by Ivy Jordan
“What’s goin’ on?” I asked.
“I can’t breathe,” Xander said.
“You’re breathing fine,” I laughed.
“No, I mean, it feels like an elephant on my chest. I’m scared of myself,” he sighed.
This was serious, but we’d gone through it before. I was actually surprised he lasted this long without a PTSD attack.
“What can I do?” I asked.
“Just give me room to breathe, but don’t leave me,” Xander suggested.
“You got it,” I smiled, moving from the fire towards the kitchen.
Thank God he brought beer up with him. I grabbed one, and then pulled another out for Xander. I sat on the couch beside him, handed him the bottle, and then took a long drink, not saying another word.
When Xander fell asleep, I found a spot outside the cabin where I got a signal and called Alyssa. No answer.
I left another voicemail, and then quickly dialed Holly’s number.
“Holly,” I exclaimed as she answered the phone. It was so good to hear her voice.
“Dad, where are you?” she questioned.
“I’m in Maine with Xander,” I sighed, still gushing with relief that she’d answered.
“Are you coming back?” she asked, her voice shaky and scared.
“Of course, kiddo. I’ll be gone a few days. I have to help my friend, that’s all,” I explained.
“Okay,” Holly said sweetly.
“Your mother hasn’t answered my calls,” I stated, hoping Holly could shed some light as to why.
“She’s been working on the carnival stuff all day,” she said calmly.
Okay, so maybe I was just overreacting. She’d call me when she got the message, when she had a chance.
“Please tell her to call me,” I pleaded.
“I will. I love you, Dad,” Holly’s voice made my heart ache.
This was the first time I’d been away from her since I found out she existed. I knew at that moment there was no way I’d have been able to stay away if I knew. I would’ve been there, been a dad. That meant no SEALs, no Aiden, and no Xander, but I would’ve given it all up to watch her grow up.
“I love you too, pipsqueak,” I choked out, doing my best to fight back the tears.
It was no use. My cheeks warmed with the salty tears rolling down my cheeks, instantly freezing from the cold winds blowing through the top of the mountain.
Hopefully, Xander would get it together soon, and I’d be back on my way home to my girls, my family.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Alyssa
I held the plastic stick that could ultimately change my life in my hand, staring at it as I built up enough confidence to go through with it.
Working so much and raising a kid alone didn’t leave much time to make friends. The only people close enough in my life to talk to about this were Mom and Aiden.
I couldn’t imagine bringing Aiden into this, and my mom was off limits. She was jaded about men as it was, especially Liam, so no need to get lectured.
I didn’t even know yet, at least not until I peed on the little stick in my hand.
What was I thinking? Why had I not been more careful? I questioned myself about the encounters with Liam.
We’d used condoms, at least I was sure about the last two times, but what about the first? Oh my God, I couldn’t take the anticipation any longer. I had to know.
I sat down on the toilet, lifting my skirt so I could slide the stick between my legs. The urine rolled over the small window, determining my future, Liam’s future, and Holly’s.
I couldn’t be pregnant. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone, especially Holly. She just got her dad in her life; she shouldn’t have to share. Besides, another baby would certainly make him stay, but I’d never know if it was out of guilt or love.
I shook the stick, set it on the bathroom sink, and cleaned myself up. I stood there, watching the white window, feeling stress take over as I waited.
The two minutes felt like an eternity, but finally, it was ready to give me results.
Not pregnant. Thank God.
A knock at the door caused me to jump, letting out a little squeal from the surprise.
“Mom, are you okay?” Holly asked.
I shoved the stick in the bottom of the trash, covering it with tissues, and quickly opened the door.
“I’m fine, just a little belly trouble,” I assured her, patting her on the top of the head as I walked by.
“Can we order a pizza?” Holly asked as she went into the bathroom.
“Sure, I don’t feel like cooking,” I agreed, sitting at the kitchen table to catch my breath.
“What’s this?” Holly asked, holding a cardboard box with the letters EPT on the side.
I quickly got up, snatching the box from my daughter, who was too young to understand things like that.
“Nothing,” I said quickly, shoving the box into the kitchen trash.
“It’s a pregnancy test,” Holly stated sternly.
“How do you know what a pregnancy test is?” I questioned surprised.
“I’m eleven, not four,” Holly smirked.
I let out a sigh. Not one of relief, but one that just had to allow the extra air I’d been holding in to escape.
“I was just feeling a little funny, that’s all,” I said, hoping to end the conversation.
“Are you?” Holly asked, her tone accusing, and her expression filled with curiosity, confusion, possibly mixed with a little anxiety.
“No, no,” I assured her.
“Would it be dad’s?” she questioned.
“It’s nobody’s. I’m not. So there’s nothing to worry about,” I said quickly.
I sat back down at the table, flipping through my phone for the pizza delivery number. Holly sat down beside me, her eyes heavy on mine, obviously not ready to give up on the conversation.
“Why haven’t you called Dad back?” she asked.
“I tried, twice,” I countered.
“He said he hasn’t been able to talk to you,” she nagged.
