It never arrived, and so I wandered to our bedroom, hoping a good night’s rest would refresh us both. From my vantage point in the hallway, I could see Allison sitting on her corner of the mattress closest to the door. I only got one foot across the threshold of the master bedroom before she stopped me.
“I don’t want you in here tonight,” she said.
“Allison—” I began my apology, but she cut me off.
“I mean it, Jack. I’m furious.”
“You don’t sound furious.” I said this with frank curiosity, because it was the truth. I’d never seen her so calm during an argument.
“Well, I am. And not just about today.”
“No?”
She shook her head. dropping her eyes to the carpet. “I’m angry about every day I’ve known you.”
I had no counter for her statement. We both knew she was being honest. My silence must have surprised her because she lifted her head and met my gaze as she rose from the bed.
“I gave up everything I had to make this marriage work. You can’t even give me one afternoon.”
I was chagrined and sulking. “I didn’t miss the appointment on purpose.”
“I don’t care why you missed it. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to remember it in the first place.”
Allison paced the room while I continued to stand halfway in and halfway out the bedroom door.
“I’ve left everything behind since I married you,” she reiterated. “My career. My own family. My friends. Everything. I left it all to move across the country to a place I don’t even know. And you know what, Jack?”
“What?”
“The more you force me to examine my life and ask myself why I’ve done such crazy things, the more I realize I only did it for Heide. Not for me. Not for you. And certainly not for this pathetic marriage we’ve managed to trap ourselves in.”
I thrust my hands into my pockets and shifted in place. She’d told me not to enter the bedroom, but I knew walking away from her wasn’t the answer, either. “I have my faults,” I concurred. “I’ve caused a lot of damage over the years. You deserve better than me.”
Allison stopped marching and sat back down on the mattress. She rested her elbows on her knees and dropped her face into the palms of her hands, but she didn’t cry. The silence dragged on, with only the sound of our anxious breathing filling the room. I had to remind myself we were fighting, because this argument was unlike any I’d had with Allison.
She resumed the conversation, albeit with her face still buried in her hands. “I’m so exhausted. Aren’t you tired of this life?”
“I don’t want to give up.”
Allison chortled, causing me to wince. “That I know all too well. But at the same time, you don’t want to change.”
I straightened my posture in defiance. “I don’t think that’s a fair statement.”
“No?”
“I’m not foolish enough to claim I haven’t made mistakes. But Heide and you are my family.”
“You’re a decent man. But you have never been the husband I dreamed about.”
“I know that. I’m sorry.”
“We aren’t right for each other.”
“I can do better,” I protested, but even I heard the halfhearted nature of its delivery.
Allison’s head whipped up and she cast me a scornful look.
“Please,” she implored me. “Do us a favor and stop trying to convince yourself to save face. We both need to accept that this marriage is one long mistake.”
Allison’s choice of words stung. “How can you ask that?” I demanded in a pained tone. “Nothing where Heide is concerned will ever be a mistake to me.”
She blinked hard at my rebuttal and lifted a finger to wipe a stray tear from her eye. “That’s not what I meant. Heide is the light of my life and yours. You love her with your whole heart.”
“I do.”
Allison nodded with a sorrowful expression. “So do I. But truthfully, Jack. When was the last time you told me you loved me? I want you to think about when you last said the words to me. More importantly, when was the last time you told yourself that you loved me?”
It was a poignant question. And one I had no response for. The moments dragged as I tried to recall a recent declaration, and Allison was merciful when she could have exploded. It was an extraordinary moment.
“That’s why I can’t sleep next to you right now. We both have a lot of thinking to do.”
Defeated, I gestured to the pillows on my side of the bed and stepped into the room to retrieve one. “I’ll grab a blanket from Heide’s room,” I mumbled.
Allison held still, not even turning her head to watch me.
Within a few minutes I’d stretched out on the living room sofa, but sleep eluded me over that long night.
The next morning, Allison exited her room at her regular time. She found me sitting on the couch because I’d long since given up trying to rest. At her appearance, I stood up and made my way into the kitchen.
The calm between us was still intact as I brewed a pot of coffee. It was only after we each had our own cup in hand that we resumed our conversation.
“I need more time to think,” she began. “Everything that happens from this point on has to be strongly considered. For Heide’s sake.”
“All right,” I agreed. “What do you need from me?”
“I called my sister. I asked if I could go visit her for a couple of weeks.”
“Back to Baltimore?”
Allison nodded but refused to look at me.
“Okay,” I breathed out. “What about Heide?”
The mention of our daughter’s name brought an immediate tear to Allison’s eye. She wiped it away. “She just started school. She’s settling in here. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll only be gone a few weeks. I need the space to clear my head. It wouldn’t be fun for her. She’s better off staying here.”
“I can take care of her.”
“I know. You two will be fine. If I had to leave her with anyone else, I wouldn’t consider doing this.” Satisfied, she rose from the kitchen table to make her way back to the bedroom.
