“I don’t think so, Kieran,” she finally whispered back.
“What do you mean?” His words were strained and slow.
“It’s not just about us anymore, Kieran. A lot of people were affected by this. Shea’s been having meltdowns every day. A trip would take hours and I’d have to close the shop, which I can’t afford, or explain everything to Shea and find a babysitter. I can’t leave her right now, not with how tenuous everything is. And on top of all that, I just can’t see you like that. I can’t see you locked up in a cage.”
“I don’t know if I can go an entire month with this between us, flower girl,” he said softly. “I miss you, and I miss Shea.”
Fiona sniffed back tears. “We can talk when you get home, but I’ve got to put her first right now. I have to do what’s best for her. I can’t think about what I want right now.”
Part of her wondered if that was just better for everyone anyway. She’d spent so many nights worried about how he’d handle finding out about her past. If the pain threatening to break her was any indication of how painful a secret past could be, she certainly couldn’t imagine telling him now about hers. And that was the worst part of it—she knew she was a hypocrite. She was upset at him for holding back from her, when she was doing the same to him. At this point, they’d both made such a mess of things that it really seemed easier to cut ties and move on.
Kieran’s voice crackled through the line, pain lacing his words. “Fiona, do you still want me?”
God yes, I want you. I’m falling in love—Fiona’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. She couldn’t possibly be in love with a man who was currently behind bars…could she?
“Kieran,” she finally whimpered, not sure how to answer and definitely not wanting to tell him the thought that had just crossed her mind.
But he wasn’t letting her off the hook, and his voice was so full of pain. “Fiona, do you still want me?”
Fiona held the phone tighter against her ear. “I—I don’t think it matters what I want anymore.” I don’t think it matters that I’m falling in love with you.
“I’m counting the days, Fi,” he said softly, after a few moments of silence passed between them.
“Me, too,” she whispered, almost wishing it wasn’t true.
But it was true, and as she put the receiver back on its holder, a loud sob wracked her body. Leaning back against the wall, she was about to slide down to the floor when she felt several arms encircle her. Casey had her arms tight around Fiona’s upper body, her head resting on her shoulder. Nora had her arms around the both of them, and Clare moved to wrap around all of them. It was an awkwardly large group hug, and it was everything she needed.
Allowing herself to cry for a few more moments, she soaked up the love and affection of her friends and leaned into their embrace. As her sobs lessened, she slowly regained her composure. Her heart ached, and her eyes felt painfully puffy.
“Come upstairs, Fi,” Nora said. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“We’ll make some tea,” Casey volunteered, and she and Clare both gave her another hug and kiss on the cheek before returning to the kitchen.
Fiona followed Nora upstairs and washed her face in the bathroom sink before plopping down onto her bed. Nora brought her a cool washcloth and lay beside her.
Fiona continued to sniffle as she draped the cloth over her eyes. “He’s such a great person, Nora. This is all such a mess.”
“He has some pretty shitty luck,” Nora said. “I don’t think he should have gone back to prison in the first place.”
“They caught him with a joint in a youth center, Nora. I don’t think there was another option.” Honestly, she didn’t care all that much about the pot. She’d tried it a few times in her teen years, and she didn’t really think it was a huge deal, despite the fact that she definitely didn’t want it—or anyone using it—around Shea. However, his having it did imply some very questionable judgment, and that was the part that threw her—the fact that she didn’t know who this man was she’d fallen in love with so fast. In love? The thought settled in Fiona’s heart once more. Am I in love? She still didn’t know.
Suddenly, Nora let out a big sigh, her hands pushing through her curly blond hair. She made a groaning sound, like she was frustrated, and Fiona frowned at her. “What’s wrong?”
“Damn it, damn it, damn it!” Nora exclaimed, and Fiona’s eyes grew round as she turned to look at her friend, who was lying beside her, staring up at the ceiling.
“Nora, what?” Her friend looked like she was going to explode.
