Her pain and agony had taken his breath away, left him feeling helpless as the memory resurfaced of how she had grabbed her head and thrashed upon the bed. He pinched his nose to hold back the emotion that slammed against his eyelids. God, he had never seen anyone in such pain. It twisted the beauty from her face. Thank God, she was in only a moment of distress, before the nurse quickly relieved Lisa’s suffering with a shot of morphine. But it had been long enough to clear Jana’s mind and let her know Lisa needed her.
Jana’s own anguish would have to wait.
As well as his own.
He inhaled deeply and caught a hint of the medicinal smell common in hospitals, more predominant in the wings of the institution where patients were receiving medicines and other attention. Lisa had requested no care to prolong her life—just something to ease the pain—morphine. The brave woman wanted to die with her pride intact.
Memories of his mother surfaced. The situation with Lisa was opening up old wounds. Only a year ago he had lost his mother. Would she be proud of him for what he had accomplished with the restaurant? Or ashamed of the triangle affair he was involved in? The thought brought him back to Jana.
Nicolas had been thankful when Jana had finally fallen asleep on the green vinyl recliner sitting in the corner. He couldn’t stand the hollow, drawn look in her eyes. Empty. Lost.
She groaned and shifted, crying out Lisa’s name.
He ran his trembling fingers through his hair then glanced across the room in Lisa’s direction. He had tried to take Jana home but she wouldn’t leave Lisa’s side. Besides, Cathy and Joe were staying at the house and Jana said that she would feel awkward going back there. She couldn’t bear watching Lisa’s parents’ sorrow, she’d told him. Cathy and Joe were losing their only child and it was tearing them up inside.
Nicolas stood and stretched. Every muscle, every tendon drawn tight. When had he lost control of the situation, or had he ever really had control? He was the strong one. Yet at the moment he felt anything but strong.
Lisa was dying.
Jana would be lost without her.
Uneasiness prickled and tightened his skin, spreading rapidly across his arms. The sensation made him feel trapped within his own flesh.
He could lose them both.
The realization made his breath catch. With each second that ticked, he felt a cramp in his chest that made breathing difficult. He covered his face with his hands, fingertips pressing against the ache behind his eyelids.
Nicolas willed himself to pull it together. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Lisa and Jana needed him. His eyes opened.
Through a part in the curtains he saw the moon’s reflection. He stood and walked over to the window, looking toward the heavens and wondering what the future held.
Mexico seemed like only a dream. The past two months he had spent with Lisa even more distant.
“Nicolas,” Jana whimpered in her sleep.
He turned and gazed at the woman he had fallen in love with, and then toward Lisa, the catalyst who had brought them together. Lisa had been the lodestone in the triangle. She had been the core of their relationship.
For a moment he selfishly wondered if what Jana and he had built between them was strong enough to withstand the loss of their anchor.
Lisa.
His footsteps were lethargic as he moved toward the bed. He leaned over and gently kissed Lisa’s cheek, feeling her warmth. She smelled different. Not able to put his finger on it, he pushed the thought aside. In a slow motion he drew his knuckles along her jaw line tracing the contour of her face, memorizing the wrinkle in her nose when she smiled, the laughter in her brown eyes when she was happy.
A void filled him as he released a heavy sigh that rattled through his body. He was going to miss her touch, her kiss and her effervescent personality. Her death would be like snuffing out the brilliant spark of a flame.
Unconsciously his fingertips smoothed down her arm, cupping her hand and bringing it to his cheek.
Jana watched in silence Nicolas’s tenderness as he caressed Lisa while she slept. No matter how hard Lisa and Nicolas had pretended their relationship was only physical, obviously it wasn’t. He cared for her deeply. It was in the softness of his lips against her skin. His hand smoothed lightly across her, he appeared as if he were worshipping her with his touch. The room was dim, but if she could have seen his face—his eyes, she knew there would be love.
She looked away. The precious moment wasn’t meant for anyone else’s eyes.
