I began typing about my feelings, not knowing if I would communicate everything that needed to be said in three sentences or three thousand. I refused to check myself. I just allowed the words to appear as they hit my consciousness. The more I wrote, the more I had to say. The process of molding my thoughts into something tangible was cathartic.
At first, I paused every little bit to check on Kathleen. I didn’t want to wake her. From all indications, her night had been an emotional one as well. I took pride in the fact that she was exhausted from our lovemaking. She deserved hours of good rest. I realized that my actions wouldn’t disturb her and turned my full attention to my project. The sunrise infused the bedroom in soft light, but even so it wasn’t enough to break my focus on my essential task.
I wrote until I recognized that I was using new descriptions of illustrating what I’d already recorded. So, I went back to the beginning to examine my writings. I moved slowly, making changes here and there as it suited my mood. I thought about each sentence carefully, racking my brain to make sure nothing was being left unsaid. I was lost in the task, consumed by my desire to recall it with perfect clarity.
At some point, Kathleen rolled toward me. Except for one startled breath, I held stock-still, fearful that I’d disturbed her sleep. I waited, not even daring to look at her face, just in case it would jar her awake. She didn’t sit up or speak, so I returned to my thoughts, seeking to complete my mission before more pressing matters intruded. Kathleen’s breathing returned to its steady rhythm, confirming I’d made the right choice in not pulling her out of a much-needed sleep.
The oncoming day was bright and warm, and I looked around my bedroom, taking inventory of the various ways the sunshine flowed through the space. There was a tangible feeling of happiness that surrounded the two of us, and I was drawn into my electronic journal yet again, wanting to record it and ponder its meaning for the days to come.
I read and reread my newest observations until my daughter’s familiar knocking on the bedroom door signaled that my time was up. I avoided turning toward Kathleen once again. I detected no movement from her side of the bed and was relieved. Neither of us had prepared for such a wake-up call.
“Yes?” I answered Heide’s call for attention and prayed that I didn’t sound cross.
“It’s me.” Her mother had taught Heide never to barge into our bedroom. It was a lesson I appreciated at that moment.
“Do you need something? Are you all right?”
“Can I play the Wii?” We never allowed her to play on the gaming system on school mornings. The rule sometimes made it possible for me to take a little bit of extra time getting dressed on the weekends. Yet another godsend this Saturday.
“Sure. Go ahead. I’ll be out in a little bit.”
She turned and ran toward the living room before she could offer up a response. “Okay!”
I set the tablet aside and rose from the bed, knowing that if I squared away a couple of things, I could return to wake Kathleen within a few more minutes.
We’d both been swept away by our passions the night before. We’d been fortunate to enjoy one another’s bodies without interruption or distress. But as I was aware, everything had its moment. Every experience, no matter how joyous, had to end. My reality had knocked on the door, signaling it was time to resume my responsibilities.
As I dressed, I thought about what was to come. Kathleen would have questions about how to move forward with our morning. I was prepared to give her anything she needed and hoped like hell she wouldn’t bolt from my house at the first opportunity. I wasn’t ready for her to go home for the weekend, although it was inevitable. I wanted to do whatever I could to ensure that she would see me again. And soon. She hadn’t yet left my bed, and I’d glimpsed how much I would miss her once she was gone.
I would offer her the chance to shower or bathe—by showing her how much her personal comfort was important to me. I would not make demands on her to lie to Heide about anything. Kathleen had brought me such ecstasy and such enjoyment. I would do nothing to make her feel unappreciated. I cherished her and wanted to do anything within my ability to prove to her just how much she was revered.
I’D DRIVEN home from Kathleen’s while Allison was driving Heide to school. I entered the quiet house and went to my bedroom to change my clothes for work. I took my time choosing a suit. I wanted to make an impression on Kathleen, and I knew I should spend a few minutes with my ex-wife before disappearing again.
Beyond that, I made no attempt to predict how the rest of my day was going to unfold. Robert had warned me about the danger of entertaining theories. It was sound advice.
When Allison pulled into the driveway, I was in the kitchen. She studied me thoroughly as she settled at the breakfast bar. I poured us each a cup of coffee and joined her.
“Did you enjoy the rest of your girls’ night?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation casual.
She nodded but didn’t share any of her adventures. “Were you able to work things out with Kathleen?” Allison worded her question in a manner that set limits for us both. We’d grown as friends in our post-divorce relationship, but even so, I wasn’t inclined to share the details of my intimate night with Kathleen any more than Allison was inclined to hear about them.
“We talked. More than we ever have. I love her. And she loves me back.”
“That’s good.” Allison sipped her coffee thoughtfully. “If Heide’s next doctor appointment goes well, it will be time for me to go back to Baltimore.”
I paused with my cup in midair. This was the first unpredictable statement of the day. “Only when you’re both ready,” I stipulated.
“I need to get back to what I started,” Allison said. “We should set a date. I’d like to avoid another ill-conceived departure. We should be prepared.”
