“You thought my heart was so fickle that I’d just trade one man for another? Nice, Cain. I’m glad to know what you really think of me,” Faith replied, disgust dripping from every word.
“No! That isn’t what I meant, Faith,” Cain groaned, running his free hand over his closely cropped hair. Christ, was he doomed to dig an even deeper grave for himself with this woman? Couldn’t he say one damn thing the right way? “I just thought you’d realize that there were better men out there for you.”
“I didn’t want another man, you fool! I wanted you! Although for the life of me, I don’t know why,” she muttered, shaking her head. “When I got that letter in the mail, do you know what I did? I blamed myself. I spent months wondering what I’d done wrong. I went through every single moment of our time together and tried to pinpoint where exactly I’d screwed up with you. Over and over and over. I couldn’t eat, didn’t sleep and basically cried my through every day. For months!”
“It wasn’t about you, Faith,” Cain whispered. “I broke things off because of me… because of the way I was over there.”
“Well, I had no way of knowing that, did I, Cain? Your letter certainly didn’t say that. Hell, saying it was a letter is too kind,” she informed him with a bitter laugh. “Your scribbled little note simply told me that we were over and that I needed to move on with my life. It didn’t contain any pesky details like why we were over. And in the absence of facts, a person’s mind will create all kinds of interesting scenarios to fill in the blanks. Wanna know my mind’s favorite one? Want me to tell you what I imagined?”
“Go ahead,” he replied thickly, He knew whatever she said would hurt them both, but in order to heal the wounds he’d inflicted on her heart and soul, she needed to purge. Watching her clenched face as he waited for her to speak again, he hated himself for what he’d done to her.
“I imagined what she looked like,” Faith said softly in a voice filled with anguish. “Was she another soldier, Cain, or was she someone you met over there?”
In that moment, Cain realized exactly what Faith assumed and he wanted to be sick to his stomach. “You think this is about another woman?” he asked tightly, his hands curling into fists as his head throbbed. When she didn’t speak after a full minute of taut silence, he knew he had his answer.
“What else could have made you write me a letter out of the clear blue sky breaking up with me?” Faith asked faintly as she stared into space. “Another woman makes sense to me. What happened? Did you two hit a rough patch? So you thought you’d just skip back to good, reliable Faith, Cain, and like a nice, faithful dog, she’d take you back? Was she more experienced than me? Was she a better fuck? A better friend? Did she understand you?” Faith sneered, jerking forward to slam her free hand against his chest. “What?!” she shouted, turning hurt filled eyes on him. “Tell me about the woman that replaced me,” she demanded, striking him again and again as she sobbed and her self-contained shell finally cracked open. “TELL ME!”
Chapter Eighteen
Faith gasped as the emotional dam burst inside her and a tidal wave of pain erupted. Striking him everywhere she could reach, she was dimly aware of Cain’s stunned face as she raked her nails over his scarred cheek. In that moment, she hated him with a ferocity that shocked them both. She attacked him like a rabid wildcat, landing blow after blow against his bigger body. Oh, how she wished she was a man - that her smaller frame held a quarter of the strength he possessed. She’d love to inflict just a portion of the pain on him that he’d given her.
“C’mon, Cain,” she shrieked, “You wanted to talk! You wanted all of it between us. You wanted to fight! So fight me!” Breathing hard, she clutched his shirt and shook him. “Say something!” she ordered shrilly, coming to her knees and flinching as the handcuffs bit into her skin.
Cain captured her free wrist and held it tightly. “Faith, stop,” he ordered harshly.
“Stop?” She laughed hollowly. “You want me to stop? I thought you wanted to know how I felt. You wanted me to yell and scream and curse you. Aw, am I not giving you the reaction you wanted? Poor Cain,” she clucked in mock sympathy. “He just can’t win, can he?” she asked, her voice dripping with contempt.