“If he wanted to talk to me, he’d get ahold of me,” I snapped.
“He doesn’t have reception where he’s at,” she argued.
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, right. He just ran away.
“Things are complicated,” I explained.
I looked into my daughter's eyes, so filled with pain they made my heart ache.
“I thought you had a good time on your date,” she squeaked.
“I did, we did,” I sighed.
“Then what’s the problem?” she questioned.
“It’s just not that simple. It’s complicated,” I repeated.
“What’s so complicated?” she pushed.
“He left me before; who’s to say he won’t do it again, that he hasn’t already done it?” I blurted, not meaning to dump my anxiety on my daughter.
“He says. He told me he was helping a friend, and that he’d come back, and I believe him,” Holly growled.
“I’m just scared; that’s all,” I admitted.
“You need to get over it. I love him, and I want him in my life,” she huffed, pushing her chair out and stomping out of the kitchen.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Liam
I hugged Bailey goodbye and patted Xander on the back. He was better, not great, but at least home with Bailey, where he belonged.
“I’m sorry I pulled you away from your life,” Xander gushed, pulling me in for a tight hug.
“You’re part of my life too,” I chuckled, pulling back from his grip.
“Yeah, but you’re a dad now, and you have Alyssa back,” he smiled proudly.
I wasn’t sure if I still had Alyssa. It had been almost a week, and she still hadn’t answered my calls. Holly had acted strangely when I called last time, like maybe she knew what was going on but didn’t want to say.
Talking about my life seemed to help get Xander’s mind off of his. Apparently, his counselor h
ad taken a vacation right at the moment he began to struggle, and he didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I understood it; he was a man, a SEAL, someone who was expected to not only take care of others, but themselves.
“I’ll make it out there to visit, soon,” Xander promised.
I finished up my goodbyes, grabbed my bag from the trunk of Bailey’s car, and rushed into the airport. I couldn’t wait to get back home. Home: it felt good to say.
I pulled out my phone, texted Holly to let her know I was on the plane, and sat back in the stiff, leather airline seat. A few more hours, and I’d be home.
My eyes closed as we took off, a feeling that always brought me back to the SEALs, one that made my stomach ache and the hairs on my arm stand up.
My thoughts were on Alyssa and why she hadn’t answered my calls or tried to call me back.
That night on her porch, I asked her if she was sure. I should’ve stopped it, not believing she could handle it. Hell, she hadn’t handled it the two times prior; what made me think she could handle it then? I wasn’t there to stop her from running, to chase her down, hold her, and tell her it would be okay. I was gone, like a ghost that vanished without a trace, leaving her to deal with all those feelings alone.
Still, I had no choice. Xander needed me, and I couldn’t turn my back on him. He never turned his back on me, not once.
“Sir, please put your seat into an upright position as we ready to descend,” the flight attendant instructed.
I stared out my window at the ground, all divided into what looked like boxes below with large bodies of water separating the land.
I watched the plane descending towards the airport, which looked tiny. The pilot came over the loudspeaker, telling us the temperature, the time, and that we’d made up a few minutes during flight. None of that mattered to me. I just wanted to get off that plane, get to Alyssa, and find out what’s been going through her mind the last week.
Once the plane finally landed, I made my way to the baggage claim and waited for my duffel to find its way around the conveyor belt.
Outside the airport, I texted Holly to let her know I was home and that I wanted to see her. She was still in school, but I knew she’d see it as soon as she got home.
I dialed Alyssa’s number: no answer.
At the house, I sat on the couch, phone in hand, waiting for Alyssa to call me back.
After an hour, my phone lit up, a text, but it was from Holly, not Alyssa.
Pipsqueak: I’m so glad you’re home!!!
Me: Me too, kiddo. I missed ya!!
Pipsqueak: When can I see you?
Me: Tell your mom to call me, so I can make arrangements
Pipsqueak: Okay, I’ll tell her
Me: Thanks. I love you.
Pipsqueak: I love you, too!
After a few minutes, my phone rang. It was Alyssa, finally.
“Hello,” I greeted the woman that had ignored me for five days.
“Holly said you wanted me to call,” she mumbled.
“Yeah. I’ve wanted you to call all week,” I snapped, unable to control my irritation.
“I tried to call, twice,” she said quickly.
“It never showed up as a missed call. Why didn’t you leave a voicemail?” I questioned, not sure if I even believed she tried.
“I didn’t see the point,” she hissed.
“Really? What does that mean?” I asked.
“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything,” she sighed.
“Obviously it does. You avoided me all week. There has to be a reason,” I demanded.
“Look, Liam, you left. That’s what you do,” she growled.
“Whoa, that’s not fair,” I defended. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I had to help Xander,” I argued.
“Yeah. What about me, and what about Holly?” she snapped.
“Alyssa, I never meant to hurt you. I told you where I was going, and I tried time and time again to call you,” I pleaded.
“You know how scary all this is for me,” Alyssa cried.
Scary? Why was any of this scary to her?
“Alyssa, you have to trust me,” I insisted.