I stood and followed her from a cautious distance. “Allison?”
She turned to face me, her exhaustion on full display.
“When you come back, there will be no more fuck-ups. I mean it.”
I recognized her familiar expression of reserved disappointment as it took hold. She’d heard me say similar words many times over the years. I was forcing her to consider them once again and that was when I saw something different—a newfound determination. I believed in my own words, but Allison was no longer interested in holding me accountable to such delusions of grandeur.
I could see it. She was beginning the slow, painful process of our separation and she didn’t want to entertain any ideas that might convince her that returning to Maryland wasn’t the best alternative for her well-being.
She’d made up her mind. She was leaving. And soon.
ALLISON WAS gone.
Five days earlier, we’d attended my official welcome party at Aurora Advertising. I encouraged more conversation during the long weekend before she left. Allison held her ground. She wouldn’t commit to staying in the marriage, but she hadn’t declared that our reconciliation was impossible. She’d left for Maryland on Monday morning with a promise to come back with a plan. She’d left me with just enough hope to keep the peace between us.
I stood in the middle of the living room, alone. I wondered how to go on with the rest of my life, but the answers were evasive. After a few minutes, the silence in both my house and my mind was more than I could handle.
I went to work and attended the firm’s weekly staff meeting. I fielded congratulations from coworkers and clients alike on the success of the reception. The night was a professional triumph, but a personal failure. Feigning enthusiasm for the team wa
s an overwhelming task, but I managed to get through the day without drawing any unwanted attention to my growing anxiety.
Allison and Heide were never far from my thoughts. My marriage was on the line, and I was adamant that no one at work knew this. I wasn’t going to utter a word about our family troubles while I still harbored optimism that my relationship with Allison could be salvaged.
With each passing minute, Allison was moving farther away from us both. As the day progressed, I grew more apprehensive to see my daughter. I wondered how their farewell had gone that morning. Had Heide been upset? Had she watched her mother’s car as it drove out of sight? Was she as distracted at school as I was at work?
I returned home that evening, aware that Allison’s plane was about to touch down in Baltimore. Was she relieved to be back in Maryland? Was she feeling secure in her decision to leave Heide in my care? Was she thinking about me as much as I was thinking about her? Was she going to share the secret of our failing marriage with her family?
Heide’s sitter brought her home soon after I texted my arrival. I invited Lydia and her daughter inside for a few minutes to chat and finalize our babysitting plans for the rest of the week. While the two girls ran off to Heide’s room for a few more minutes of play, I thanked Lydia for stepping in to help. I told her Allison had been called away to Maryland on a family matter. I studied my neighbor’s reactions to see if she knew anything about why Allison was gone. If she was aware, she masked it well.
Afterward, I occupied myself by cooking dinner. Heide had returned home in a good mood, and I was wary of disrupting it. I kept the meal simple, but as I moved through the motions of grilling chicken and preparing a garden salad, I experienced the first bit of calm during that long day. I slowed down my pace to extend the feeling, and my guard began to come down.
The house phone rang as I was setting the table. I was inclined to ignore it, but then I remembered I hadn’t heard from Allison all day. When I saw her cell phone number on the display, I answered at once.
“How are you doing?” I asked straightaway. “Are you safe?”
As I waited for Allison to respond, I heard rambunctious voices in the background. They faded away and I heard a door click into place.
“Yes,” she answered. Her voice was timid, which was unlike her. “No problems at all. Just a long day.”
“It’s late there,” I said. “I’m surprised to hear so many people on a Monday night.”
“Liz decided to throw a surprise party. Almost the whole family is here.”
Allison’s sister was always ready to host a gathering, but I worried Liz was also in the mood to celebrate my removal from the family tree. “I see.”
“It’s been nice seeing everyone, but I’m going to bed soon. I’m tired.”
Allison sounded as unenthused and awkward as I felt. I took no comfort in the thought.
“That’s probably a good idea.”
“How are you?” she asked with a tone so polite it was a social obligation. “How was your day?”
“Work was fine, but I was distracted.”
“How is Heide doing?” Here, finally, there was some emotion in Allison’s voice.
“Good. I’m just getting ready to put dinner on the table. You probably want to say hello to her. Let me get her on the line.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah. Sure,” I mumbled. “Hold on.”
I kept the phone to my ear as I made my way to Heide’s room, but our conversation ceased. I informed Heide that her mom was on the line and handed her the phone without fanfare. Then I left the two of them to speak in private, returning to the kitchen to finish dinner preparations.
After a while, Heide jogged into the kitchen and put the receiver back on its charger base. Apparently, Allison had said enough to me for one day and I pushed down the sharp sting of resentment. The last thing I wanted to do was put Heide in a place where she was forced to take sides. There was no need for me to campaign for my daughter’s love. I already had it. There was no need to force her to choose one parent over the other, especially when our separation would only last a matter of days.