“Enough,” he said sharply, tightening his hand around her wrist when she would have lifted her arm against him again. He didn’t care about being hit, but every time she landed a blow, she twisted her manacled wrist. The skin beneath the metal had already grown a bright, angry red. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“You’re worried about me getting hurt? Now? You are unbelievable,” Faith spat. “I can’t possibly do any more damage to myself than you have,” she hissed. God, she wanted to draw his blood. She wanted to watch him writhe in unbearable agony. She watched him grimace and smiled. “Does it hurt, Cain, hearing about what you did to me? Does it feel like somebody is ripping the heart right out of your chest? Do you want to die? I certainly hope so, because God knows, I did!”
“Yes!” he admitted harshly, his jaw flexing wildly as he bit out the single word.
“Good,” Faith sneered, feeling somewhat validated that she’d managed to hurt him. “Payback is a bitch,” she added scornfully.
Both of them froze as an envelope was slipped under the door of the freezer.
“What’s that?” Faith asked, scrambling toward the white envelope, pulling him with her. Snatching it with the tips of her fingers, she pulled it toward them. “Take this as a sign of our goodwill and remember we’re trying to help,” she read aloud.
“That’s my brother’s chicken scratch,” Cain remarked, peering at the writing over her shoulder.
Flipping the envelope over, Faith rolled her eyes. “P.S. – It was Zeke’s idea,” she read aloud. “My ass,” she mocked, shaking her head.
“What’s in it?” Cain asked, watching as she slit open the seal.
“The key!” she squealed, excited, her earlier anger dampened for the moment. “You think he unlocked the door, too?” she asked as Cain took the key and quickly released them from their cuffs.
“I doubt it,” he muttered, watching as Faith surged to her feet and darted toward the cooler door.
Shoving with every ounce of strength she possessed, the door remained an insurmountable obstacle on her path to freedom. Slapping her hand against it, Faith hung her head and rested it against the cool metal. “We’re still trapped,” she moaned, squeezing her eyes closed as she fought a fresh wave of tears.
“It’s just as well,” he said from behind her. “You and I aren’t done, Faith,” he continued, tossing Zeke’s handcuffs into the box they’d used for their supplies. “Turn around and look at me, sweetheart.”
Exhausted, Faith shook her head against the door, her emotional energy suddenly zapped. “Haven’t we had enough honesty yet, Cain?” she asked tiredly as she turned and stared at him.
“No. There never was and has never been another woman for me,” he replied softly. “I’ve committed a lot of sins. Some of them… they can’t be forgiven. Cheating on you… on what we had together was never one of them. Even when we weren’t together, I was never with anybody else. I was a fucking idiot, and I was an asshole, but I have never, not once in my life, been a cheater.”
Faith sagged against the door as relief flooded her. She could see the truth burning bright in his earnest eyes as he stared back at her. “Y-you were faithful? There wasn’t someone else?” she questioned weakly.
“Faith, from the moment I took your innocence, I knew that there wouldn’t be anyone else for me. Not that way. You are the only woman I want. You’re the only woman I’ll ever want. The thought of touching somebody else like that…” Cain shuddered and shook his head. “The thought of touching another woman’s body makes me sick, Faith,” he confided softly. “You never had anything to worry about there. You’re the other piece of me, honey. Nobody else would ever fit.”
“Then why?” Faith asked, her voice cracking. “If I’m the only one, why would you light
a match and set our life together on fire? Why would you just stand back and watch us burn?” She wanted to understand. She could accept that he was telling her the truth about being faithful. Cain had his faults, but he didn’t lie. So, why? Why did he break her heart?
“I want to answer that question,” he replied quietly. “I do. You have to understand, though, it’s complicated. If you’ll give me a chance to explain, I’ll try.”
Nodding slowly, Faith wrapped her arms around herself and moved back to the pallet. “I want to hear it. I want to understand,” she said, sitting down and pulling her knees to her chest as he resumed his place beside her.
Silently, she waited for him to gather his courage and tell his story.
Chapter Nineteen
Cain reached for Faith’s hand and laced his shaking fingers through hers, relieved that she allowed his touch. So far, so good, he thought to himself. She wasn’t automatically jerking away from him out of habit. She was letting him hold her hand. He drew strength from that simple show of affection. “Before I get started, I want you to know that I’m getting help, Faith. I’m not trying to fight my demons alone.”
