“Yes,” she breathed.
“You are a dream.” I continued to slide up and down inside her. “When you touched my chest outside the office tonight, it was everything. Our night could have ended then, and it would have been glorious. I could have come home and climbed into this bed without you, but I wouldn’t have been lonely because remembering the heat of your hand over my heart would have kept me happy.”
Her body stretched beside me, her head tilting up and back, allowing me to watch her face while she panted. She opened her sparkling eyes and looked into mine, her beautiful features enhanced by the pleasure I was giving her. I pushed into her with enthusiasm, rejoicing in her vocal reactions each time I did so. After a while, I slowed my tempo, allowing her a brief respite and returning my mouth to her ear.
“When you kissed me on this bed, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced. When your lips touched mine, all I could think about was how I’d give you anything in return.”
I removed my hand from her breast and brought my fingers up to her jaw. Gently, I guided her face toward mine. When she was within reach, I covered her mouth with my own and delivered an ardent kiss while pumping hard into her body. She cried out against my lips while she stretched tight in response to my insistent thrusts. I offered her every ounce of physical strength I had until her orgasm subsided. When her body returned to a relaxed state, I shared one more secret with her.
“When you stripped away your clothes and offered this gorgeous body to me, I rejoiced. As long as you stay in my arms, I will give you anything you desire. And when this night fades to morning, I promise you my eternal gratitude.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, the honesty of this sentiment seized my heart. I withdrew from her and she gasped in surprise. Before she could question my action, I rolled her onto her back. I pulled her legs far apart, plunging back into her body with fierce devotion. She cried out when I entered her roughly but when her legs wrapped around my waist, the matter of her tenderness was no longer a concern.
Our lips met again as we moved together on top of the covers, blanketed only by the darkness and warmth of a fragrant springtime night. Our endurance for one another was invigorating. After innumerable nights spent yearning for such passion and attention, I was enthusiastic to become Kathleen’s lover. No other woman in the universe held my heart the way she did. No other woman in the cosmos quenched my thirst.
I lost count of the number of times she came, but I watched in utter fascination when her last orgasm took her, body and spirit. She began to shake in my arms as I pushed her damp hair away from her forehead. My own body climaxed as I watched her intimate vulnerability on display. I eased my movements, then slowly withdrew from her. We were both breathless, our eyes locked onto one another as we both accepted that we’d reached our physical limits for the time being.
It occurred to me to tell Kathleen I loved her. I was certain I’d fallen in love with her months earlier, but despite this magical night, I wasn’t certain she returned my love.
Unable to contain my emotion, nervous laughter rumbled through my chest.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Look at us. We should stop, but I swear I could do this with you all night. I don’t need sleep. I don’t need water. I just need you.”
“Why me?” she asked in a sweet voice filled with amazement.
I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “You are beautiful in every way that matters.”
She placed her soft palm against my cheek. Her eyes grew watery and danced in the moonlight. She looked like she was going to tell me something, so I waited. Lying in my arms, she was content. Her muscles were relaxed, and she gave no hint that she wanted to move. We stayed like that for a while, watching and holding one another without speaking. Her blinks grew longer, until her eyes drifted shut. It was only then I moved her back toward the pillows. She allowed me to guide her into place and I pulled the blankets up to cover us. She rolled onto her side, facing me.
I kissed her mouth before moving my lips to her ear. “Sleep now. Rest as long as you need. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
She smiled with swollen lips and then drifted off.
“HI, JACK.”
I looked up with a start. I was unaccustomed to hearing this woman’s voice inside my office.
“Tracie.” I stood to greet her.
“Do you have a couple of minutes?”
“For you, always.” I smiled and gestured to the chair in front of my desk.
“Can I close the door?”
“Please.”
I didn’t retake my seat until she sat down.
“What brings you by?” I asked.
Tracie looked down at her lap and clasped her fingers. “It’s quiet here this week. I don’t have my break buddy.”
The acknowledgement of Kathleen’s absence had been an uncomfortable subject all week. I never knew when it was going to be brought up, only that I could expect it to be. Mostly, I withdrew from the gossip, but Tracie was an exception to the rule. I struggled to come up with the right response, so she continued without me.
“I can fake it for a day or two, but I miss her.”
“So do I,” I admitted with unexpected relief. It was nice to let my guard down a bit with someone outside of our families. “How did you handle it when she was away in Portland?” I asked.
Tracie shrugged. “She still had to work, so we e-mailed a lot. And we chatted on the phone enough. It felt like she was still down the hall.”
“This is different,” I added.
“I suppose so.”
We both fell silent and I contemplated the situation.
“I don’t want to think about Kathleen leaving here,” she continued. “People come and go. It’s part of the office routine. But Robert and Kathleen are the constants.”
She lifted her head and leaned back in her chair. “She especially. I mean, Robert has been here for decades, but we expect him to retire soon. She’s supposed to be the future of this company.”