Nora exhaled sharply and then shook her head. “I can’t keep quiet about this. It wasn’t Kieran’s joint.”
Fiona furrowed her brows. “What? What are you talking about?”
“I confiscated it off some of the older boys at the center a few hours before everything happened. I put it in my desk drawer and was going to deal with it later, but then the parole officer showed up and I got distracted,” Nora explained. “I didn’t even put two and two together that it was the same joint until later.”
“Holy shit, Nora.” Fiona put her hand over her mouth. “Why didn’t you say something before? Why didn’t you tell his parole officer?”
“I did! I swear to God, I did. I called the parole guy up and explained the whole thing after I realized what had happened, but he said it didn’t matter. He said it was in Kieran’s possession, and how it got there didn’t matter. I had to report it to my supervisors and everything. It was a whole mess, and I almost got myself fired for such a stupid mistake.”
Fiona shook her head, trying to make sense of it. “I don’t understand—why would he take it out of your desk?”
Nora muttered something under her breath and sat up, turning to look at Fiona. “He didn’t. I spoke to one of the younger girls at the center, and she admitted that she and Shea had been smoking it. Kieran caught them and reprimanded them.”
Fiona stared at her silently, in shock, as she slowly sat up. “Nora, are you telling me my eight-year-old sister was smoking pot? Please say you’re joking.”
Nora shook her head.
“Shea? My little sister? What? B-but that means…” Fiona dropped her head into her hands. “He didn’t do it. He shouldn’t be in prison. Why…why wouldn’t he have said anything?”
Nora was silent for a long moment. “The truth—I think he did it to protect you. A parole officer seeing an eight-year-old with drugs…you’re her young, single guardian and you guys just lost your home. I think you’re a great mother figure to Shea, the best even, so don’t get me wrong, Fiona. But on paper, it could look bad. I think he wanted to protect you, the kids…hell, all of us.”
Fiona opened her mouth, wanting to yell at Nora for saying such a thing to her. But she couldn’t find the anger. Nora was right. Fiona had fought hard to get custody of Shea, but Child Services could pop back in anytime.
Nora clasped her hands in front of her as though she was praying. “Fiona, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, Nora.” Fiona exhaled slowly. “Not at you.”
Nora frowned but said nothing.
“I’m mad at myself. I was so quick to judge him. I was so quick to decide that he wasn’t the man I thought he was, that he had some sordid past plus drug habit he was hiding from me. But even though he never told me about prison, he still has the same good heart I admired in the first place.”
“He really does, Fi.” Nora reached forward and squeezed her friend’s hand affectionately. “It’ll all work out. It has to. You guys are perfect together, and I think you’ve both benefited from being in each other’s life. Shea definitely has. Don’t let this one stupid decision of his to take all that away.”
“Can I have a few minutes alone, Nora? I just need time to think.”
“Sure, hon. I’m going to go help the girls downstairs,” Nora said with a nod, and left the room quickly.
Fiona lay back in bed and replayed the whole
scenario in her head. She made a mental note to talk to Shea in a few minutes about all of this. After everything Nora had just said, Fiona knew she needed to rededicate her efforts to improving her and Shea’s lives. She was fairly certain her eight-year-old sister hadn’t taken up regular drug use, but a parenting conversation still needed to occur.
She surprised herself when she realized she wished Kieran were there to be part of the conversation. She’d already allowed him to become so much a part of their lives, and she had no doubt he’d make a great parent to Shea, no doubt that she wanted him as a partner. Days ago, she was trying to go all in. She was trying to let herself have what she truly wanted.
Now she didn’t know if she’d get the chance.
—
“Can everyone please liven up?” Dee sighed from where she was sitting at the far end of the dinner table from Fiona.
Rory and Clare were beside Dee, Seamus was at the head, Quinn and Kane were next to her and Shea, and Casey was at the end as everyone ate the traditional large Sunday dinner in silence. Ace sat by her little sister’s side; he never left her side when he was visiting the Kavanagh house. The dog had taken to her in a way no one could understand.