“Help?” Faith echoed as she frowned at him. “Cain, what kind of help do you need?” she asked uneasily, shifting closer to him so that their knees touched.
“I found a therapist to talk to over in Rutledge,” he admitted quietly, “He’s an alright guy. He specializes in treating veterans and is easier to talk to than I thought he’d be at first. I’ve been seeing him three times a week for about the past month. I wanted to be healthy if you decided to give me another chance.”
“Oh, Cain,” Faith whispered, her eyes going soft on his anguished face. “What the hell happened to you over there?” she asked, tightening her hand around his.
“So fucking much, Faith,” he confided sadly. “Too much. War… it’s not what we see in the movies or on the nightly news. The movies get it wrong for the sake of ratings and the news only shows the sanitized truth… the things that will rally us around the flagpoles and fill us with patriotic pride. They don’t tell us everything. If they did, nobody would sign up to fight.”
“You sound so bitter,” Faith worried, her brow creasing as she watched his eyes darken.
“Trust me, I sound a lot better now than I did when I came home,” he replied truthfully. When he’d gotten back to the States, he hadn’t cared if he lived or died. Hell, if he was completely honest, a part of him had hoped for death. That would have meant an end to the nightmares.
“You were home a month before Abel told anybody,” Faith said slowly. “Why?”
Shrugging, Cain shook his head. “I didn’t want to see anybody. Abel and Dad knew I was here. Evidently, Zeke figured it out. I did my damndest to avoid everybody. I wasn’t fit company to be around. I was pissed at the world and didn’t hesitate to strike out when I felt like it.”
“Are you still mad?” Faith asked as she tried to follow the conversation.
“No,” Cain offered quietly, stroking his thumb against the soft skin of her hand. “I’m sadder than anything else now.” Clearing his throat, he forced himself to look into her confused eyes. “I should start at the beginning.”
Faith nodded. She wanted to hear what he had to say. She’d spent months of her life wondering and supposing. It was finally time to learn the truth...if she ever wanted to move forward, she knew that she had to learn this part, too.
“Afghanistan… it’s not like what you see on the news, Faith. It’s worse. Fuck, it’s a shithole. Everything is brown and lifeless. And, it smells worse. It’s hot and dry. There’s fucking sand in everything. You can’t keep the shit off you. But the absolute worst part is the way that godforsaken place sucks the life out of you. After a couple of months there, it just depletes you,” he tried to explain, staring at the wall of the cooler.
“I remember how tired you sounded those last few times you called home,” Faith recalled softly. “It sounded like you were trying to hold the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“Felt like it, too,” Cain confessed reluctantly, shrugging. “All of us were getting too little sleep. The hospital was understaffed and we were taking dozens of injuries a day. Supplies were running low. A lot of things went wrong all at once.”
“Like what?” Faith questioned, tilting her head as she watched the play of emotions cross Cain’s face. Sadness. Rage. Desolation. Everything she saw reflected in his eyes scared the hell out of her.
“The week I sent you that letter, I’d lost nine patients. Back to back. I remember coming back to my room and staring in the mirror. I hated the person I saw. My patients had just turned into numbers for me. I didn’t even see them as people anymore, Faith. I was angry and hopeless and only halfway through my tour. Hell, I couldn’t visualize getting through the next week, let alone the next six months. Memories of you were my one escape. Part of me wanted to reach out to you, but I knew that wasn’t fair. I’d have only scared you. I didn’t want to call you or my family and let you hear the kind of man I’d turned into over there.”
“I would have listened, Cain. I’d have been there for you if you’d let me. I know you think I’m naïve, but I’m not stupid. If you’d have explained it, I would have understood, or at least tried to understand.”
“You’d have tried, sweetheart. I know that,” Cain replied with a sad smile. “But there’s no way you could have truly understood. I don’t want you to ever understand that kind of despair.”