Emotion rose in her throat, sour and raw, threatening to choke her. She swallowed hard, fighting it down.
She was losing her best friend. Someone she loved more than life itself.
As the third wheel, Jana had stolen valuable time away from Lisa and Nicolas. But she would never regret what she had found with them. She had never felt so loved and a part of something beautiful when she was with them. She would always be thankful for the strength they had given her to face her demons.
But how she was going to live without Lisa, she had no idea.
Lying in the dark, nothing seemed real. Several feet away were the two most important people in her life. She didn’t know exactly when Nicolas had become just as important to her as Lisa, but her feelings were strong for him.
She trusted him.
She heard Nicolas’s footsteps walk away from the bed. She glanced in his direction, their gazes meeting.
“You’re awake,” he said as he began to approach her.
She nodded, watching the shadows flicker across his handsome features.
Without a word he came to her, extended his hand and helped her to her feet. Immediately, she was pulled into his arms. He held her tightly, almost to the point of restricting her breathing as her ribs pressed against her lungs.
His actions touched her and she couldn’t help but respond by wrapping her arms around him. For what seemed like forever they stood in the silence and just held each other, taking what comfort each offered.
Then Lisa moaned and they drifted apart, moving toward the bed as if drawn by an invisible force.
Lisa’s eyes were heavy, her eyelids slightly shuttered. She tried to swallow, but seemed unable to complete the task as if it were monumental. Both of her hands rose an inch off the bed, and then dropped. Jana and Nicolas parted, each taking a different side of the bed to be near her and to cup her hands in theirs.
“I—” The word simply disappeared from Lisa’s parched lips. Moisture swelled in the corner of her eyes. One tear rolled down her cheek, landing upon the bed. “—love you…”
She took one last ragged breath. As she exhaled, Jana felt Lisa’s body shake.
And then she slipped away.
Lisa was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Slowly, Jana pulled her car into the median, awaiting a left turn. A beat-up truck zoomed by way too close, the gust of air rocking her vehicle and giving her a claustrophobic feeling. From the other direction a van passed, continuing the sway and tossing her about. It was surreal. Almost as if she weren’t surrounded by tons of metal, but instead a feather on the wind being whipped from one side to the next, bending to the unforeseen force. The sense of security she should have felt behind the wheel just wasn’t there.
She felt raw and exposed.
A rush of anger flooded across her face, clearing her head. She clenched the steering wheel.
You said you’d never leave me. She struck the steering wheel hard with the palm of her hands. Damn you for lying. Damn you for dying.
A horn blaring made Jana startle. She’d pushed on the gas pedal without even looking both ways as she’d pulled into traffic, barely dodging an oncoming car. When she was safely across the street she drove slowly toward the cemetery.
Lisa’s parents were waiting for Jana at the house, but she hadn’t been able to go back—not just yet.
After the funeral today, Jana had slipped away, alone. She drove around for a while, but she ended up in the
same place as before. The cemetery. She parked her car and got out. There were a few people lingering around other graves. They didn’t pay her any heed, wrapped in their own grief and sorrow.
A breeze sent her auburn hair flowing around her face. The wind carried a heavy scent of flowers, Lisa’s flowers.
“Lisa,” Jana whispered, looking at the pile of flowers heaped upon the fresh mound of dirt. It was selfish to want her friend back, but there you have it. Jana was selfish.
It was the knowledge that she would never see Lisa’s face, hear the laughter in her voice, or feel her soft touch, that was tearing Jana up inside. She pressed her palm to her mouth.
She wouldn’t cry.
Not knowing how long she stood there alone, Jana was startled when a gentle hand touched her shoulder. Before he even slid his arm around her shoulders and drew her close, she knew it was Nicolas. His subtle aftershave smelled familiar and comfortable, unlike the scenery around her.
How did he know she’d be here? Or had he come for his own reasons?
“I came to take you home,” he said, as if reading her mind.
