  I felt I was choking, and my legs threatened to buckle under me. ‘‘No, under our new government you don’t have that right any longer. It is now illegal for you to put a family member to death. If you do, you will be arrested as a criminal.’’

  Big Uncle’s face turned a dark red, and for a moment I was certain he was going to raise his hand and strike me. That was still legal under the new laws.

  As Big Uncle struggled for breath, I heard a rustle behind me. Big Uncle’s first wife beckoned. ‘‘You’d better come into my room and sit with me for a while. It’s not safe for you when he’s like that.’’

  I knew she was right. Following her, I thought this was the bravest thing this slender, browbeaten woman had ever done.

  Big Uncle did not try to stop me from returning to school for the remaining two months of the term. I counted each precious day, determined to make the most of the time left to me. I studied as I had never done before.

  I told Xueyan about the situation at home, and she spread the news to the other students. Soon even the teachers heard about my uncle’s decision to discontinue my schooling.

  Miss Gilbertson spoke to me after the classes were over one day. ‘‘Eileen, you’re the best student I’ve ever had in my English class. You have a very good ear, and your pronunciation is almost perfect. All you need is a bigger vocabulary. I know you won’t be able to return to school next year, but I’m willing to give you free tutoring at my home. I can’t bear to see this talent for languages being wasted.’’

  At Miss Gilbertson’s kindness I broke down and wept, something I hadn’t done under Big Uncle’s attacks. It was not the easy, melodious wailing I had participated in at funerals, but a painful sobbing that scraped my throat. Finally I hiccuped to a stop and tried to wipe my streaming face with the sleeve of my blue cotton coverall.

  ‘‘Here, use this,’’ said Miss Gilbertson gruffly, offering me a handkerchief. When I finished wiping my face and tried to return the sodden ball of linen, Miss Gilbertson smiled and shook her head. ‘‘You can keep the handkerchief, Eileen.’’

  The handkerchief, embroidered with the name Frances Gilbertson, remains among my most precious belongings to this day.

  Not all the teachers were as sympathetic as Miss Gilbertson. I think Miss Scott regarded me and Xueyan as her two troublemakers. She sounded almost glad that at least one of them was not returning. ‘‘Well, you must do whatever your guardian wishes,’’ she said to me, pursing her lips. ‘‘He must have your future all planned.’’

  Big Uncle’s plans for my future worried me more than anything else. It was impossible to guess what he had in mind, since he seemed to avoid me at home as much as I avoided him. I tried to get information from Mother, but every time I brought up the subject of Big Uncle’s intentions, her eyes would fill with tears.

  As the term approached its end, the girls who were graduating began making sentimental farewells. Some of them coyly hinted that marriages were being arranged for them by their families.

  I felt a pang every time marriage plans were mentioned. ‘‘Don’t pay any attention to them,’’ said Xueyan. ‘‘Those girls are empty-headed fools who think their whole world begins and ends with getting a husband.’’

  ‘‘It’s not envy I feel,’’ I said. ‘‘It’s fear. I have no idea what sort of husband my uncle has in mind for me.’’

  Xueyan gave me a sidelong glance. ‘‘What about that boy we saw last year, the one who used to be your fiancé? What was his name again?’’

  ‘‘Liu Hanwei,’’ I muttered. ‘‘I don’t think about him anymore. He’s out of my life.’’

  ‘‘Well, I don’t plan to get married at all!’’ declared Xueyan. ‘‘I plan to be a doctor and support myself with my own earnings.’’

  Looking at my friend’s determined face, I decided that Xueyan might be able to do just that. Of course, her family had already promised that they would pay for medical school once Xueyan graduated from MacIntosh.

  As for my hope of becoming an English teacher, it looked like an impossible dream. In one more week I would be finished with schooling for the rest of my life.

  On the last day of school there was a general assembly at which good-byes were said for the year, or forever. Listening to the speeches by the outstanding students of the graduating class, I realized that I would never be one of these girls onstage, looking tearful, joyous, and proud.

  What saved the day for me was a whispered message from Miss Gilbertson. ‘‘Don’t forget, Eileen: Beginning next week, I’ll expect you at my house for tutoring.’’

  The end of the school year was the beginning of the hot, humid summer. Nanjing, called one of the Three Ovens of China, became a city of hazy lethargy. Even the beggars were quiet as they languidly held out their begging bowls to passersby.

  At home nobody seemed to notice when I slipped out the front gate early each morning and rode away in a rickshaw sent by Miss Gilbertson. I had told Mother about the tutoring. She shook her head hopelessly but made no objections. At least she was reassured by the rickshaw. Her daughter wouldn’t have to walk through the streets like a servant girl, an entertainer, or a peasant.

  I wasn’t sure whether Big Uncle knew of the tutoring. He probably suspected, but he did nothing to stop it.

  At the beginning of the first tutoring session, I tried to express my gratitude toward Miss Gilbertson. ‘‘Someday I’ll find a way to repay you!’’