Dinner was strange, even mildly uncomfortable at the outset. Heide took her seat at the table and stared at her plateful of food.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
My daughter was staring at her food as though it was crawling with black widow spiders. She looked at me with suspicious eyes. “I didn’t know you could cook dinner.”
I sat back in my chair, incredulous. “I cook breakfast sometimes.”
“True.” Heide elongated the word as she considered my counterargument. “But that’s breakfast. Not dinner.”
I crossed my arms. “If I can cook breakfast, why is it so difficult to believe I can make dinner?”
Heide crossed her arms in reciprocation. “Dinner is more complicated.”
I laughed despite my sour mood and shook my head. “How about this?” I challenged. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll cook breakfast for dinner.”
My daughter giggled and clutched her stomach. “Don’t be silly, Dad.”
“I promise I can cook a perfectly acceptable dinner. Please give it a try.”
I gestured to her plate and watched as she picked up her fork and took an experimental taste. Satisfied, Heide dug into the meal.
“How was school today?” I asked as I took my first bite.
“Fine.”
“That’s it? Just fine?”
She nodded.
“How did things go when Mom dropped you off this morning?”
“Good. She gave me a hug and said she’d bring back a present.”
“Oh yeah?” I did my best to sound casual. “That’s nice.”
From there, our conversation moved along for the next twenty minutes. We were both aware of Allison’s absence, but neither of us brought it up again. Allison was coming back just as soon as she had a few days of rest and relaxation in familiar surroundings. If Heide could accept the situation, I needed to do the same.
When Heide went to bed, I read her a story and chatted with her some more. There was no sign she worried over her mother’s absence. She fell asleep soon after I turned off her lights. I locked up the house and retreated to my room, grabbing a book to keep me company.
Kitty Hawk followed me to bed and curled up on Allison’s empty side. I read a chapter and scratched the cat’s head while keeping an ear out for anything unusual. By the second chapter, the words blurred together on the page, which surprised me. I’d expected to be restless that first night, but the week’s exhaustion caught up to me. I set the book aside, turned off my bedside lamp and eased into a deep, dreamless sleep.
After dropping Heide off at school and stopping for coffee the following morning, I pulled into the parking lot at work. Kathleen exited her car and waved when we spotted one another. She waited for me to join her and we walked to the office building together.
“How’s it going?” she asked.
“No complaints so far. I actually slept really good.”
“You sound surprised.” Her observations were always so acute.
I hesitated to answer, not wanting to steer the conversation too personal. We were getting close to the building’s front door so I slowed to a stop and faced her.
“Have you ever had one of those nights when you thought you couldn’t possibly sleep? But then you did?”
Surprised, her demeanor shifted. She crossed her arms over her chest as though an arctic breeze had just struck. “I’ve had a few of those.”
I wondered if she could hear my heart pounding in my chest, but one look at her face told me she was deep inside her own thoughts or preparing for something unpleasant. Guilt bubbled up inside me. I hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable.
“It’s just a relief when you wake up in the morning and you’re rested far beyond your expectations.”
Her shoulders and expression relaxed. “That’s a good thing,” she said with a nod. “I hope the rest of yo
ur day goes as well.”
“Thanks, Kathleen.”
She turned, and we resumed our walk to the office. We reached the front door together and I grabbed the handle before she could.
“Please. After you.”
She went inside without a word. I was surprised when she paused in the lobby.
“Are you happy?” she asked.
I froze in place.
She began to fidget in her high-heeled shoes. “I mean… are you happy you moved here?”
I was afraid to answer because I feared giving away everything I was determined to keep secret.
Yet again, Kathleen’s intuition kicked in to overdrive. “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. It’s just that you said you expected to get a bad night’s sleep. I’d hate to think it’s because you’re having second thoughts about this job.” She lifted her pretty green eyes to mine.
I allowed our eye contact to linger for several significant moments. “I like my job. Very much.”
Kathleen blinked and nodded as a satisfied grin appeared. “I’m glad. Robert made the right decision choosing you, Jack. You’re good for this place.”
She went through the door to the reception area and I followed behind her.
AS THE days marched on, I expected them to angle back toward a semblance of normalcy. I slept soundly every night, but the same uncomfortable, awkward mood filled my days. Allison booked her return flight to Eugene, but even this wasn’t enough to dispel my unease. I couldn’t decide if my family was moving forward or falling apart. I accepted this latest version of reality as best I could and kept my thoughts to myself. If nothing else, I wanted to protect Heide from the unpleasantness.
In the meantime, the two of us adapted to our routines. I’d drive Heide to school in the mornings and pick her up from Lydia’s on my way home from work. I cooked dinner every night, finding some of the day’s only enjoyment in surprising my daughter with my wide range of culinary skills. Afterward, she’d help me with the dishes and we’d talk about our plans for the next day. At bedtime, I tucked her in and read her a story. We only had each other at home and from my perspective, the warmth and love between us grew at a time when it could have been tarnished.
Chaos (Constellation Book 2) Page 10