Giving him an unhappy look, she nodded for him to continue.
“At any rate, when a man is that low, he’ll start thinking all kinds of insanity. I convinced myself that I’d never be able to be the man you fell in love with back here in Paradise. I couldn’t foresee a time when I’d be able to laugh and joke again. I didn’t want that for you.”
“So, you decided to let me go,” Faith surmised. Her eyes stung as she tried to hold back her tears.
“Yeah,” Cain said heavily. “I wrote the letter and mailed it out to you. Things didn’t get any easier over there after I did. The patients kept rolling in, and I worked on soldier after soldier. I just focused on getting through the days, and I spent my nights trying to use my memories of you to hold the nightmares at bay.”
It sounded like a crappy way to live to Faith. As bad as things had been for her here at home, at least she’d had her sisters and Aunt Orla. Hell, what Cain had been forced to do couldn’t even be considered living as much as simply existing. She despised how hopeless he sounded as he told his story. This wasn’t her Cain. This wasn’t the man she’d watched board an airplane with a smile and wave to her. This wasn’t the man that she’d imagined marrying and having a family with.
“Eventually, though, I realized that I’d just about made it through my tour, and the only thing I could still think about was you. I knew I’d been wrong to end things with you, Faith. I was coming home to make things right. I was going to beg and plead with you to take me back, give me a second chance and marry me. I realized that it was going to be tough, but the one thing I knew above everything else was that you were worth it,” he declared passionately, gripping her hand as his gaze willed her to believe him.
“Then why didn’t you, Cain?” Faith asked with a hurt look. “Why did it take my sister bullying you of the family homestead to get you to see me again? What happened?”
“These,” Cain answered hoarsely, gesturing at his scarred cheek. “I was on my way to brief the doctor that was going to replace me at the combat hospital. He was working at one of the forward operating bases in the region and I rode with a small convoy carrying supplies to the base. About three miles from our destination, we were ambushed by enemy forces. I was in the first Humvee. Their IED took us out. We rolled and crashed on our side. The driver was killed instantly; he took a direct hit. I was mostly okay, but pinned inside the truck. We were on fire and surrounded. I watched those bastards take out our boys one by one. They were just kids, Faith. Most of them weren�
�t any older than Honor. It was like watching somebody shoot fish in a barrel.”
Faith held Cain’s hand tightly when he paused and shuddered, his eyes tightly closed as he seemed to relive those moments.
“I took out three of them,” he confided harshly. “I’m a doctor and I took down three men like their lives didn’t mean a thing. I wanted to kill every single one of them. I would have if I could have, too.”
“You were defending yourself!” Faith exclaimed, pressing against him as she tried to take some of his pain. “You did what you had to do to save your life and the lives of…”
“Nobody else lived, Faith. By the time choppers flew over to give us cover fire, those kids were all down. Ground forces arrived and got me out of the humvee, but all the rest…” Cain’s voice cracked as he gasped for breath. “There were six of them. Six kids who never got to go home again. And me? The doctor that could have saved them all if I hadn’t been wedged into a steel box? I got out of there with a few beauty marks.”
Faith thought the angry puckered scars crisscrossing one arm and the side of his neck and face were far more serious than that, but she kept her peace. She knew it was his turn to exorcise his demons now, but she couldn’t just sit there while he was hurting and say nothing at all. “Cain, you did everything you could over there. You did the best you could under horrible circumstances. That’s all anybody has the right to ask of you,” she offered softly, lifting a hand to stroke his marred jaw. “You are not responsible for the sins of the world. That is not your cross to bear.”
Breathing hard, Cain shook his head furiously. “I took an oath to do no harm, Faith. Between the lives I couldn’t save and the lives I took, I came back from the war zone a completely different person. All I wanted to do when I got back was crawl in a hole with as much liquor as I could stomach and lick my wounds. I hated the world. I was selfish and self-absorbed. I couldn’t see past my own pain.”
Cain's Salvation (Passion in Paradise - The Men of the McKinnon Sisters) Page 12
