When a chant has come to an end, I felt myself in the seven heavens - and soul of mine was singing in delight. All those guilty thoughts with which Antichrist have been haunting me this morning, have gone. Such is the way of things - for a true light, granted by our Deputy, clears and purifies our souls - and no harm or heresy is granted way to the door of our spirits!
For now my task is to travel to a central church of our city - and by just works of divine servants about five hundred of these small houses of Divine have been built, - to present my new creation on a fair court of its head Holy Alex II. He’ll read my newly written book - and, if it’s approved by his holiness, he will grant his highest goodwill to printing agencies to multiply this text, so that Divine children can taste its aroma and become even stronger in the just belief in the God, and our omnipotent Patriarch.
I am leaving my house and inhaling a clear Divine air with delight. Humble servants of his holiness Patriarch were able to invent such travelling mechanisms, which left air in its protogenic cleanliness, emitting outside no so-called “gases” and working on a solar energy, granted us by our magnificent solar star. Ways of our Deputy are inscrutable, indeed!
I am moving in a direction to the mansion of God, and joy is overflowing me. I already foresee my meeting with his holiness Alex, I foresee his blissful smile, I foresee how my book will help our brothers in their way of mind and heart. This is truly a wonderful day!
* * *
Oh my God, where did those hellish thoughts come from, may the Patriarch exterminate them all?!
Something is going on in the soul of mine, something very strange and unusual, something unclear for me. This is practically the same feeling, which have grown in me two days ago … some sort of vague doubts in fidelity of my own life and life of my earth brothers … Is even a morning prayer no more capable to purify my soul of these fatal doubts?
This feeling was born inside me after an appointment with his holiness Alex II the other day after I have given him the manuscript of my future book, so that he could tell me his opinion as well as his blessing for its distribution.
To give his blessing … he hasn’t given it! He not only hasn’t given the blessing, he was greatly angered and malicious … his highness was enraged … that’s impossible! That’s unimaginable! How, how can it be possible that such a great individuality was capable to fall from grace to the anger?! I didn’t trust own ears when he has begun his speech!
- Whether is it known to you, my son Peter, that by your … h-r-r-r-m-m-m … book … you ruin all precepts, given by our great Deputy?! - voice of his holiness was cold as a steel, some spiteful notes were breaking through.
- Father, how do I break his precepts? - I questioned.
- How? You dare ask me how you ruin his precepts? I’ll tell you, how! In that book of yours you mention that God himself was the maker of this world of ours, and you assert that our Patriarch is His humble servant. Our great deputy is not his “humble servant” - our Deputy is His son, the very incarnation of our Father in this world! He is the God, His embodiment! Whether it was not taught to you all in your church school, I wonder? Did you not learn that the word of our Patriarch is like the word of God himself, expressed through our Deputy, and thus it shall be the law for all divine children?!
- Your holiness, but how is that possible for a heavenly son to stand above his heavenly father? - I asked.
- To stand over his father? My son … - and his holiness choked - the father of ours is the Patriarch! He’s our father and the savior of souls of this world!
- But we’ve been told … - I tried to speak.
- You’ve been told? Tell me, my son, who spoke you all that things?
I mentioned mentor’s name of our spiritual school.
- I thank you, my son, you have performed a great service to us right now in a task of eradication of all … heresy.
I shuddered when he pronounced a word “heresy”. Heresy is a biggest crime, heresy deprives one of his inborn right to pass through a divine gate of paradise - so all holy churchmen told me … only my mentor spoke nothing on that subject. Why is he guilty in heresy, why?! How did he misbehave and broke divine will? And I asked his highness this question.
- He committed a crime by seducing divine children from their holy way, and is subject to be punished for this sin. We’ll carry out all necessary measures, - and his holiness made a sign for me to become silent and ask no further questions. And, having no power not to obey, I became silent … and that vague doubt started scraping in my soul once again.
Meanwhile his highness continued speaking.
Furthermore you state that for all sins made a divine son will be judged by his heavenly Father during a Sacred Court and “on their deeds they will be given”. Truly, “on their deeds they will be given”, but whether it’s known to you that our omnipotent Patriarch as an embodiment of the will of our divine Father was granted the right to either punish or grant a pardon to his sinful children in his endless favor and mercy in this world already?!
And then you keep writing: “… for only our unearthly Lord has a power over both real and unreal, and only His court is just and eternal …”. The court on the earth is conducted by our Patriarch! We, his humble servants, can only submissively carry out his will, which is also a will of our divine Father, having no right to ask useless questions on whether his judgment is just or unjust - for the judgment of our Deputy is eternally just and honorable, for he is the very embodiment of a God! Whether the cases are known to you … my son, - and his holiness choked once more, - when our great Deputy performed unjust judgments over his faithful children and servants?
- No, father.
- Right you are, my son. For his judgment is just and just eternally - forever it was, forever it will be, may his name shine in the heavens!
This very instant of time a blissful smile appeared on the face of his highness as if he has just seen the Second Coming of the Savior along with a retinue of divine angels. However, when he has looked up at me once again, his smile disappeared in a single instance.