Allison’s return under the shadow of Heide’s accident had been stressful on everyone. We’d argued in those early weeks, but I’d grown accustomed to her company over the months. As much as I wanted to be able to focus my attention on Kathleen, Allison was always going to be a part of my family life. And I was going to miss her.
“I suppose so,” I replied, setting my coffee on the counter. I was concerned with the upcoming separation of mother and daughter. It was important to continue with compassion.
“The holidays are coming up,” I mentioned. “If you’d like to stay until after Christmas, I’d understand that.”
“Maybe.”
I angled my body to face hers. “You don’t want to?”
Allison was contrite. “Of course I want to, but Kathleen needs you now. And you need her.”
She gazed at me pointedly. “This is a good thing, Jack.”
I returned to my coffee. “Please consider staying a bit longer. Neither of us wants to put Heide through the stress of travel right now, and after everything we’ve been through, this would be a good way to move forward. I’d like the three of us to spend Christmas together.”
I smiled and reached for Allison’s hand. As our fingers came into contact, I marveled at how different holding her hand was compared to touching Kathleen’s. Allison’s grip was comforting, but Kathleen’s touch was a homecoming. I squeezed her fingers and withdrew from her.
“I’m grateful we could work together for Heide’s sake,” I said. “I wouldn’t change that.”
“Me, too.” Allison’s eyes glistened in the morning sunshine as she offered me a beaming smile. “But the worst is behind us, and we need to move on with our lives.”
“Kathleen’s going to Colorado.” I blurted the words without even realizing they were hovering in my thoughts.
Allison was astonished. “Why?”
I tapped a finger on the countertop. “I can’t explain the specifics, but she’s dealing with more than just the challenges I’ve presented her. She may not break up with me, but I think she’ll still have to go.”
“You think she’ll go?” Allison was incredulous. “Has she actually told y
ou that she’s taking the other job?”
“She was going to this morning, but then she changed her mind.”
Allison’s eyes narrowed in doubt. “What makes you so sure?”
“I just am.” I shrugged.
“What will you do if she goes?” Allison’s tone had shifted from irritated to concerned.
“I’ll do my best not to get wrapped up in hypotheticals.”
Allison quirked a confused brow.
“I’ll take it one step at a time.” I took a final sip of my coffee. “Speaking of which, I should get to the office.”
I rose from my seat, grabbed my things and waved farewell to Allison. “Let Heide know I’m coming home right after work. We can cook dinner together.”
Allison nodded. Her expression was stoic, although her eyes betrayed her worry.
I was calm as I drove to work. I pulled into my usual parking space, grabbed my messenger bag and entered the front doors of Aurora Advertising as though it was just any other day at the office. My mood was perplexing in its way, but I didn’t fixate over it. Kathleen’s car was in the parking lot. Simply put, having her back in Bend did wonders for my emotional state.
When I entered the reception area, Tracie was sitting at her desk. She offered me a knowing smile as soon as we made eye contact. I didn’t pause to say hello, but I mouthed my thanks as I moved past.
I peered at Robert’s office. The door was closed, but the lights were on. It was still early in the workday by his standards, but he was already in the middle of a private meeting. I knew without checking that Kathleen was in there.
I went to my own office to hold vigil. I set about my usual tasks, occasionally checking on the status of Robert’s closed door. Kathleen spent most of the morning inside her father’s office, and this told me that a simple conversation, an easy decision, wasn’t playing out between them. The prolonged, private discussion solidified my expectations, as had Kathleen’s hesitation to say something to me earlier that morning.
I accepted this twist of fate alone. The longer their meeting dragged on, the more difficult it was to keep my mind on the work. When my efforts became worthless, I found myself reaching inside my messenger bag to retrieve my tablet. I turned on the device and trailed my fingers down the display until I discovered the file I was searching for.
I hadn’t opened the document in months. My intense concentration that morning had distracted me from Kathleen. After realizing that she’d felt invisible because of my impulse to memorialize our first night together, I’d been unable to go back and read what I’d written. But at that moment, I was nostalgic. Our breakthrough from the night before emboldened me.
I sat back in my chair and absorbed the recollections I’d journaled months ago. I remembered many sentences word for word, but others had drifted from my memory, stunning me with their rawness. As much pain as my actions had caused Kathleen, this essay was everything I needed as I waited for her to finish talking to her father. It was the perfect way to remind myself what I was fighting for. I read the passionate words and gathered my strength for the new reality unfurling within Robert’s office.
My usual lunchtime rolled around just as my cell phone pinged with a text message. I set the tablet down on my desk and picked up the phone.
Kathleen’s smiling face greeted me on the display screen. “I’ve talked to Robert. I’m in my office. I need you.”
I didn’t waste time replying. I got up and marched over to her corner of the building. I stepped inside her workspace and closed the door as Kathleen rose from her chair. I strode around her desk with purpose but stopped just short of pulling her into my eager arms.
“Will you push me away if I touch you?” I asked, and not for the first time.
She was flustered, but then she shook her head.