Kieran was obviously missing from the table, as was another brother, who was working, and the mood was dampened because of it.
“Why do we need livening up?” Rory asked. “We should be used to dinners without him by now.”
“Rory,” Clare scolded him, her eyes piercing through him with a stern look.
“We might be used to it, but it doesn’t make us feel any better,” Dee reminded him.
Fiona wished she could dissolve into the table. She was the odd ball out, both Shea and her, in fact. She was just a reminder that Kieran was missing. She decided she needed to say something, needed to let them know that what Dee and Seamus were doing for her meant so much. “Thank you for letting us stay here, despite everything that’s happening.”
“Don’t even mention it, sweetie.” Dee waved her off with a smile. “We love having you.”
“My wife’s right. None of this is your fault,” Seamus chimed in from the end of the table.
Fiona smiled as everyone at the table nodded and added their agreement. “Well, I still want you all to know how grateful we are, and how much we love being here. Right, Shea?”
Shea stared down at her lap, not saying anything. Fiona leaned over to see she’d snuck her e-reader to the table and was reading it on her lap, while Ace was fast asleep on top of her feet. Fiona reached over and turned off the e-reader, causing Shea to look up and lift the earmuffs away from one ear. “Shea, I’m talking to you. I was just telling everyone how much we like it here.” Fiona blushed at the rest of the table as all eyes were on them, even though no one looked upset.
“I like my room. I haven’t had my own room before,” Shea said simply, not making direct eye contact with anyone as she pushed the chicken nuggets on her plate into two straight lines.
“That used to be my room when I was your age, kiddo,” Quinn told her, but she didn’t respond.
“I think we’ve all stayed in that room at some point. This many kids, you tend to shuffle around periodically,” Casey said, but by then Shea had already put her earmuffs back on.
Fiona glanced at Shea, checking her earmuffs were firmly in place, before making eye contact with each person at the table. “You’ve been so wonderful to Shea and me. No matter what happens or where we wind up, please know that I am forever grateful.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet,” Dee said. “But I do hope you won’t go anywhere.”
“You ladies are welcome to stay as long as you need to,” Seamus spoke, his voice kind and soft as he looked pointedly at her in response.
“I second that,” Dee agreed. “Don’t worry about Kieran. He’s made his own choices, but you and Shea are both family now.”
“Keep my room as long as you want,” Quinn added. No ulterior motives, this was a pure-hearted family who were genuinely good and caring. Certainly a novelty in this world today but, even more so, a novelty in her life. Fiona had never gotten to be a child, or taken care of.
And that’s what Kieran had been doing since they met. Now she could see why—that’s what he’d grown up around.
“Where the hell is Jimmy? Is he ever going to come back to these things?” Kane asked suddenly, looking up from his plate, which was stacked high with food.
“He tries, but he’s scheduled weekends. It’s a really tough time for police in New York right now. You all should be praying for him,” Seamus said from the head of the table, causing everyone to still. He wasn’t very talkative, but when he did speak, everyone listened.
“Who wants to come to mass with me next week? Father John has been asking about all of you,” Dee volunteered, always trying to convince them to attend services.
Crickets could be heard with the silence Dee’s question brought forward.
“I can tell a joke to liven things up,” Quinn offered, causing several groans around the table.
“Anyone else?” Dee teased, pretending not to hear Quinn.
Quinn huffed. “It’s not a dirty one! I promise.”
Dee eyed him suspiciously but finally relented. “All right, fine, but keep in mind there’s a child present. What’s the joke?”
“Knock knock,” Quinn started.
Rory took the bait. “Who’s there?”
“Little Boy Blue.” Quinn grinned, and Fiona knew from his face that this was definitely not going to be a clean joke. She looked over at Shea and saw that she was absorbed in her e-reader again, which Fiona didn’t mind at this point.