- Yet this doesn’t forgive your … failures … my son, - and his holiness choked a third time.
- You speak: “… for there is only one great force in the world of ours and only one great treasure - and this is a love, for it’s a manifestation of our divine Father in our world …” - that’s a lie! Our power - is in our belief in the Patriarch! What other power do you desire except for it? Only belief in the Patriarch moves us forward and saves us, only such a belief aids us on a life’s journey!
“Your belief is a suppressed doubt”, - words came into my mind that instant of time, yet I constantly rejected these fatal thought away. His highness was now looking at me almost with anger, and his voice became absolutely cold.
- But not only do you constantly undermine belief in our most gracious Patriarch, you still try to make his children turn from a true path! You speak: “… and all imaginable customs, rituals and ceremonies would vanish, as if they never existed before … and men would pray in heart and not by heart - and an expression of this aspiration would be the love …”. How can all sacred rituals disappear in an instant, if they are prescribed to us by the holy Patriarch himself as a mean to become addicted to his eternal good fortune?! - his holiness almost shouted. That’s unbelievable, that’s unthinkable! That’s a true heresy, my son! And you keep writing as if it’s not enough! You undermine their trust in us, humble servants of our Father! Just think again of what you are saying … “… and all things of this world disappear and be gone, and will matter no more for those who enter the kingdom of the Father … and never were that way”.
You undermine their trust in us, humblest attendants of our father! Just rethink of what you are writing in that book of yours … “… and things of this world will disappear and vanish, and never be important any longer for the one entering the Divine Realm … and never did matter, for temporarily live in this world is, and as we enter it without
a thing, except for the flame of our hearts, thus we do leave it with nothing except for the fire mentioned. And therefore all worshipping and rituals and everything used for it, and all imaginable earth cults matter no more …” It’s unimaginable! All those sacred rituals which we maintain are the greatest gifts, prescribed to us, with which we render aid to our faithful followers! We purify their souls, we, as the servants of the Father, redeem their sins, we rescue them from the clutches of the Abyss! How dare one not to acknowledge and recognize that, how can we reject a response gratitude of our brothers, granted to us by them in their restrained generosity?!
But you, you dare saying - “… for only the love’s fire of the heart can redeem the sin, and no rituals, no artifacts, no other terrestrial things … for they are transient, yet only the flame of one’s spirit and heart may burn forever …” - that’s a true misunderstanding of the way of things! Our Father granted us the right to atone for sins of our children that come to us, guided by their humility - and we serve a great purpose by releasing them from this burden at once, but you … you! … - his highness enraged himself so greatly that was almost choking - you dishonor all our kind, all our services, all our achievements! And for the last part - “… for our Father lives not outside, but inside each of us first and foremost … and He is the God, and He is the love…”. And He is - the Patriarch! And He is - outside, for only He is holy, and we are all guilty, and the God has never been living inside us! - and only He by the favor of His can rescue souls of ours, and we ourselves are incapable of doing such a thing!” - his holiness stood up and has been angrily screaming.
I still couldn’t recover from surprise, embarrassment, confusion … during that time that aforementioned doubt started overcoming me once again.
- I will overlook up to the end your manuscript … my son - and inform you of my decision in ten days. But don’t even dare to hope that I am going to give you a chance to publish it without some essential … modification … and, possibly, to publish at all. Besides, we will perform the inquiry with your … hm …mentor, as well as with you, - and he coldly stared at me. And for now go in peace, my son, - his highness regained self-control. - Walk in peace.
In confusion and doubt I left the temple. This was truly a day of sorrows.
Leaving the church I noticed how one of my brothers, who have just left the church, was approached by khanji - so we named the enslaved men-derelicts, who have been growing in numbers ever since our Holy Empire began a war two years ago. We treated them with great … favor … some of them have been granted a right to live in cities, yet they certainly have been living hard - however this subject was never brought up in the speeches of our Patriarch.
This particular khanji approached my brother-in-spirit and started asking him about something, apparently. And then my blissfully smiling brother without a second thought and hesitation kicked him with foot so strongly that khanji has been thrown aside and head over heels having swept on ladders …
I have been watching all this scene while my flynear - one the transportation vehicles, invented by confidants of our Deputy, working on the energy of a solar start, - was carrying me away from the spot. And I could no nothing to help the khanji …
A pain, immense and incredible stirred up in my soul that moment, - a sympathy to this little brother, being thrown aside, rejected, kicked off! - filled my heart. That very moment gave a birth to further painful and intolerable doubts inside me.
* * *
I had ten days before the new meeting with his holiness Alex II regarding my manuscript - and had no desire to waste them in vain. A pain, enormous, indescribable pain - it tore and crumbled my heart. I didn’t understand - had no ability to! - how is that imaginable for my brothers to be so … so … cruel - how? why? what for?
All the grace has gone to free the road for the pain. And after the pain doubts followed.