I reached out and ran my hand through her hair. Her eyes fluttered shut, igniting both pleasure and memories of an intimate moment on a cityscape terrace.
Despite the tension, I smiled and capitalized on her openness. “I want you,” I said with undeniable need. I leaned forward and skimmed my lips over her earlobe. “It’s been so long.”
We stood in this precarious pose, both too frightened to make the next move. Gradually, I wrapped my arm around her waist and spread my hand across her back. I encouraged her to lean into me, but she stiffened with cautious reserve.
I hoped to alleviate her fear. “I want to kiss you now, but I know I can’t.”
She leaned back and opened her eyes, grasping the broad slope of my shoulder and waiting for my explanation.
“If I kiss you, I won’t stop. I’ll take you right here on your desk.”
“I’d let you,” she confessed, her voice infused with as much desire as mine. “But we need to talk.”
I settled for placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. I pointed to the chair in front of her desk. “Should I take a seat?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
Having been away from her for so long, I couldn’t bring myself to step away from her. Instead, I perched on the corner of her executive desk and held one of her hands in both of mine.
She looked into my eyes. “I’ve been offered a job at Ryan Murray’s firm in Denver.”
I held stock-still. The rest of our lives would unfold during this conversation. I couldn’t fuck it up. As I struggled to hold my composure, I focused on the emotion in her confirmation.
“You sound surprised,” I said.
“Yes.” She was unable to suppress a glimmer of pride. Despite my personal fears, I smiled and reached up to rest my palm against her blushing cheek.
“I’m not,” I said with conviction. “And I’m sure Robert wasn’t surprised either.”
She nodded. “He was ready for it.”
“You were in his office for most of the morning,” I added.
“We were going over the angles. He was helping me.”
Her voice communicated her astonishment, but I’d learned enough about Robert Brighton, as a man and as a father, to understand where he was coming from. Fighting his daughter would only poison their fledgling reconciliation. I was grateful to him. Perhaps his efforts to keep the peace with her would also help me shore up the damage I’d caused.
“He’s willing to put his family before himself or the firm,” I said. “You see that, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she answered.
I glanced down at our entwined hands. “Allison wants me to tell you something.”
“What?” Kathleen’s amazement was undeniable.
“She’s returning to Baltimore after the holidays. We’re both in agreement about this. Heide’s moved far enough into her recovery. She’s out of immediate danger, and it’s time for us to move forward with our lives.”
Kathleen didn’t respond other than to lean farther into my palm and squeeze my other hand.
“I’m not telling you this so that you’ll turn down the job,” I continued. “When Allison leaves, I’ll need to dedicate more time to Heide’s care. It’s still going to be a long road for her. She’ll need me.”
“She will,” Kathleen agreed. “You have no idea how much.”
Sitting on the corner of her desk, I looked back upon the mistakes of my first marriage as well as the long-term effects of Robert’s mistakes in raising Kathleen.
She was in her thirties and an accomplished, beautiful woman, but this was the first time she was embracing her own opportunities. I was committed to doing the right thing for us all—Heide, Allison, Robert, Kathleen and me. Even if that meant giving Kathleen the chance to build a new life elsewhere. Her happiness was paramount to our success.
“What do we need to talk about?” I encouraged her.
She squared her shoulders but didn’t break our physical contact. “I haven’t responded to Ryan’s offer yet. I wanted to speak with you first.”
“But you want to take the job?”
She faltered, but only just briefly. “I want your honest opinion on this
.”
“All right.” I swallowed my emotion. It was so difficult to hear. But I would rise to the occasion rather than destroy it.
“I’ve worked out a compromise with Robert and Ryan. One that I hope will be acceptable to you.”
“A compromise…” I repeated the word with wonder. Her declaration was unexpected, and I wanted to be certain I hadn’t misheard her. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve accepted Ryan’s offer, and Robert has agreed to give me a leave of absence.”
My chest swelled with hope. “For how long?”
“A year.”
I nodded. In my youth, a year may as well have been an eternity; but now, twelve months disappeared in the blink of an eye. I could survive one year. “And after you’ve been in Denver for a year? What then?”
“I’m not moving to Denver.”
There was no disguising my reaction to that. I dropped my hand from her face and stood up from her desk, reclaiming both of her hands in mine. I looked down into her confident eyes. “I don’t understand.”
“Ryan offered me a position based in Portland. He has a VIP client there, and he’s constantly traveling back and forth to manage just one individual. Ryan wants me to manage this client on his behalf. I’ve promised not to steal the client away. I won’t disclose my background here, and I won’t be working for Aurora in any capacity while I’m working for his firm. I may have to spend some of my time in Colorado, but I won’t have to move there.”
“I don’t want to sound unappreciative, but I have to ask. Why go to Portland at all?”
“Robert is worried about my grandparents. My grandmother told him that my grandfather’s health is declining.”
“You won’t be in Bend, but you won’t be in Colorado full time either,” I marveled. “I have one other question.”
Chaos (Constellation Book 2) Page 25