  ‘‘I’m doing this for my own satisfaction, so we’ll skip all this politeness,’’ Miss Gilbertson said briskly. ‘‘I don’t have time to waste, and neither do you.’’

  She got down to business and opened her book. I found myself working harder than I had ever done before. There were no slower students to hold us back, and as soon as I had mastered one section, Miss Gilbertson moved on quickly to the next one.

  The heat was terrible. One day I saw perspiration dripping down Miss Gilbertson’s nose and splashing onto the desk. I laughed when I realized that the same thing was happening with me. We were both intoxicated: she by the joy of teaching and I by the joy of learning.

  After a few weeks Miss Gilbertson and I began speaking entirely in English. One day our lesson was interrupted by voices in the hall. I heard someone saying in English, ‘‘I didn’t know Frances was taking on private pupils.’’ />
  Miss Gilbertson looked up. ‘‘I’m afraid we’ll have to stop for the day, Eileen. An old friend of mine has come to visit.’’

  She got up quickly and went to the door. ‘‘Imogene! Come in! Let me introduce my prize pupil from the MacIntosh School.’’

  A tall, blond woman came into the room. I rose and shook hands with the newcomer, as I had been taught. ‘‘This is Eileen Tao,’’ said Miss Gilbertson. ‘‘And this is Imogene Warner. The Warners are old friends who have just arrived in Nanjing from Shanghai.’’

  This was how I first met a member of the Warner family. I learned later from Miss Gilbertson that Mr. and Mrs. Warner were both missionaries, and that they had lived in Shanghai for almost six years before being transferred to Nanjing. They had two children. Grace was six years old. Billy, who was five, had been born in China. Like other missionaries, however, they had ‘‘furloughs,’’ time off from work, when they could go back to their homes. The Warners’ home was in San Francisco, a large city on the West Coast of the United States.

  All these things I learned and stored away in my memory, although at the time I didn’t know how important they would be to me.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Big Uncle made his move on an evening in late summer, when the first cool breezes began to blow through the courtyards. I sat outside with Mother and Little Brother. I was trying to teach him an English song about some mice who were blind. The maids were giggling, and even Mother wore a happy smile. Little Brother laughed so hard that he slipped from his stool and lay on his back, waving his legs in the air.

  Suddenly the maids became silent, and I saw Mother’s smile fade. One of Big Uncle’s maids was coming through the round moon gate. ‘‘Miss Three, the master would like to see you.’’

  ‘‘I’ll come with you, Ailin,’’ said Mother, her voice trembling.

  ‘‘The master said Miss Three is to come alone,’’ said the maid.

  I looked at the expression on Mother’s face. ‘‘Has he made a decision about my future?’’

  Mother put her arms around me. ‘‘He has been approached by a matchmaker.’’ She swallowed hard. ‘‘Since your father’s death, Ailin, Big Uncle is the one who will be deciding your future. Please don’t make him angry.’’

  The maid coughed. ‘‘The master is waiting.’’

  I pulled myself gently from Mother’s arms. ‘‘I’d better go before Big Uncle gets even angrier with me.’’

  Big Uncle was seated in his front room, sipping a cup of tea. He motioned me to a stool opposite him. As usual, he did not waste time in coming to the point. ‘‘We cannot support indefinitely a female who contributes nothing to the family.’’

  I wanted to point out that if he had allowed me to continue school, I could have become a teacher and contributed my salary to the family. But I knew it would be useless.

  ‘‘As you know,’’ continued Big Uncle, ‘‘the Lius have broken off your engagement to Hanwei.’’

  I certainly didn’t need a reminder of that fact, since it had been a recurring topic in my family. Besides, it had happened years before. ‘‘Mother said you had heard from a matchmaker,’’ I said.

  ‘‘If you will stop interrupting, I can explain.’’ Big Uncle took a sip of tea and studied the pattern of his eggshell porcelain cup. Suddenly I realized he was uncomfortable. That only increased my foreboding.

  Big Uncle cleared his throat. ‘‘The second son in the Feng family wants another woman for his chamber. He already has two wives, but they’ve produced only girls, and the family isn’t ready to contract for another wife. Therefore, they decided on a concubine for him.’’

  I felt hot blood rush into my face. A concubine was little better than a slave, since she was brought into the household without any contract or exchange of gifts between her family and the man’s family. She did not have the rights or standing of a wife, even a secondary wife. ‘‘If you do this to me, you will disgrace the whole Tao family!’’

  ‘‘You’re the last person to talk about disgracing the Tao family!’’ cried Big Uncle. ‘‘By refusing to have your feet bound, you’ve made it impossible for us to arrange a decent marriage for you!’’

  ‘‘There are other things I can do! I don’t have to descend to being a concubine!’’

  ‘‘What, for instance?’’ demanded Big Uncle. ‘‘Are you thinking of marrying a farmer? Farm women can have big feet, since they toil in the fields. Some of our tenant farmers could use a hard-working wife.’’