“Home?” The word came out with a short burst of laughter. “I don’t have a home, Nicolas. I never have.” She didn’t look at him, just continued staring at the numerous flower arrangements. Everyone had loved Lisa.
His arm tightened around her. “You do with me.”
She closed her eyes. If only it were true. She took a moment to catch her bearings. “You’re being kind. Thank you. But I’m a big girl. It’s time for me to act like it.” Her shoulders drooped. “I’d better go see Cathy and Joe. Their plane will be leaving shortly.”
She tried to wiggle out of Nicolas’s embrace, but he spun her around in his arms. “Jana…” Moisture filled his eyes, but no tears fell. He trembled, and then he cleared his throat. “Let me take you to the house.”
Jana still wasn’t ready. She was running away again. Perhaps not physically, but in her mind she was trying to stay one step in front of the loneliness that hunted her. And it was relentless in its pursuit. With each minute that passed she felt it gaining strength, moving closer. With no weapons to fight it, she knew it was only a matter of time before she lost the battle.
“I need this time alone. I need to think,” she said. He released her and she moved quickly toward her car. With a jerk she opened the door, slipped inside, before shutting the door with a clunk. Nicolas remained behind, staring at Lisa’s grave. When she pulled out of the cemetery, he still hadn’t moved.
Jana didn’t want to go back to Lisa’s house, but she had nowhere else to go. She hadn’t packed and neither of Lisa’s parents had said anything about when they expected her out. Thankfully, traffic seemed to stay away from her this time as if everyone knew she was unstable. The road was hers. No red lights stopped her, no one blocked her way as she traveled down one street and then another.
This time, when Jana passed her childhood home there were no hurtful feelings, no bad memories clouding her thoughts. Nothing proved to be worse than losing her friend.
As she steered her car into Lisa’s driveway everything looked normal. She shifted the car into park, and then gazed across the grounds and at the Spanish-style home she loved. There were no signs that Lisa was gone—never coming back. No evidence that Jana’s life had changed forever.
Jana closed her eyes and prayed for the strength to get her through the next couple of minutes. She squared her shoulders, took a deep cleansing breath and climbed out of the car.
Cathy and Joe were sitting on the couch waiting for her when she stepped inside.
“Sit down, Jana,” Cathy said, “next to us.” Joe scooted away from his wife, making room for Jana. When she sat, the older woman hugged her. There were no tears in her eyes. She had cried enough already to refill Saguaro Lake and then some after Jana had told her the news of her daughter’s passing.
From the coffee table Joe picked up a manila folder and placed it in Jana’s hands. The big man’s sorrow stabbed through Jana like a knife. He inhaled a ragged breath. Opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t. He just shook his head and turned his gaze away.
Cathy forced a smile. “Lisa signed the house over to you.” Jana’s eyes widened. “She wanted you to have it. Joe and I do, too.”
“I can’t take your home,” Jana insisted. The envelope in her hands began to shake as she pushed it toward Cathy.
She gave it a shove back in Jana’s direction. “You can and you will. Joe and I have always thought of you as our daughter, too. You’re the only one we have left.” Tears moistened Cathy’s eyes with each word. “Please accept Lisa’s gift.”
Jana didn’t know what to say about the house, about Cathy’s heartfelt comments.
Joe took Jana into his arms. “Lisa loved you. We love you.” Then he abruptly released her. “C’mon, Cathy, we need to leave.” He pushed himself to his feet. His features were strained and tight.
As Cathy rose, she said, “There’s a letter in there from Lisa. She wanted to make sure we gave it to you after the funeral.”
A letter?
“Now give me a hug. We plan on visiting at least once a year, perhaps twice. Joe and I expect to see you at Christmastime.” Jana rose and stepped into Cathy’s warm embrace. For the first time in her life she felt a mother’s love. “Thank you,” Cathy whispered.
“For what?” Jana asked, confused.