I tilted my head and made eye contact with her. “I’m sure she’s taking that into consideration. She cares about everyone here.”
Tracie appeared unconvinced but didn’t argue with my assessment.
“How long have you been at Aurora?” I asked her.
“Eight years,” she answered. “It’s a good job. There’s just enough responsibility to keep me interested, but not so much that I can’t walk away from it at the end of the day.”
“And you’re excellent at what you do.”
She laughed self-consciously. “Thanks.”
“I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t.” This was not an easy confession for me. I shifted in my seat just as soon as I said the words.
“I know what you mean.”
“Yeah?” I’d expected Tracie to rebuke me.
“Kathleen’s great at the job. She always knows what to do. But she hasn’t found happiness like most do.”
I had no response to this, because I was ashamed to have contributed to Kathleen’s sorrow.
“Something was changing in her, though,” Tracie went on. “She wasn’t so cautious anymore. She was more open to just… feeling things.”
“How so?” I pressed.
“She was soaking up some of the awesome sunshine for once. She was taking more risks and they seemed like the right ones.”
Tracie looked at me pointedly. “She told me about you two when your daughter was hurt. It was the first time she uttered a word to me about something so personal.”
“I’m surprised to hear you say that. You’re good friends.”
“We are, but there are just certain things she won’t share. She had boyfriends here and there,” she said. “I met a couple of them, only just because I bumped into her when she was on a date or something. But she never spoke of any guy with me. Until you, she wouldn’t have dropped everything to go be at someone else’s side for weeks on end.”
Yet another s
ilence took hold as I processed this information. Her declaration was significant, and I owed her a great deal for sharing her thoughts.
“Between you and me?” I ventured.
Tracie nodded. Her gaze was razor sharp.
I held eye contact as I said, “I never wanted to make her sad.”
Tracie’s scrutiny was undeniable.
“I want her to stay at Aurora,” I elaborated.
She continued to watch me without speaking. Or blinking.
“I want to earn her trust back.”
Tracie didn’t respond to this. Instead, she stared at me with dubious eyes. “I love her.” The emotion I always experienced when I spoke of my love for Kathleen broke through. Tracie won the staring contest when I looked down and brushed a tear from the corner of my eye.
“I nearly forgot,” Tracie announced with her usual bubbly voice. “I came in here for a reason.”
I lifted my head and furrowed my brow in confusion. “What?”
“Have you heard from Kathleen?”
“Not really,” I admitted. “The last time we spoke was when she got on the plane to Denver.”
“She told me you called her. She didn’t share the details, but whatever you said had a lasting impact.” Tracie crossed her legs and leveled another stare at me. And it occurred to me that she was waiting for me to ask her a question.
“When did you hear from her?” I prompted.
Tracie grinned. “Yesterday morning, she texted me and asked me to go into the conference room to call her from my cell phone. She wanted total privacy.”
What Tracie said resonated with me in an unexpected way. “You disappeared yesterday after lunch.”
“I told Robert I was having bad cramps and wanted to go home. That kept him from asking too many questions.”
I nodded at her ingenuity. “That’s a good one.”
Tracie’s expression grew playful. “It was, but that’s not the point.”
She leaned forward with a knowing grin. “Kathleen was getting on a plane to Eugene. She asked me to pick her up at the airport, but she didn’t want Robert to know she was coming back. She said she still needed some time before she saw him.”
I was speechless.
“I drove her home last night,” she said. “She’ll be at her place for the rest of the day. She’s not coming in to work until tomorrow morning.” With that, Tracie rose from her chair and walked to the door.
“Did she say anything about me?” I blurted.
“She was pretty tired. She didn’t say much.”
I made no effort to hide my disappointment.
“She also didn’t tell me not to tell you she was back in town.” Tracie opened the door and raised her voice as she stepped into the corridor. “I don’t know. You look a little peaked to me, Jack. If you want, I can reschedule your appointments this afternoon? You should take the afternoon off. Go and get some… rest.”
I’D LOST track of the number of times I’d worried about Kathleen. It had been terrible enough when she left to spend a weekend interviewing for another job in Colorado. I’d almost succumbed to a public meltdown when she didn’t reappear at work after three days. With only a single text message between us, another four days had drifted by in agonizing slowness. That one conversation wasn’t enough.
Now, Tracie had stunned me by mentioning Kathleen’s return to Bend. After Tracie’s departure, I locked myself in my office and leaned against the door. I was upset. Kathleen had come back to Oregon and hadn’t let me know. No call. No text. No e-mail. I was distraught because she had made her decision about what direction her life was going to take. The possibility that she could choose a life without me in it hovered like an oppressive cloud.
I was frustrated. Things between us were so uncertain. I was afraid to speak to her, but I missed her more with each passing hour. I wandered back to my chair, unsure about how to carry on. Soon, I found myself staring at the framed magazine cover she had given me.