“Nope. Nope. Nope.” Dee crossed her hands like a giant stop sign. “You are not finishing that sentence if the word blow is in it.”
“I said blue, Ma!” Quinn protested. “Little Boy Blue!”
She shrugged. “Close enough, I know where it’s going.”
“Ma’s right, plus that joke would probably suck anyway,” Kane said with a giant, mischievous grin as laughter erupted around the table.
Dee pointed a warning finger at Kane, then turned to her husband. “Seamus, aren’t you going to say something?”
“Quinn, Kane, stop being idiots,” Seamus commanded dutifully, despite the fact that he was smiling as big as everyone else around the table.
Quinn looked proud. “Hey, you guys said to liven it up.”
“That’s your son,” Dee told her husband as she shook her head.
Seamus chuckled. “How do I know? We had a really buff mailman twenty years ago.”
“Oh!” Kane burst out, his hand raised. “Pop’s got jokes!”
“Burn, Ma!” Quinn laughed even louder as he used one of his favorite phrases, meaning “Got you!” before he realized that his father’s joke applied to him as well. “Wait, is that a burn on me, too?”
“That’s definitely a burn on you, Q,” Kane replied smugly.
Soon the entire room had settled into a back-and-forth brawl of jokes, and everyone appeared more lighthearted. Fiona joined in the fun. And for just a little while, she was able to forget that her heart was missing. It wasn’t locked behind her rib cage, safe and sound, like it should be.
It was locked behind steel bars.
Chapter 20
“Ma! He’s home!” Jimmy called as Kieran followed his little brother through his parents’ front door thirty days after his rearrest.
A loud shrieking sound came from the kitchen as pots and pans banged before his small Irish mother came rushing around the corner. Her arms opened wide and clamped down around him in the tightest hug he’d ever received.
Dee immediately launched into a tirade of conflicting sentiments. “Thank goodness my baby is home. Ooh, I’m so mad at you for not letting me pick you up! Thank you, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for keeping my boy safe.” She clutched her hands in a quick prayer before hugging him again.
He didn’t have a chance to say anything before she continued. “Why did your
brother get to pick you up and not me? He wouldn’t even let me in the car, locked it tight. All you kids are killing me, I swear it. I don’t have a lot of time left on this earth, and my children are trying to make my days even fewer.”
“Ma, calm down. He’s only been gone for a month,” Jimmy quipped from next to them.
Kieran caught Jimmy rolling his eyes in annoyance. “You locked Ma out of the car?”
Jimmy shot his mother an angry look. “Not successfully. She tried to pick it, and now I have a hair clip in my car’s passenger’s-side lock.”
Dee shrugged, unfazed. “You should have let me come with you. And you—” Dee turned back to Kieran, her eyes blazing. “How could you take me off the visitor’s list? I haven’t seen you in a month!”
Kieran ducked his head. “Sorry, Ma. I wasn’t trying to upset you. I just didn’t want you to see me in that place ever again.”
“One of you owes me a new door lock,” Jimmy said, disgruntled. “I have to head out, got a shift tonight. Bye, Ma.” They exchanged hugs and goodbyes and then Jimmy left.
“Where’s Fiona?” Kieran finally asked his mother what he’d been dying to find out. He’d been eager to see his woman ever since walking through the prison gates. His woman. The idea made him smile, but then he realized that might not be the case anymore…No, he couldn’t think that way.
“Oh, no.” Dee wagged a finger. “You’re not running off until I get some answers, mo mhac. How could you cut me out like this?”
Kieran nodded, knowing there was no way to avoid this conversation. And he didn’t want to. He wanted his mother to know how sorry he was and how much he appreciated all she’d done for him. She deserved an explanation. “Ma, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to cut you out; I just made you all a promise that I’d never be behind bars again. I broke that promise, and this has all been my fault. I don’t expect you guys to keep supporting me after I’ve screwed up again.”
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