I have heard earlier about that Holy War, that great war, that just crusade. Still remembered how the Patriarch addressed us all … how loftily did he speak about those under-humans with no faith in the Father that we were fighting with … of those murderers … of those sinners. He said that by killing their bodies we save their souls … I trusted his words that time - I cannot deny the faith in my Patriarch ! - but now … after the event with that khanji - I started to doubt. Hour after an hour, day by day that cursed doubt has been growing - I could sleep no more, I rushed in nightmares during sleepless nights. I oversaw hundreds of those poor khanji - and legions of holy brothers dressed in white robes, slaughtering them with a single blow of maces, shouting “in the name of the Patriarch!”, instantly making a cross sign - and marching on further, further, further …
And then I woke up, having no more powers to behold that massacre. And then I reflected.
Ten days after I once again came before the eyes of his holiness - and there was not a slightest sign of joy, shining in my eyes. As well as in his.
- We found your … teacher … my son - and his highness choked a thousand time. - And studied your manuscript up to the end. And now hear our decision! - and he solemnly raised a hand. - For the spreading of false gossips, for attempts to make our beloved children go astray from the true path and into the bosom of Antichrist, - a man named Chris is sentenced for imprisonment into the catacombs of the Cathedral of the Patriarch forever, up to that day when Antichrist will come for him to take his dark soul! The sentence is signed by the Highest Patriarch himself and is not subject for appeal!
I was stupefied. Chris, my teacher who has taught me so much in that spiritual school - he’s sentenced to imprisonment. Never, never, never in my entire life did I hear of even a single case of similar action … and now … before my very eyes … how is that even possible?!
- Escort the sinner! - the voice of his highness rang out.
And then they - several brawny men in white cassocks - pushed him outside. I didn’t recognize him - I would most certainly never recognize him should we meet in different circumstances - he looked like the former Chris I knew since childhood no more. He awfully grown old and hardly dragged his feet, so four assistants had to constantly jog and push him - there was a blood visible on his face. “Tortures?”, - a thought flashed in my mind.
- Teacher, Chris! - I cried out loudly, trying to overcome the noise of the strengthening wind.
He turned back. A weak smile appeared on his dried up lips.
- Peter, my sonny, is that you? They caught you too, yes? Forgive me, sonny … please forgive me … I should foresee that that will once happen.
- Teacher, but why?! Why everything has come to this at last? Did they … have they been lying to us all that time?!
It was still visible that Chris smiled once more with his not obeying lips.
- And here and now, my sonny, you have awakened at last, - he muttered, - and during that same instant a roar of the gushed wind silenced all other sounds.
I saw, how four men dragged my mentor somewhere in the direction of a building’s corner - I tried to rush for aid, only to have been instantly seized by same three men, dressed in white cassocks.
- Stop twitching, oh brother, - smiled one of them.
When several seconds after his holiness appeared before my eyes once again - I was surprised no longer.
- And as for you, my son … we must perform the procedure of … cleaning, so that your brain can become sacred and holy once more and not a single demon even had the chance to crept into it! - and he smiled. - Seize him! In the name of the Patriarch!
My entire world ruined in a single flash of time. Everything I trusted, all that I hoped for - everything became nothing. All was in vain. And when my … brothers … seized me - I resisted no more. That was no longer necessary.
“May the Divine will guide me forevermore”, - a thought came an instant before a weighty wooden club of one of white brothers landed on my head …
25.06.2011
In the prison for a quarter of century
He
opened his eyes. Both sight and hearing were coming back to normal, very-very slowly - but were returning. For many days he has still been recovering …
A push of hand - a sharp pain in the broken knuckle - and he has risen. He is alive and he will sustain - despite of everything.
Despite dregs in eyes and broken knuckle, acknowledging itself with a pain during each movement of hand. Despite hateful shouts and most severe abuse, flowing around. Despite the threats from his “neighbors”, which they intended to put in action if he doesn’t share his part of that skilly that was brought to them - so that they haven’t starved to death. Despite the methodical and giving a ring on an iron floor footsteps of the approaching guard. Despite the sun which he haven’t seen for such a long time … only the weak light beam of which he had a chance to notice in the mornings - a light, hardly passing through strong iron plates, sealing windows in this stronghold of grief. In this stronghold of sorrow … and sometimes, only sometimes - repentances.
“Chumbrik, fuck you! We’ll cut you on giblets! Do you hear me, bastard?! You’ll lick our heels, bough!” A shout came somewhere from a distant chamber and sank in the silence.
Resisting ones weren’t welcomed there, as well as loving ones. That’s why similar people were almost absent in these cells. Except for local authorities - and those who could prove with own blood that they are worthy of respect. For only the force did worth something here.
A whole year was required for him to prove own strength. To prove in fights without rules, ones, “accidentally” overlooked by that supervisor that was slowly coming through a corridor, rattling with chamber keys. Or, to be more precise, these battles were completely ignored by prison guard. One week ago there was his last fight - and after that he was finally left alone. He has proven own force for this year time and again - proven much more during this time span. And finally were receded - they have withdrawn from him like from an insuperable and indestructible stronghold.
On the Wings of Hope : Prose Page 4