  I suddenly remembered my amah. I hadn’t thought of that pathetic little woman in years. Now I wondered what had happened to her. ‘‘I can become an amah,’’ I declared. ‘‘My old amah took the job because her family was too poor to support her.’’

  Big Uncle banged his teacup down so hard that it cracked and the tea spilled over the rosewood table. For several minutes the only sound in the room was the tea falling drip, drip, drip to the floor. Then Big Uncle said slowly, ‘‘You can become one of three things: a nun, a farmer’s wife, or a concubine of the Feng family. The choice is yours.’’

  For several days Big Uncle said nothing more about the offer from the Feng family. But I knew better than to relax. Who could protect me? I had no money, not a copper. With Father gone, we had no income other than what Big Uncle saw fit to give us. Mother had some jewelry she could sell, but that would be needed to educate Little Brother.

  It was so unfair! Any money we had was used for educating the boys in the family, but money spent on girls was considered wasted. I thought of Big Uncle’s sons. After they had finished the family schools, expensive tutors had been hired to continue their education. And what was the result? One son worked as a clerk in the customs office, but he was so sloppy and incompetent that even family connections couldn’t get him the promotion he wanted.

  My two sisters had no education beyond the family schools, and they faced the closed life of an upper-class wife. Second Sister’s status was higher than that of a secondary wife or concubine, but with a cold, harsh mother-in-law, her life would be no happier.

  In my case, I had had an unusually indulgent grandmother and loving father. Some would even say that they had spoiled me—and spoiled me for normal life. Without education, what was left for me to do?

  Could my friend Zhang Xueyan do anything to help? Although I hadn’t seen Xueyan since the end of the school term, I knew where the Zhangs lived. If Big Uncle tried to do something really outrageous, I could send a message to my friend and make sure the Zhangs knew about it. They were a wealthy and influential family, and their opinion counted.

  The trouble was that even if Xueyan’s family openly criticized Big Uncle, they could do nothing legally to stop him. Besides, I had no way of knowing whether Xueyan’s parents would side with me.

  Traditionally the strongest weapon that a Chinese woman had was suicide. Time after time women who had been deeply wronged killed themselves. Even when the wrong had been concealed from outsiders, the angry ghost of the dead woman would haunt the perpetrator. But I refused to consider suicide. I didn’t have complete confidence that my angry ghost would come back to haunt Big Uncle.

  I was left with one idea: working as an amah and looking after other people’s children. When I mentioned the possibility to Mother, however, she sighed. ‘‘Ailin, you must be well bred to work as an amah in a decent family. The children are supposed to copy your manners and behavior.’’

  ‘‘I am well bred! I’m still Miss Tao! Nothing can change that!’’

  Mother shook her head with a mixture of sadness and amusement. ‘‘You show no respect to your elders. You talk too much. Worst of all, Ailin, you have big feet.’’

  ‘‘Having big feet disqualifies me as an amah?’’ I couldn’t believe people could be that stupid. ‘‘You’d think parents would want an amah who could run after the children and catch them. Mine was always hobbling after me and whining. That’s why I always got away from her!’’

  ‘‘If people hear yo
u talk about running away from your amah,’’ said Mother, ‘‘they certainly will not want you to look after their children.’’

  Miss Gilbertson was a friend, but what could she do to help? She was not a relative, and she was a foreigner.

  One day, as the summer drew to a close and the opening of school approached, Miss Gilbertson said, ‘‘Eileen, I’m afraid we’ll have to stop these tutoring sessions soon. Once I go back to teaching, I won’t have any free time left.’’

  I tried to answer cheerfully, but my lips were trembling, and for once my English deserted me completely.

  ‘‘What’s the matter?’’ asked Miss Gilbertson. ‘‘I’m not saying good-bye forever! We can still keep in touch.’’

  ‘‘No, we can’t,’’ I said. Then it all poured out. I told Miss Gilbertson about the three choices given me by Big Uncle: to become a concubine, a nun, or the wife of a tenant farmer. ‘‘Of the three, I prefer to marry a farmer and plod around the rice paddies on my big feet. Maybe I can speak English to the water buffalo.’’

  Miss Gilbertson looked shocked. ‘‘Are these the only choices open to a respectable young woman?’’

  ‘‘My uncle doesn’t think I’m respectable. I thought of becoming an amah, but my mother says upper-class parents prefer to have someone with bound feet.’’

  ‘‘Wait, I’ve just thought of something,’’ said Miss Gilbertson. ‘‘You enjoy looking after children?’’

  ‘‘I’m very good with my younger brother,’’ I said proudly. The expression on Miss Gilbertson’s face gave me hope. ‘‘Do you know of someone who wants an amah? One with big feet?’’

  ‘‘My friends, the Warners, want someone to take care of their two children,’’ Miss Gilbertson said slowly. ‘‘They have a Chinese amah at the moment, but the children don’t pay any attention to her and are running completely wild. Imogene Warner said she would give anything to have an amah who speaks English.’’