“For being the sister we could never give Lisa.” Cathy hugged her tighter and then released her. “Joe. I’m ready.” She turned and together, hand–in-hand, they walked out the open door.
Jana watched Cathy and Joe leave, saddened by their departure, but relieved that she was now alone. The silence in the house was deafening. She scanned the room, not knowing if she could live here. Not without Lisa. Every room was filled with her friend’s memories.
The envelope that was clutched between her fingers slipped out of her hand and landed softly on the floor. She’d forgotten she still carried it. She knelt and picked it up. Her fingers were all thumbs as she retrieved the letter and sank into a chair as she opened it.
At the top of the letter the date August 29th was written in Lisa’s handwriting and then the following words:
My dearest Jana,
You can’t know how many times I began this letter, tore it up, and then started again. I struggled to find the right words to express how I cherished our friendship. Hunted for the words to express what your love has meant to me. I found none that could accurately reflect my feelings, because you are my sister, the true half of my soul forever.
Jana’s hands shook, tears misting her eyes as she read on.
I can hear you cursing me for leaving you. But that is only in the physical sense. I kept my promise, Jana. I’m in your heart as you are in mine. Can you feel me?
A blanket of warmth fell over Jana’s shoulders like a cloak. For a moment she closed her eyes and Lisa was sitting beside her. When she opened them she was alone, but the sensation that Lisa was close remained.
I’ll be with you always in a memory or thought, until it’s time we meet again. But for now hold onto the love you have found with Nicolas. Find strength in his arms. Let him into your heart as you have me. Be happy and live your life to the fullest—for both of us.
Lisa
Clutching the letter to her chest, Jana gazed around the living room, and then rose.
Blindly, she moved through the house, needing to hear Lisa laugh, praying to hear her light breathing as she moved down the hall. When she stood before Lisa’s bedroom door, she pushed it open. The light, powdery musk her friend had worn caressed her as she stepped inside. On the nightstand was a picture of Jana and Lisa and Mickey Mouse taken the last time she had visited Disneyland in California. To the left the closet door was wedged open. She went to shut it and instead walked in.
She skimmed her fingers across one outfit and then another. When she came to Lisa’s favorite blue shirt Jana buried her nose in it, inhaling her frien
d’s scent. It fell from the hanger and into her hands.
A moment of nothingness lingered. A silence that echoed the void she felt deep inside her. Then a wave of sorrow thundered through her, violently shaking her body.
It hurt to breathe.
Her chest felt heavy.
“Lisa,” she cried out, as the wall holding back her tears burst. She threw back her head and released a bloodcurdling scream, before she fell to her knees, the letter and shirt pressed to her breasts.
And for the first time in years, Jana cried.
Quietly, Nicolas stood in Lisa’s driveway. He had spoken briefly to Lisa’s parents before they left. They weren’t sure exactly how Jana was, but recommended that he give her some time alone. Evidently Lisa had left her a good-bye letter.
With wide strides he paced up and down the hard concrete. When he felt like he was about to explode with impatience he went to the front door and opened it.
Jana’s screech sent Nicolas racing through the house. When he reached Lisa’s bedroom he came to an abrupt halt. From where he stood he saw Jana in the closet. For half a second he watched as she knelt staring at the ceiling. Tears streamed down her cheeks, one and then another, each rolling faster than the next. She swayed back and forth. Her face a twisted mass of anguish, her pain so raw he felt it rip through his soul like a knife.
In a heartbeat he was by her side and down on his knees. He cradled her firmly and rocked her in his arms.
She released something in her hands, while her fingers twisted in his shirt. He heard the seams of his shirt give, ripping, beneath her struggle as she clung to him desperately.
Each breath was a short, fast intake that shook her as if she was breaking apart from the inside out. “I can’t live without her.”
He held her closer. “But you will,” he murmured in her ear. She had to. He wasn’t going to let her go. No matter what she chose to do he would be there to ensure he was a part of her plans.
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