“I don’t know if I can,” she admitted.
Blood boiled in my veins. My palms started to sweat as I clenched my hands tightly into a fist.
“That’s bullshit,” I yelled.
“Don’t raise your voice to me,” she squealed.
“I will never leave you again, no matter what,” I promised.
“I can’t believe that. All I could think about was you left; you left me again. I can’t take the chance that you’ll not only hurt me again but Holly as well,” she proclaimed.
Wow, just fuckin’ wow.
“You didn’t even tell me about Holly. I would’ve never left, never,” I demanded.
The phone was silent. I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone. I didn’t want to be mad at her, but I was. I was furious.
“You ran from me the last two times we were together, and you’re the one who initiated it, not me: this last time too,” I growled.
“That’s not fair,” she shrieked.
“None of this is fair,” I groaned.
“I just can’t, Liam. I can’t put myself, or my daughter, through this,” she sniffled.
“Our daughter,” I yelled.
I was so sick of hearing her say Holly was her daughter. She was mine too. I hadn’t made her feel bad about keeping her from me, even though I should’ve. I was cheated. She cheated me. She ran from me. She was being ridiculous.
The phone went silent, and I looked down to see the call had ended. My hand tightened hard into a fist, and before I could stop it, my phone was flying across the room, smashing into one of my mother’s favorite vases.
My heart was as broken as the vase. As I tried to pick up the shards, I realized, neither the vase nor my heart could be mended. I was doomed to be miserable, without Alyssa, and now, without Holly, all because I made a stupid mistake twelve years ago.
I dropped to my knees in front of the broken pieces, holding my head in my hands. Tears rolled from my eyes like water; my chest ached as if a weight had been placed there to crush my heart. I couldn’t take this. I couldn’t take any of this.
“Hey, man,” Aiden’s voice pulled me out of my self-pity, causing me to turn towards his greeting.
“I’m not in the mood,” I growled, standing and wiping my face.
Men didn’t cry. SEALs didn’t cry.
“I can see that,” he nodded, but still moved towards me.
“I don’t need any company,” I said quickly, hoping he’d just leave me alone so I could go back to my pity party.
“I think you do,” he refuted.
I watched as he walked into my kitchen. I heard the fridge door open, and then bottles clanking together. He finally made his way back out into the living room.
“Leave that for now; let’s go outside and have a beer,” he insisted.
It was obvious he wasn’t going to leave. I knew I wouldn’t have left him if I found him in this shape. I sucked up my pride, accepted the beer, and followed him outside.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
I explained what had happened with Alyssa on our date and how Bailey called that morning. He had heard about Xander through Holly, who he apparently was keeping in contact with while I was gone.
“She’s the one who texted me tonight,” he admitted.
“Holly?” I questioned.
He nodded.
“She said you and her mom were fighting. It scared her, and she wanted me to check on you,” he smiled.
It felt good to know Holly cared so much, but horrible that she was in the position that she had to worry about me, her father. I was supposed to worry about her, not the other way around.
“So, why was Alyssa so freaked out that you left?” he questioned.
I shrugged.
I knew why. She was scared I’d leave. She nee
ded me, and I wasn’t there. I was busy taking care of someone else: a SEAL brother.
“Sometimes I think I should’ve never joined the SEALs,” I confessed.
“Don’t say that. You were born to be a SEAL, and if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have any of us,” Aiden smiled.
“I’d still have you,” I chuckled faintly.
We’d been friends for years, well before going into the SEALs.
“True, but what good is that?” he laughed.
“We’re all fucked up, damaged, and doomed to be miserable,” I sulked.
“Do you really believe that?” he asked.
I shrugged. I didn’t know what I believed anymore.
“Xander had a breakdown, but he’s had amazing break-throughs. Isaac is happy; at least he was last time we spoke. I’m good; you have Alyssa and Holly. We’re not doomed,” he insisted.
I turned to look at him, read his expression, and dig deep into his soul with my eyes. I could always tell when Aiden was full of shit, but this wasn’t one of those moments.
“How do I get her to trust me?” I asked.
“Actions speak louder than words. Just be here,” he advised.
“What about Holly? She’s acting like she doesn’t want me getting close to her now,” I sighed.
I couldn’t imagine not spending time with my daughter. Now that I knew I was a dad, that’s all I wanted to be.
“She’ll come around on that. Holly’s a pretty persuasive kid, and a smart one to boot,” he laughed.
That was a fact.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Alyssa
Monday morning brought more gloom and doom than any Monday morning before it. I couldn’t bear the thought of cleaning teeth, not feeling the way I felt.
“Holly, get ready,” I yelled down the hall.
Her light was already on, and I knew she was up, probably already ready.
I didn’t bother changing. I stayed in my soft shorts, tank top, and just grabbed my warm, fuzzy robe as I headed into the kitchen.
I started the coffee maker and pulled out the eggs from the top shelf of the fridge.
“I’ll just drive you to school today,” I smiled at Holly as she entered the kitchen, fully ready for the day.