The day we’d sat down together for an interview and posed for that cover shot was so far removed from recent experience. The sharpness of the moment had faded to a dreamlike quality. It was even difficult to understand that the photograph had been taken less than a year ago. So much had happened between us since that magical afternoon when I discovered her attraction to me.
I stared at that extraordinary portrait of us and sought a way to dredge back the euphoria of that day. During that photo shoot, I’d found the courage to share my affection with her. I’d shown her what was in my heart and she had accepted me.
What would have been different had I kept my admiration a secret? We would have denied ourselves a passionate and emotionally intimate springtime. It was reasonable to assume that Heide’s accident would have still taken place with or without my involvement with Kathleen. What would I have done without Kathleen’s love and attention to see me through that awful summer? She had brought me peace no one else could have. Her love had kept me strong during the biggest crisis of my life. She had done everything right to earn my respect and my trust. My shame burned inside because she hadn’t been able to rely on me for the same.
No sooner had this thought drifted through my head than I knew what to do.
I reached for my phone and dialed her number. I didn’t have a plan in mind. I just wanted to hear her voice and know that, no matter what the fuck was going on between us, she was all right. I just needed her to consent to my call.
“Hello?” She sounded surprised, even though she would have recognized my number on her display.
“Hi, Kathleen.”
There was a slight pause. “Hi, Jack.”
“I know you’re back in Bend,” I said, stumbling over my next thought. “Tracie may have told me.”
“That’s all right,” she replied. “I may have wanted her to tell you.”
Her words were a revelation that unleashed a necessary surge of confidence.
“We need to talk,” I said. “Can we? I want to come over to your place, but I understand if you don’t want to see me. I’ll settle for this phone call as long as you’ll talk to me.”
“I want to see you. But I’m nervous to say yes.”
I shook my head. “You should never be anxious to see me.”
Kathleen sighed into the phone. It wasn’t a sound of exasperation. It was more like sadness. “I want to see you, and I want to hold you.” Kathleen sniffled. “If I wrap my arms around you, I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you go.”
I grinned. We were making progress in our negotiation. I looked out my window, making sure something mysterious hadn’t happened to my car. “I’d like that. Very much.”
“Leave work now,” Kathleen instructed with determination. “I’ll unlock the door. Just come in.”
“You’ll wait for me?”
I needed her to say the word.
“Yes.”
“I’m on my way.”
When I entered Kathleen’s condo, it took a Herculean effort not to burst through the door.
My patience was rewarded, however, when I discovered her standing in the small foyer. She was waiting for me just as she’d promised.
My eyes dropped to her rosy lips as I pushed the door shut behind me. Two steps into her apartment, and we wrapped our arms around one another in frantic reunion.
“Jack—” she began but I interrupted her.
“Wait,” I pleaded as my hands tangled in her hair. “Just wait. Forget logic and forget heartache and let me kiss you.”
She pulled me in. When our lips met, our mouths opened, and she whimpered. I didn’t break our contact. I was incapable of doing any such thing.
With my mouth drifting along hers, I said, “Don’t pull away.” I thrust my tongue between her lips before drawing it back just enough to say, “Be strong. Stay right here. Like this.”
We were kissing for the first time since that god-awful fight in her father’s apartment in Portland, and I basked in the glory of this triumph.
>
“I think about you all the time,” I confessed. I dropped my hands from her hair and ran them up and down her sides, delighting in the familiar territory of her soft and curvy body. “I dream about you at night and fantasize about you during the day.”
She slowed her agitated movements but didn’t pull away. She opened her eyes and watched me. Her look of concern was enough to end the kiss, but I didn’t let her go and I didn’t pull back. I pressed my forehead to hers and held her in my embrace.
“What is it?” I asked. “What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t want you to hate me,” she admitted. “I can’t stand the thought. I need you, even if we can’t be together anymore. I can’t let you go.” She made a valiant attempt to hide her emotions, but her eyes conveyed her fear.
I ran a gentle hand through her hair, trying to soothe her anxieties. “I don’t know why I matter so much to you,” I said as my eyes scanned her dear face.
“Why would you ever say that?”
“Because I have a terrible record and not just with you. I’ve never been able to keep a woman happy.”
At this, she dropped her gaze, and distress began to take hold.
I placed a finger underneath her chin and lifted it, so she would see my determination. “You’re more precious to me than anyone other than Heide.”
“Even though I went to Colorado?”
The pain in her voice tangled around my heart like a persistent vine. A dull ache filled my chest. “Yes, and you mean so much to me, and yet I’ve still managed to hurt you terribly. Look at where we are. You’re willing to leave everything you’ve ever known to put space between us. To shield yourself from the pain I’ve caused you. I hate that, but I could never hate you.”
She brought a shaking but gentle hand to my cheek. I hadn’t been mindful of my professional appearance since she’d been out of town, and my face had more stubble than she was used to. I reveled in her temporary fascination with the roughness.
“You know this is more complicated than that,” she said even as she continued to stroke my face.
Chaos (Constellation Book 2) Page 22
